01/01 Direct Link
This year has to be better. The last was too full of sorrow. Loss. I have to believe that there are a thousand reasons to not be mute. To feel joy. To laugh not out of the need to do it to cover pain. A bandaid laugh. That's a fun laugh but not joyous. It's hollow entertainment with a quickie feel good fleeting sensation. The bandaid laugh is the kind that starts out raucous and ends in a weep. It's better than no laugh. We love entertainment. Most of the time. Unless we are too depressed. Then we love oatmeal.
01/02 Direct Link
I want to cheat and use something that I already wrote. It is only day 2. I am tired. The computer screen is hurting my eyes because light is blaring off of it. I want to strangle myself for starting again this month because once I start I hate to quit. I always think that I can write like Leo Tolstoy but that the words are just stuck and jumbled in my head because I am in a nervous period of my life. I've waited for this nervous period to pass for over fifty years, but it just won't go.
01/03 Direct Link
My dream journal is unintelligible. Is that a word? You can't make out any of the words. I will try to just stick everything in the computer. I do like to read from books and see handwriting like Zora Neale Hurston's and listen to voices like Zora Neale Hurston's and the old black woman on the CD that I lost and now that I think of it I am amazed by some voices. I'm talking about when the voice is separate from the person and you just hear words being spoken. Wesla Whitfield turned out to be white not black.
01/04 Direct Link
It did not seem as safe last night on the street as it usually does. I had to cross in the middle of the block because a man was yelling at someone invisible. On my way back I passed a makeshift memorial for someone recently killed. A cardboard sign said to keep the candles lit if they go out. I forget but I think candles were inside open jars and there might have been flowers. Someone was killed there on New Year's Day at 6:00 in the morning. Some young people were fighting and one was injured and one killed.
01/05 Direct Link
It is much too cold in here to write. I also ate a Violet Crumble that made me nervous. How can I write anything since I don't know how to introduce characters other than myself? Writers know how to juggle a bunch of people at once. I can keep track of them when I read but don't know how to get my own down on paper or in the computer. Don't know how to make them talk to each other either. I sent the dogs away tonight. I only cried a little today. Not much to say in eight words.
01/06 Direct Link
I had a wonderful walk from downtown SF to my place. It is 11:10 p.m. I sang all the way. The first song was In My Life the Beatles tune but I was singing it like Wesla Whitfield the white lady who sounds like a black lady if you separate her voice from her body. My second song was a Japanese tune that I don't know the name of. It's a well-known tune. I am determined to live. My sweet little dog was killed by an Akita. Both were sweet, but the Akita made a mistake, as did I. Hurts.
01/07 Direct Link
I thought my heart couldn't be any more broken over divorce, but I was wrong. Most of my memories are with my dog and the dogs in the country. So sudden and it is all gone except the trauma of memory. Found out the Akita is very old and supposedly never aggressive. Children can take food out of his mouth. Puppies can annoy him and a little nip pushes them away without harm. My dog wagged his tail til the end as though he were going to a party. Divorce is nothing compared to losing a sweet dog. Who'd know?
01/08 Direct Link
I don't know how tough I am. A man took my cart away from me in the grocery store today. I was just standing holding on to the metal bar looking at vitamins. He said it was his cart. I said exuse me? He insisted that it was his cart. I said that I didn't mind going out to get another cart but that it was my cart and I'd been pushing it. He pulled it out of my grip and put his vitamins in it and wheeled it away. I'm cheating on this site but I don't care. TTTHHHHHMMMPPPPP!!
01/09 Direct Link
I'm not depressed, just tired. You go to a dentist appointment and they want to find some reason to pick around in your mouth. You need full xrays. Your silver filling is about to expand and crack your tooth. Your gum is receding to a number 5 above your distal lingual. Who are these people? We used to be able to just let our teeth rot and fall out and we didn't care if our smiles were full of holes. There's nothing left that I care to eat anyway. I hear birds that sound like geese, but it's the city.
01/10 Direct Link
My problem is that whenever people speak seriously about God the father I can't help but think that they sound like totally insane people. I do mean the people talking as well as God the father. The whole lot of them just make no sense whatsoever to me. I do play along with it mainly because if you don't follow along and pretend like you believe, people feel very threatened and I do think there is the danger of ending up tar and feathered. The whole idea of God is very nice, though, so I don't mean to sound impolite.
01/11 Direct Link
If I come back to this earth I hope it's as a dog. Not just any dog, though. I'd want to be like my little Pekingese. Happy all the time. He wasn't stupid. He just needed very little to feel so in love with life. That is why they are such a beloved species. I have Louis playing his horn. Anything but love baby. I loved him when I was four but I knew I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to marry him but told my parents "if I have to marry a black man I hope it's Louis Armstrong.-
01/12 Direct Link
The dogs were crying tonight. A mournful howling. They heard the car but must be tied up. I imagine it's the female with the moan. She was always maternal toward my dog and loving toward me. After reading so much about dog behavior I now realize I set up my dog to be killed by the male. Don't know how people cope with the extraordinary traumas. I can't cope with animal deaths, divorces, and day to day mundane things. My ex says I can never just live in the present. I always hang on to what is gone. So true.
01/13 Direct Link
My name is Aldo but I'm not a man. I'm a woman. I only lie sometimes if it seems appropriate. I cheat on the site by looking at past entries before the month is up. I also used something I wrote a few days before because I felt like it. I almost got kicked off ebay for annoying potential buyers. I wanted to sell my ghost. I had a jar for sale. I was going to go in it after I died at some point in the future. They liked me in Italy but most Americans thought I needed therapy.
01/14 Direct Link
WELLS, Aldo 11 May 1861 08 Jan 1902 one of the early pioneers of Elk County Pleasant Valley Cemetery Chautauqua County Kansas. My gosh. My ancestors are from Chautaugua County, Kansas. I made up the name Aldo Wells and he only comes up in a google search if I put in the middle initial O. My relative was born in 1876 in Cherokee Nation, Chautaqua County Kansas. Oh dear. Am I my own relative? Maybe I'm really Aldo? Oh Heck. Go ahead and kick me off this site. But I think I am Aldo? Aldo are you in here? Yeah.
01/15 Direct Link
I spelled my own name wrong. How silly is that? I forgot. But I found the other Aldo because of it. I do think that I could have been that Aldo in 1876 or whatever year that was. I can't remember. That Aldo could be me and my ancestor at the same time. People who believe in that do say that we just keep coming back recycling ourselves. When I had my jar on ebay I had many nice people write to me but some said stuff about how they could understand why my husband left me. Mescalina. Entropina. Medina.
01/16 Direct Link
I forgot to write yesterday. Too tired. Right now I am a little hungry but there is nothing left to eat that I care about. There's nothing good to write about either so I'll try to remember last night's dream. It had something to do with getting a young boy to his horsebackriding lesson. I had to stop in at a restroom but went into a men's room by mistake. What else is there to write about? Off the top of my head......There is really nothing much up there....I'm still waiting.......I'll go look out the window....The garden is a jungle.
01/17 Direct Link
I'll try writing a conversation between two people: Nah. Skip it. I'm not supposed to go back to delete the colon so we're stuck with it there for no reason. I was inspired for a moment by Janie and Tea Cake's conversation in Their Eyes Were Watching God, but I just can't think of anything to say for two people. I have a hard enough time speaking for myself. I ate cheesecake. I cut one slice about 5 times. There's still a sliver left. My eyes are tired from shooting out tears. But I'm an upbeat person. Self-absorbed but heck
01/18 Direct Link
Life just changes on you sometimes. You can't retrace steps. You realise that you opened your mouth or didn't open your mouth or you did or didn't do something or you have no power over something and what you had a little bit ago is now gone. Life is a series of mini-deaths with some huge gaping hole deaths thrown in to totally knock you down. That is where I am right now. I guess you have deaths so you can become again. Reinvent. Renew. Regurgitate? Throw up. Throw yourself out. Throw out the baby with the bath water. Merde.
01/19 Direct Link
I'm skipping a few months after this. I'm already tired out trying to figure what to write. This is a forced entry. We are supposed to write spontaneously. It doesn't work for me. If I were to do that I'd have a whole string of oh dears and ha or ah. Sometimes I sit here with chopped words or phrases stuck and repeating in my head. Ahh ahh yeah hell spell bells. Not very interesting and a huge waste of time and no one would care to read any of it not that anyone cares to read what's here anyway.
01/20 Direct Link
There was someone on this site months back who had amazing writing talent but he scared the beejeebies out of everyone with his violent outbursts and images. He must have gotten kicked off or sent to prison. I imagine he scared everyone. He needed to write movies. Scripts for movies. I don't understand why they played up evil in the movie White Noise. Why couldn't it have been the truth and not twisted into making paranormal research look damning? Something fishy there. Where did they go to get their info? Call in the witch hunters, baby. Don't touch that ghost!
01/21 Direct Link
We have genetic similarity to common flies. I've been reading about them. I'm not crazy but I took in two flies who needed care. They are in a plastic tub with grass, those flowers that you suck out the juice--not the flower but the leaf— couple pieces of banana. And drops of water for hydration. Three flies came. One was stuck in a cupboard. They were slow moving but loud and have camel colored noses and chests. It's hard to tell the story but they flew, they walked, and now two are living in the plastic tub. Hanging around.
01/22 Direct Link
It's been a couple days since the flies have been lethargic sitting around in the plastic tub. I heard a loud buzzing. Very loud. Looked in the next room and there was a gigantic fly hovering. I look in the tub and there was only one. How did one revive full force? I lifted the second one out on his leaf and set it on the table. He walked a little. The phone rang. Went back in there. No flies. No sign of them. You have to understand that they were acting like they were dying. They were not covered.
01/23 Direct Link
I can't remember what I wrote about the flies. They resurrected from being almost dead. It's against the site rules to look back at other entries. Those flies came back to life and disappeared. Unbelievable. Did I tell about the one buzzing so loudly and looking so big and hovering? He did it again today. He was gone from the tub. The same one. The next one I put on the table and he disappeared. No sign of them. I sound crazy but I'm not. I tried finding out about them on the internet. They might be flesh eating flies.
01/24 Direct Link
I have never had so much sorrow. 2004, 2005. I've been on this earth for 52 and a half years. Maybe it just took this long for everything to sink in. There has always been sorrow but I never experienced the depths of it. And I shouldn't even claim it. I have not gone through what others have. I should not even understand it. But I feel that I do. I've been taking hot baths to try to warm myself because I cannot get rid of the chill. I'm hiccuping now even though I don't know how to spell it.
01/25 Direct Link
There are insanely happy times like when babies are born and falling in love but then life has those series of shocks. You are supposed to get over them and move on. I jumbled that up. And sometimes the baby being born brings joy despite incredulous unhappy situations. I read that Dick Cavett had shock treatment and it was a good experience for him. His little talk about Johnny Carson turned a little maudlin and sunny bubble bursting. Ed McMahon was precious. I'm on the road to death and it's more than bumpy. I may only be half way there.
01/26 Direct Link
I honestly feel that eveyone just wants my money whether I have any or not. It is assumed that I have some. It is true that money is the root of all evil. Without it though you eat out of the garbage can. But it is true that even if you have any it is never enough. I would never commit suicide but I do understand why it sometimes comes to that. I am not depressed. I feel I do see clearly. This life pretty much sucks. I'll come back to this site if I ever change and become perky.
01/27 Direct Link
Fear. Just keep foolishly trusting. Forgot to ask the attorney how much to read over my paperwork and make sure it's ready to be filed. He said how much an hour and it sounded like an easy thing. Now he says he had to do a lot of work on it. He read it in front of me a month ago. Sounded simple like a matter of me fixing a couple words and here I go again totally stressing. I'm going to have a heart attack. My son is disgusted that I can't handle routine divorce, akita attack, financial matters
01/28 Direct Link
I complained about my dog---having to take care of him—but only because I'm cranky. He was no trouble at all and he was the sweetest little thing. All the games he invented. Had to take the empty toilet paper roll in his mouth to play elephant. Hide and seek. Dancing. We spent two days with the Akita and I thought they really were fine. My dog kissing him. I'm so stupid. The neighbor later said the Akita is around puppies and small children. Take food out of mouth. I gambled with my dog's life and lost. Can't forget.
01/29 Direct Link
Can't remember what I've written, but I have a definite odd fly problem. Pets. They must be playing with me. One has brown fur. The other is huge and black. He materialized in my bra and you don't have to believe me. It was freaky. Too hard to explain but I got bit twice. Used hydrogen peroxide to sterilize. Put him out but he stayed there overnight so I brought him back in. The one with fur hangs around in the sunning spots where my dog used to lay. I feed him banana and dog food. It is extremely odd.
01/30 Direct Link
Somehow I got behind on these words and I'm lucky that I can still enter them but I'd better do it quick before it's too late and there's a cut off point which could be any second now so I have no time to think any of this out and that is actually how this site is supposed to work anyway so this is a very legitimate entry as well as a very boring one and this looks to be about 90 words so I'd better check the count now and that was 92 so now it must be 100
01/31 Direct Link
This is too stressful. I almost forgot to finish the month and I had already done up to day 29. I'm stopping again for a while. Maybe I'll come back some time when I'm more normal and have something to say that is inspiring or at least somewhat positive. Wish I could tell some stories that have people in them besides me hogging the space all the time. I still only have stories about flies. The one that was buzzing in my bra refused to leave the garden so I brought him back in. We made peace. Love to all.