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01/01 Direct Link
I wasn't planning on writing this month for a variety of reasons. one, last month drained the shit out of me. I'm not speaking solely about writing. I'm lumping in everything. secondly, I'm becoming too honest with my emotions. I'm learning why I'm scared to open up. by me letting you in, I'm afraid you'll hurt me. sharing leaves me raw and exposed. I'm naked left amongst a sea of scorpions. pain is feeling, and we live to feel. plus I'd be a hypocrite, writing in my interests that I need to conquer what I fear. therefore, HERE I AM!
01/02 Direct Link
now that I'm through with yesterday's epiphany, I have another month of writing staring me in the face. last month I neatly wrapped up loose ends of various stories planning on a hiatus. so we'll see what kind of journeys we shall embark on this month.
what I didn't talk about yesterday was my resolutions. these are not typical resolutions, perse. I think it's just some random shit I ceased to accomplish in 2002.
1. quit moping. it's annoying. period.
2. fix my posture. it's unattractive.
3. set new goals. I've achieved the old ones.
4. trust myself more often.
01/03 Direct Link
for Christmas, I bought Sue a Madlibs daily calendar (an aside… she had been talking about this since I've known her. I found it randomly one day and she then went to buy it for herself before the holiday. ugh! surprise ruined!!). we came up with words for tomorrows lib, as well as sundays.

my words included, "boobies", "enormous", "hats", "boys", "shopping", "boys", "shopping", "blue", "100", "pizza", "69", "blue cheese", and "sexy". sue turned to me and asked, "So what's on YOUR mind?!".

MadLib for 1/3/03:
Etiquette 101
"Always wash your penises before sucking."
HAHA! OH MY! 361 libs left!!!
01/04 Direct Link
after realizing we are ALL extremely talented and amazingly gorgeous, we decided to form a group. our name - The Underpants Dancers. our trio - ben, sue and myself. you may not have heard of us at this jucture, but soon you will. WE'RE GOING TO BE HUGE!!!! we're hoping to take the UK by storm. things are coming together quickly. the website is being constructed as I type. we're pattoning a few spectacularly, fabulous moves. costumes are in the works. all underpants, of course. and we are now considering installing a web cam in our office. IT WILL BE LUXURIOUS!!
01/05 Direct Link
i'm really appreciative of the rope you installed for me. it's very tight. you've done a wonderful job. it's quite pretty too. all different colors entwined in it. vivacious colors mixed with dark, rich colors. i walk on it as often as i can. it seems, recently, i am walkin it more than i am not. it's exquisite to look at, but cuts into my feet terribly. you tell me to stop walking. i know and i hear you but i cannot. i occasionally jump off and come to reality, but somehow end up on tip of it once again.
01/06 Direct Link

my heart is blazing.

it hurts.

my lung and breast ~ charred.
don't try to touch my chest...
don't try to hold me...
you will develop serious burns and I couldn't bare to see that.

liquid?
I've used beer, wine, and vodka, to no avail.
it seemed to douse the flames for a short period of time, but the alcohol eventually made them burst higher.

i've been offered drugs.
a few times now.
SURE, THE DRUGS WILL SUbDUE THE FLAME, BUT THEY'LL ALSO NUMB MY MIND AND MY SOUL. BESIDES, MY SOUL IS STONGER THaN THAT.

THAT much, I'M SURE OF.
01/07 Direct Link
sue and I have been comparing our VicSec bounty each day, since the big sale. I'm wearing the black lace set today. I always told sue, I hate lace. it's not cause I'm dorky (although I am), I just don't like the way it rubs my breasts (nipples, to be exact). I find it agitating. while I don't claim to be more sensitive than the next gal, I do seem to be the only one I know of, that has this problem. so, if you see me with my arm across my chest, it's the female version of "the adjustment".
01/08 Direct Link
my panties (yes, the VS sale), say 'sexy' across the front. they make me laugh. cause anyone who knows me well enough, would not use the word 'sexy' to describe me. I'm too clumsy and lack grace. so, then what? cute? NO. by definition, in my head, someone who is 5' 9" cannot be cute. beautiful? mmmm... no. beauty is an inner / outer thing, a consistently daily thing. so, no. intellgant? let's just say, I have my brunette and blonde moments. sooooooo, NO. pretty? uuhhh, still no. pretty is a natural thing to me. someone who doesn't have to try.
01/09 Direct Link
there are some things which I can never forgive you for. I'm not sure if you are conscious of your actions and just don't care or you're completely ignorant. I'm not sure which answer makes me feel better. depends on the day, I suppose. today I'm angry, so my thoughts are not nice. but I come back to you and it makes me mad at myself. it shows you I'm weak and dependant. I have no recourse, except to stew in my own shit. don't ask me to forgive. you've asked too much of me already.
signed,
an abused child
01/10 Direct Link
he's mad at me, which agitates me. I asked for two months to change my wipers. they no longer squirt or even touch the windshield.{I'm attracted to men that can fix things. Darwinism? Freudianism? I dunno. I saw the look the mechanic gave him after looking at me though.}
I wanted to do it myself.
what if I couldn't finish? the mechanic gave me a wink and said he wouldn't charge me for labor. I gave a wink back, knowing I was paying with my soul, letting him think I was a dumb girl. wiper value $15. total bill $38.69.
01/11 Direct Link
I know nothing of football. It's ok, I'm not sad about it. I know the general idea, but other than that... nope! football to me, as a child meant that every tv in the house (ONLY 2) as well as the stereo (FULL wall unit) would be occupied all sunday. as a student it meant the players would invade my college town and blow off all the little kids in their golf carts. yesterday, laughing, mike asked me who I thought would win the super bowl. my answer - tampa bay. not sure why I said it. he looked very shocked.
01/12 Direct Link
I love to cook. I have around 15 books now. one of two things is certain to happen every time I cook. I will either cut myself (normal people store their bandaids in a medicine cabinet. mine are stored in my kitchen), or I will burn myself. yesterday I cooked for my family (mesclin salad with shitake mushrooms with tarragon/Dijon vinegrette, onion soup with fresh baguette and havarti cheese, steamed asparagus, parmesan potatoes, and rijoa lamb. here's a new one, I reached into the dishwasher to get something stuck in the catcher and my thumb hit the heating element. ouch.
01/13 Direct Link

I'm drawn to you...
polarity increasing with proximity. my hands slide across your shoulders and I can feel you tense. your arms entwine around my waist, pulling me closer still. the heat of my body, enflamed further by the heat of yours. I can hear nothing of the world around me. I concentrate on your heartbeat. your hand shifts on the small of my back. I close my eyes to heighten my other senses. my lips, feeling your skin, lightly rest on your neck. I inhale your scent over my tongue, hoping to preserve every sensation.

~ Le Beau Embrasser
01/14 Direct Link

jen’s doctor told her, any day. I told her yesterday evening, I thought it would be 1/15. the baby is almost in head first position. he also told her, the baby would get very quiet and still just before he is ready to come out, in order to preserve his energy. that’s an interesting concept…. preserving energy. the baby, knowing(?) what he is about to embark on, while not knowing where he is going to.
hhmmmm...

anyway, Saturday night, jen and I laid on the couch together with my arms stretched across her belly. I excited to meet him too!
01/15 Direct Link
when I go through major life transformations, I always seem to do something drastic to my hair (soul cleansing? I dunno). the first, involving a boy, I chopped off 10 inches (in a hotel bathroom). at the time, the decision was exacerbated due to the extra 25 pounds on my ass. the second (boy), included the famous "Rachel". the third, recently, involved a major chop to the sides of my hair. I cried for hours. the next day and days to follow, not ONE person noticed. seeing that is was so unremarkable, I guess I just needed a good cry!
01/16 Direct Link
at first 'fear factor' intrigued me cause i wondered, 'could I do that?'. then i'd get annoyed cause they'd have some bit with animals. i can count how many times i've seen the show - three.

yesterday hit an ALL new low - 'man vs beast'. what a crock of shit. i was SO completely agitated. what is our society coming to?!?!?

who the hell do we think we are????

WE'RE THE BEASTS, myself included, who give these shows ratings so they'll then produce more garbage! i flipped past the show to see an elephant pulling a jetliner vs midgets.

THAT'S ENTERTAINING?!?!?!?
01/17 Direct Link
i was never one to anticipate the release of a cd. in fact, i've done that once in my life (2002, sheila nicholls). unlike sue, i dont' have a huge cd collection, which is why i think i've developed the listening pattern that i have. I KILL MUSIC! i listen to the same thing over and over. songs and / or cds then become very indicative of time periods in my life. name a period, i'll name the music i listened to. what am i killing currently????
band - skunk anansie (especially "secretly")
band - sneaker pimps
song - "colorblind" counting crows

i'm relentless.
01/18 Direct Link
I used to take kickboxing at the dojo. I'm partial to my instructor, not to mention I sometimes sub for her. it was a small, safe, regimented atmosphere. no frills, just three scheduled classes a week. then it happened. M moved to a gym.
so, $400, dojo, 3X per week.
or, $310, gym, unlimited classes and machines.
sounds simple. I moved too.
what the discount also includes:
~silicone
~girls applying make-up before working out
~stare fest
~spandex clad bodies
~people yelling "WWWWOOOOOO" while kicking
while there is nothing wrong with the items listed above, they make ME a little.... uneasy.
01/19 Direct Link
last month I prematurely showed sue one of my december 100 entries. she read it, chuckled and as she walked away, she giggled, 'aaahhhh, you and your fiction'. the funny thing about that though, is that it wasn't fiction. I didn't say anything at the time to her, but what she said made me laugh. the story must be so absurd as to sound fake. or perhaps all the fictitious stuff I had been writing had clouded her to think this was too. in any event, the story is real. I just wish I knew the beginning and the end.
01/20 Direct Link
my early childhood entrepreneurial attempts:

beverage business - my dad would buy it and I would sell it. (first lesson- that profits must exceed costs).

art dealer - taking my art door to door, quickly finding that people would give me money, but didn't want my works.
*harumpf*

restaurant - writing on my special notepad, my dad would place an order for a sandwich. I would then leave him a bill, expecting a tip.

tailor - i would mend my dads torn work clothes, charging 0.25$ for a button. he thought it a bit pricey, so I often had to defend the intricacies involved.
01/21 Direct Link
he truly is the definition of beauty.

I’m sorry, dear reader, that you will not be able to experience the sight of him. through me, perhaps you can get a mere glimpse of what my blessed eyes have seen.

I held his warm body in my arms and felt his every movement. his face, perfectly round with the smallest indentation right above his chin. his checks, glowing pink and round. his lips, perfectly shaped, slightly parting and closing periodically. tiny gorgeous eyes. his black hair, perfectly straight and flowing to one side.

happy birthday Michael ND!
welcome to the world!
01/22 Direct Link
i've been a little more introspective lately.  things that mattered, don't. and things that didn't now do.  i'm also more observant of subtle things. for instance i went to wegmans to grab a sub for lunch.  a woman with two little girls, twins, around 5 years old were also eating lunch.  both little girls were in wheel chairs. a woman with nothing in her cart but a coat had to park it next to her table.  you could see the perplexed look on her face she couldn't find a route, so she asked the woman to move the little girl.
01/23 Direct Link
our lab is forced to condense, yet again. the money you bring in with your work dictates status.  luckily our PI consistently brings in the dollars.  for those labs that don't, they are moved to smaller areas so other big names can be lured.  thing is, when these labs are moved it effects us too, forcing us to lose a little space each time.  the 4th lab is moving on our floor and i have to consolidate our equipment again.  i'm not one to keep broken machinery in the event one day i need a part, but keep i must.
01/24 Direct Link
sometimes you can do EVERYTHING right, and still, things out of our control can happen. you kill yourself thinking, ‘why' and ‘what', going in circles, asking questions and worrying.

for the most part though, I think we're a society that prepares in advance - books, how to's, the internet. so much information available on any given topic. she told me, ‘I'm prepared. I spent months studying and now I'm ready to take the test', except they encountered questions they were not forewarned about.

I can tell you one thing for certain… that THEY WILL FLOURISH with endless LOVE without a DOUBT!
01/25 Direct Link
I opened his diary –

~I allowed you to touch me yesterday.  Even though I learned what I learned and I know what I know.  My heart was broke and it's on it's way to breaking again.  I did it, I let you near me.  I let you look into my eyes and I looked back.  I love your eyes... your smile.  Just writing this hurts my chest.  I felt your hand.  Your touch was, as it had been, very warm.  I hold you with conversation for as long as I can.  I don't know when I'll have the chance again.~
01/26 Direct Link

car salesmen are jack-offs!!

well, that's not entirely fair.  the one I dealt with is a jack-off!  he claimed 'no pressure'.  he ended up lying to me and trying to stronghold me multiple times into immediately buying the car.  he took my deposit and had me sign papers for a specific car.  I asked him to call to make sure the deal is a-go.  he said yes.  come to find out, the car I signed on had been previously sold a few days prior.  and guess what he wanted to sell me?????? the one he conveniently had on the lot.
01/27 Direct Link

work is still cold.

not blanket cold (yes, i have a blanket in my office), but cold enough.  i had to go to the bathroom and decided to use the one below us.  it's not aesthetically pleasing (

firm alarm.

just testing.

less than ours), BUT IT'S WARM!!!!!  on the way up, I noticed the sun shining and decided to walk to the 7th floor.  from there I can the sun over the lake and feel it through the window on my face.  there's just something about that first sunny day after a succession of cloudy days that thoroughly warms me!!!
01/28 Direct Link
after the high drama involved with this car deal, it ended quite well. during my discussion with mr J-O, he mentioned he would give me the number of the other dealer so i could discuss my displeasure with them.  to his surprise i agreed.  to which, he discovered he suddenly misplaced it.  how convieeennnnnnent!  turns out the spec they gave me of the car (cause they couldn't find a basic one) contained the car's VIN and place of origin.  we called this dealer, struck an even better deal, drove out, found an awesomely quaint town and i got my car!!!
01/29 Direct Link

The State Of The Union Address

while he did say a few things of interest (a few more than I thought he would),  overall I found myself laughing aloud a few times. domestically
-the hydrogen car Scooby-doo dream  sequence
-the preservation of forests whilst rubbing his hands to drill in Alaska
-and the economics - oy!

foreign policy
I'm tired of being hated!!!!!
"well, it's not the people, it's the government"
but it is.  we practiced isolationism pre-WWII.  we have enough issues and problems here to keep us busy, rather than policing the world. 
my fear... catching slack for complacency too.
01/30 Direct Link
i'm patiently waiting for the big shoe sale at DSW.  no, i'm not AS crazy as sue, but i love shoes.  i love accessories - purses, watches, sunglasses, whatever.  it's fun.  i like things that are fun.  i like finding good bargains.  i like labels too, but i'm not so conscious as to not enjoy consignment shops.  i love them!  it's like looking for buried treasure.  it's a real endorphin releaser, when you find something fun, for a great price.  i've found jordache jeans, a great pair of cords, dresses that i've taken apart and resewed, a leather jacket (7$ toronto).
01/31 Direct Link

overall i'm a positive person...
but i'm allowed a rant once in awhile, right?!?!

the know-it-all sixties hippies are now of age to be in power and i DON'T see the world as a better place.  although i vote, i don't feel represented by government.

there is a centrifuge tube lying on the hall floor with a giant cell pellet in it.  that's just gross.

my boobs are gianganticly swelled, prompting two bras!

i'm again, going to the 7th floor to close my eyes and feel the sun.

hate to close the month with this....
but it's where i'm at.