BY Jargon

04/01 Direct Link
Today I finally did something I've been meaning to do for a very long time. I had tea with Laura after class. Not my sister-in-law, but the other one. She's very nice, and I do like her. But my fears have come to be. I was afraid I wouldn't like her as much as I like Jocelyn. She's a great girl, but I still have stronger feelings towards Jocelyn. I'm back to where I started. I suppose if I wait long enough the problem will just go away, and I'll be left alone, with no pesky problems to worry about.
04/02 Direct Link
Jocelyn is just a likable person. She just kicks ass. No one could blame me for liking her. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard to impress her, or talk to her, or conveniently be free for lunch. I need to be able to just let it happen if it's going to happen, and not try to force it. Maybe she senses that I try too hard. Girls have all sorts of intuition and stuff, I hear. Who knows what she knows?! It's a bit different with Laura. It isn't forced, but it lacks the same kind of chemistry.
04/03 Direct Link
Today I was "Lookin' Jake." Felt good on the inside, and showed it on the outside. First time in a while, but I got some looks. Girls were eyeing me up. Swear to god. Felt good. It felt good to not be depressed for once. This weekend was a good thing. It was good to see my family again. It grounded me in reality again. I've been adrift in the universe for a long time. Never really thinking of where I came from. How am I supposed to know where I'm going, if I don't know where I came from?
04/04 Direct Link
The end of the school year is nearing. Of course it is now, so late in the game, that I would start to meet more people. I hope that these people will remember me four months from now. I'd hate to start completely from scratch. Well, on second thought, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to start fresh. It took most of the year to just get used to my new surroundings. Next year I won't be such a newbie. I'll be able to take things in stride more easily. I'll be able to be myself more easily.
04/05 Direct Link
A Brief Treatise on the Soul.

I believe everything has a soul: Trees, people, animals, and even places. A location can have a soul just as much as any living organism. When you live in/around a place for long enough, you start to get a feeling for it, you become attached to it, you get to know it. Just as you would with a person. It is this perception of a soul that makes the soul exist. Our souls live in the memories and thoughts of others. Human beings are therefore soul facilitators. A soul exists whenever someone perceives someone/something.

04/06 Direct Link
"Who do you dream about, Baby? Who do you dream about? Say me."

Now that was a Saturday night. My day was lazy, until five anyway. After five, the evening turned into a staccato paced race around the city. Starting with supper with family at a popular Italian restaurant. Dinner was hectic, noisy, lively. Then quickly whisked off to rendezvous with Colin and Tristan to get to the Big Sugar concert. And what a concert. It was incredible. Gordy shred his guitar as expected. An awesome show was delivered, with subsequent encore. Laidback crowd. Party afterwards. Fun had by all.

04/07 Direct Link
My god, my ears are still ringing. I feel like shit today. I felt like I was getting sick before, but I feel like I'm dying now. Two more days of school left, and I can sleep and eat and relax and play and decompress and get healthy for a few days. That is until I have to start bucking down for finals. And how I will have to buck down. Then, after finals are over, I get to go back to school for some summer classes. YAY. Actually, I'm looking forward to it. English anyway. But not Math though.
04/08 Direct Link
I'm going to miss school. I miss it already, and I still have tomorrow to go. I think I'd like to go to school forever. Well, more accurately, I think I'd like to stay 19 forever. And go to school too. I don't think it's gonna happen. I've noticed that adults who try to stay children forever, end up being adults doing childish things. I suppose by the time I graduate, I'll be ready for the rest of the world. I guess that's why it's called graduation. Whether I think I'm ready or not, I'll be thrust into the world.
04/09 Direct Link
I'm torn about what to do this summer. It's not that I have no direction in life, it's that I have too many. It's hard to decide which is best. I could take intersession classes; however, this option is slowly eliminating itself. The mythology class I wanted to take is full. I may still be able to get in, but I somehow doubt it. And if I did want to get into this class, I would have to put a hold on any other decision while I waited to see if there would be an opening for me to apply.
04/10 Direct Link
So far, I have registered for a math class in July. And I'd rather not have to take it. I registered with the intention of never taking it. Its just there incase I don't pass this math final. One good reason to start studying my ass off now: math in July. I mean I had better stop fucking around if I know what's good for me. I don't want to be taking math in July! Jesus Christ! I'd rather be planting tulips and cutting grass. Hell, I might like to do that anyway. Maybe just fuck math all together anyway.
04/11 Direct Link
Another option is to go back home and work for the city parks department. I've worked for the city before, so I think I have a job if I apply. But wait, there's more! There's a special little twist that makes this option so inviting. Jocelyn. That's right, she's going home for the summer, and guess where she's gonna work. That's right, planting tulips, and cutting grass. What better chance to get to know her than to lay a few flower beds with her? There is a slight (read major) downside to this plan. I have to live at home.
04/12 Direct Link
Living at home this summer is not an idea I'm very fond of. I like this city. I've fallen in love with it. I love the river, the buildings, the people, and the size: Not too big, none too small. It has a culture, and identity. It has a soul. As any city does. It's the impression it lays in my mind. It's the alive feeling I get walking around downtown. The landscape itself has a personality. It's a personality laid down by the accumulated little intricacies of this cities inhabitants. They impregnate their surroundings with every part of themselves.
04/13 Direct Link
It's the graffiti on the walls, and the pigeons in the bus terminal. It's the old man security guard at the library that calls me lad like my father does. It's the reflection of the city skyline on the river. It's the sparkling city lights off in the distance. It's the sky above, so tumultuous and alive. It's the soul of the city. Basically, I love living here, and I don't want to leave it for anything in the world. This summer in the city could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want to leave.
04/14 Direct Link
My hometown has a soul too, one I'm fond of as well, but its soul is a wounded one. It has some baggage, and it needs time to heal. Some day I might want to return there to live permanently, but I don't want to be there now. I love having my own space, free of anything familiar, for me to explore and play with. It's still a new relationship. I've just met this city, and I'm starting to fall in love with it. It's like meeting someone new, and feeling an affection start to grow from somewhere deep inside.
04/15 Direct Link
So now, if I stay in the city, I'd need to get a job here. This is a possibility. My brother-in-law has said there might be a job open for me. This would allow me to satisfy my desire for living in the city. This is why I'm torn. If I stay in the city, I'll be in the city I love, but if I go home to work, I could get closer to Jocelyn. I'd also be much closer to some old friends, and be able to go to the lake whenever I wanted. I consider that a GoodThing(tm).
04/16 Direct Link
There are pros and cons to either decision. How I perform during this month will dictate where I end up in the next four. One thing that would greatly help in opening my options would be passing this math final. That would free up July for me. One thing I don't want this summer is a duty that I know I'm going the hate keeping. It's one thing if it's work, then at least it's a brand new experience, and money in the bank, but it's a whole other story if it's something that I'm going to loath going to.
04/17 Direct Link
It's become my custom of late to try to catch the last few blazing seconds of the sunset on film. My balcony and the time of year provide me with a wonderful view of the fiery event. The sky evolves significantly. First, the light gains an orangish hue, and soon the sky is lit up like bon fire. Purples and deep blues emerge around the periphery. Slowly at first, but gaining momentum. If there are any clouds in the sky, they ignite, burn brightly, and fade. The last seconds provide a pillar of flame, soon extinguished by the ever-growing evening.
04/18 Direct Link
Skepticism is healthy in this day and age. Things aren't always as they seem. People seek to control you through the information they provide to you... or withhold from you. Anything can be manipulated, even truth. If I've grown jaded, and I know that I have, it is in reaction to the world I live in. People don't seem to agree with my point-of-view sometimes. They seem to think that it would be better for me to just lay down and let things happen. Can't win, don't try attitude. Maybe so, but I'll be plumb-fucked if I'm gonna go peacefully.
04/19 Direct Link
You give me that emergency-fetal-position-I-don't-wanna-hear-it-please-stop-talking- to me type feeling. Why does your truth cut through me like a knife? You strike at the heart, straight and true. And I fall, fast and devastated. Why do you have to be so goddamned precise with your incisions? Why must you dissect the dichotomy of my soul? Why must your analysis of me be so spot-on? I say I want truth, and in the end, I suppose I do, but that does not negate the injury incurred from your razor sharp tongue. Thank you for keeping me rooted in reality. I need it.
04/20 Direct Link
Please don't let me die in a goddamn hospital. I don't want to be surrounded by the inane hum of modern incompetence. I'd rather die instantly upon impact. Or, if I have to go painfully, at least let it be in a blazing fireball of glory. Something to write home about. Truthfully, if I really had my choice of how I should shuffle off this mortal coil, I think I might like to fade away peacefully on a tropical island; Surrounded my loved ones and a warm soft breeze that will carry me gently away into the sweet blue whatever.
04/21 Direct Link
And as thoughts of her once again entered my mind, I thought to myself "why can't you just let go of me." realization of my error immediately crept up on me. "No... why can't I just let go of you? You've let go of me long ago. This is my problem." I'm trying to move on. I want to move on. The problem is, nothing is happening. I've staled out at 10000 feet, and I'm in a flat spin to nowhere. Falling endlessly in no particular direction. There is no sky above to fly, and no ground below to crash.
04/22 Direct Link
I woke up, and decided I wanted to get out of the house. I wanted to go hang out downtown with Colin, he was sick, so I went by myself. I bought Sloan, 4 nights at the palais royale. And Sigur Ros, Agaetis Byrjun. The sloan cd was disappointing. It's a live cd, so it sounded like crap. And the Sigur Ros cd was scratched and skipped! Needless to say I was slightly disappointed with my purchases. The Sigur Ros cd is pretty cool. More symphonic than I was expecting, but still good. I intend to return them both though.
04/23 Direct Link
I returned the cds today. They wouldn't exchange Sloan, but they would buy it back from me. For 8 BUCKS! I bought it for 21!! They exchanged the Sigur Ros cd, but they weren't happy about it. Whatever. As replacements I got the Sloan cd I wanted in the first place, One chord to another, and Sleater-Kinney's All hands on the bad one. Top notch on both accounts. Get this! The clerk for some reason put the original Sloan cd back in my bag! I didn't notice till I got home. I don't feel bad about the 8 bucks anymore.
04/24 Direct Link
Having a thick bankroll can really change your outlook on life. It's a nice feeling being lush; a real high roller. You walk into a store and you know you could buy ten of everything. It equips you with a sense of confidence and assurance. Like nothing can go wrong. And if something did go wrong, you could make it better easily. In our society, money is the great liberator. Freedom is equated with having money. Was this always the case? Has economics always had such a high impact on the human race? How else are we to be free?
04/25 Direct Link
Wonderful thing number 484: Putting on a toasty warm bunny hug fresh from the dryer on a cold day. It can only be described as "womb-like." The sensation is short-lived, but I guess that is true for most wonderful things. And what a cold day it is. The winds, how they howl so. It even snowed, well quasi-snowed anyway. Then it was sunny, but then it rained. Then it was sunny again, then I rained, then I put on my bunny hug and closed the blinds. I close my eyes and dream I'm laying in warm sands near blue waters.
04/26 Direct Link

How are you?
Have we met before?
May we meet again?

Note to self, learn to spin pens in your hand like that chick over there can.

Fret, frantic, hectic, madcap
On the line, under the wire, intense, rushed, stressed, focused like a laser!

Why does her perfumed scent permeate the very air I breath
make me think she sits behind me
does my mind maybe play tricks on me
I fly off
Far flung
In a flight
Of free fancy
I think so

The harder I try, the less I actually study.
04/27 Direct Link
Freedom, freedom, horrible, horrible freedom. Finals are over and done with. I'm cut loose. Right after the test I ran into a friend, and she asked me if I was super releaved now that it was over and done with. Up to that point I hadn't really thought about it, but her question made me realize that yes, I do feel much more relaxed. It's like a giant weight off my back. So now I relax once more. Still though, there is something on the verge of my thoughts. I need a job. I'm going crazy with nothing to do.
04/28 Direct Link
My roommate is gone. Moved back home for the summer. It's going to be a long lonely summer unless I get a job. I'm not going home. I've decided that. Job search begins. A few promising positions, but I'll take what I can get. And now, I wait. Nothing to do but wait for a call for an interview. I've scattered my seed across the city, something is bound to grow. I hate this game. This waiting game. It's very boring. The sooner I get some structure back into my life, the better. Work shall temporarily replace my beloved school.
04/29 Direct Link
It's time to explore some callings. To travel the 4 winds. To find a piece of heaven to hold. I want to see the world. I want to know the people that call this place home. My life is a journey, and it's up to me to decide where I want to go next. I can't say where my final destination will end up being, but I'm sure I'll learn something on the way there. And if you ask me, I'd say that's the most important part. Hopefully I can look back on my path, and be proud of it.
04/30 Direct Link
I think this will be my last month of 100 words. For now anyway. I've had a good run. I'm surprised I've made it this far. But I'm cooked. It's time to stop thinking and writing about my life, and time to start living it. My soul is empty. I'm drained. The very words I write now are strained and forced. I'm running on E. I need to live a bit so that I have something more to say. because I think I've said everything I've wanted to say. It's been a good experience, one I hope to return to.