REPORT A PROBLEM
And so it begins again. Someone is saying bad things about me. I don't know who and I don't know what. Someone is saying negative things about me to a powerful person at my job. It wouldn't mean so much except that I know I've made mistakes and people have criticized me. I say too much when talking to people on the phone. I've been slow about getting a few things done, but I nothing I've said has caused a major problem, and I've been given extra responsibilities. I've even made the concession of shaving and slicking back my hair.
I can’t fucking believe this. A tick bit Ori’s mom and she’s freaking out. She’s making Orianne drive to her house and wants her to take her to the hospital like she’s become some sort of inalid due to the ticks bit. As if she will die of Lime’s disease right away. I know it’s serious but come on how hysterical can you get. And they don'’ know anytign about ticks. Granted I don'’ know much but goddamm. So I’m walking Buddy in about four minutes. Atleast Ori is going to be leaving something taped to the door. Oh well.
Went into Emandee. It was the first time since Matt started working on his record that I went with him to the studio. I helped run the board. Matt did most of the work. I mainly helped with conceptual stuff. Using the two effects on the drum machine. Pushing for the stero guitars and bass. Using the Rat for one track on the lead guitar and a couple of other things. Matt played everything. After we worked up the levels on the vocals I went up stairs and waited. Mark did a mix and we left. It sounds real good.
I like art that is emotionally intense, but I don’t want to share. I don’t want a group catharsis. I’m not interested in empathy. Don’t as me how I’m feeling. If I’m feeling the same as you, or if I want to share. If you have something to work out call someone else. Really. I’m not going to make any demonstrative public displays and if you must I’m going to try to be somewhere else. It’s just not my style. So if you watch a movie or play don’t ask me how I feel about it, and that is all.
It‘s not what people are looking for anymore,
The past, the infinite greatness of the past,
The only certainty is that we sought relief by any means.
Perhaps the most painful feeling was the special blessings
Our husbands, wives and loved ones gave us,
Nothing is cetain,
Reality, pain and misery,
Sometimes wisdom can be gleaned
Does anyone know anything about, singing the strong light.
We always carried fear with us
The beginning does not seems so bad
We reached a point in our lives where we felt like a lost cause
Nourish’d henceforth by our celestial dream
Went to breakfast with Mimi, Amy and Matt. Mimi will be moving out soon. Days to go. Caught a glimpse of the people who are moving into the first floor. Too soon to say anything. Ori called and said she’d be working tonight and tomorrow, and leaving on Monday. Fourteen days and She will return with Jeff in tow. Wonder how that will go. Ori left a little package for me on her table. I will spend some time with Buddy tomorrow morning. I guess I will walk over to Buttercup and then eat my bagels at Jeff’s. Sleep time.
I locked myself out of my house, my home. This is the second time this has happened here. I’ve locked myself out of every place I lived. My parents house, my dorm room, the house in East Hampton, and my Apartment on Devoe street. The first time it took until 5:30 in the morning. This was when the party crowd who lived on the first floor got home. I rang and called the people in the building whose numbers I had and no one heard me. This time I walked Buddy a bit and then found Mimi at the Pourhouse.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say things weren’t looking good for Caesar and the utter despondency in Matt’s eyes make it clear he is not ready for the inevitable. His relationship with Caesar has outlasted nearly ever other. With the possible exception of Greg and Anastatia he hasn’t maintained any friendship as long as he has with Caesar. Granted Caesar couldn’t leave if he decided he’d had enough. He could hide, but that was about it. He always seemed mostly content but his appetite gone it’s looking like the end. When my sisters cat’s kidney’s failed he hid and waited.
It's strange but in the final analysis it was the vet who made the call. Who would go no further. It was not a mystery but he was the one who said no. Caesar had ceased eating and could only walk in short bursts wobbling badly and often falling down. He fell off my lap only weeks ago he would have screeched and clawed to get away. He was already passive, allowing himself to be carried for his nightly pilling. He still fought in his way spiting out his phoslo, and flygal pills, but he wouldn't run away after. Goodbye.
It is strange to once again be here. Once again highless on the rock. I can't call Kenny. He's been gone for years. Jamie Rosen even longer. I don't live here anymore, and I'm glad. It's much more space, and my and day usually have food in the fridge, and I had a lot of good times here even before I discovered drugs and alcohol, but it's over. I wished for more, and I still do, but I wouldn't mind if one day this was my house. It wouldn't be the worst thing even though it's here on the rock.
It’s strange that days after finding a fix for my Real Player problem my computer would stop working. We have been having problems with it freezing up, and or the mouse not working, but have, or course, done nothing. We have talked about getting a new mouse and more ram.
Matt is going to Philly for a few days for work. He might me up with Mark and Alison.
He’s taking the Acella. I guess it matters since he’s company had something to do with designing some stuff to do with them.
Mimi still has no place to live. Sad.
It’s so much harder to keep my mind occupied when Matt is gone. I’ve taken out the trash, and drop off the laundry. After straightening up and feeding Lois it doesn’t leave that much. Jeff is in Madrid, and Joyce and Mimi are never around. With James gone there isn’t anyone to call. I know if I had some cash in my pocket I could find someone and go to a show, but with rent and Caesar expenses I can’t even pay the bills. So I’m on the coach eating dulce de leche, and getting high. Just waiting for bed.
Days like this make me wonder how I can stand to be with my self. I feel like tearing my skin inside out. I mumble to my self and my moods are worse then when I don’t get high. I feel manic and distraught. I have to fill all the gaps in time, so my mind won’t have been able to occupy that moment with thought. I’d like to go out and get drunk but I don’t have the money to spend. I know I don’t want to drink at home. I’m just sitting here with my mind on hold.
I am definitely in a depressive spiral. It can’t be all that bad. I got up and showered and put on clean clothes and even made it out the door on time. I am doing better with my time card. Unlike at the council we punch in so I can’t lie about when I get in. I owe the coffee guy today, and will again tomorrow.
So many words; I want to avoid the empty navel gazing, but I am trapped into a knee-jerk introspection. I am sucked into it. Like a tar pit, and I also wallow in it.
The inability to use my computer has revealed the degree to which it was integrated into my day to day life. For entertainment, for news, for communication, and almost an information gathering I’d use my computer, which is synonymous with the net. I am speaking slightly more broadly, not much more though. The printer hasn’t had ink it for months. It’s strange what a large whole it has put in my life. So much time to fill, can’t watch my videos, can’t visit the GBV site, can’t check my mail. I know I shouldn’t be surprised how dependent I am.
To mask our feelings,
The point when (Many hours after I’d dropped them),
We were frightened and ran from the fear.
But we should get mad or be grateful?
Though often difficult, we continued on the path
Eventhough it doesn’t work together with our friends.
Lady Luck is upon you, your spirit of adventure leads you.
Unaware of where it was leading us,
To suppose everything has beauty.
That we still had the same problems, your recent state of cunfusion,
Isolation and denial keep us moving,
Out of the bed, out in the springtime,
You will soon meet.
I’m not entirely sure how this happened but I ended up in Staten Island. I had called my dad, and asked him to take me out to dinner, and he said no because he was going to dinner with my sister and mother. I thought that was strange. We don’t get along well, but we can have a meal together. It turns out it was because they were seeing the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies. I get a call a few hours later at home. Come meet us at Chez Josephine your father is sick. Two drinks later I’m in SI.
It’s strange to think that the summer people will be gone soon, but they will. They cone into the office knowing nothing, and in a sense they leave the same way. Where else will their knowledge of the Bored of Ed appeals process be relevant. I have to say nowhere. It was only a few months but I had gotten used to their being here. Oh so very temporary. Some of them come back so I guess it will be wait till next year. Most likely I will have a new job before they return again. This will be good.
I hate the new Times Square. It should not be as bright as day at midnight. It should be dark. Hotels should not have huge Starbucks logos on the front and ugly fucking signs the move and light up. I really want to burn them down. The fucking assholes who sell knickknacks on the side of the road should get cancer and die. It really makes it seem like some third world country. I’m not talking about the people selling books or incense, or the homeless and their pathetic crap. It could just be that Times square just sucks now.
It is now 2:20 Pm and in less than 5 hours I will pay my tuition for what I hope will be the last semester of academic classes. Still have three semester of language, but that is it. For some reason I haven’t gotten my grades from the last two semesters. Very strange. I’ll go to academic advising, and clear it up. As I said before Jeff will be back. I will have a job interview soon. And I have a new mini-disc. Things are coming together. Things aren’t perfect, but I’m trying to keep a positive frame of mind.
So far it appears my depressive phase is over for now. I have as yet not gotten manic, but give it time. For now I am able to distract myself from the many worries and responsibilities that plague me. Jeff is back and will be fulfilling his part of our agreement. He already brought me back some olives. I registered for class, and appear to be closing in on graduating. I might have a new job soon, and I’m going to be getting anew bong. I am going to try as hard as I can to not to get depressed.
Lois is being impossible. I guess she is lonely. The IRS has stopped garnishing my wages. I’m now making $795 every two weeks plus $29 that go towards my Premium Metrocard and another 20 that goes to the union. I think losing the yearlong metrocard is the one thing I’ll miss about this job. I hope they offer it at my next job. I will definitely ask about it.
The Nurse and Soldier disc is moving along. I still have to get some money to triage. Matt still hasn’t gotten the one sheets done I may ask Jeff about them.
My words for this month are a mess. When our computer broke down on the 8th I started writing things by hand, and I made two crucial mistakes. I didn’t right down the dates when I wrote them, and when I entered them I didn’t use the date when I wrote them I used the date when I typed them. So when the time came to post them I had a folder full of entries and a pile of entries with no idea when they were from. It was only two weeks, but almost none are fixed in any time.
Matt is at Amy’s and Jeff and Ori are now staying in. Jeff said he was avioding the Williamsburg bars to aviod dealing with a drunken Mimi. I guess now that she has no place to live she could be hard to deal with, maybe now that she is staying with Amy she will learn to love Queens. She won’t find a place like what she wants in Williamsburg for $850-900. They just don’t exist. I’m alone, but I don’t care because I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. I am not concerned about making the most of it.
I was going to go to the Pourhouse tonight. I had agreed with myself tht was the thing to do. Despite not wanting to deal with the crowds. It’s not thrat crowded there, but my enthusiasm failed me and now I don’t wantto do anything. I’ve been downloading and watcing the last season of Daria. A real plus of getting Winamp to be able to play Real files. It seems like shows are available ususally in one format. Be it Real, or ASF, MPEG, ext. I guess someon does the encoding and then every just trades that same file.
I made a decision that wasn’t going to change my words. I know Jeff said we shouldn’t, but I’ve in the past made changes. Becuase I realized things in retrospect didn’t make any sense or where wildly mispelled. But I decided I’m not going to do it now matter what a jerk, or idiot it makes me look like. It’s been really hard to to change the ones I did hand writtern. If I’d typed them to begin with they would have been different. This months words will be what I wrote the day I wrote them. More or less.
Oh my god did I fuck up at work today. I erased a side of a hearing tape. I don’t think they would fire me over this, but man oh man is this bad. There is a chance no one will find out. I could leave the job before anyone notices. I told Diane and she laughed. I really don’t maked mistakes. Not that I don’t make any, but I know what I’m doing and I do it well. I pride myself on solving problems, not creating them. My only consolation is that people almost never come for their tapes.
I am one loenly boy. In my mind I am still a child. A big over gown boy, a very need clinging child. I feel more under control emotionaly, but I feel out of place less mature then my peers, and people close to my age. It’s better know that I left my parents home, and “support” myself but I still feel like that young boy stiff and out of place that I see when I look at pictures of myself from earlier child hood, and into adolescene. I know I am “developmentaly diabled.” That of is of no consolation.
Its just thatI don’t want to work. It’s not that I can’t or that I won’t but I just don’t want to. All I want is to hang out with my friends, and get high. Eat cheap fast food, and drink in bars. They don’t have to be nice bars. Just as long as they can make a sweet coctail, and have a lot of good scotch and bourbon. Is that too much to ask for to sleep until noon every day, and do nothing. No cleaning, no shopping except for food, no work. Just wait for my friends call.
It's stunning to see what has happened to Williamsburg. I know it's not really a surprise, or new, but I was walking down Metropolitan, and I saw it. Like I had never seen it before. I first thought about it when I saw how young our new housmates were, I still think of my self as young, but Williamsburg has become young, and white. I guess I'm placing a value judgment here, as this is bad. I'm not against gentrifying or white people. I is one, but I though East Williamsburg would remain separate and diverse. I guess it's not.
My words have been numb in my mouth,
So many days drawn out by waiting,
Woozy and shaky,
In the supermarket Isle,
It seemed like years in the making.
Green apple Martini Good.
Job interview September 6, 2001,
Folks in Africa October,
Sister quit job
Dad mouthing off to mom.
What a fucking day.
The resturant had us down for the next night. Matty (not Matt) was being a pain in the ass. He wouldn’t sit at the table that was open.they stood infront of the kitchen with them evaluating everything people ordered. I got drunk.
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