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04/01 Direct Link
Soldiers. Defenders of justice .The soldiers display courage, valor, sadness, all at once. I had a soldier, an angel he is, but he is gone now. Today would be the third goodbye for us. The army seems to have a way for sending their men anywhere just out of the blue and it was the case for him. We did not even get to say goodbye a proper one. Prior to that we were not talking for 5 days. Then when we finally talked again he had to leave. One minute he was here and he is gone the next.
04/02 Direct Link
There was thunderstorm in Baghdad today. And with that comes the sandstorm and hail. The weather caused much disruption to the internet service but he managed to come back on. Yesterday when he left that was an April fool's joke. The joke is on me. Though my instinct detected it. I obviously chose to believe the worst. Can you really blame me? But he did mention that the next time may not be a joke at all and that is something I am not looking forward too. Between now and then all I can do is not think about it.
04/03 Direct Link
Another Monday. Not a big fan but I made it through for now. Wet and rainy today plus thunderstorms just the way I like it. Gives this humid island some breeze. I think I am in for a long night. I realized it was daylight savings time in certain places. I'm slow. Keep up! Minds a little worn out hearts a little bruised. Most days these days I feel like the walking dead. I am constantly praying for a miracle some twist of fate that can change this situation all together. And till date I am still praying for it.
04/04 Direct Link
Watching the news is upsetting. Just wished the world would be better more peaceful. One world is an idealistic goal. I think It's fair to say we need a miracle for that to be achieved or a clear mind from the inhabitants of this earth. I feel sometimes the alien life forms are looking upon us and frowning at our stupidity how we use technology to kill instead of the betterment of the human race. Those billions of dollars fueled towards the war can help stop world poverty. Being human we are not wise with our decision making are we?
04/05 Direct Link
Another day of thunderstorms. I just wish I was sitting out in a field somewhere with the rain beating down on me. Winds blowing. Thunder rumbling in the sky. The sun is hidden somewhere behind the clouds though its trying to shine its rays through. Kind of like a person who is hurt and sad. Trying to smile is like a task but you can usually see a little curl at the lip. Smiling in pain the makings of a strong person so they say. Motivators sometimes I wonder if they experienced it before coming up with quotes like that.
04/06 Direct Link
Nausea, icky feeling, sick to the stomach, enough reasons for a teacher to get sent home. The teacher in question being me. Been in and out the bathroom looking pale so the principal made me go home and rest. Seems like I can't. I rested for an hour or so and I am up and about again. Even in sickness the mind works non stop oh whoopee. Thanks to all the wonderful people in my life not like I am complaining or anything. Obviously I am not in the right state of mind to be writing these 100 words today.
04/07 Direct Link
Flower. Beauty. Star .Words that defines a true beauty. My aunt Zahara. She died yesterday at seven in the evening after a long battle with cancer. She looked radiant, younger than she is, as her body was laid to rest in shrouds of white as family members bid her their final farewell. It was an emotional affair as her only daughter comes to terms with the loss of her mother. It was sudden but at least we know she is no longer suffering. The look of She has moved to a better place and may her soul rest in peace
04/08 Direct Link
Another day at my grandmothers' house. This is where the funeral was held. Events of yesterday still fresh in everyone's minds. Prayers are offered non stop and visitors have come non stop to pay their respects. It's customary. Mourning period goes on for three, seven, forty and then a hundred days. Some restrictions for the first week or so then life slowly goes back to normal if there is indeed such a thing as normalcy after the death of a loved one. There are the festivities that will come this year and not having her around - no normalcy there ..
04/09 Direct Link
Looking at grandmother and my mother, I wonder how they must feel. I asked my mom. She said I feel I feel. She could not respond. The older generations are not great at expressing themselves. Yes they cry yes they feel sad yet I wonder what lies beyond all that. For my mother it's losing a close sister and to my grandma her favorite daughter. What goes on in their head as they face this reality? They seem calm and collected but I am sure they are hurting .Maybe they are accepting of this? Maybe I will find out sometime.
04/10 Direct Link
Monday morning. Everyone is back to their own routine. The kids are back in school. Some of the adults are back at work. The living does go on living yet thoughts of the one who has passed on plays in their minds. Everyone seems normal but are they really? My grandma is not doing well. She had a fall a while back and seems to be in great pain. Hearing her grimace and beg for the pain to go away just breaks my heart. She is eighty eight years old she shouldn't be experiencing all that pain. *sigh*. Help God.
04/11 Direct Link
I'm catching a cold. I think the stress of the pass week has finally taken its toll on me. My eyes feel sore maybe it's from all that crying. I wonder how much more crying a person could endure. I cried at the funeral. Before that. After that. Endless crying. Sometimes I feel crying is a good way to lose weight. You cry and all those tears come out. Silly I know. I cried today too. But all in all I kept my emotions in check. Go me. Sometimes it feels like I am stronger than I take credit for.
04/12 Direct Link
Back home. Drained in every sense of the word. Cleaning time - good Good way to keep me in control. I'm reminded of my auntie. She stayed here for a little while. Feels like she is around sometimes. God Bless her soul. Turned the computer on not sure if i should message 'C'. I miss him. I wonder how & what he is doing. In spite of all that's happened at the funeral and what not he does come into my mind constantly. Have much to deal with. I will try not to let it get me down way too much.
04/13 Direct Link
Celebrated Easter at school - lead my platoon of enthusiastic preschoolers during the hunt. They won the Easter egg hunt. Their prize? Chocolates - who could possibly resist. Spoke to ‘C' last night. Made me smile. He was caring & sweet. He has that way about him. Very caring. Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I had not met him. I wrote something for my aunt a random tribute on my blog. She deserves to be remembered for the great lady that she was. I'm tired from school and everything else. Long weekend ahead - rest? Recuperate? Who knows? God does.
04/14 Direct Link
Mental block. It's a holiday - Good Friday and I get a mental block. It sucks when you have so much going on in your head but it refuses to be put down on a writing medium. Gets me mad. I was a tad disoriented too. Restless. Spent time at my grandmother's. every thing else is a daze and I am experiencing a mental block. To make this a hundred words all I can say is mental block sucks mental block sucks. mental block sucks mental block sucks mental block sucks mental block sucks. Anyone knows a good unblocker? help please
04/15 Direct Link
Mental block again. Final day for filing in taxes - wonder if they would consider extending this being the weekend. I am still uninspired. Could it be its tax season? Mental block again. Could it be its tax season? Mental block again. Could it be its tax season? Mental block again. Could it be its tax season? Mental block again. Could it be its tax season? Mental block again. Could it be its tax season? Mental block again. Could it be its tax season? Repetitions meant to add up to a hundred words. Talked to ‘C' again. My angel that was.
04/16 Direct Link
I got my groove back early this morning when I was talking to ‘C'. My little inspirational angel for what time I have with him. Everyday that passes means a step closer to not talking to him. It's tough. I question this meeting and all that followed after. It rained today - and I walked in it. It was soothing for some reason. I just felt like lying down and let the rain beat down. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be as it was no stress no worries - let the rain wash it all away.
04/17 Direct Link
Today I wrote. I sat down for a good three hours and I wrote in my journal. I definitely made up for all the loss during my mental block. I even finished a poem and came up with a new one. What can I say my groove is back I'm restless today too I don't know why. Feel like crying all day and Lord knows I did and still do. No pms nor is there the full moon. I keep things in these days. Trying to work it out in my mind. Mom is coming back Wednesday. I am glad.
04/18 Direct Link
Mom is here today. Nice to have her here with me. Sometimes coming home to an empty house is not a fun thing especially when it's late into the night. She hasn't been doing to well either. Her knee pains are getting to bad and her drug allergies is worrying. Tried a new brand of calcium but it made her sick instead so it's back to her previous one which she hadn't taken in ages. Milk is like an enemy to her. Sometimes moms are like us stubborn when we ask them to do something that is good for them.
04/19 Direct Link
It was a restless day for me. Felt so lonely. I miss ‘C' more than usual. I did not enjoy the day as much as I would like too. Long day at work. Thought about ‘C'. The usual day of wondering if he is ok - if he is keeping safe. What can I say I am a worry wart sometimes much to my dismay. Maybe its just love and being in love. *giggles*. Anyhow I think I am coming down with something. Could be nerves. I haven't been feeling the greatest physically these pass. Could be the stress, worry, nerves.
04/20 Direct Link
Restless souls. My cousin saw her mom who passed away at her house. So did her maid and another cousin who lives there. She was going around her bed, restless. I don't know what its all about. We are all speculating what it is all about. The maid even felt her presence when she was cooking. Maybe only it's been two weeks maybe she is trying to tell them something. Today my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. Sigh what a day. Sometimes it feels like its all not over yet. Sounds crazy All we can do now is pray.
04/21 Direct Link
All is well on the paranormal front. Just another day at work - long week none the less. Thunderstorms again tonight - but I like it. I smelled the beach on my way home today as I walking towards my place. I love the smell of the sea - the water the salty air ah yes bliss - some of the perks for staying near the beach. I am tired today too but sleep is not in the books like always. An over worked mind it seems. I wish things would get back to normal - but normalcy seems to be non existent of late.
04/22 Direct Link
I forgot earth day!!! I was reminded by ‘C'. I am into issues like these, world peace and what not and I forgot it was earth day - shame on me. No excuses this time - and to think I went about the whole week introducing it to the kids at school. Its funny how you remind yourself but when the day comes you forget. I am forgetting things I think I am just tired, drained. Sometimes it's a zombie day but I am glad that I haven't totally lost it - there is still hope and beauty in this world. That's life.
04/23 Direct Link
I woke up feeling numb but I did manage to go about my day. There was a kind of loss uneasiness. I was told that my grandmother had a cracked hip. She is eighty eight. Doctors recommended surgery but my uncle decided against it so the doctor offered an alternative treatment by tying her leg down with something heavy to fix it and she can't move for three months. I have heard her plead about her pain, crying, asking it to go away and to hear this news just breaks my heart. Why does she have to suffer so much?
04/24 Direct Link
Cooking is fun and therapeutic. At least for me. Maybe because I have a passion for it. When I was little I would pretend to be a cooking instructor. I would put all the ingredients in order and pretend that I was teaching people to cook. That in the long run taught me to be organized and tidy when I cook I like my kitchen to be clutter free and when I was working as a barista we adopted a clean as you go policy which I brought home with me. Cooking sometimes helps me shut the world out. Sometimes.
04/25 Direct Link
Today I would have known ‘C' for six months and in spite of all that's happened I have had the most wonderful time with him. The useless knowledge he dispenses (he calls it that), the endless laughter he has brought, the patience and support he has brought to my life I will never ever forget. I wish we could have more time talking today but I guess he is busy with his work maybe next month. I would give anything for a moment face to face with him. To touch him get a feel of being in front of him.
04/26 Direct Link
Cleaning I love it !!!. I have to admit even though I enjoy going out I am quiet domesticated. I would like to think of myself as being an all rounder. I like things neat and spotless - not exactly a need freak but seeing things in its place makes me feel calm and at peace. Clutter just smog up the brains even more. When cleaning I am like in a zombie state as scary as that may sound. Im very focused when I clean and when its all done I would just sit and enjoy my hard work. Sheer bliss.
04/27 Direct Link
My cousin finally turned 12. He is in his pre teens and he got his first crush. She is a girl he met at the hospital while visiting grandma. How sweet is that He actually wrote something about in his diary though none of us are supposed to confront him with it. He was saying how sweet she was and that he liked her. It is his first crush. On the day grandma was discharged he was adamant to go to the hospital but couldn't . Funny enough the girl he has a crush on was looking for him. Sweet.
04/28 Direct Link
I lost my mobile phone today and to think I have always been careful. Ironically when I was walking down the street there was a message about losing your mobile by the police that says lose your mobile. Lose your contacts. Boy that was a slap on the face. Lucky for me I have most of my contact numbers on a back up file but still there were pictures of important people. I hope the person who decided to keep the lost mobile phone deletes everything else. It was quiet a day. At the end I ended laughing at myself.
04/29 Direct Link
Loving someone, a surge of emotions, that warm fuzzy feeling all for someone who lives thousands of miles way.... Call it crazy call it odd but that's the reality .. crazy to some bliss to others. Those who met their love ones online faces more than just distance. They face a handful of skeptics who laugh at the idea of actually falling in love with someone they've never met. To them its an impossibility but to them i say their lives lack magic.... Love is a mysterious emotion and it does work its wonders that we can't comprehend...That is love.
04/30 Direct Link
Finally the end the month and what a month it was. Tears anxiety hurt and pain encompasses April. We leave April with a trail of tears, questions and wonderment and to some point a sense of relieve. You wanted what May brings. You are hoping good things and new beginnings. Less of what negativity April brought. April was a month of lessons too you learn from all the bad things that you took place. There is a blessing in everything we have to believe. Have faith. Just some of the things that we don't know or have an answer too.