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So I can't decide if I want to go to work tomorrow. I was supposed to fill out a form, like I did for the time during resturant week. They gave out a form for summer vacation. I ended up taking the third, Monday. I might call in tomorrow. I might not.
I heard the discs of the party. It's so strange to listen to it now. It's now been a long time. July 1 from April 28 it seems so much more. On one of the discs has Mark gave us has him singing a whole bunch metal covers.
Our DSL is down. It's a Verizon DSL, and I know they're the AOL of DSL's the worst customer service, shittest deals, slowest setups with start dates that are a joke, and wherever they are they own the lines so providers have to deal with them. We didn't have such a bad time with them only three weeks after the original date. Still don't know what took so long. It burns my ass that if I lived in the LES just a few miles away I could get a 1000/256 connection, but because I'm in the burg I get 640/90.
I look at the sky sometimes and try to fathom what the hell is really up there.
There are around 20 states where the marital rape exemption exists in some form or another.
…Can barely see these hundred.
It's so damm hot in here.
Sweltering heat, but I love it.
Today was one of the hottest days so far this season, but for some stupid reason, the heat was piping when I got home.
This was June 20. I took the first sentence striaght down from Boblazaar to Matt Fisher. Don't see many connections except it was hot in NYC.
I sat in the house that looked down on the lake,
the lawn, the woods beside the lawn. I heard
the children near the shore, their voices lifted
where no memory of the place would reach.
I have been living so so long in unreality. Cut off from life it makes me unprepared for when anything actually happens. Life seems so unreal already. Everything seems so fake and not just the fact that I, at least, go through life just lying to almost everyone I meet. My inner life is so far away, but life is like that.
I once heard someone say it is better to die than to tell the truth. So Matt was talking to Amy and Amy was talking to Mimi and Mimi also called Matt. I'm not sure how it all worked out. So Amy told Matt that Mimi had told her that she saw Jeff and Ori in Ori's car and it was a real ugly scene with lots of crying on both ends. Jeff never told me what was going down, but he's going to be talking to Ori tonight. So I'm just waiting to find out what going to happen.
Today was a day that didn't give me much time to think. It was a jumble. Got into a confrontation with Phyliss and then I ended up later going into Bob's office and asking him If I should look for a new job. Matt asked Mike S. To talk to Terhune about working at Parks again because it's such a drag at STV. When I was walking over to Rachel I saw a guy just lieing on 14th Street, and I'm thinking they really expect us to think the economies improving. Next thing I know Matt is on the train.
Yesterday when I went to Rachels she was walking down the block with Atticus, and he was in a foul mode and wouldn't talk to me. He wanted to go to his friend Penny's flower garden. It was nice to see him with some clothes on. He's two or three years old Rachel should have him wear clothes at least some of the time. So I went with her to the garden. We made the exchange, and then we started to smell some weed. These rastas were smoking some herb and it sucked. Do all NYC rastas smoke cheap weed?
Went into Emandee today, and yesterday to work on our record. I've been referring to it as INTERVISITATIONS. I like it its not a real word. It's a Board of Ed word. It means a teacher visits the class of another teacher in the school or another school and watches them teach. We did drums, two tracks or guitar, and bass Saturday night and today we did organ and vocals. The vocals are kind of distrted. Matt was rushing me. He was kind of frustrated and starting to lose focus. I just hoped for the best and it out bad.
The site is down. Jeff was gone one day and the site was down. Crank.com and nypress.com were down also so perhaps I should focus on our problem, but I wanted to check to see if I had uploaded July 8 and enter today.
Buddy call. I have to walk Buddy soon. Matt is going out to the Pourhouse. I will walk Buddy.
Matt and I talked about the record. We have to get dates from Mark. We talked about what we have to do to get good tracks. Playing in time was discussed and agreed on. This is good.
Downloaded Morpheus the new mussicity software. I’m not sure why they broke off from File Navigator. It’s good. It has a lot of stuff. It’s not yet very deep in its selection. It’s bit like Scour, which a lot of people have compared it to. The good old days are ver selective. For me it was when I just got my DSL and I could connect to either Scour or Napster and grab stuff. Napster had almost any song I wanted to listen to right then, and Scour had all sorts of cool videos and some cool tunes. Good times.
I just finished Jeff’swords today. It’s strange that there has been so little communication between the writers. It feels strange to learn about these lives and say nothing. I had intended to remain aloof, but I’m not sure if I can.
I remember thinking when Jeff showed us the card he got with the pictures that something was wrong, but it wasn’t until we were in his apartment the night before he left, at least I think it was then that he said things with him were going wrong. I read his words about losing friends and it was sad.
It’s funny. My dad says at dinner that I have an enemy at the board of Education and that it’s political and that he is aranging an interview with Bob Harding for a job at the Economic Development corp. I kind of figure that I should prepare to leave the Board of Ed. So I talk to him today at his office and tell him that it’s a shame that I can’t stay at the board due to this political situation. He says that I can stay at that board and starts talking about how my hair is too messy.
I am so glad that another workweek is over. It’s strange for that it just keeps coming. I have almost never had any structure in my life except for school and then you get a lot of vacation time, and the like. It’s a real shame that the board doesn’t give the central staff nearly as much as students or teachers. I’ve been thinking that being a teacher is a really shitty profession even with the vacations, and ok pay. Principals and superintendents make decent bread. 115K and above, but it takes a long time and no tenure for principals.
Jeff called and Ori showed up on at the door with biscuits two very unlikely events. I wish I had had something to say when Jeff called, but I was to enveloped in the X-files to pull myself out, and I had nothing to say. At least nothing I felt comfortable saying on the phone. He had something to say to Matt. Matt had left something in Jeff’s apartment that caused Jeff to get some grief from Ori.
When Ori come up I asked her about doing the Intervisitations album cover. She said she was working on our other project.
It’s strange, at least for me, to sleep during the day. Couldn’t sleep last night, and got up early to see the implosion of the gas towers. The implosion was intense. It was like the fourth one of the few moments in our time on 281 were we knew we were in tune with our neighbors. I think I actually saw more people on their roofs today then the fourth due to the daylight. When we first moved in whenever we made gravy we wondered how many others were doing the same. It was nice to be in the flow.
Diane’s godchild’s mother died. They say that while she was lying on her coach dying she was still smoking. I don’t know how she died. I can say this that she looked like death and sounded like she didn’t have much to left whenever she waited for Diane to go home. Diane isn’t much better off. It has to be ninety outside for Diane to reach normal body tempature. I always say that Diane isn’t bothered by hot weather because her body temp is twenty degress below normal. She gets pnumonia three or four times a year. She still smokes.
I’m remembering why I don’t have a dog. It’s not that Buddy isn’t adorable. He is most everything you could want from a dog. He is happy to see you, energetic, and coopertive. At least when trying to walk him. But I just don’t want to put the effort in. With cats you don’t have to walk them, and you just empty the box once a week and that’s it. On the other hand when I was alone with the cats I did forget to feed them for four, or five days.
Jeff’s email today reallly stuck in my craw.
I’ve been using my words, as an outlet because I know mostly the people I’m writing about won’t read them, or if they do it will a month or more until they get to them.
It’s been a hectic week at work with the new summer people in the office and almost none of the senior staff there. I have been at time the only person available to answer questions. I’ve been trying to take my dads advice and make a better impression by wearing clean clothes and combing my hair. People now say nice things aboutmy apperance. It’s different.
I fucking hate coming out to my parent's house. I just lost my words again. The last time I was here it happened four times. I keep telling my dad his computer doesn't work, but he never gets it fixed. Now I'm out here with no clothes, no drugs, this shitty AOL dialup, and all because my mom can't stay in her house alone. Sucks. I hate using a Mac, and I hate not having my DSL, and I don't even know if I'll be able to get online. I'm so used to using Windows I can't use Mac's anymore.
It’s been three or four days since I last got high, and I am seriously out of sorts. My emotions, which are precarious normally, have been out of wack. On the train I was up and down like a yo-yo.
Got home after seeing the professor, and ran into Ori and Joyce in front of 273 Devoe St. they had their dogs with them. It was very cute. We talked a while and we made plans to get together and go to Plataforma when JK got back. I complained to Ori about Jeff’s e-mail. Now I feel like a jerk.
I ended up getting competitive with a group of kids. I went to my Bar-b-que. There were a bunch of kids there and they were getting rowdy. On of them after we got in a splash fight was kicking and pulling hair. Later I was thumb wrestleing with them. She had a partner. I decided at some point just to let them win. It seemed so important that they wouldn’t quit until they won at least once.
Amy showed up at 10 of nine. Iwas was getting in the shower. I came down and we talked and waited for Alison.
When I found out that Amy wasn’t coming back with us I was panicked. What was I going to do? She had proven herself quite handy at keeping the baby quite. I tried everything tickling her feet scrathing under her chin. Rubbing her face and head gentle. Even going to the bottle more than once. Then I remembered Amy saying that at the end the finger worked. I tried my thumb, and my ring finger, my pincky, but in the end it was the middle finger that worked. She went at if for almost an hour with much teeth action.
Things will be slowing down at work. The new appeals are in. The discontinuance and denials are for the most part ready to be scheduled and most of the outstanding 31R’s have been written if not typed. We are just waiting for the reviews to start. The roumour have Bob leaving for a job with CSA. I wonder if he will be around when the hearings begin, and with both 65 Court Street and 110 Livingstone Street sold where they will be held.
It’s so nice to now that the IRS will cease garnishing my wages soon. 1200 fucking dollars.
New home within the year
Nature, time and patience;
Do not give up the beginning.
Your luck has been completely a show in itself.
Of your best attributes, you will inherit
The limitations of the times, a little more hard work.
Always the hardest,
More than any other tool or technique good luck is the result
Honesty and integrity are like a medicine
We had to have something of ourselves, not simply a means of sustaining loneliness.
Give a kiss to the person who changed today.
The small steps you take will ultimately renew
go forth in the bold day.
Who sits next to you
Although one means to the end,
Such contrasts that they behave as made up of each other.
Having stumbled onto something special.
Or if it’s specific to whenever I see him, spending time on what both
Reflects changes in the common and expected to a new rhythm fitted for the unexpected
While your heart is in the wilderness.
Of course no one can get in or out,
We could not and enjoy life as different and there’s still essential weakness.
It holds true to any thing that makes you vulnerable.
Locked into the addictive pattern.
I’ve been thinking about my theory that everyone hates a hero. I wrote about how I was irritated by the finale of my Buffy due to the fact that they end every year by her killing whoever the big bad was. Then I remembered that every James Bond movie I rooted for the villain. Along with every time I saw Mission Impossible. If they were such impossible missions they would have failed at least once. I was thinking it’s the certainty of hero’s that I find so unattractive; the whole guns blazing end with a big bang. Done to death.
It is time to get into bed. We got back from the studio remixing the last batch of demos for Intervisitations. Mark said he liked the title, and Ori is allready working on the art. The first mixes of this stuff were very fuzzy sounding. The new demos sound way better. Mark said he would do real mixes of the record when the time came. He also said he liked
amoung the living
. I’m going to start looking at prices for real short run package deals. I don’t plan on making more than maybe two hundred discs. I can’t wait.
I know I’m no computer expert. I’m not a hacker or any other the other appellations that the computer literate call themselves, but I pride myself on a certain level of competance. I like to think I have the patience, the skill, and the thoroughness to solve most of my own problem. Maybe not without help, but when given it I can implement it with minimal handholding. That’s why this problem with Real Player is so vexing. I have tried everything I could think of including asking for help and nothing has worked and it just keeps crashing on me.
It’s been a lazy weekend. Matt was at Amy’s. I hung around the house, walked Buddy, and read Daria fanfiction my newest obsession. I was reading the CF Foreman stuff at work, and I’ve been read Kara Wild now. Got a call from Eric Rosen. He is now living in San Francisco. He said he almost got a job, but the potential employer was crazy. He didn’t mention his stay on Devoe St, and neither did I. I’m not over it, but I’m not going to keep rehashing it. I just don’t have the energy to fight that battle anymore.
Wondering why beautiful eyes
So the present, utterly form’d, impelled by the ground and examined the real.
Trust you intuition, the universe of your fables.
Spurning the known, eluding the hold of the three great healers.
Maybe go out.
The trend is already something that others want.
I’ve been told it is.
Thought it might be helpful to get
Essential was also the additional
Desperation naked and removed and used.
You for there are the seas inlaid with eloquent gentle wires.
And I am sure she would leave
Her wrongs against me and say
That it had gone.
Got a bunch of e-mails from Jeff. My fucking webmail isn't working again. It’s been four days since I could read my mail at work. Verizon, I shouldn’t have to say more. I could have answered his question then, but instead I had to wait until I got home. He wanted me to change an entry, and then said not to. I don’t mind. I was glad to hear from him. I was upset about the earlier e-mail situation. I also feel bad about the upcoming Buddy problem. I know I promised I’d take walk him, but I need help.
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