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04/01 Direct Link
You better shelter in place, or I am going to kick you in the face! Stay home you psychotic Trump-Worshipping deplorable idiots. I actually would love of all of you would go out and rub Corona virus all over each others' sickening loins and bodies-- but I am afraid your refusing to practice social distancing will get a whole ton of other innocent people sick and possibly kill them. Maybe we could make concentration camps of people who refuse to follow orders to shelter in place, and you could all just kill each other. I would honestly love that!!
04/02 Direct Link
Not going to school/not going to class-- gonna put a biscuit in my ass !! It's such a glorious sensation-- you 'll never know-- until you feel your anus -- all filled with dough !! Gonna put a biscuit in my ass !! Put an uncooked biscuit in my ass !! Don't neeed any wipes, or any TP-- shove some Grands in your rectum-- you will feel so wild and free !! Gonna put a biscuit in my ass-- put an uncooked biscuit in your ass !! Don't ask your husband, don't ask your wife-- give the Pillsbury DOughboy .. the thrill of his life !! OH YEAH !!
04/03 Direct Link
Today we have the joyous children's story of Jessica the Jackass and Pudgy Puke-face Pitiful Paul. Jessica the Jackass started menopause making her an irrational cunt and she had no idea everyone already thought she was insane. Pudgy Puke-face Pitiful Paul was married for 47 years to a schizophrenic wack-job because he was indeed so pitiful annd spineless and scrotumless. The stupid cunt jackhass and pitiful pudgy pissant decided to give each other the gift of their disgustingness last Christmas leaving a direly ill vampire to die once again. But he arose and planned to torture them.
04/04 Direct Link
The vampire stole all of their toilet paper during the quarantine and they walked arouncd all feces covered and smelled even more disgusting than they already did on a a regular basis. They were happy for the quarantine thought so they could be locked in a squalid tenement with their eight horrible children that everyone hated and wished would get Corono. People called the police often on Jessica Jackass and Pitiful Paul's tenmeent full of disease and lies and horror and betrayal. But the vampire knew the mayor and secretly always got them free so he could torture them more.
04/05 Direct Link
When Jessica the Jerkface Jackass and Pudgy Pitiful Paul were out moseying around one evening instead of observing social distancing -- because they are idiots who should die -- they came upon a cabaret. Only the undead were supposed to come in this cabaret because of the quarantine and the owners didn't want to be sued by stupid-ass mortals who might get ill. Still Jessica Jackass decided to stay and listen to a tune. She didn't pay attention to the song that the vampire behind black glass was singing :: Jessica.. you are such a cuntface.. Jessica please move to outer space..
04/06 Direct Link
The song about Jessica The Jerkface Jackass continued.. Jessica-- so stupid and so cold.. you should really dye your hair again.. you look 1000 years old... Jessica you are such a liar and so vile-- I wish you'd jump off a tower, high as a mile !! you are so digusting and gross .. of all the horrible people in the world.. it's now you I hate the most.. Jessica leave the world please.. go to space north or south-- if you can take the time .. to get Pitiful Pudgy Paul's dick out of your mouth. Jessica .. you are such a cunt..
04/07 Direct Link
Neither Jessica The Jerkface Jackass or Pitiful Pudgy Paul paid any attention and they had to no clue the song was about her. They were thinking that they had reservations to the undead cocktail bar but of course as usual Jessica Jackass got the time wrong AND she was late as always as usual because of her horrible seven children.. who were secrely born from underground creatures and shoved in her tunnel-sized vagina that way -- they actually really weren't from her fat stupid ex-husband. She has a thing for fat stupid people. That's why she was such a ...
04/08 Direct Link
.. cunt to the poor ill vampire-- she hated that he was losing so much weight . because she was Jessica the Jerkface Jackass and The World's Biggest LYing Cunt-- she was going after this title literally because pushing out all those huge, gigantic, half monster children had rendered her vile and foul nether-reigons into the circumference of a bourbon barrel. The Vampire was going to put an ad on craigslist that she was going to actually start renting out her vaignal area for people to park their ATVs and four-wheeler's-in-- it might help bring in some extra money.
04/09 Direct Link
Eventually Jessica The Jerkface Jackasass Cunt and Pudgy Pitiful Pukeface Paul decided to go dancing -- even though this completely defied all the social distancing measures. They went to the Do Drop Inn and did every dance their horrible selves could think of. They did the waltz, the lambada ( the forbidden dance) , the gangam style, the macarenna, the box step, the foxtrot, the fandango, the minuet, the gavotte, the scottische, the mashed potato, the twist, the tango,the merengue, the boogaloo, many hip hop and breakdancing moves, a pas de deux.. and god knows what else. They appalled everyone in sight.
04/10 Direct Link
Needless to say, the few people who were also dancing were appalled beyond measure. The stupid doofus and the menopausal white-haired 1000-year old looking cunt-- they both stiil smelled like feces, regardless of how impressive they thought their performing of a zillion dances were. The vampire was very pissed off as well that they didn't pay attention to his song about what a cunt she was. He decided next to sing the song about bitches. Bitches.. BI---TCHES... no no.. nothing but bitches.. so many bitches.. white-haired menopausal bitches and their horrible crazy children... bitches.. BII--TCHES
04/11 Direct Link
The vampire ran away from the cabaret where Jessica the Jerkface Jackass cunt was and Pudgy Pathetic Paul were doing their feces-tainted dances. He really had to go check on Nappy. Nappy had started a new job at HEB has a first responder grocery person-- but was narcoleptic so the vampire was worried that Nappy would LITERALLY sleep/fall down on the job. Thankfully Nappy had gotten some wonderful new coffee from a time machine-- it was some Chase and Sanborn in a vivid blue and red tin can from the 1960's. It was helping Nappy stay awake, yay !!!
04/12 Direct Link
The sometimes friends came to visit the vampire. That was good--- they got his mind of Jessica The Jerkface Jacksass cunt even though they were just indeed the sometimes friends. He was pleased they decided to wear masks not like Craig Lancaster's stupid Kansas freind. I hope he gets corona, along with most of Kansas. It's a terrible, terrible place. Well, maybe save Wichita. There is actually some cool stuff going on, especially in the arts in Wichita. The vampire loves to sing the old Glen Campbell song Manhattan, Kansas. I wonder what will happen next, do you all know?
04/13 Direct Link
Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt was late as usual to the 42 ceremony. Even though mandated right there in the rules of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy if you were late you would NOT learn the secret of 42 OR 43.. and you would not get the goodie bag of swag. She didn't care about that of course because most of what was in the swag bag were differing brands of Tampons from all over the world-- it truly was a bag of feminine hygiene from 208 countries. But she was a menopausal cunt so she didn't care. Bitch.
04/14 Direct Link
She was such a cunt that she thought she could get away with being late for the 3,182,892,126th time since her horrific children were born. They were all possessed by Santeria demons who often killed their classmates and threw desks and even murdered some of the cousins and house servants of the sometimes freinds. Therefore the sometimes friends were very very saddned, yet pleased to hear that the vampire now hated her as much as they did. She was such a revolting cunt and she looked 221 years old with her white witch hair. Such a bitch.
04/15 Direct Link
The sometimes freinds were so happy to help set up the readings for all the people who were going to give public hearings of the poems written about how much everyone hated Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt and Paul The Pitiful Pudgy Porkface Pissant Poser. These were going to be held an an establishment owned by a family called The Screaming Tortillas. They were super hard to work for because even in a business setting they would go to the store and buy a lot of tortillas and put them on their faces, cut a whole where the mouth goes..
04/16 Direct Link
.. and then just start screaming wildly at people. It was very, very disconcerting. But they had won the lottery in the past so they paid people a fortune for poetry readings. Most poetry readings are lucky to have their participants get to split a collection/tip jar.. but the vociferous members of The Screaming Tortillas paid the poets FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS a night for their readings!! $5,000!!!! It was unheardof. But they were always screaming through the flat corn and wheat breads. So everyone was looking forward to the event very much -- there was money to be made! YAY !!
04/17 Direct Link
Indeed, everyone was dying to get their poems read at The Screaming Tortillas' place-- because of the huge payment. Though this was enjoyable and profitable, the vampire was more concerned about a different set of words.. a incantation.. a spell if you well... he heard about the most magical spell you could think of. It was a spell that made people who had cheated on someone, become concentrated cannibals. Concentated in the sense it turned you into the spirit of Saturn-- the one in the Goya painting. Thats right it made you eat your children !! Oh what a glorious idea..
04/18 Direct Link
What a wonderful thing -- Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt and Paul The Pudgy Pathetic Pissant Piece of Pale Pitiful Feces being forced to eat all of their horrible nine children. They could all get corona first and then die that way-- then Paul and Jessica could eat them and also get corona-- and the world would be rid of ALL of them!! But this sounded very involved and such to the vampire -- and people would end up feeling sorry for them even as they were eating theie horrible, horrible children. The vampire wondered what else the witch had spell-wise..
04/19 Direct Link
The vampire still pondered how expensive the turn-two-people into cannibals spell was. Magick is definitely not cheap. If he did indeed purchase that spell and its activation for Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt and Pitiful Pissant Pukeface Pudgy Paul to take themselves off of this plane by consuming each other and their 11 horrible children -- then he would perhaps be short of money for the next order of custom made shoes. This was a connundrum indeed. One of the vampire's friends was now driving of all things, a bloodmobile. Maybe he would check into that for extra cash.
04/20 Direct Link
A new witch came to visit the vampire, with a very intriguing offer-- she had a much cheaper spell than the other witch-- it would send Jessica the Jerfkace Jackass Cunt and Pitful Pukeface Pudgy Pissant Paul and all of their combined 14 horrible children to another dimension. They would continue their terrible teacher lives-- but they would disappear. The vampire was intrigued but needed to know more -- would people investigate their disappearance and would everyone be on the news? No the witch said, it would indeed almost be like they never existed. The vampire pondered this idea -- Let's see...
04/21 Direct Link
But the vampire actually didn't have to make ANY of these decisions !! Jessica the Cunt and Pukeface Paul were awarded positions in a University in Siberia -- and they were taking their 16 horrible children with them !! Oh !! WHAT RATROUS REASON FOR REJOICING !!! It was going to be so glorious knowing they were all freezing to death away from everyone and knowing maybe they will even get close to Chernobyl when they go on Ukraine tours for UIL and for doing clincis for All-Region and All-County and All-State. They will be so far away forever !! We hate them !!
04/22 Direct Link
The vampire was still so preoccupied with how to legally ( ???) get rid of Jessica and Paul and their 17 horrible children. They were scourges on humanity and he hated them more than he even hated Donald Trump. But then a telegram came ( he was unaware anyone sent telegrams anymore?) that he was being asked to go on a tour to sing his huge hit song that had made him many, many hundreds of thousands of dollars-- a song about a very famous brand of detergent and a very obscure brand of deodorant. It was a happy song about people realizing..
04/23 Direct Link
.. that their friendly neighborhood local vampire was NOT outside their home waiting to be invited in so he could suck their blood and do away with them-- instead this vampire in the song was actually giving out free samples of these aforementioned products. The tune was called " There's a Vampire Outside and he's got free Tussy and Tide"-- a wonderfully catchy little ditty. The point was indeed to be away from Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt and Pudgy Pitiful Pukeface Paul-- so maybe a tour was just what the doctor ordered ! The tour was indeed in another dimension since in..
04/24 Direct Link
.. the current dimension , everyone still on quarantine lockdown. But his song had indeed also been a very huge hit in the dimension where Agnes was the booking agent. Dimension 5. He decided to stop worrying about all this for the time being and go to Taco Bell. He was very happy to get both the five AND seven layer burritos. He also saw some vampire pals there. Barnabas Collins AND Janos Janos Skorzeny were also getting some tacos, burritos and emnchurritos !! They were very happy to see him and asked him if he had been to any vampire conventions lately!
04/25 Direct Link
The vampire had said no, and he was very sad that he had not been to any vampire conventions lately-- he told Janos and Barnabas that he had been far too preoccupied with the vengeful feelings cause by Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt and how much she had destroyed his life and heart cheationg on him and leaving him for stupid Paunchy Pukeface Paul. Janos also said he'd been a bit depressed since his native Las Vegas was still mostly closed up and he really wanted to go play Baccarat at Mandalay Bay-- where he had previously won a tournament.
04/26 Direct Link
The vampire had visited Janos a number of times on Vegas jaunts and they had had wonderful fun adventures. Count Von Count had wanted to join them too, they had been chatting with him in a Facebook Group for vampires. But Janos was worried that OF COURSE Count Von Count would be caught COUNTING cards at a blackjack table and then he would announce it loudly and he would get flat-played and THEN he would be banned. Then he would want to count all the casinos he had been banned from. Better to have The Count only play Slots.
04/27 Direct Link
Barnabas has joined in, after hed had asked the counter for some more packets of gren sauce, saying it had been snowing in Maine but he was looking forward to some more visits for people from Parallel Time. The Vampire ( who is now to be referred to as SMMV) wondered if perhaps the Parallel Time room at Collinwood lead to any of the other dimensions where his song was a hit and where he hoped to banish Jessica The Jerkface Cunt and Pukeface Paul to. The vampires all wished each other well and left with their fast-food Mexican goodies.
04/28 Direct Link
SMMV Vampire started eating his nachos and really was hoping for a way to banish Jessica The Jerkface Jackass Cunt and Pudgy Portly Pukeface Paul and their 19 children to somewhere else besides dimension 5. They were good nachos just to be the cheap 2.99 ones from Taco Bell. He was also very glad to have seen some of his vampire friends-- Barnabas and Janos. He wondered how other vampire friends were doing -- Stefan, Damon, Nando, Lazlo, Nosferatu, Lestat and crew. He really needed to have another trip to New Orleans to visit the latter and his growing posse.
04/29 Direct Link
Since the pandemic has indefinitely halted my continuing months-long saga for a new dishwasher -- I have to wash dishes by hand which I loathe and ALWAYS HAVE--- today was even worse as I washed this TON of utensils and measuring cups and such -- and since my too-tweaked-and-added 3rd attempt ( after 2 successes ) at banana bread was an egregious disaster -- I didn't even have some yummy result from all those dishes being used--- all I had was an oven that needed brillo to scrub off the pieces of Banana bread failure detrius, and sadness. Try again soon !!!
04/30 Direct Link
What will May bring? Will I continue my ridiculous saga here of stream-of-consciousness adventurs of the SMMV vamopire? Will I write some poems? How about like yesterday some more transfers from my pletora of slice-of-life Facebook posts? Who knows? Does the shadow? What about The Oracle of Delphi? Perhaps we can go back a little bit in TV commercial time and ask The Shell Answer Man-- let's see if HE knows. Reagrdless of whio knows.. one thing will be sure.. and that is the brand of deodorant from the 1970s and 1980s !@! Raise Your Hand!! YEAH!!!