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Another crazy day at the "office". I say "office" coz it's not really an office just a building my bro and myself are using to work from so somehow in my head it's different. Just got off the phone with the British High Commission here in Malta and hoping they send men on the security course we are delivering this October. If the past is anything to go by they will be snotty and say they do not need further training-having said that, times are dodgy so you never know…Am off now coz playing DJ at the 4 Seasons tonight.
Nothing exists. If anything exists it is incomprehensible. If it is comprehensible then we cannot communicate it. The fellow who uttered these words finally gave up on philosophy and turned to rhetoric. Can't really blame him. Yet he might be right-if nothing does exist then how can there be something? Yet again nothing is something and some might say it is one and the same thing….On the third premise no one can deny that we have a problem with communication…ask me-my girlfriend just gave up on me. How's that for philosophical??! Could be worse I guess, could have been married.
You arrive at the airport. Girlfriend is waiting to take you home and make up for two weeks of (alleged) celibacy. Get home after getting mucked around by customs only to realise girlfriend left mobile phone in airport. Back to airport asking police whether they found mobile. They say no, you smile stupidly and walk out to your car but it's not there. Car has been towed away. You go to police (again) trying hard not to explode. They sense your desperation and give you your car without charging you. You go home and sleep without having sex. F*%$ this.
Cows. That's what 80% of persons on this blessed planet are, according to an authority on interviewing. Damn right. Most of us munch away and stare at life pass us by, day by day with that pathetic resignation, thinking "but what can you do, I'm so unlucky, I'm so hard up, I'm so …whatever. Might as well just jump off the next cliff and get it over and done with, put ourselves out of our misery and make way for those that want to make a difference, even a bad one. But please, do not just stand there, do something.
Just wore faded jeans I had hidden away and they now fit just right. Looks cool I guess but the fact that they were two sizes too big eight years ago and almost one too small now pissed me off, naturally. Gotta cool down on the booze Been dreaming (again) of leaving for OZ for a few weeks as getting claustrophobic here. First time I was getting round to (starting) planning for it was in 2001, then my apartment caught fire! So I sort of put off my trip for a few, well, years. It's back to the drawing board…
"Do not get attached to nutin you cannot walk away from in sixty seconds flat if you feel the heat comin round the corner…." De Niro in Heat. That's the discipline, he said. Sad but true. Sounds ironic, really. You must have a great sense of sacrifice and discipline to adhere to such a spartan way of life and there is commitment but it is only to yourself and noone else. Some might look upon it is a life of courage, others of fear. When one has nothing to lose (or little) then the price is also little or nothing.
Broke again. Feel like I'm back in high school, thinking of immediate ways of making some money, like selling some of my furniture. Furniture I would not miss really as most of it's my parents' and it's pretty old now. On the other hand the style is almost back in fashion now…. . Who cares – I'd rather afford to buy a few beers and a turkish take-away then sit on a chair and eat crackers! Yes, yes, it's that bad at the moment, basic economics really, spending more than I'm earning and people who owe me money just ain't paying.
In a damn rush again, can you believe it! I am making an effort to sit for a few minutes in front of this pc and write a few (100 to be exact) words to keep in line with what is required of me at this stage (wow). The truth is that I do actually spend quite a bit of time at the desk but doing other stuff, you know….. Only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that tonight (unless I get run over by a freight train) I'll be knocking down a few vodkas at the local.
Every day he tells himself he'll change his life, even if in a small way, but nonetheless a change. He is not one for change for he fears it. But he knows he must make it soon for time is not on his side or anyone else's. And he too falls prey to the standards and so-called obligations imposed on us by society. Who is this society we all take for granted? Dare we get off the treadmill inside the cage and escape from one of the most cruel ways of dying……that of spending a whole life basking in mediocrity?
Leave me alone I'm tired. That's what I would have said were I at home with my girlfriend. It was around 11:30 p.m. and I was drinking and dancing (!) and generally being an idiot and did not feel one bit tired or sleepy! It's amazing the amount of energy that rises in you when you are barflying. That's how it's been lately- in for a shower and a bite and out on the booze. No surprise that work is suffering, as is my liver. Not to mention, my relationship. Still, it's a buzz. Knowing you can still fly. Yes!
: Took out the cooker at 0700 hours, no not for a walk. The refuse man picked it up minutes later. An old piece that had been staring at me for the last few months, doing nothing because she had been replaced by a new model and I could not be bothered to get rid of it until today. Later on in the day I attended the funeral of a friend barely thirty- three years old. I now realised I would probably never see my cooker or Ashley again. Rest in piece, and look over your family, you mad mother.
I sometimes wonder whether what we dream has anything to do with events we have actually been through before or maybe they are a taste of things to come. Then there are event s that I remember or think I remember and doubt whether they are actually memories or just dreams I had when I was younger. Some of the memories are so vivid and detailed that they can hardly be dreams, or could they? Maybe deep down inside I just wish they were just weird dreams, and bad ones at that. No such luck, I know it really happened.
I once read somewhere that when two friends argue they should never terminate their friendship just because of that one occasion. We should overcome our pride and not lett a hassle ruin all the other positive experiences the two have enjoyed together prior to that fight. True, it takes a lot of modesty but it is said to pay off in the long run. It's easy to just stand back and see what happens but it takes some guts to make the first move. What's the worst that can happen? If the worst is not that bad, go for it.
Yesterday I heard a guy on Discovery Channel say the cheetah lives for around 12 years whilst the tortoise, well just for over two hundred years! Just goes to show that no use in rushing around all the time and getting stressed-out, best take it easy and hang loose…. No really, here I go again , another day of rushing around (first inside the house then outside, don't know which is worst) like Flash Gordon, off to save the world. Was sorely tempted to dump my last case and join the boys celebrating Ronnie's (second) wedding. Good job I didn't….
Procrastination. What a damned deficiency, a flaw even, in my character! How to overcome this curse I ask? Putting it off for the umpteenth time knowing only too well that it will be even harder next time round when I actually decide (or am forced) to do what it is that needs to be done. Is it genetic, I mean is it nature or nurture that is to blame for this apathy? Or is it just plain idleness… Inaction breeds pestilence. William Blake, I believe. And rather strangle an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires. Blake again. Yes.
No money again. Who gives a shit. What's new? Not much. Feels like when I was younger I guess, having just about (almost) enough that's all. Some good in that maybe. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that….God, the anger I have inside me is bloody eating me up. Stop being a hypocrite I say and be yourself. Probably won't like what you see but that's who you really are. The inner child is beckoning and you will have to answer his call some day soon. Rather soon than later but good enough if answered at all. Word.
Here we are again. Difference is I am 36 as opposed to yeseterday's 35. Should I feel any different? I have been feeling different for quite some time now but I can't pinpoint it to any one particular day, even less today as I have only been awake for a while yet. In fact I woke up with a buzzing in my ears (again) and I think it's that hotel's generators humming all day and night that's the culprit. Gotta move from here. Needs some planning in order not to get into tight financial situations. But I'm leaving, you'll see.
Had a row with my girlfriend coz thought she did not organise anything for my birthday. Seems I was wrong as she booked a table at the China House yesterday evening. Did not even shower to get there on time at 2030 hours and screwed up her plas as she had planned a surprise- two of my friends (and their girls) showed up five minutes after we did. They were more surprised than I was as I am ot usually on time unless it's work. Had a ball. Fee l like a shit now for thinking I had been forgotten….
Court Inquiry today a.m. Theft from a winemakers warehouse. Run of the mill investigation. Grabbed a Mc Donalds (against my principles, but boy did it taste good!) and drove down to pick up my partner and then drove to the airport to pick up a Brit. Was to spend the next four days in his company instructing some twelve men in particular skills. I called them the dirty dozen. Things seemed to be coming together and eventually they did. But it was to change soon enough…..Knew it had to and also knew I had to do it, again. Why me?
I should actually talk about the driving course that we are delivering at the moment but have a sour taste to it so I won't. Will instaed talk of music, yes music. What would we do without it? Have we ever stopped to think about the possibility of not ever listening to music again. The day that musiv=c died maybe? What would we do then, Listening to Sinead O connor at the moment (nothing compares to you)_ so you can see whgere I'm coming from , or not. Nostalgic pieces like this usually make my back hairs stand on end.
Philosophy or Law? That's the question I will have to answere eventually if It's studying I'll be going into. You know the feeling when you walk into court and see legal reps or lawyers or prosecutors doing their stuff and doing it badly or well, at any rate, and you juist stand tere and do nothing because you are only a court expert, a technical court expert no less but that's it. Gone are the days when you would go off to grab a whisky after having won a case (or simply an argument) in court against a distigiushed lawyer.
Carpe Diem. Seize the day. Damn right you should. Stop living like cows.That goes for me, of course, that's why I'm pissed off. Always procrastinating, and evading and escaping. As if we're here for ever… get it on mate and get down to it, we're not getting any younger. And, remember that you can (and have for the most part already) be all you want to be. So tell those dream killers to mind their own business. Only a few are chosen…. Running out of ideas so I'll write some gibberish and see if I get away with it.. Yep.
This is harder than I thought, then again noone said it would be easy. if it were then everyone would be doing it. No not necessarily, as this is (I feel or rather, would like to believe) is something for the few not the many. 100 words that's what I'm in about if you haven't realised yet and I'm busy trying to catch up. Don't even know if I'm already disqualified. Well it's the thought that counts. In this case it's the word that counts but since we read before we think and think before we write than it's ok.
Already a week gone by since my last birthday. Wow! Ain't no good life as Lynnryd Skynnyrd say… Well lots of stuff been happening and not all of it good yet. May have to get worse before it gets better, or maybe I'm already over that bit. Will have to take it one step at a time as otherwise it wiil seem to big to handle. I'll be losing some money now or maybe just breaking even but the more time passes the more I realise I have to do it in a few days time. Just see what happens.
Don't want these writing to seem like a diary each time so will not always just record the events of the day. I know I haven';t been dioing just that but felt I needed to clarify the matter. As usual the noise around this mother of an aprtment is dinning and my ears are constantly ringing and what's worse it's the subtle hum of the generators that piss me off and make me white with anger. Cars screeching around and fumes coming in from every damn aperture in the place- enough to drive anyone round the bend. Sort it out.
Running on the last fuel now.. Gonna have written around two weeks in one day and I know that's probably not the underlying concept of the whole thing but who cares really if I get disqulaified? I mean I care but who else? I'll keep on writing until someone tells me not to , and I probably will anyway even then. How come I'm coning out and saying this when I could easily say nothing and get on with it? Well it defeats the purpoes of writing if we can't at least be honest on paper, for Christ's sake!!! Word.
Don't know what to say next so will probably be some nonsense. Drinking is actually a daily occurrence now and it's taking a toll on the financial and pysical aspects to this life I lead. Is it a problem yet? Would say it's becoming one and one that I could easily tackle. That';s being optimistic and not altogether honest. But having said that, I could go from drinking every day (and night) to staying in and writing, reading or watching old movies (war and police and literature and philosophical and Bruce Lee and comedies and well everything on the shelf).
Totally effed up day this. Going round in circles like a kid waiting to enter the headmasters office, not a good feeling. The feeling is actually the reason why I must make this decision as this can't be right. Something wrong here, but on the other hand, it is not meant to be easy, to dissolve with a few words, the doings of many many years. Years of work and even more years of relations. Still, this is something I've been dreading and I know it must be done today. Tomorrow will be another day too late.
Yesterday was one of the longest days. Not in a time sense, but in a way which I would not like to experience again. Seems like I may have lost a friend in the process of taking extremely hard decisions. I feel it's for the better but others feel differently and what's more, seem to be offended and hurt. For that I am deeply sorry and was not my intention, on the contrary, I took this step in order to preserve a friendship, to have one not based on work. But it went the other way. Why was I surprised?
For whom the bell tolls, no not the novel but what I'm actually hearing now. I'm actually listening to (no hearing) the dreaded bells from the Parish church toll yet again and the wail of an ambulance siren in the backgorund (In the background because the bells out-sound the siren), so I cannot help (really I just thought of it now) think trhat it's ironic (for want of a better word) that the bell is tolling for the person who is waiting for the ambulance. Even more ironic would be were the ambulance to overturn on its way to hospital.
Back to the drawing board. Hopelessly reading newspapers and watching tv and saying that's what I'm gonna do or that's what I must do or that's where I want to live ,bla bla bla. Whatever. Depressing isn't it? It's not like there aren't people (whom you know personally) who are doing things that most only dare read about, so it must be easier to get into the scene. That is if you really want to. One of the best incentives is unhappiness I guess , because when you're comfortable you do not really need to change anything much any more.
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