09/01 Direct Link
Well what's so creepy about them? Well haven't you noticed.. ALL he does is chop wood. There are piles and piles of it all over the place !! I still don't understand what is so creepy about that? THEY DON't Have a Fireplace !! Oh, I see what you are saying now. Well maybe he sells it? Gives it to people? Takes instagram pictures of it for the " people who chop would for the hell of it hashtag?" The secret creature breathed inside the woodpile-- heavy and somber. New wood was necessary soon, or the creature would tell the truth about Tammy.
09/02 Direct Link
Every other Sunday in childhood was the balance of the sweetness and the horror. Would I have to go to the horror church with a disease-riddled outhouse full of psychotic hillbillies--- or would I get the sweetness of Sunday Morning TV--- Look Up And Live & Lamp Unto My Feet -- maybe Day of Discovery ( A religious high notes for Jesus show when you could watch such before you had to assume they are Trump worshipping Nazis ) -- reruns of Star Trek followed by High Q-- which was our county's High school version of College Bowl ( Which I was on in 1981!)
09/03 Direct Link
I have now tended to start boiling water on the stove much more often. There is an issue when you boil water in the microwave-- you have to set it so high and ramp up the heat so very very fast that the water actually boils off to a great extent before you even get to use it !! Then you have to at least partially start over and all of this kind of defeats the purpose. I am trying to keep up with drinking vanilla tea as it is supposed to improve my health. I certainly hope it does so.
09/04 Direct Link
Why so much hate on Pumpkin Spice? It's homey and yummy and I am a middle aged straight man.. not a millenial female or gay guy WOW, the buffer here doesn't recognize the word millenial. Update much? HA! I Also love pineapple on pizza and I love mayonnaise. I am NOT however interested in this horrifying mix of mayonnaise and ketchup already in one bottle that Heinz seems to be releasing soon. No, Definite noping out of that one. I do also however detest rum raisin ice cream and raisins definitely do NOT belong in Potato salad. So there. HA!
09/05 Direct Link
I am soon going to sort the laundry and do some loads of shirts and such. I have written about this in the past methinks, but I really don't mind laundry in terms of the list of household chores. I hate taking out and dealing with garbage so so so SO much more personally. I don't really mind ironing either. I am not super crazy about folding things but that's OK-- the putting things away is much more annoying than the actual folding. There was a machine on my facebook feed today that folds clothes for you into a pile.
09/06 Direct Link
I only gave you one star, weird middle eastern shopping lady. But I balanced this out and thus hopefully improved my karma by giving you the largest tip I ever gave a shopper. A tip that even adds up to the magic number of 21 -- blackjack. So even though you kind of irritated the living shit out of me, you can go to Vegas, or Atlantic City, or Reno, Or Tahoe, or perhaps even just 4 hours down the road to Eagle Pass and you can get 21. Won't that be exciting? I hope you don't gripe at the dealer.
09/07 Direct Link
You know I appreciate people saying thank you for things and BEING thankful for things. But I really CANNOT fucking for the life of me understand why when someone gets added to a Television-issue group on Facebook some people feel the need to post a 3000 word essay of thanks as if they were just handed the e fucking Nobel Prize. I don't get this. It reminds me of a TV site I was very active in years ago where people would post " If anyone needs me I am not posting this weekend and you can email me" ::FACEPALM::
09/08 Direct Link
I hate deer. They are stinking and gross. I hated Bambi and I so didn't have the reaction that one was supposed to when I watched it for the first time when I was 3. All these people crying around me and I was like.. WTF?? Kill Bambi !! and her stupid Mom !! Kill her whole damn family before they stink up more of the woods than they already do !! Are any of my kin folk around with their bows and/or guns? Let's call them up and make sure we have deer roast and deer burgers and venison chili abounding !!
09/09 Direct Link
Take your baby by the tit--- throw her around until she has a fit!! Take your baby by the breast-- choose left or right whichever's best. Take your baby by the ass--- throw her in to philosophy class. Take your baby by the vagina-- throw her all the way to China. Take your baby by the aureola--throw her around to Angola. Take your Baby by the arm -- throw her around to Mcdonald's farm. Take your baby by the bra-- throw her from here to Panama. These are all to be sung a la the opening of Wang Chung Tonight.
09/10 Direct Link
You're a horrible person, such a horrible person-- you're a junkie and a thief -- and we wish you would die !! This is a song about Chris and his horrible meth cunt girlfriends. We are all hoping they stay in jail forever or at least away forever. They have blown every chance they were given to fix their lives and they are nothing but complete and total garbage. Just like Chris' junkie piece of shit mother that blew up in the trailer. He couldn't tell the truth if a gun was held to his head. I hope he dies in prison.
09/11 Direct Link
Jenny is holding up everything that's going on with because of her terrible time management with her breast pumping. Jenny's lactation is going to cause the entire team just to lose their shit. We are going to nip this entire problem in the bud-- by hypnotizing Jenny and her whole family that her Baby never even existed to begin with like the aliens did in that movie The Forgotten. At least they did to everyone but the mother, Julianne Moore-- so we are ironically going to do the exact opposite. Then we are taking the baby to a fire station.
09/12 Direct Link
You are well aware of all the horror she will cause aren't you? She will steal all the donuts and run away with them and then she will run about the county freaking out -- naked as the day she was born-- absconding with all of our donuts.. you realize if you marry her that's what she's going to do correctly? No, I promise that won't happen. She has been banned by the 2024 Krispy Kreme Treaty-- it was all on the news. There is no way that she is going to follow the rules of that treaty !! This is horrid.
09/13 Direct Link
And then there is NOT just Maude--- you should see it all !! And then there's Claude ( the manager of CCWB) -- And then there's Sod ( bag of grass seeding 50 pounds of it !!) -- And then there's Todd !! ( Say Hello to the host of the early 2000s' game show Whammy - The New Press Your Luck !!) --- And then there's God !! ( a picture of the deity of your choice --- you can have the Christian God, or Budda, Or Jehovah , Or Zeus, Or Allah, it's all inclusive across all ecumenical boundaries-- we are definitely not going to discriminate!! And then there's Zod... ( Superman 2!! YAY!!)
09/14 Direct Link
Well you see, I unfriended you because I really didn't want to see any more pics of your ultrasound and I am usually nauseous at the idea of ANYONE having more children. But it's not my business to tell them that. I just really think we should all stop awhile. There's far too many children that need to be adopted.. and far too many disgusting, deranged, and dumbass people are breeding more little parasites into the world. So when you kept posting pics of your ultrasound, I was always trying to eat and I am sick of vomiting for you.
09/15 Direct Link
Gosh I bet you won't share this if you don't love a child like it was your own. Well you see that's not the fucking point-- you are indeed correct-- I detest most children-- let's face it --= my deeply misanthropic self hates most people period. They are all so horrid, and stupid, and idiotic, and conscienceless. So of course I would hate people under 18. I actually hate most people under 30. But see none of this matters.. there ARE many people including Kiddos I actually love very, very much but I am not post your passive-aggressive bullshit lady !!
09/16 Direct Link
I wonder if that was Tony? Grandma, why would that be Tony? Well that car looks just like his. No Grandma, Tony's car doesn't look a damn thing like that . I have told you that a million times. And why do you let my Mom continue to spell Niece and Heroes wrong? You know I think this is because your house has parts of the floor falling out and maybe needs to be condemned because it's making everyone deathly ill if they spend any amount of time in there. Shame on you Grandma! You are trying to kill us all !!!
09/17 Direct Link
The Vampire knew the horror was coming. He knew from the vibes in the air that soon Tammy ToiletFace would be haunting the environs. She comes around every October and she is a frightening creature. She has a toilet for a head and she hides in dark porta potties and if you indeed use her face for urination or defacation then she steals your soul-- and you have to also become one of the undead. And you wander around for eternity saying "Tammy Toiletface took my soul" and the rest of the undead laugh at you!! She must be stopped.
09/18 Direct Link
People may laugh about the legend of Tammy ToiletFace.. but this is not a laughing matter at ALL. What if you just politely peeing or pooing had accidentally given up your soul because of choosing the wrong porta potty? How would you like it if not you had to walk the earth for all eternity and having to tell people the truth why? I mean they are probably just going to mock you for going inside a porta potty ANYWAY-- I mean.. what are you? A construction worker? I mean couldn't you just hold it in until you got home??
09/19 Direct Link
The vampire was completely not in the mood to deal with whoever was unexpectedly banging on the door. I mean who in the world DID this anymore? People didn't just call upon people without texting or calling or or facebooking or SOMETHING first. This wasn't 15 years ago .. or 150 years ago !! Sheesh !! The vampire looked through the peephole and thought.. OH GREAT .. why are THEY here? Standing on his stoop were those terribly-named detectives from before -- who thought a great deal more of their abilities than their results would behoove. It was indeed, Booty and Banana Stevens. Lordy.
09/20 Direct Link
Booty and Banana were insisting to be let in: " Mr. Vampire !! Mr. Vampire !!.. Please we have got to talk to you .. we can help you with the current crisis !!" " Oh really??" " Yes !! We know how to tell people to guard themselves against Tammy ToiletFace !!" The vampire totally didn't expect this. He wasn't even sure that people outside his county that he ran even know about the legend of Tammy Toiletface or that she was about to be on the loose again. So he reluctantly opened the door and invited them in. Booty punned " Ha !! The vampire is inviting US in !!"...
09/21 Direct Link
The vampire groaned. Every damn person who he invited into his home made this joke. It was just like the joke that people make to everyone who is carry around a double bass. " Hey !! Don't you wish you played the piccolo?" The vampire remembered meeting a fellow vampire who WAS a famous bass player-- he had decided to feed on everyone who said this joke to his face. He was still playing in the Poughkeepsie Philharmonic 318 years after he first started taking lessons on Da Gambas. That's how many people make that horrible joke ALL the time. Very sad.
09/22 Direct Link
So, I wasn't expecting guests Booty and Banana, you will have to forgive me that I don't really have anything much to offer you in the way of refreshments. Maybe you'd like a peanut butter snickers? How about some Fritos? Maybe you would like some Pop Tarts-- I have three different flavors , Blueberry, Cherry, and AB negative. The latter are SUPER rare and expensive and I have to order them special. Well maybe you would like to have some cheese and crackers? Well I have sun chips too, they have much less calories and Vampires must watch their weight. Hmmm...
09/23 Direct Link
After Booty and Banana politely declined the extensive list of refreshments ( Booty did ponder, good Lord.. he thinks having ALL of that stuff.. isn't much? Well how much does he have when he thinks he is indeed fully stocked??) -- they said.. Mr. Vampire like we said .. we think we can help you in the coming battle with Tammy Toiletface. The vampire had asked why they even cared.. " Well you see, we have two cousins who were victims as well-- they indeed went to relieve themselves and had their souls stolen ! They are now living atp the old mall over there.
09/24 Direct Link
Booty and Bananas told Mr. Vampire-- we have the solution. LITERALLY. This all INVOLVES a solution to conquer the horror of Tammy Toiletface. The detectives told the Vampire that they must arm everyone in the county with containers of Scrubbing Bubble AND Sani-Flush. If they always pour these in into any porta potty receptacle they may use == then all the disinfecting agents will quell Tammy Toiletface's powers to take their soul through urination or defacation. So what do we do The Vampire replied-- We just tell everyone to come to the town hall to pick up free toilet cleaners?
09/25 Direct Link
The detectives balked at the vampire's balking. Look, when your friend wrote that ridiculous Musical about getting free alliterative deodorant and detergent called " The Vampire Outside Has Got Free Tussy and Tide" -- it totally worked to indeed hand out free Tussy and Tide to everyone in your home county of VampireVampLand-- why can't this work with toilet cleaners? Especially if we are all trying to vanquish a common enemy? The Vampire acquiesced -- he sent one of his colleagues to Amazon to order 2,361,082 units of Scrubbing Bubbles and Sani Flush so they may arm everyone in the county.
09/26 Direct Link
It would be 4 days for the millions of containers of Sani Flush and Scrubbing Bubbles to arrive from Amazon. Booty and Banana Stevens wanted to stay around to help with the distribution so the Vampire directed them to the local Hyatt-- and he allowed them to use some of his points for a discount. Most thought he'd let them stay in his castle and such to be hospitable but he knew they would be turning things off all the time-- and one did not turn all the 106 televisions or 417 light fixtures off in the Vampire castle. No!!
09/27 Direct Link
While all of this ordeal was going on with the waiting for the millions of units of toilet cleaners.. the vampire got his usual text that it was Vampire committee roll call that evening. He got the usual text of everyone that was there. Soxy Jones, Booty and Banana's cousin Matilda Stevens-- she was quite the prankster-- Freida WhoCares, Henrietta Pussycat ( not to be confused by the feline lady of the same name from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood), Armadillo " Penis" Terwilliger -- he was always so annoying and you so do NOT want to know how he got his nickname. All present.
09/28 Direct Link
At least all the trucks arrived with all of the toilet cleaning units to be distributed to everyone in the county to guard against the soul-stealing shenanigans of Tammy Toiletface. Members of the vampire committee who had indeed all checked in were in the process of situating the distribution centers and all was going according to organization and plan. The vampire was tired from all of this so he decided to go to the pie store in the county-- it was his favorite store and it had every kind of pie you could possibly think of. But not cow.
09/29 Direct Link
At last everyone in the county was prepared. So they went to a festival or a construction site and had to use a porta potty-- they would pour in the chemicals first in case Tammy Toiletface was hiding down below and then the cleaning action of the Sani Flush and The Scrubbing Bubbles would quell Tammy's ability to steal your soul. But all was for naught. Tammy Toiletface got wind of this-- but there was much rejoicing -- she posted on her blog that she was moving to Neptune to try to suck souls there on the newly developed colony there.
09/30 Direct Link
So there was a huge festival celebrating the conquering and the neutralizing of Tammy Toiletface.. but now there was a problem in the Vampire county-- they had millions and MILLIONS of units of extra Sani Flush and scrubbing bubbles.. So the Vampire said they should share the extra bathroom helpers and have a donation set up -- sort of like the 70s and 80s days of government cheese-- instead of free cheese, you would get free bathroom cleaning products. It was all working well until those murderers got involved, Agnes and Scott were back for more horror !! Damn them to hell !!!