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What is life? Is life pleasure? Is life pain? Is life about slowly going insane? What will I allow my life to be measured with? Love, Laughter, Success, Regret, Failure? I love that poem by Longfellow. “The tide rises, the tide falls” I love the
of it. Why can’t
write with that motion and emotion? I love the ocean. The way it moves, the way it smells, and the way its swells caress your body like a lover’s hand. I don’t like sand. It
. But I do love life. Its quirks, daily pleasures, pains, and even monotony.
The words of Love. Love is….Love is absolute, awesome, agitating. Love is beautiful, bountiful, beginnings. Love is caring, caresses, comfort. Love is delightful, despairing, daunting. Love is eventful, evoking, emotion. Love is forever, forgiving, formidable. Love is grandiose, gorgeous, grotesque. Love is heartwarming, heinous, helpful. Love is intelligent, interesting, inexorable. Love is jovial, juvenile, jubilant. Love is kinky, kindness, kaleidoscopic. Love is loving, longing, laughing. Love is majestic, myopic, malleable. Love is neurotic, noble, naughty. Love is openness, omnipresent, opaque. Love is plentiful, peaceful, pleasant. Love is quirky, quiet, quaint. Love is rambunctious, raunchy, romantic. Love is serious, silly, sunny.
Is that what tells me what to write when I start creating these short thoughts? Is it something that is associated with the mind, the heart, the soul, or all three? What if I don’t
one? What if my thoughts are so commonplace that I start boring myself?
I want to soar above the trees. I want to enter another world. A world with magic and mages and dungeons and dragons. I want to be that world. To be it’s creator. To express it and take others there (to my world). My world, my heart, my soul.
Prove it to me sometime
I want to say I love you
But it just won’t be said
I know I want to hold you
But I just can’t ask
The first step is the hardest
My courage just isn’t there
Someday may be too late
To prove to you I care.
Falling Down not getting up
Crystal vases spinning round
Someday you’ll hit the ground
Shining brightly start to fall
How do you have the gall
Crystal vases falling down
Down to the ground
Shadows and light
Day moves to night
Shining so bright
TURN OUT THE LIGHT!!!
I noticed her from afar. The petite blonde floated into the tavern as if she owned it. Her presence commanded attention. She walked with a cat’s grace and a soldier’s bearing. She intrigued me like no other. I rose to meet her. I walked to the bar and overheard her conversation with the bartender, and then noticed her robes. Ah, the mage school. She is probably too studious to bother with. I foolishly thought. At that moment, she turned her gaze upon me. The instant I saw the humor and roguishness in their green depths, I knew I had misjudged.
“Would you know where there is merriment to be had in this town?” she asked eyes sparkling. A party girl, hmm? I believe I shall show this lady a good time. Grinning I answered, “I may be able to help you find some diversions.” She smiled back, “I am Willow.” Now I am not a man quickly impressed by looks. I know I can have most girls in Waterhaven at my call, but this girl’s smile made me want to make sure my tunic was pulled down. To my embarrassment, I smoothed the front of it causing her to smile.
I bowed over her hand bringing it gently to my lips, “I am James. Would you like to join my companions and I? We were having a meal and ale before leaving for the evening’s festivities. I would love for you to accompany us.” I gestured to the table where my friends, all male, were sitting. She did not even pause to consider, but moved toward the table as I fell into step beside her. She fit in perfectly with my group of friends. She was not nobility, but moved as easily among them as a lifelong comrade. Simply amazing.
- The city, Waterhaven. I had finally come to the pinnacle of my dreams. Here I would attend the mage school and make a name for myself. I was still completely amazed at the meeting of a contact such as Mr. Jones so early. Now I needed some fun. And what better for an enterprising young woman such as myself than fun with a purpose. I was new to town and knew that I needed more contacts, so I made the logical decision and headed for the nearest tavern. The Stuck Pig Tavern.
Ew. That’s a rather foul name.
I started to turn, but my blessed intuition made me enter. I was immediately glad I had done so. With a quick glance around the inside, I saw what appeared to be a large group of males around my age,
(probably nobles out on the town)
and a scattering of working men and women around the bar. I walked over to the bar and ordered a glass of wine. I stood there hoping that it would be easy and one of the people would approach me first while I waited on my drink. I did not want to appear overeager.
Appearances are everything to a person of stealth. I knew which one I wished would approach me. I caught a glance of dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Mmm I could deal with making some fun with him.
The bartender caught my eye and started asking me questions about the mage school. As we conversed, I noticed a movement out of the corner of my eye. It was the handsome nobleman! I kept my eyes focused on the bartender. As soon as the bartender turned to help someone, I turned my gaze to the young man who stopped by me.
I allowed him to see humor and a glint of my true personality as I asked him about fun and games in Waterhaven. He grinned back at me and gave the answer I hoped to hear. As his lips burned my hand, I knew James and I would create some wild nights! Not to mention the benefits of having a noble as your friend. He asked me to join himself and his companions. Without a moments hesitation, I moved toward his table. My senses were on fire. I knew there would be no need for demure games with this man.
James and Willow do NOT want to cooperate with me today. Willow Wisp is my favorite D&D character out of all the ones I have played. She doesn’t kick ass with a bow like Lady Serena the Arcane Archer, but she has lots of personality. I put into her all the flamboyance and carefree lifestyle traits I wish I could portray in real life. You’re not afraid of anything. You get what you want. My rouge illusionist. I wish I could be like you. Spying, attending the mage school, wild parties with nobility, being harassed by your master and familiar.
He is always there. In the back of my mind, in my heart, in my soul. He is always there. In the car on the drive to work, in my office, on the drive home, at home. He is always there. At nighttime, at noontime, in the mornings. He is always there. Listening, loving, looking. He is always there. When I’m crying, when I’m smiling, when I’m despairing. He is always there. If I’m not listening, if I’m not learning, if I’m not hoping. He is always there. Everywhere. Anywhere. Anyplace. Everytime. Omnipresent. Omnipotent. Alpha. Omega. Beginning. End. Always. There.
They stood outside the circle of light. The two people she loved most. “Choose!” boomed a voice, “Choose which one will live and which will die. Lest you kill both with your love!” The girl hesitated for only a moment. Then she lifted the longsword and rammed it into her abdomen. “NO!” yelled the man and woman as the darkness faded and they could see what she had done. “Why did you do this?” whispered the man in her ear. “Because I love you.” She answered simply. And the light was extinguished. Love, can it conquer the boundaries of death?
I am the brightest star in the sky. I shine so brightly that those in despair curse the fact that I shine so bright in their darkness. I share my light with those around me adding to the beauty of the heavens. Some long to touch my light not realizing that I do not burn with cold fire as I appear. I burn hotly. I have music within me. I am the brightest star in the sky. Spinning, Spurning, Burning. Bright. The day hides my glory and makes me despair. What if some night my light goes out? Sputters out?
The morning after
– I can feel him next to me. The heat of his body reaching mine. I remember dinner and accepting coffee. I remember breathless passion. Kissing, Touching, Loving.
Is it too soon?
But it feels so right. Last night. Wonderful. I reach over to feel if he is really there. His skin is amazingly soft yet firm. Muscular. Manly. Warmth. I kiss his shoulder. He stirs in his sleep. I watch his face as it relaxes and he goes back to sleep. I sit up slowly. My feet touch the cold floor. I go to make the coffee.
I’ve started reading a lot again. I had cut back a lot but now I’m back to 2 to 3 books a week. It’s great. My mind actually feels used. I can’t accomplish that at work. I really like accounting, but you can’t put your soul in it. Money is cold. Impersonal. I’ve been considering the whole writing thing again. I bought a journal for jotting ideas in, but it’s blank. I can’t think of anything to put in it. It’s a beautiful journal. Black with red foil dragons. Maybe too beautiful for anything I could write. Such is life.
I had a full night’s sleep last night. It felt so good. The alarm clock actually shocked me awake, and I usually wake up at the click of the switch before it goes off. Weird. Found out today we’re not parents yet. I feel a relief that is tinged with sadness. We’re sure we want a family, but we’re not ready yet. We both want to play some more. I’m enjoying this play stage of our marriage. I hope it lasts a while longer. Adriana and Drake will have to wait. I think we both read too many fantasy novels.
I belonged to this community online once. Some would probably say I still do. Brought together by a T.V. show, we shared ourselves. Daily Life. Arguments, confessions, friendships, yays, shout-outs, dilemmas. I was welcomed, accepted, my opinion mattered. I was a person. I was a screen name. I was pregnant. They congratulated me. Now I’m not, baby gone. I can’t go back there. Not sure why. I always run away. I don’t want the pity. Bronzers’ pity. Just can’t handle it right now. I miss my friends. I tried to lurk. It hurts. I gave it up. Lost boy style.
Today it’s the sadness. There is no relief. How could I have said I was relieved we weren’t parents yet. I feel as if I gave it up willingly instead of miscarrying. But underneath all the sadness and guilt there is relief. I have to be honest with myself. I’m only 24. I know that’s old enough. I’m married. We have a home. But we’ve only been married a year and a half. We’re still discovering each other. We still like to take weekend camping trips. I loved the new life inside me. I feel the hole where it was.
Basket case. Am I one? Have you ever heard of a basket in a case? What does that mean? Is it what makes me lie awake at night? Insomnia. Sometimes I hate myself. I wonder when that happened? I didn’t use to. Sometimes I love myself unconditionally just for being me. Selfish girl. Do you ever stay up thinking about anything besides yourself? Would the world really keep going in spite of my pain? It feels like it wouldn’t. What questions keep you up at night? Will the world end? Am I saved? What do I have to do tomorrow?
Je fais serment de fidelite au dropeau d’Etas Unis d’Amerique et a la republic quil represent une nation indivisible sous le regarde de dieu avec liberty et justice pour tous. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. You know that’s the only thing I remember from high school French class. And I bet at least half the words are spelled wrong. I wonder where all the unused knowledge goes? It has to be in there somewhere.
Engulfing me with your embrace. I feel my heart beating. In time with yours. Steady. Steadfast. My breath meets yours in a kiss. Sweet. Forever. The roar of the ocean in my ears. Longing. Needing. I reach for you. Caress your skin. Touching. Loving. We crash together like clouds in a storm. Wanton. Passion. The motion rocking. Frantic hands and sensitive skin. Heat. Release. The wind howls. We lay together. Quietly. Contentedly. Nothing and no one else matters. There is nothing but us. Lust. Love. The blackness is no longer fearful. It wraps us in its comforting blanket. Rest. Sleep.
I love movies. I love old movies, new movies, funny movies, sad movies, scary movies. I could watch movies all day long. But I don’t really like T.V. shows. Pretty much the only things I watch on T.V. are Buffy, Angel, Star Treks, and Anime. I love the effort and cinematography of movies. My favorite movies are Father Goose and Yankee Doodle Dandy. Of course, movies could never replace books. They don’t have the ability to ever truly trap you in their worlds. They never truly give that moments’ respite from the world. But I like to watch them anyway.
I wish I could play in the D&D tournament my husband is running this coming weekend. Each player gets 3 PC’s. They can only come from non-spell casting classes. Each player also has to design a home arena to bring with a dimension of 40x40. They are only allowed the money the character generator gives, so there probably won’t be an overabundance of magic weapons and armor. I am going to a meeting three hours away. It’s an election so it will take forever. Responsibility sucks. I don’t shirk duty for fun. Ever. I wonder if that’s good or bad?
It sucks when the air is out. It’s so humid here. I don’t care what novels say heat and humidity are NOT sultry. What do you do when you’re out of money due to medical bills and the A/C goes out. Pray for cool weather. We can only turn the computer on for short periods of time. Frustrating! I don’t have time for this. Who has time for inconvenience? It makes cold showers much more fun. It also keeps us from being at home all the time. Went to the bar for drinks to get some A/C. It was nice.
My in-laws are absolutely nuts. I honestly did not realize that people could act this crazy toward one another. I think everyone should do a background check on people that they are going to share their lives with along with the spouse-to-be. Then again, even if I had known how idiotic these people are I would still have married my husband. It would just be nice if we could go live on a deserted island or something. I don’t know why I let them get to me. It’s been 2 years. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
Bought an air conditioner today. Isn’t it crazy how you can have a full bank account one day and nothing the next. As soon as we bought the A/C unit, my radiator in my car went out. It seems like we’re not ever going to get ahead. Life just keeps knocking us down. We scramble back up and we get knocked back down. Each time you knocked down you get up a little slower, you grow a little older, you lose a little of that joy of living bullshit. On top of everything, my allergies are kicking my ass today.
Magic it flows through us, around us, under us. It is in the birds, the fish, the air, the rock, and the fields. It changes everything. It brings sparkle to life. It sustains the fairyfolk, elves, dwarfs, brownies, and sprites. It comes in a rainbow of colors, but especially exotic ones. Magic. It keeps us whole, it keeps us sane, it makes us fall in love. My aura is supposedly gold, but I can’t see it. I wonder if it’s a happy one. I like it when I’m happy. Those days seem far apart lately. I wonder what that means?
Throwing It All Away ------------------- He used to have it all they say. The wife, the kids, the home, the pay. The grandkids in the yard. The dog that loved enough to guard. He used to have it all they say. He loved games to play. Making castles in the sand. Taking the children to fairyland. He used to have it all they say. He always his bills did pay. He was successful. It didn’t seem stressful. He used to have it all they say. Until he threw it all away. He took the crack. Everything left he never looked back.
The Tip Jar