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I met him online. He told me I was the one. He brought me flowers. He made me dinner. After a week, he told me he loved me. Three times. Too much, too fast. Just as I was getting the nerve to tell him goodbye, he wrote a song for me. I don't want to hurt him, but I've got to let him go. For some reason, I can't seem to call him. He must know. I just don't feel it. I wanted to like him. He was good to me. I just couldn't picture having sex with him. Ever.
Two naked bodies intertwined, twisting, writhing, hanging upside down from leather straps, dancing rhythmically, grinding with the beat of every TOOL... It will always be Irvine Meadows to me...Maynard sings. Silhouetted in black speedos, gripping his microphone. Visual mental candy explodes on the screens behind him. Intense mutations, tortures, beats, banging, pulsing throughout my body like a drug. Mary Jane seeping inside my brain, making me think I'm thinking profound thoughts...goodbye to you and the roses that once bloomed with life. Petals hang barely intact. Delicate flower blooms, then dies. Fragile. Soft, like a nipple before it's erect.
Harbor Lights Hotel. Gaslamp. Shiraz. Buzzy buzzy. Girl's night out. Downtown. Trance. Black lights. Bodies in motion. Lose thyself in the music. Let the beats take you higher. Magic fills the atmosphere...It's late and I'm on my cell phone calling to say, "Goodbye" but, I can't. Mixed emotions. Batteries are low. There is too much to say, but my troubled words come out in tributaries of thoughts and emotions that eventually lead to the same winding river of eventual clarity. A deep river that leads to a vast ocean of dreams, fears, anxieties, truths, insecurities, the unknown...dial tone.
Damp, gray, and gloomy. I feel just like the weather. I'm tired! Too much to do, so I procrastinate and don't do anything at all. My heart feels heavy, but I can't decipher if I am happy or sad. I'm flat out drained and my body can't hang. What do you think about the "When Harry Met Sally" syndrome? Can men and women honestly be friends without wanting to sleep with one another? I have a new friend. He's waiting at a red light. He will hold those feelings in and wait for the green light to turn for him.
I always stay up late. It's as if I was going to miss out on something. I've been a night owl for years. I'm always the last to leave a bar or party. Even if I can hardly stand, I won't leave. I'm not sure why. I never seem to get enough sleep. There's just never enough time in the day to get everything done. I wish they made the work day six hours and the weekend three days. I'm sure I would find time to work out and get plenty of sleep if this was the case. Ya right.
I absolutely love "That 70's Show." It just makes me laugh out loud. I don't know why, but I seem to relate to that kind of humor. It must be all of the "sex" and "drugs" inuendos that keep me coming back for more. Right now, I am filling out report cards for my 5th grade students. I actually dread this part of my job. I feel terrible about giving them grades that will make their parents unhappy. The easy report cards never cause any pain. Everyone leaves their conferences happy. It's the really bad ones, where they leave crying.
I want to marry a rockstar! It's been a crazy fantasy since I was a kid. I have always idolized men who command the stage. Men, who are at one with their instruments. I love musicians. They are artists who are in tune with their soul. Unfortunately, they are always living out of a suitcase and are tempted by alluring groupies on a daily basis. Life revolves around them. But for some reason, being with them or walking into a room while I hold on to their arm makes ME feel like a rockstar without even getting on the stage.
My ears are ringing. I just got home from The Glass House in Pomona. What an excellent show! Remy Zero opened for Pete Yorn. Simply amazing. I took quite a few pictures, but unfortunately I only had 200 speed film. Damn! I just had to take my chances. Suze took pictures as well, so hopefully between the two of us we'll get a decent shot or two. I'm still wired and it's time to close my lids. I had a few energy drinks along with the captain, you know the kind with high fructose and caffeine. Good vibes all around.
Seems that over the years I have attached particular songs with particular people during different phases of my life. Some songs wound the heart deeply just because they are associated with that special someone. Other songs take me back to my youth, when there was not a care in the world. I have always been passionate about music to the point that most people wouldn't understand. I'm not even a musician. I have been to well over 200 concerts and I don't seem to be slowing down. I can't think of anything more stimulating, mind blowing, or sensual, except...sex.
Family reunions, family vacations, family dinners, family gatherings, family parties, family birthdays, family together, family love, Family Values. *Deadsy, Static-X, Linkin Park, Staind, Stone Temple Pilots* Fantabulous times. It's been a long day... My nephew Ryan celebrated his 10th birthday today after their team won their soccer game. He's also quite a pool player. I'm sure he won the pool tournament. I'm glad he liked what I got him. It was a silver Hummer carrying two dirt bikes. You never know what a 9 year old kid wants these days that is also reasonably priced. He still has family values.
I want to sit closer to the ocean, on the sand, where my toes can tickle the Earth. I love the way the sunlight dances upon the ocean. It rained last night, so there is a crispness in the air and a dampness on the sand. There is nothing like the peace that the ocean brings to me. The ocean often talks to me and helps me listen to my own thoughts. She is ever changing like myself and in order for her to be healthy, she needs balance. Home is where the heart is and this is my home.
Okay, that was so wrong! I just watched this guy walk along the waters edge, talking on a cell phone, he takes a drag, says a few words, and then flicks his cigarette on to the sand. What the hell? Does he think the beach is his flippin' ash tray? I don't say anything. He continues walking. There is some trash scattered in close proximity to me. So, I have decided that I can make good come from an a-hole. I will join the team and help keep the beach clean and perhaps that will rub off on someone else.
Eagle Eye Cherry performing live at the El Rey Theatre in Los Angeles! They were tight! Eagle Eye had amazing energy and style. He's also got incredible stage presence. I shot about a roll of film. He's probably pissed for having seen so many flashes throughout his set. I stood right up front, dead center. Unfortunately, I found out that it is really not the best place to stand for shooting pictures. I wanted to touch him, just to say I did, but I just couldn't. He was so close. I did end up leaving with the set list though.
I met Jesse in a Pearl Jam chat room. We both loved Eddie. We started instant messaging and sending pictures over the internet. He was an engineer to be. We often found ourselves in sexual conversations. One day he told me that he was in love and that he wanted to marry this girl he had been dating. My first thoughts were on our previous conversations. Isn't it amazing how you can have intimacy on line with a complete stranger one minute and the next minute have tears filling your eyes because you are so in love with someone else?
Do you ever play those drinking games where each person has to name a band in alphabetical order? You know the ones I am talking about. If you mess up, you have to drink. So, you almost want to screw it up just so you can get really drunk. I think I will give it a try. Here it goes: Aerosmith Belly Coldplay Disturbed Erasure Foo Fighters GoGo's Hole Indigo Girls Janes Addiction Kinks Led Zeppelin Mary's Danish Nirvana Oingo Boingo Pearl Jam Queen Red Hot Chili Peppers Stone Temple Pilots Tori Amos U2 Veruca Salt Wilco X Yaz Zwan.
Becky and I finally went out. It was like a date. She took me out for a graduation present. She wanted to wait until she could party. She was pregnant with Katelyn. We went to The Yard House for dinner. We ate pizzas, artichoke and chips, and drank a couple of beers. Soon, we walked over to The GoatHill Tavern. We then polished off a pitcher of beer. Anyway, after that we walked to the Helm. Didn't stay long. We then walked to The Harp, didn't happen. So, we continued to walk all the way to Pierce Street. Enough said.
Today I woke up in a funk after a night out on the town. The day got worse when I realized I was missing my change purse that held my drivers license, my ATM card, my credit card, and my Costco card. Unfortunately, my cards showed some activity when I called to cancel them. The operator asked if I had gotten gas shortly after midnight. I said that I was in a cab at that time. My credit card was used four times and my ATM card was used once. The culprits know where I live. I feel so violated.
What an awesome show! Zwan played The Galaxy Theatre in Santa Ana. Billy was as happy as can be. He glowed. The band absolutely rocked. We were connected. We took pictures, drank wine, met boys and had a good time. What a night! There is more to it. You see, what I really want to say, I can't bring myself to say, knowing that this isn't my own personal diary. Knowing that it may be read by others. Sometimes too much detail is more information than I am willing to share. This is especially true when my thoughts are sexual.
I am tired! It's late. I'm watching the news. Trying to catch up with what is going on in the world. My mind is wandering. I'm not focused unless I am instant messaging or on the phone. My thoughts are scattered like the mess in my room. I have always said, that a cluttered room is a cluttered mind. You know when you have at least nine pairs of shoes on the floor, clothes in folded stacks and draped over laundry baskets, junk mail covering your desk, and hair on your bathroom sink, you're burning the candle at both ends.
Did I mention that racecar driving is in my blood? I met Paul at Palace Park in Irvine to kick his ass on the Thunder Road racetrack. He bought the Tuesday for ten dollars all you can ride wristbands. How thoughtful! I lost the first race. No juice. I had a putter. The second race I kicked his ass royally. He couldn’t get past me. What an adrenaline rush! The third race I had the fastest go-cart and maneuvered the track like a true champion. He felt the race was inconclusive. Whatever! I guess we’ll have to have a rematch.
Today was my day off. I thought I was going to sleep in, but I was woken up much earlier than I would’ve liked. I got up anyway and booked a room at the Luxor in Vegas. I then got an oil change at the Honda dealer. Which took longer than expected. As I was walking out the door, the young gentleman that was helping me said that I should buy four new tires for my car, especially if I was driving to Vegas. Just great! There went $300 dollars I could’ve gambled with. Better to be safe than sorry.
Happy Thanksgiving! Today is the day where we give thanks and are grateful to those that we love and a prayer or two is given to those less fortunate. Dinner was at my mom’s house. I brought a couple of guys that I had just met on Sunday. A few people thought I was crazy for inviting a couple of strangers to eat at my mom’s. I think they were missing the whole point of Thanksgiving. I am so glad they took me up on my invitation. They both gave the blessing. Chocolate cake and kisses were for dessert. Bonus!
Incubus. House of Blues. Mandalay Bay. Las Vegas. One side zero opened. Impressed! I can’t stop thinking about Brandon and his love shelves. He is so yummy! There I stood in the pit, connecting, singing, sweating, grooving to his every move. Excellent show. After the show it was time for Club RA at Luxor. We had room keys and 2 for 1 passes. Ins and outs were allowed. Party on the 16th floor in room 64. Dance, dance, dance to the beat. Glow sticks. House. Sore feet. Sweat dripping. GoGo dancers. Muscles hanging from a net. Captain and Energy. Bounce.
Roulette has the worst odds. But I love playing and I keep playing even when I am losing. I don’t think black 17 ever hit for me. I slept in til noon. I’m not even hung over. I can’t believe it. It’s buffet time, which will cover three meals. I gorged myself. Too many choices when you’re starving. Met up with friends at the Race and Sports Book. I drank a drink for every bet I placed. I can’t say that made any difference on my winnings. Later, I was dancing at Baby’s at the Hard Rock Hotel. Good times.
Slept in again. The five of us ate Sunday Brunch at the Palms. They partied. I stayed sober, so I could drive us all home safely. I didn’t feel like a winner this weekend in the gambling department. As we all know, Vegas wasn’t built on a bunch of winners. I guess if you want to win big, you’ve got to bet big. The drive home was hideous. Traffic was so backed up that we stopped at Whiskey Pete’s for a couple of hours to see if the traffic would die down. Of course I played roulette and lost again.
I wake up and go to bed to VH1 and MTV. I can’t seem to grow up even though my biological clock is ticking. I’m 34 and I feel young, but society says I should be married by now and perhaps with child. All I want to do is spend my money on concerts and CD’s. It’s difficult to think about getting married and buying a house when it seems so far out of reach. I guess I just want too much, the whole package. Anything less would not be justifiable. I just hope I get KROQ Acoustic X-mas tickets.
Damn it was cold today. The wind was blowing something fierce. Chilled to the bone. My sweater and jacket didn’t keep me from shivering. Speaking of cold, it’s time to hit the slopes…Mammoth Mountain here I come. Fresh powder waits for me. It should be fun. I can’t wait. I haven’t been snowboarding in two years. I bought a season pass to make sure I make a habit out of it. There is nothing like carving down the mountain in deep powder, after a night of snowfall. Cruising between the trees, in a spring breeze, is pure happiness to me.
I used to be more bohemian in the past. It wasn’t long ago that I felt more spiritual and more at one with the Earth. I used to go to little coffee houses and write poetry in my journal. I admired art for sale, ate vegetarian food and would make beaded jewelry for my friends. I felt more at peace with myself. Things seem so much different now. I feel like I am in the fast lane on a six lane highway, destination unknown. There is always something going on, places to go, people to see, plans to be made…
As I drive down Superior Ave. the sky comes alive. The palms sway in the setting light. The ocean is a deep hue of blue. The sunsets are beautiful mango, raspberry blend with swirls of blueberries. I’m almost home. Winter approaches and I notice that most people are in doors. I can’t help but think of warm summer days on the boardwalk. I used to listen to this guy play bongos. He would sit on the bench at 32nd Street and play the most amazing rhythms. I was entranced. Moved from within. My sunset is dedicated to you, George Harrison.
My mom, my brothers, and I would frequent Sir Georges Smorgasbord when we were younger. We'd go into the restrooms and memorize the jokes off of the stalls and share them with each other over dinner. Here’s one I remember… Booger flicker who are you? We all see what you can do. Flicking boogers day and night, upon the walls left and right. I dirty habit you have got. In a barrel of snot may you rot. In closing out this little rhyme, I’ll trade you one of yours for one of mine or one that tastes like lemon lime.
The Tip Jar