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So I'm back again @ 100 words. Just had my big vacation. Four days off, and then six days. It was great to be able to get alot of good nothing in. I spent part of it going insane at my parent's house. Now I remember why I started to do drugs in the first place. I went nearly two months drug free, and will be drug free til my birthday. That was interesting. Being at my parent's house drug free ment I was drinking a lot more. Since I've stopped smoking pot I've noticed I watch much less TV.
Back to work. Suck. People calling all the time, and wanting things. Why can't they just stop calling. No he's not here. No she can't get the phone. She's not picking up. I don't know where she is. That's right thier out for the week. It's bad enough that I have all this god damm filingbut copying, and answering the phone, and being on time, and doing work. It makes me wish I were still only working part time. What I really need is a 45,000 dollar a year part time job. Three days a week. That would be grand.
I've burned discs this week, and have downloaded over three gigs from my news groups. I really dig Mircoplanet Gravity. I had wanted to get rid of Newshark because it was so slow, and I didn't want to have to pay for the release version. Now newsgroups are more fun to lay with. I'm going to have to burn a disc tomorrowI just set up three or four records to download.
I have been e-mailing Matt song's every couple of days. It's great he has DSL now. It was such a drag with him not having Internet acess at Amy's.
Good time tonite. Saw the Mink Lungs. They will be playing Brownies again in two weeks. Must burn those discs of thier stuff for Mimi. I did Essense, Sweet Old World for her. I couldn't burn the Rough Trade record for some reason. I've got three Mink Lungs to burn for her. I also promised to do that Lee ‘Scratch' Perry collection for Pree. Giancarlo is becoming a fine lead guitarist. He's playing longer more fluid phrases, and the shorter phrasess are showing a distinct soul-stax influence. Good stuff. Jennifer and Tom lock in well. Irving Plaza by next year?
One thing to mention about the Mink Lungs show. I was with Elana, which is strange in and of its self. I don't make it a habit of hanging with my sister. It's not that I wouldn't want to see her. I just don't. WhatI found interesting was when she decided that she wanted to get up to the front. She just did. No excuse me, or could you move over. She just walked through people.
Dinner at Matt and Amy's. Got the bus there with Mimi. Gave her the discs of mink lungs. Matt and Amy are gracious hosts.
I went to Peter Luger's for my dad's birthday. Good steaks. Didn't get the bacon tonight. They make great bacon, as well as great whipped cream. Very tasty, but I have no idea how exspensive it is to go there, but it's quite a fine resturant. The service could be better I supose. It's too crowded to have the armies of people milling around they have in some exspensive places, but the people they have are very good with great personality. I wouldn't want to eat like that a lot, but it is a real pleasure. Dad got a card.
Paid the rent today. That really bites. Went to Matt's place with Jeff and Mimi. That was cool. Jeff was talking about moving to Germany for six months. I always thought that would be cool to live various places for a little while. I don't like vacations, and I'm not talking about not going to work. But the idea of being someplace for a week or two. I want to be able to know a place a little bit. 6 months sounds right. Just enough time to get a small picture, a small taste. I wonder if he'll really go.
Since I'm not buying pot anymore I guess it's a good time to try to put it into perspective. A mimimum of 150 dollars a week for weeks a month tweleve months a year. 7200 Notice I said a mimnimum. A minumum of twenty dollars a day. But lets be honest. A quarter which goes for about anwhere from 80$ to $150 will last anywhere from three days to two weeks. So really we (Matt and I) were spending $300 a week or 14400 or $40 dollars a day. I'm not sure how we managed to do that. $1200 monthly.
I am now running WinXP. It a huge program. Tomorrow I get officeXP. I used Norton system works earlier. I think things are running better. I have to make a emergancy disc foor it. XP is very graphics heavy, but still seems to work fairly quickly considering how much stuff they jam into it. It seem to be more stable the Win98SE which I was using. I'll know more when I've used it for a while. This is the first major thing with the computer in a while. Now it's really incombent to me to upgrade however much I can.
I do mind lying to people about having pot. I really do. It's hard to tell, but I do. I've gotten to the sad part where I have to admit to myself that no matter what I do, other than not smoke it. I will run out. It's the illusion of the bag I think. That you have so much that it'll never run out, but it does. It always runs out. I'm doing a great job not smoking all of it, or some other nonsense. So I really do feel bad, but you can't have any of mine. Sorry.
How strange I'd have forgotten how hard to plan anything with Matt is. We tried to plan meeting for brunch it degenerated into Jeff and I walking to get bagels. I just installed WinXP and I just know getting Matt over here to put his crap on CD is going to be a real trial. Oh well, I guess I should have known. It was a trial to get anything done. I can't comepleatly blame him. I wasn't any better at getting things done. All those "plans." We'll put the laundry away. Tomorow we'll really clean the apartment. That's life.
I'm returning to my first true love. Alcohol. She's hurt me, embarrassed me, cause my life great pain and suffering, but this time it will be different. We've both grown, well at least I have. Ok, it's like this. I can't smoke pot anymore. Well not everyday to excess, I want to live to at least fifty, and not carry an oxygen tank if possible, or have a heartatack at forty five. So the lungs will get a break and now it's the livers turn. I guess it's making the most of a bad situation. I think I'll start now.
Spare Me is over. I'm not sure if I said it before, but it is. I'm throwing away the letters, the orders, the ads, the one sheets, everything. It just makes me sad. I have to admit that I wasn't good at it, and it's the same thing that is a problem in every aspect of my life. I can't get anything done. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am lousy at commitments, at getting things done on time. Days, weeks months, years they just go with nothing to show. But it is all over now.
Another weekend burned. Not nearly enough time, or money. Chilled at home base. Watched Cowboy Bebop on Cartoon network. I also started wtaching Dragonball Z. I've seen a few epsiodes before. But this was the first time I watched them from beginning to end. I really don't understand what is going on. Tomorrow is another workday. I just can't take it. It's not as if it's hard to get through the days there. It's just the expectation that I'm going to do work, and that I have to be there. I guess it's slightly better than getting high all day.
Jeff's birthday get together was tonight. He has a good group of friends. It would be nice to actually get to know them. As it is it's an enjoyable evening whenever I run across them. It was nice to see Ori. I hadn't realized how much fun she is to be around. I so rarely see her. She was wearing this great vintage seventies top. Seventies fashion works for her. The place was negligable. Two of Ori's friends from the implosion were there. I kind of remember them. None of the 281-Devoe crowd came. That was lame. Jeff's limeric sucked.
Wednesday, humpday. It's trite but I still judge the day by it. I know if I can get to Wednesday things will not be so bad. Friday is always long but you don't have to be at work the next day. It's just Thursday. I of course also view the days by what on t.v. and Wednesday is a good day. This year I have Enterprise and the West Wing. Previously Law and Order would have been a must see, but like so many others it's a walking corpse. I used to watch like getting high and watching cop shows.
So Verizon's whole network in several cities are down. I was hoping to waste some time on the web tonight. Got home watched the Daria episodes I taped with my Tivo. I really like that show. I've been thinking about why I relate to the chracter of Daria so much. I think I have a similar dificulty in showing emotions. It's a real shame that it will be going of the air comepletle. MTV doesn't tend to show things that have gone off the air. It's really a high point in American animation, and one of MTV's few worthwhile contributions.
Now that I live alone I can't blame Matt, for how disgusting the apartment is. Ok, but it's harder, and as the time goes, and it goes. It gets harder, and no-one is impressed but the progress that is made. I can't have anyone over here with it the way it is, and I do want people to want to come here, and right now I don't want to be here. Haven't gotten past the pack rat barrier and its going to hurt. Boxes with random numbers, the pens, the random crap, trade show hats, rubber balls, and business cards.
Error 678 there is no answer. Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but that's what it feels like sometimes like there is nothing that can be done. The drudgery and misery of life is unending. Low wages crappy apartment. Endles depression. "There never really is a good time. Always nothingleft to say." Work sucks harder than ever, and I've so fucked up my grades I'll never get a good job. There is also the fact that my DSL is down. I just don't now what to do. I'm barely getting my bills paid. Well no work Monday. That's cool.
I don't know what to do with the weekend anymore. I sit around and read, watch TV. With my DSL down it's even more aparent. I should be doing something. Cleaning or rearranging the apartment, but I haven't the will to do either. I put away some dishes I watched a month ago. I empted the liter box. The cat's been gone a while ago. I haven't the money to do anything, or go anywere and with the snow I'm not sure I want to. I'll pay off Capital one in another few months, and then Aspire. It never ends.
Frustration. Haven't been able to get online all weekend. I could go to Jeff's but it's not the same. He's lt me use his dial tone so I can use a Bellatlantic dial up, but I still can't get online. IT"S NOT AS IF I HACE ANYTHING IMPORTANT TO DO ONLINE> IT"S JUST THE FACT THAT I CAN"T THAT"S REALLY ANNOYING LIKE THE FACT THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN EVERYTHING I TYPE IS IN CAPS< AND I DON"T KNOW WHY> HOPEFULLY this will will never happen again. At least it's stopped. So maybe I'll be able to get online tomorrow.
It is frustrating to be waiting for my grades again. Knowing once more I could have done better but better to what purpose. I still can't answer what I want to do when I grow up. I thought I wanted to be a writter, but I don't love to write. I've thought about teaching, or being a lawyer, but I don't know. I see law school in my future if I haven't screwed up my grades in college so baly that I can't get into a law school. It frustrating how badly I screwed up my bio final. Fucking sucks.
Bourbon and apple juice. It's not excaxtly donuts and champange but I think I'm taping into a similar ethos. Time Warner just took the cable box away. An unwanted but necessary intrustion into my rolling pity party. I can't decide if it's good that I don't have any pot. I have realized why the rats haven't returned. There is so much toxic crap under the sink. Their area of entre the last time that nothing could survive. I'm now about a week clean, but I still feel clouded. I guess it's the effect of lack of sleep. That's all now.
A lot of moving around at work today. People having their desks moved, and people are just tense. No one knows what is going on, or if they do they're not saying. Knowing that you work for an orginization that many people would like to see dismantled is distressing. But knowing that it's in the process of being dismantled is even more distressing. I'm not fearful of my job. I'm sure I won't be fired in the short term. It's the knowledge that there might not be a long term, or any sort of future that is depressing. Tottally sucks.
So she wrote back. I was concerned when she hadn't returned either phone message I left, but she did mention them in her e-mail. I hope we do end up playing pool this weekend. I've always wanted to learn, and this would be a good opportunity. I have to go to Brooklyn College today actually, being that it is almost 2am. I was thinking about the time when my folks went to the hunted house somewhere. Canada I don't remember anymore, and I got so scared and we had to leave. I don't even know why I was so scared.
I think I have gotten through the monthly depression. I feel better. Well right now I feel better. Is it bad that I'm not as drunk as I want to be? I got a one-litter sprite and have been drinking Basil Hayden. My second favorite burbon of the moment after Jefferson's Reserve, but I'm not getting hammered. It's only 90 proof, but I should be a lot more intoxicated. But I'm not depressed tonight, really. I'm alone, but it's ok. I will be a college graduate at 32 or is it 33, anway I have a job and a home.
Matt's not going to Dim Sum tommorow. I'm always at a loss as to what to call it. For awhileI thought it was Chinese tea luncheon. My dad always says Dim Sum, but that ionly describes some of what you can get. It't like when you say Tapas, orsomething where it clealy defines what kind of meal you going to have, or does it and I just don't know it? Could be. It's been along time since we went as a family. Often Elana and my mom aren't there, usually Elana isn't there, but mom and Matt aren't coming now.
Went to Matt and Amy's for dinner that was nice. Smoked a little pot listened to music. I brought Matt a bunch of computer crap that I got from our dad. Elana called, apparently Matt and Amy are instaling some shelves for her. I guess that's cool. While I was at their place we talked about pop culture stuff. It was fun. Mimi called earlier and told me she wasn't going to be there. Between our two cell phones we could hardly hear each other. I ended up feeling like such an idiot. At least she called. No more now.
Later on today I will be trying to enroll in classes. This is my entry for the 28th technically, but being that it's 12:34, I'm writting it on the 29th. I've got to remember to talk to Mike Agona about getting Word2002 for XP. Maybe I'll actually be able to spell check. It really sucks not having that and only grammer check which only works so so at best. Went to dinner with mom and dad. One less meal I have to pay for. I'm still waiting for my grades. It's causing me great distress. Only a matter of time.
I really have been away from Buffy for a long time. Willow not using magic. Spike and Buffy having very ackward sex. Zander and Anya's relationship being icky, no wait, that's about the same. I know it's the proverbial pot calling the kettle black, but Zander's getting fat, just like Quentin Tarintino. It was good, better than I was expecting. I have been feeling alittle alienated from the whole Buffy thing. I will be watching the reruns. Not having school on Tuesday nights anymore, and with the dish I can watch Buffy, then Gilmore Girls, and then on into Smallville.
Another month of words thirty-one days of self-involed minutiae and cultural obsessions, and I could be even more obsessive on a personal level. But I'll leave the masturbation fantasies and tales gastro-intestinal distress to the experts. I'm more concerned with the minute variation of my emotional moods. Sort of like watching the barometric pressure, or monitoring a fault line. Every month the themes are the same; depression, loneliness, money troubles, general chaos, but there is a slightly different melody. I hold to a hope of change, of growth, of being less alone, of maintaining connections with people, despite being unreliable.
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