BY hmmaah

07/01 Direct Link
my first introduction was an unusual one. new years eve. freezing cold. fish-net stockings, mini-skirt, slutty makeup, big afro. for a skinny blonde dutch boy, i've gone far and seen much. with a natural desire to drink less, not more, it was quite alien to me. i've since met quite a few people in the program, among them one a very good friend. its weird - there is such support for each other, and wherever in the world, the knowledge that one is always only minutes away from needed support makes me almost envious that i don't drink more. [ends]
07/02 Direct Link
my house when i'm not home: the dishes are on the sink. waiting for condensation to do its thing. the fridge rattles and hums softly, inside butter, jam, single cream, milk, some fruit. on the kitchen table some left over guava juice, a half-empty wine glass of it. there is dripping going on in the bathroom! its a fawcett, reluctantly letting through water drop by drop. everywhere dust settles patiently. skin, food, little mini animals we can't see. patiently they collect. they know that together they are strong. my bedspread sits waiting for me. a collection of goose-feather memories. [ends]
07/03 Direct Link
peep. hi. claire? gosh its been ages! im just calling to say hi. sometimes you remember old friends out of the blue, and you wonder, after all this time gone by, do they remember me too? listen, i know what your thinking. i'm not a freak or, you know what i mean. i'm not going to show up at your door drinking, with my spay-painted scooby doo mystery machine. i just wanted to say that i remember you!! laughing, mostly. with piercings in your eye-brow. and i remember that night-time road-trip, just us two. 10 hours! man. wow. click. [ends]
07/04 Direct Link
[guava-juice addict: (v.intr gwavaa-djoos adikkt) an enthousiastic devotee of guava juice. consumes to an obsessive degree.] i confess. i'm addicted. i never saw it coming. this drink is so good it kills me. one of the best things to happen to me. "a wonderfully sweet, musky flavour which is exceptionally aromatic" they wrote on the box. wow huh? the best thing is that the guava fruit is the most vitamin c rich fruit there is. one thing worries me slightly. expiration date of this particular pack here in front of me has been recorded as 8:28am, april 3, 2119AD. [ends]
07/05 Direct Link
is eet he wor lddif feren t lyn ow. inm yeye st he rear eno mor eref lec tions. nom ore lig ht, forl ig hth as no lon gera pur pos e. i ha vefo und a dif feren tse lf, a stro ng er, bet ter, st rang er, des per ate lypai nful an dre-ass urings elf, asel fles ssel f, obs ess ive lyloo king vewi th. iwi llcon qu erit, mak eitsu bmit tomy will, li kea ca vemen whoca ptu resfi re, tu rn sthe ulti matede vilin to ato olfo rhim self. [ends]
07/06 Direct Link
writing daily makes me realize how unobservant i am. how much of my day passes me by. not that i am passive. or that nothing happens. i think its more that i don't bother to remember. in the routine of making memories there are serious issues of ineffeciency. my brain is flawed! maybe 100words also makes me more self-critical. makes me consider most of my thoughts not worthy because they won't produce a witty or challanging paragraph that describes the kind of life i wish i was having. the kind of life i want you to think im having. [ends]
07/07 Direct Link
well. what a GREAT day. i had a NICE lie in this morning. i woke up MARVELLOUSLY excited. my bike ride to work LOVELY. then i had a GORGEOUS hot shower. several very FRUITFUL brainstorms ensued. which is FANTASTIC. a good friend of mine needed a shoulder. sad though i was for her, it felt TOTALLY TERRIFIC to give her a good hug. back home i cooked a LIFE CHANGINGLY DELICIOUS dinner. just TASTE-BUD TEASINGLY TASTY. all my AMAZINGLY JEALOUSY-INDUCINGLY LOVELY friends called. and now, presumably, undoubtedly, an INCREDIBLY MIND-BUZZINGLY SUPER sleep will follow. WHAT A GREAT FUCKING DAY!!! [ends]
07/08 Direct Link
after parking my car at the school parking lot i hitched a ride with two girls on their bycicle. very fit and very beautiful. as we started biking through the mountains towards town, the girl biking was increasingly taking bigger risks. she would not follow the road, but made huge jumps off of cliffs. a 1000ft., us sailing through the air, for minutes at a time. the impacts were hard, which, she complained and swore, was our fault for not working towards them. when we finally made it to her house we had ferocious sex and a good dinner. [ends]
07/09 Direct Link
once there was a little bumblebee. furry, soft and lovely. and everything was as it was meant to be, but for the questions on his mind, you see? he went around to all his friends, asking why is the horizon both streight and bent? and when we stop hearing them, where do our words go to? but no one knew ..... then one day he got hit by a car. killed on the spot instantly, bumblebee was re-incarnated as a christmas tree. fell in love with a dandylion named mary lee. they lived happily ever after. (until christmas anyway) [ends]
07/10 Direct Link
my dinner. recorded on july 10th, 23:48. appetiser: amoy lychees. one can. in syrup. product of china. drained the lychees, then consumed from can with fork. two left upon finishing. main course: half a safeways apple pie. refrigerated. product contains "guar gum". was accompanied by a few spoonfulls of elmlea single cream. "tastes so good, lasts so long." upon finishing, licked the remaining cream off of baking tray. desert: (yet to be consumed) one bowl of kelloggs cornflakes. crunchy. accompanied by a quarter pint of dairy crest full-fat milk. not ice cold. to be consumed from bowl with spoon. [ends]
07/11 Direct Link
i wonder sometimes what my death will be like. i sort of hope for a gentle passing in my sleep not too long after 70. but i think that things will be more violent, more abrupt. out of the blue. crushing bone, breaking glass, hard metal tearing up my muscles and flesh. maybe thats just the romantic in me. in a twisted way i sort of look forward to it. not that i don't want to live, or want to skip my life. but it seems so inevitable, you know? i kind of just want to get past it. [ends]
07/12 Direct Link
i think and ponder sometimes how nice, i suppose, it is to receive packages in the mail because, and this is a little obvious perhaps (but then that doesn't make it any less true) it makes me feel special and its naturally exciting to wonder what might be in the package because it could be virtually anything (although a big thing like a life-sized jumbo jet is probably stretching my imagination a little) and, even more importantly, for me anyway - feel free to disagree - it could be from anyone anywhere! i have a sudden urge to masturbate. [ends]
07/13 Direct Link
hey tiger! just me saying"how the fuck are ya" and "whats new pussycat" just for kicks. just wanted to offer you my services as cook extraordinaire this week for another dinner earls court side. now, think about this for a moment: you broke, me broke. this time i cook beautiful food for £5. trust. me. call me if/when you're in the mood. i made a big copy of your barcelona psycho photograph today. for on the kitchen wall. its purrrfect! right - thats my 100 words for today. adios mi amore! let those bedbugs boogie on! down. down. boogie on...[ends]
07/14 Direct Link
we have decided to go to paris for lunch this sunday. only 2 hours from london. the channel tunnel. through fields of wheat and little towns. if you're not paying attention you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. not until paris anyway. since we are both completely broke it makes a lot of sense to go. one must make a choice in life between saving money or making memories. and then live by it. we are more than living by it. indulging in. rolling around like mudwrestlers all dirty and deliciously exhausted. unfortunately paris is sold out. bummer. [ends]
07/15 Direct Link
simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it simple. keep it [ends]
07/16 Direct Link
07/17 Direct Link
i'm obsessed with looking at myself. i really hate to admit it, even to myself, but i'm at the moment slightly drunk from an excellent bottle of australian merlot and so i’ll admit to pretty much anything right now. i'll deny all knowledge in the morning. i look at myself in anything that is even slightly reflective. car windows, shop-windows, windows. at home i parade around in front of the mirror shamelessly, chest out, stomach in, jaws-tensed up. are you like me? lets face it, you need help. do your loved-ones a favour and call your local councellor today. [ends]
07/18 Direct Link
may the good lord release me from this wretched life! this mockery of a human existence. for that, my love-petal, is what i am without you. ever more stale, ever more gray, ever more weary. without the delight that is the vision of you, the scent of you, the feel of you. when will my eyes once again rest upon your graceful body? the restitution of this moment will be the death of me. so overwhelming will be the joy at your return that i fear with all my heart my body will crumble at the shock of it. [continues]
07/19 Direct Link
my sweetness, how i long like no other to hear your voice again. soft, soothing. like silk caressing my eardrums with your sweet wisperings. how i long to feel your eyes gazing into mine. the anticipation fills me both with joy and apprehension, for not half of what used to live in this body remains. how i long to smell your skin, to feel your embrace, to press my cheek against yours, my breast against breasts, making love to you, letting you envelop me like a soft wine, cleansing at first, but then, increasingly, intoxicating, drowning. forever miserably yours. [ends]
07/20 Direct Link
these two old cowboys. here they stand. old bellied filled with whiskey. battered and smelly feet. stubby fingers curled gently around the trigger. and the passing towns-folk. there they are, shuffling along laughing, amused, careless.

"burt, lowryer gun burt"
"eh, whassat nonsense yer mumblin?"
"speekup man, yer mumblin aggin, you ol swine."
"EH? whassat?"

burt tries to clean his ears.

"keep yer gun poinned at me you miserble sack-a-shit. i won't be killin no unarmed man."
"look, ya sonofabitch. move a lil closer willya? yer tawkin pig tawk – don’t surprise me; you shure look like one pig-headed ol fool!!"

07/21 Direct Link
you ol ugly fool! sack a shit. rotten ptater. senile sack of moose shit. dastardly dickhead. mouse brain. pig dick. horse apple. bacon brain. slimy slug. dribblin ol monkey. pig headed shit-fer-brains. sissy. fly fart. shit face. chicken pox virus. pegleg. two eyes. buck toothed egg sucker. toilet brush. blind blackbearded bigfoot. disproportionate dodo. multi-purpose cling film (oooh!). medium rare maggot burger. weasel droppings. bouncy red baboon butt. dirty ol mangy dawg. big bent frail ol mule. sneaky eel. wrinkly ol waste-a-words. beef jerky. salted skin of a stinkin sturgeon. fish face. lesser spotted cow pie! leathery ol crocodile! [ends]
07/22 Direct Link
mr. muscle. loves the jobs you hate. kleenex. softest ever! honey-nut shredded wheat. may help to keep your heart healthy. kelloggs rice crispies. when hunger hits, milk it! kelloggs corn flakes. wake up to the sunshine breakfast. orange. the future is bright, the future is orange. cartoon network. the best place for cartoons. adobe. everywhere you look. guinness. good things come to those who wait. nokia. connecting people. dockers. if you’re not wearing dockers you’re just wearing pants. maxwell house. good to the last drop. phillips. lets make things better. nike. just do it. marlborough. come to marlborough country. [ends]
07/23 Direct Link
i've made honey according to the traditional ways of argentinian bumblebees. swum the seven seas. gone from rags to riches, and back again. i've survived blood-sucking insects, giant tornados and legendary baseball games all without blinking once or dirtying my new pump-action, ultra cool, white and orange sneakers. i’ve dyed my hair just by thinking about it, have survived my childhood, and once i escaped the force of gravity, and found a way to communicate intelligently with slugs. very interesting creatures, slugs. i've held long, deep and meaningful conversations with automated answering services. and i've made the perfect pancake! [ends]
07/24 Direct Link
i'm worried that i'm not able to have children. not that i've tried, neccessarily. but i feel something's not quite right. when i was younger i figured being an older brother is unique in that you get all the best bits of parenthood from your younger siblings. i spoiled them rotten and we had heaps of fun. 3am mad snack shopping. movies. cooking weird food with loud music. i wonder if they appreciated all these things. they seem to have taken it all for granted. i should go to the hospital to have things checked out. i'm really scared. [ends]
07/25 Direct Link
i think i am turning into an obsessive compulsive cleaner. not the profession; the personality disorder. just moved into a new flat and there’s this overawhelming desire to clean clean clean! wipe wipe wipe! spray spray spray! i find myself obsessively going over the same spots again and again. the invading smell of mr. muscle everywhere, present even with all windows open. kitchen surfaces shine brilliantly, bathroom metal gleams with glory. dishes bask in their delighful cleanliness. this whole situation fills me both with disgust and delight. spick and span my dad used to say. father, i salute you. [ends]
07/26 Direct Link
more on obsessive behaviour. have you ever caught yourself making perfect little stacks out of someone elses books? in a store even? have you ever immaculately cleaned the bottom of a shelf? or undressed without thought, only to realize your clothes have all landed at equal distances from each other? had a small pain on the left side of your body, then purposely hurt yourself in the same place on the right, just to even things out? have you ever re-written a to-do-list to yourself four times because the bullet points weren't perfectly alligned with eachother? sick sick sick!! [ends]
07/27 Direct Link
i love drawing arrows and using them as bullet points. colouring in the little arrow-heads. i also love saying the words strawberry and raspberry in a particularly british accent. i like to write very small letters just for kicks. and startling strangers by being unusually forward, silly, or polite. i enjoy cuddling our cats at home with my face (don't tell anyone ok?!). i love breasts - thank the lord for breasts. and totally get off on the way the blue display of my mobile-phone fades out ever so slowly ten seconds after i turn it off. SO SEXY!! [continues]
07/28 Direct Link
it makes me happy leave a little bit of food rather than eating all of it. i am mad-raving-crazy about bread. proper fresh bread. i love whispering. and silence... total absolute silence. or not wearing any shoes. and also childrens stories. and safeways bramberry and apple pie with cream. (i'm having one right now!! yummy!!!). all wonderful things! i've come to adore pixels as a design concept, there is something so delightful about them. i have a secret love for sleeping on public transport. as long as i can lean my head there isn't a place better for naps. [ends]
07/29 Direct Link
silly words of encouragement to myself: i wont submit! i wont give up! i wont fail! and if i fail, i’ll get back up again! there is no can't! i won't hold back! there is no stop! i won't submit! i will fight everyone! i will learn everything! i will run and laugh and people will look and gape as i pass by! faster and brighter than sunlight. can anyone like me really exist? unequalled. yet human. in the end all will be as i want. losses consolidated. injuries healed. friends kept. goals reached. success assured. it IS possible. [ends]
07/30 Direct Link
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07/31 Direct Link
hey you... thanks for sending all those bloody gnomes over to bother me. little buggers walked all over my front-yard and ruined the tulips section. it took me ages to grow those. then the bastards spay painted obscene messages and pictures of a (shall we say) scantily-clad lady on my garage door, which in itself is fine, but not on the garage door! and if that wasn't bad enough, they cut my hair an put tooth-paste on my hand as i was sleeping. now i look like david beckham and i have toothpaste all over my face! hi har. [ends]