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05/01 Direct Link
I am having an affair. I don't know why or even what to call it. Its not serious in the normal sense. I am not sleeping with him. Correction: I have not slept with him. Yet. He said once that the reason he's stopped himself before was to prevent possible guilt trips. Apparently not having sex means having nothing to feel guilty about. How horribly masculine. I do feel guilty. I am letting someone who is not my husband touch me, kiss me, excite me, and I'm enjoying every second, and I know that is betrayal of the worst sort.
05/02 Direct Link
The worst thing is, I can't tell ANYONE. My husband is my best friend, and when you can't tell your best friend something, who else is there? My other friends would all judge me, I know it. I would probably do the same to them. It's all easy words. They are not in this situation, I am. But I need someone to point out how stupid I'm being. And also, I would love to scream it from the rooftops: We are together! I'd love to go out in public and not sneak around and lie and hide all the time.
05/03 Direct Link
This has been going on for months now. I try not to analyse it away – I realised ages ago that some things are better left unverbalised. Unfortunately, I didn't work that out quick enough, and forced him to put words around it. We are good friends, who just happen to fancy each other like crazy and kiss heavily at every opportunity… Whilst both being in love with other people. Doesn't make sense when you think about it logically. Is he a product of my insecurities? Am I doing this just for the ego boost? Yes, probably, but its damn good!
05/04 Direct Link
Why the merry bollocks am I doing this, huh? I am risking everything for a bloke who at best, fails to notice my existence, or at worst, blatantly disregards my feelings. I know that in order to keep this fun and non-serious, I can't make too many demands of him. But surely it's only fair that he shows some vague form of respect in return? We may be breaking the rules anyway, but lines have to be drawn somewhere. I am convinced: Men just Do Not Think sometimes. Helloee! I'm still conscious and capable of rational thought! Don't ignore me!
05/05 Direct Link
Wow. Honesty. And all it took was an extremely pissed off, late night, message saying "What happens if I get bored?" He doesn't want me to get bored. He likes me a lot. He wants to carry on seeing me for as long as possible. He understands why I hold back. He respects me. He doesn't want to hurt me. He says I'm beautiful. Now I feel all warm inside, and I want to keep his letter in my wallet or something daft and risky like that. God I've got this bad. Am I that easily swayed? Obviously so. Help.
05/06 Direct Link
Today was a good day, fun, carefree, sunshine, laughter…. Another over-extended lunch break and an idiot conversation with mutual friends who remain so wonderfully innocent and oblivious to all the unspoken communication just under their noses. With them around, the opportunity for naughty happenings did not present itself, so I could just relax. After the revelations of the last few days, I am comfy enough not to need reaffirmation today. It doesn't half make life easier. Today I could enjoy his company from a respectful, platonic distance, all the while thinking sexy thoughts, which is the best of both worlds.
05/07 Direct Link
What's the attraction? That sounds so harsh. It's pretty damn obvious there is a hell of an attraction between us – call it chemistry, lust even, whatever. But I've fancied other people while being with my husband, yet I've never felt the need to actually indulging in it fully with anyone else. He's just, well, interesting. He stands out, he dresses a bit different, and I'm always attracted to alternative types. He's ambitious and very intelligent, and we seem to share a sick sense of humour. He knows what he wants, and he wants me, and I want to be wanted.
05/08 Direct Link
I don't know how he sees me, either. I get a lot of mixed signals. Like this whole thing, it's a mix between friendship and lust. He categorises me as "an important friend who I have naughty thoughts about and the occasional very naughty dream." He tells me I am very attractive, he trusts me and can tell me everything, he "enjoys spending time with me more than 99% of other people he knows". He says I have an amazing body. I am the only person who really makes him laugh, apparently. I dunno how to take any of that.
05/09 Direct Link
Thinking about thinking of you
Summertime, think it was June
Laying back head on the grass
Chewing gum, having some laughs
You made me feel like the one

Drinking but drinking for two
Drinking with you
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Never meant to go far
You made me feel like the one

I don't know where we are going now

Wake-up call, coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you
Wonder if we'll meet again
Talk about life since then
Talk about why did it end

Made me feel like the one…

05/10 Direct Link
Can I keep this up? Can I really write 100 words a day about him, about us, for a whole month? It feels practically therapeutic, purging myself of all these thoughts about it all that I will not allow my brain to harbour, and yet cannot tell anyone else. Can I go a whole month without accidentally mentioning any specific details that could link these words with the Real Me, or him, or saying anything that anyone who knows either of us could pick up on? No names, no places, no timescale, no descriptions... doesn't really make for great narrative!
05/11 Direct Link
I am not in love with him. He is not in love with me. What I feel for him, and from him, is nothing like what I feel with my husband. We are not on equal terms. Maybe its because he is so much older than me, maybe its because when we met, he helped me out with some problems at work and now I've convinced myself he is someone to learn from. Either way, I do not feel like his equal. I admire him, but it's tinged with envy – the guy has my perfect life. This is not Love.
05/12 Direct Link
Once, a long time ago now, we got caught. My husband walked in on us, fully dressed, but lying on a bed, kissing. We were all ridiculously drunk, and so eventually, it was excused; alcohol was to blame. Just a one-off mistake, never to happen again. But I have never seen my husband so angry. It scared me, and it hurt so much, I hated myself and regret everything I've done to hurt him. I love my husband so much, and feel I don't deserve to be forgiven. I never mean to hurt him. I don't know why I do.
05/13 Direct Link
After getting caught, I had a massive row with him – I know full well it was just as much his fault as mine, but something makes me believe that he deliberately got me drunk that night. I needed someone to blame. He knows full well that I'm married, but he didn't seem to respect that enough to stay away. In the end, I admitted to myself that I am not entirely passive in this though. He never forced me into anything I didn't want. And despite all my regrets and guilt, we still got back together within a few weeks.
05/14 Direct Link
He has a very distinctive smell. A combination of his own very strong natural perfume, and that bizarre aftershave that smells a little like Radox. Not a common fragrance. That smell evokes very vivid memories in me already. I'm a great believer in the power of pheromones. So, when a stranger approached me at work the other day, I got a waft of the familiar fragrance, and was just about to turn around and greet him with a kiss until I realised it wasn't the right guy! Obviously I am not that in tune with his seductive scent just yet!
05/15 Direct Link
He gets a "damned attractive" girl, half his age, quite willing to screw his brains out if the opportunity ever arose. But what do I get? I get to be his midlife crisis. I would never leave my husband and run off with him. He is not the person I could set up home with, he wouldn't cuddle up with me and relax me when I come home in a bad mood. He wouldn't support my daft projects. He wouldn't stay faithful to me for eternity. He wouldn't ever become Family. I know all that. But I still want him.
05/16 Direct Link
I am not unhappy with my husband, quite the opposite in fact. I love him eternally. But, we have been together for so long, that he is no longer new and exciting. We know each other inside out, we know every inch of each others' bodies. My husband still tells me I'm beautiful and special, but I've heard it so often it doesn't mean much anymore. So, I prefer hearing it from someone who is new and exciting, someone who is still mysterious, someone who is not supposed to say things like that. Someone who I can still fantasise about.
05/17 Direct Link
He asked me today if I could ever live a "safe" life. He seems to think I couldn't. I told him I was doing damn well until I met him. This bugged me: he seemed to be implying that if it wasn't him, I'd be seeing someone else secretly. Not true. It's not that shallow on my part – I crave his company and the way he makes me feel, more than I crave his body. But suddenly I'm doubtful whether he feels the same. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think he just wants to fuck me. Nothing more.
05/18 Direct Link
So, what am I to make of this morning? Wonderful, sexy, tingly, I still get butterflies when he kisses me, goosebumps when he touches me. But, and the Big But is that I seem to have stopped feeling guilty. Not good. Guilt is the only thing holding me back sometimes. Guilt stops me from being too obvious, from being careless or indiscreet. And in some strange and twisted sense, if I feel bad about it, I'm not betraying my husband so callously, right? But… but… he feels so good. I wanna enjoy him, not tear myself apart over it all.
05/19 Direct Link
Nearly… but not quite. Kissing, nibbling, and snogging so deep… touching, tickling, shivering, tingling, holding me so tight I never wanted you to let go. You make me forget everything, no common sense, no conscience, nothing except You&Me. I so nearly gave in and melted into you. Holding your gaze breathlessly, wishing you would just whisper something, something Right, so I know you feel this too…but you didn't. You don't say anything –why? I'm sure you feel it, I know you do. If you put words around it, it becomes real, and deep down, you're as scared as I am.
05/20 Direct Link
Things are coming to an end. He is leaving to go off and follow his dreams, and leaving me wondering what on earth my dreams actually are nowadays. He maintains he is not leaving Me, as such. He hopes I'll be his "friend" forever. I'm happy for him, but he won't be around so much, and it'll get much harder to see him. Perhaps more significantly, I will no longer have the excuse of ‘accidentally' running into him, I have to make a conscious, active effort to go visit, and that does not sit well with my conscience, as usual.
05/21 Direct Link
Perhaps this feeling of things winding down that I'm getting is a good thing. This is all coming to a happy conclusion, and perhaps, there'll be an amiable parting. Things are happening that we have no control over. I've often wondered how this will all end. I've never entertained the idea for a second that we could last "forever". I just worried that we'd be forcibly parted and simultaneously divorced by our respective partners instead. This way, it ends on a high note, neither of us is to blame, and no-one gets hurt. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
05/22 Direct Link
Finally, I begin to see what he's done for me. Made me grow up, in some respects. It's hard to maintain the interest of someone twenty years older than you without communicating on their level. But he also saved me from Boredom, spiced things up a little. He even made me appreciate my husband more, in that he made me realise quite how lucky I am to have a husband at all. Most importantly, he's given me something, shared an experience with me that I've never had before, its taught me a lot about myself, and I'm grateful for that.
05/23 Direct Link
But it's never enough. No matter how much he annoys me, no matter how much my conscience torments me at night, no matter how often I resolve NEVER AGAIN, he still leaves me hungry for more. I always kid myself it is possible for us just to be friends, that I can see him without kissing him goodbye. I don't even sound convincing to myself any more. Be strong! But for what? Hell, I like him a lot, I love his company, I miss him when I don't see him. So, off I'll go tomorrow, knowing full well what'll happen.
05/24 Direct Link
Got carried away again today…things seem to be getting more and more serious every time I see him. What was supposed to be a congratulatory hug turned into an intense, passionate kiss until he was sliding his hands inside my clothes and I scratched my nails down his back and held him so close I could feel him trembling. His hand found itself down the front of my skirt, he must've felt how wet I was… but somehow I found the sense to stop him. It was so hard not to just melt in to him. I wish I could.
05/25 Direct Link
I think this is almost an addiction. Its not love, but its not just lust, I'd like to think there's a more meaningful connection there somewhere. He is not the answer to all my problems, more like a symptom of them. He makes me feel amazing in the here and now, but this whole thing is so destructive in the long term. I know all this. In the odd moments where I can detach myself, I can see none of it is doing me any good at all. But back I go, time after time. He's a very bad habit.
05/26 Direct Link
Another great excuse for not seeing him for a while and delaying the inevitable: I have to go away for a while for work, and when I come back, he is off on holiday. This resolves me of any crisis on conscience/common sense that will ensue when I'm aching to see him and know full well that I shouldn't. Doesn't mean that I am not going to miss him though, and I'll probably create a wonderful, romantic image of him and us, which will no doubt be shattered as soon as he comes back and I remember the situation properly.
05/27 Direct Link
Managed to arrange a very accidental, ad-hoc meeting today. Didn't expect it at all, and consequently forgot and arranged to meet him in the pub I drink in regularly with my husband. This meant everything had to be hidden, and we had to play at being "just friends" and tried not to hold hands across the table too obviously. I don't think he was too impressed. I think this because after about half an hour, he invited his girlfriend along to join us. Needless to say, I was not impressed about that, either. Is this the beginning of the end?
05/28 Direct Link
He stood me up! Bastard! After the semi-disastrous meeting yesterday, I desperately wanted to see him before we both go away. After today, we are not going to see each other for at least two weeks. He knew that, and said he thought he could meet me this evening. I waited and waited, and no sign of him. Furious texts ensued:

"Thanks soooooo much for your company this evening, really enjoyed seeing you. Ahem!"
"A bit harsh, sorry, a mate turned up unexpectedly. Other than that I thought of you in many exotic poses. XXXXXXXX"

Not good enough, sorry mate.

05/29 Direct Link
I got laid! Weird. I was away from home with work, got drunk, met a guy in the hotel bar and found myself in bed with him within two hours. Never done that before. It was great, actually. Pure, simple fun. No emotional baggage, no confusing games, no expectations, and there's no way I'm ever gonna see him again. Apart from it being great sex, it was an incredible non-event, devoid of meaning, and as such, not worth feeling remotely guilty about, either towards husband or ‘loving friend'. I feel empowered, actually. Sod both of them. I don't need them.
05/30 Direct Link
Texted conversation:

Him: "Halfway there –can't wait! Hope to see you on my return. Luv lots XXX"
Me: "I'm at the Comedy Club. Drinking tequila…. Great stuff! Xxx"
Him: "We've been having great fun all day and such naughtiness you could not imagine. What colour are you panties? XXX"
Me: "Now munching magic mushrooms… You leave my panties out of this. X"
Him: "Sorry about that, I had a thought that will keep me tingling all through the holiday. Have you been kissed while tripping on mushrooms? Lots of hot kisses XXX XXX"

Suddenly, I become very bored with this.

05/31 Direct Link
A few days away from home seems to have clarified things. Or maybe it was just the other night's events. I only missed my husband. In my head at least, the "affair" is over. I know I've said that a hundred times, but I'll stick to it this time, because I've totally lost interest. Absence is supposed to make the heart fonder, and yet it's in his absence that I realise that I'm not actually thinking about him. He's only interesting when he's here. Any feelings I had for him other than friendship have just vanished. Time to move on.