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08/01 Direct Link
My Behold shoes came today. Among all of my eccentric custom-made clothing ensembles ( shirt, socks, tie, shoes)-- the ones that make me the happiest are the ones where the shoes or the whole ensemble have a built in pun where I don't even have to put any effort in for the joke. That is why one of the seminal outfits is my ALL detergent one ( many of them are on detergent brand logos) --- This is ALL I am wearing. This outfit is ALL that. When you have seen this outfit you have seen it ALL. There's more to come..
08/02 Direct Link
The Behold shoes are going to be part of an ensemble where the focus is furniture. There is going to be a shirt that features a very nice table that looks like it was set at a vampire's house of course. ANd then two diffeent pairs of socks.. one yellow and one red.. one with the logo of old english yellow oil.. one with old english red oil. Then the tie will have various pictures of furniture polishes on them.-- Endust, Pledge, Klean N Shine, etc. And then indeed. the shoes are Behold.. so I can say BEHOLD, MY SHOES !!
08/03 Direct Link
There are definitely many more puns to be made from the ALl out fit. This is indeed ALL I am wearing today. Look at my outfit here, take it ALL in. I got ALL of this made especially for me. ( Which is actually not true. one of the 3 different versions of the ALL shirt i found at a specialty T Shirt place on line where I have indeed found Gain and Downy and Tide and few other shirts already for sale. ALL I ever wanted to was to have odd custom outfits from detergents, and now I do !! YAY !!
08/04 Direct Link
The heat index currently in Austin, Texas at 5:21 PM is 117. That is just wrong. The already dreadful weather in south central Texas has indeed become more and more and more dreadful int he past few years. Climate change is a myth my ass. She screamed " You cannot take my child away from me!!" He laughed " YOUR child. YOUR child? " She replied " Well, OK OUR child." He laughed even more .. " That is even more laughable, which is why I am laughing so much as you look progressively more horrified. Look, you and I both know that this child..
08/05 Direct Link
You and I BOTH know where that child really came from, and now you are going to argue with me like we are some regular people on some sort of lame and lowest-common-denominator child custody reality show?? Please.? She screamed back, "It was YOUR idea to never ever speak of our child's true nature !! YOUR idea !!" He had to admit she was indeed correct. But none of that was the point now.. he no longer trusted her to take care of their very, very special baby. She was far too unstable and another horrible thing he had discovered....
08/06 Direct Link
.. was that she herself.. she indeed.. WAS THE ONE WHO HAD STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR!!! It was the final orange-cranberry-oatmeal. These cookies were NOT cheap. They were artisinal cookies from Whole Foods so they were like fucking $8.70 each !! And when they had discovered the cookie theft.. she had completely played it off and wasted both the FBI and the CIA's time in the investigaton to bring the cookie thief to justice. They had cornered a famed bakery products thief who eventually went insane and mute and now he was in a state hospital...
08/07 Direct Link
If she was going to be guilty of such skullduggery and deceit about the cookie theft.. how could he trust her to raise their baby? And to keep the secret of their baby's true origins??? He screamed back " SHUT UP you bitch !! YOU FUCKING BITCH !! You knew this was coming when we all found out the truth about the missing cookie !!.. I told you I wouldn't turn you back into the authorities -- and let that poor dude just rot in the funny farm with everyone thinking he stole it -- but you are going to have to give me the baby !!"
08/08 Direct Link
She had asked him for some doughnuts. He told her that was always going to be a deal breaker. He then filed for divorce, no questions asked. There was to be no sharing of donuts. She did all of this just to get out of the hastily arranged marriage, she really didn't want his donuts but she knew he would banish her forever if she asked for some of the donuts. So they both got what they wanted-- she got her freedom and he still maintained possession of all of the donuts. They were jelly, jelly glazed, powdered, and custard.
08/09 Direct Link
I have promised myself.. indeed taken a solemn vow no Favor food until September the 9th at earliest. Many days it does not faze me at all to not order anytrhing and I am quite satisfied eating only groceries and food I have cooked. But other days I want to order food with the intensity of a thousdand suns. ( The intenisty of my desire and ache for the food that is.. not the intensity of the food itself!) I want Dairy Queen. I Want artisianl sandwiches. I want BBQ. I espeecially want pizza and hamburgers and fries and shakes!!! Sigh.
08/10 Direct Link
The champion spark plugs outfit as well as green stamps will be for the future. Green was a bit of an issue but now I have a fancy light green linen jacket for the green outfits ( Comet, Oxydol, Gain when not wearing the money jacket .. etc. ) and a green velvet one for colder temperatures. We don't have many of those in Texas. We don't have ANY opprotunities to wear much of anything of note while we are stil here in lockdown quarantine as we speak. I have lots of dreams of going places.. I hope to this time next year !
08/11 Direct Link
What is yiur name? What? What is your name? Tony !! Well Fuck you, Tony !! What's your name? Ezekiel ? Well fuck you Ezekiel !! Well Fuck you Tony !! Fuck you Ezekiel !! Fuck you Tony !! This Tik Tok video of these doggos allegedly sayting this to each other -- first time I watched it I didn't think it was that funny. Then the next time I watched I couldn't stop laughing for like , A day ! I have really thought about getting a dog these days of quarantine but I know when real life ever restarts I don't have time to properly care for it.
08/12 Direct Link
She tried to make orange julius with bananas. It would have been relatively successful if she could go back in time to the Orange Julius in Jefferson Mall in 1982. Then she could also get a St. Louis Bacon hot dog.. that was always her favorite. But she no longer knew the password for the time travel -- and would an innocent trip back to a mall cause a bad butterfly effect and have some sort of armageddon trigger because of her jaunt for drinks and eats? She would ask Vince .. he was nicer to her than her other boss. Hmmm...
08/13 Direct Link
She wondered if she should tell Vince that she had planned to try to go back in time for the Banana Julius recipe from Karly ( she remembered that girl's name tag ) at Orange Julius in Jefferson Mall -- she reiterated that Vince was nicer to her than all of her other bosses had been-- but he probably wouldn't appreciate her wanting to make a jaunt threw time. She had now idea if time would still continue in her current present, or if it would pass while she was gone to 1982-- and if it kept passing she'd definitely miss a shift..
08/14 Direct Link
Vince wondered why Tessa kept consulting those books about singulairty and quantum mechanics during her breaks. She had never struck him before as someone all that interested in Theoretical Physics. But I bet she liked to watch The Big Bang Theory, with the fellows who were doing research in thay, She probably had a lot of fantasies about having a threesome with both Leonard and Sheldon. Would those encounters involve time travel and/or string theory? How could he apporoach her and ask her? These were very touchy subjects ( pun intended) for a boss to chat with an employee about.
08/15 Direct Link
Vince so much wanted to tell Tessa that Haga the witch, who herself lived in an abandoned mall's Oange Juliys where she casted spells with old left over straws, cups, and pieces of hot dog bun wrappers, could perhaps help her with whatever her quantum physics issue is. Tessa was also stressing about if she indeed made the time travel switch to get the banana julius recipe-- what shoes should she wear? Is there a specificaly appropriate shoe for tinme travel? Is it perhaps a Nike since the swish of the Nike sort of reminded one of Mercury/Hermes? Hmm..
08/16 Direct Link
Tessa decided she was indeed going to tell her boss, Vince about her attempted time travel plans. She had no choice. It was going to be devastating if Tessa could not get the Banana Julius recipe from 1982, but it was goiing to be even more devastating if she lost her job. She so did not want to go back to working at Petco. If people thought humans were terrible Karens that would drive people in the service industry insane with their rudely declared demands, you ain't seen nothin' yet until you have dealt with huffy animals asking for things !!
08/17 Direct Link
Tessa remembered this terrible and uppity bloodhound named Homer. Once they didn't have his special brand of that blue-something artisianal dog food in stock because of delayed delivery. He had a huge tantrum, and barked at me to the level of 100 decibels, more than that of a plane and demanded to speak to the manager. The mananger tried to tell Homer that Homer could even have a 20% off coupon for his inconvenience but it was to no avail. Homer barked and barked and barked causing all the other dogs in the store to bark and bark...Pandemonium !!!
08/18 Direct Link
The noise that day was so intense it started to cause the foundation of the entire strip mall to slightly crack. Godzilla couldn't have done that much more damage than all of those screaming and barking dogs did! But Tessa had an idea-- she knew you couldn not turn a hose on so many dogs in so many aisles at once, but she took her cigaratte lighter out of her purse and ran and set some puppy pee pee pads on fire! This of course caused the sprinklers to come on which caused more pandemonium until the dogs trying to ...
08/19 Direct Link
.... bite all the water and their ownwers to flee the establishment! Tessa had saved the day ! She got a commendation and three free fish and 4 hamsters and 2 guinea pigs as a reward for her efforts and ingenuity but the whole thing was so traumatic for her. Also they had to close to the store for a year to repair the damage that all the noise pollution had caused. The whole thing was just not an experience she wanted to relive aT ALL. She thought she saw Homer the other day about to visit a Mcdonald's and she shuddered...
08/20 Direct Link
Vince finally decided he would tell Tessa about Haga the witch -- and mention to her that he had seen her reading the Theoretical Physics books. He decided to start walking into the break room but he stopped first and started eavesdropping like people do on soap operas. Tessa was tell her friend Fifi (... who was secretly a plant, Fifi was a spy for cannines, she had planned to destroy Tessa as the canine world blamed her for the horrors at Petco that day, she had ironically gone to Haga the witch herself to become transformed into a fast food worker...)
08/21 Direct Link
Oh Fifi, I need to go back in time -- I don't know WHAT I am going to do if I do not get the 1982 Julius recipe ! Fifi had an idea, she wanted to pretend to help Tessa go back in time to get the recipe, but really she wanted to get Tessa stuck in time so she would be totallyt locked into 1982 with no way to get out. Fifi, bitch that she was, laughed to herself how Tessa would freak out and panic to never be in present time again ! And Fifi would pick up all her shifts !
08/22 Direct Link
Fifi called Haga and said she was bringing her someone who needed a spell. A time traveling spell. Like the witches in the Apocalpyse season of American Horror Story used. Haga told Fifi that was very very expensive, Fifi said money was no object, she had stolen six million dollars from her previous owner before she transformed into a person. So she took the Tessa to the abandoned mall to initiate the spell. Haga began to intone " Lucky for you/ you have the right shoe/now go back.. to 1982 !!" -- Fifi purposely was swept up in the chrono-change too!!
08/23 Direct Link
Vince ran in horror to the mail to try to stop Haga and Tessa and Fifi, because something never seemed quite right about Fifi, and it had finally hit him, she had had something not right behind her eyes-- then when Fifi stole three boxes of Reese's sent from Costco ( even though she was give them to her neighbors since chocolate really made the Fifi person sick like the Fifi canine) -- he knew it!! Fifi was possessed by the evil PukaPukeFace!! PukaPukeFace was Vince's daughter who had been replaced by a clone through some ordeals with an alligator last month.
08/24 Direct Link
As the chrono-meter stopped.. Fifi ( really possessed by a dog who was possessed by the real PukaPukeFace as the happy, Reese's -sharing clone lioved with Vince and his huge family of 17 children by 31 different people) and Tessa realized to their horror that they were not in 1982-- they were in 1972 !!!! AT the Olympics-- as they realized this the terrorists from that year began shooting.. Fifi fell to the ground bleeding screaming " I will get you my pretty:" -- Tessa stopped everything. Wait, wait just a sec. That is what an evil witch says to the dog .. not...
08/25 Direct Link
.. what a dog says to anyone !! This is all wrong. I am leaving. I AM HERE in Germany, at the pole vaulting. I don't know how to pole vault, I do not speak German, I don't know how to rescue the athletes that were just shot with Fifi, this is all wholly wrong. I am leaving. I am just leaving. But the voice said " No, Tessa, you cannot leave, it will ruin everything!!" Tessa said " Who the fuck are you voice??" " I am the voice that also does Veternarian's Hospital on The Muppet Show!!". Tessa still walked off in disgust!
08/26 Direct Link
Tessa was walking the streets of the 1972 Olympic Village in Munich. She was really thinking this was all so horrid, the person she thought was her friend and got her into this mess was a possessed were-poodle, and she was stuck in in Europe 48 years ago. She realized she had totally screwed up. Maybe it would have just been easier to google the recipe for Julius instead of trying to go back in time to get it from a 1982 source like Karly from Orange Julius. What is she going to do? How will she get home?
08/27 Direct Link
TESSA!! TESSA !!! Wake Up !! Tessa had fallen asleep with her head in her hands in the break room at McDonald's !! She was really freaking out!! I just had the most freaky-ass dream -- there was a possessed poodle, and a terror at Petco and time travel, and.. and.. Tessa, Shirley said, I told you to stop drinking that Coke syrup right when it comes in out of the bottle -- it's a dangerous hallucinogen !! You're useless anyway-- Vince said I could cut you because we were slow -- you can go home. Your ride is waiting. Says he's someone named Bobby Ewing.
08/28 Direct Link
Vince had heard Tessa screaming in her sleep. Seriously, who drinks coke syrup and has tripped out hallucinogenic dreams on a break room nap? Who does that? Why do I hire these people? This place is just too wack. All the stuff with my daughter and the clone and the alligator last month and now, I secretly felt Tessa's dream in a mind meld. But it was lunacy. It was all a dream wasn't it? This couldn't be a fucking McDonald's meets Inception? Well there were a few ways to find out, so Vince set off to the old mall.
08/29 Direct Link
August is ending, I told Barefoot Saul before his trip to Jupiter's only penthouse in a attempt to take a lock of Lilith's hair there. But THIS universe's Jupiter-- not the other one. Saul is a good pal, I don't want him to go to the other Jupiter in that other universe where Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt now lives with Pitiful Pudgy Pokey Puke-inducing Paul as they teach at Alternate Red Spot Conservatory. I wondered if Barefoot Saul was offended that we only seemed to chat whenb I was on Nyquil. I hope he wasn't. He's good people.
08/30 Direct Link
Tessa and Gina both had no idea why Lilith invited them here. They both got secret boxes on their doorsteps with the mysterious invitiations. They weren't really sure they should follow the instructions but they decided as long as they had their phones with them they would be safe and they could report for help should anything askew arise. What they didn't know is that all of this anticipation and build up was for some very sad coupons. Lilith had to give away 500 coupons to people for the Dollar Tree or she would be sent back to alternate Jupiter.
08/31 Direct Link
Tessa and Gina were super, super pissed off at the anticlimax. They got Dollar Tree coupons. How incredibly lame was THAT? I mean, everything there is already just a dollar. Why in the world would you need coupons for there? I mean like, if it was a fancy huge coupon of buy 50 things there get 50 free, then maybe. But this was just a totally lame 10 cents off 3 things. So three things were now $2.70 instead of $3. Big honkin' whoop. Tessa was especially pissed off, she passed up an ausition for Love island for this !!