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02/01 Direct Link
Today is: an abandonned cloud/sonnet; sticky floors at the Walmart; stupid required black shoes nonsense; twice dissappointing maccaroni and cheese dinner; a way to remember that girl’s name that you always forget, damn econ girl; frustration over choice of sleep over finishing homework and dammit if I’m not still tired; jeff forgot his umbrella, poor kid; two times three is NOT hard, why is it being so difficult!; overthanking; WINDY; I don’t even like chocolate that much, why am I eating chocolate? I don’t even want this chocolate; strange voices of substitute math professors; wishing Narissa stayed to play too
02/02 Direct Link
not begging out loud anyway for things not to stop for the music not to end oh please don’t stop because: its void-- the troubles of my mathematical musings cling to it: the silence attracts dusty proofs and functions and turing machines like the sunlight, much too dense to make any sense; I squint confused I suppose they’re there anyway only the brightness of quiet makes them more visible: and everything becomes a function: for every input n, m in N actually Z , wait/no R yes R we have f(n,m) = {output 1 if I am going crazy otherwise 0}.
02/03 Direct Link
Remember the feeling you had when she would bang her head into the wall during fights with him. Call it horror. Remember the feeling you had (call it loss of respect?) when she made some comment about putting out on first dates, a short drive away from a cemetary plot whose grass you imagined still not yet matching surrounding greens, still raised slightly above normal ground level. Not that you would know. You were never invited, nor did you ever care to ask if she even went. Being there would confirm the reality of a truth that wants no admission.
02/04 Direct Link
I went to the espressery tonight to do math and I was eavesdropping because math allows you to do that and I heard this girl turn around and say: “I'm sorry about eavesdropping but (blah blah) acting class (blah blah) my director is Ian (bl—“ and then the kid was like: “you mean really really tall Ian?” and as she nods in answer, I turned around and said: “I love really really tall Ian that kid is great” and they all laugh and the kid says: “everyone knows really really tall Ian” it was funny it’s true, Ian rules.
02/05 Direct Link
We never had bedtimes growing up. I stayed up reading books late every night until I crashed. With the light on certainly. They would always joke about how Sean’s favorite show was Johnny Carson. Meanwhile, he’s like five or six? We are deep sleepers. We enjoy prolonging sleep for maximum sleep enjoyment. We adore all-nighters. I talk and occasionally walk in my sleep. When provoked. We agree that Falling Asleep is infinitely better than Sleeping because you can feel it. Your muscles relaxing. We like to set alamrs hours before we must get up just for the feeling of Falling.
02/06 Direct Link
I bought Jen Pieczynski a Piglet PEZ dispenser. Still I’m scared/embarrassed to send it. If it’s happened once, it’s happened too many times. When someone who is so close to you. the one you’d confide in, the one you felt like you understood and who understood you more than anyone. and then circumstances, etc.
and they’re lost. you claim in self-protection that this distance is the way it always was. or you beat yourself up for not noticing beforehand the symptoms of imminent loss. or you cling to new people and promise PROMISE never NEVER to let this happen again
02/07 Direct Link
THINGS I WANT WHEN I GROW UP: off the top of my head in no particular order (1) a fun job that I could ride my bike to if I want to (2) a good library nearby that I can also ride my bike to (3) a really nice bike that I can ride to work and the library and all over (4) a vast and huge desk (5) an easel and paints (6) a dog (7) a round kitchen table (8) a garden with raspberry bushes like Sarah Lessem has (9) a piano (10) a yard with climbable trees
02/08 Direct Link
I’m going to get tough. I’m going to get arm strength and do pushups and presses I’m going to read so many books I’m going to be Batman. I’m telling you. I’m going to train and never sleep, I’ll run and learn and play and create but never sleep. Batman doesn’t come with super powers honestly he TRAINS he earns them dammit. I wasn’t born with super hero powers I was born Normal. Tabula Rasa. But so was Batman! He worked for his strengths, he developed his skills. That makes him so much more than Super. That’s what I want.
02/09 Direct Link
I hate my boss. A LOT, at the waffle shop, of course. She is a professional glutton. She makes money from other people’s gluttony. The things she answers with her deep bellowing horselaugh aren’t at all funny, rather they’re the things only the most ordinary humorless sorts of people would expect others to find funny. I doubt she would laugh at something Actually Funny, not that the Waffle Shop fosters the sort of environment where any phrase or situation that contains even the smallest dose of humor could survive. My boss makes me angry. I’ll punch her in the chins.
02/10 Direct Link
There were two things I wanted to do today, one of which was to quit my job. I spent all day at work imagining a great big scene at the end of the day where I’d ask a question. Get an answer that insulted me, then all friendliness would leave my face and I would say, “I’m not going to sit here and be insulted. You’ll mail me my check.” And leave triumphant. The thought entertained me all day and made work infinitely easier. When the end of the day rolled around, I asked my question, but I didn’t quit.
02/11 Direct Link
Is it wrong to avoid doing something just because you know you’ll need to explain it and you’re too tired and just mentally drained to come up with reasons that would be found acceptable. You’ve tried it before. You’ve said I’m unhappy and this is what I want. And the response will be WHY WHY and you’ll say its what I want. And I guess because this is the way things work, you’ll need to have more than just being unhappy and wanting to as adequate reasons. You’ll cry and feel dumb, but then return where you started, nothing changed.
02/12 Direct Link
My mom was right. I love these boots. I also love toast. And just about everything about today. Especially WEEZER!!! Oh man were they good! Pumped up about seeing them made walking in those boots feel like walking on clouds all day. For some reason, the lady sold me a sticker for half price. They played two songs from Pinkerton to my absolute delight. They played three new songs and all of them were great. I found Lucy and Trapani and Farzad and Mr. Bones. Today was awesome. I wish every day was Weezer day. How could would THAT be!
02/13 Direct Link
Is it how cute their voices are? Is it the innocence and earnest excitement of their answers? Why is it that children can hold someone captive so much better than adults can? Would you be so interested in a grown-up that you would ask such trivial things as: How many?? Or What color were they?? Would you frost your tone with so much sweetness if you were asking someone who cant show you on their fingers that they’re This Many? When is it exactly, really, what is the age when we stop being so encouraged to describe things like that?
02/14 Direct Link
by the time you fall asleep your alarm is going off
today is the day everyone buys flowers and soon lets them rot on dusty desktops
i'm becoming a sleep junkie
romantic dinners at fancy restaurants are great because everyone will see how un-alone you are
even now i'm pretending to sleep
this is not a day that's special for lovers; it's a day that spotlights the lonely
my mind is too weary to fight for control of my body as it drifts between states of sleep and non-sleep
flaunt everything, people
i need a fix cause i'm goin down
02/15 Direct Link
Last night I dreamed about people talking about that hot new band: the Mente Jelberlams, displaying the CD case as if in a commercial. I don’t know whether I had dreamed this before or whether it was just part of my dream that I’d been hearing about them lately. I think I laughed out loud and wrote the name on my MagnaDoodle in half sleep before I returned to my dreaming. It’s strange: the axioms of dreams, the things you automatically understand and without experiencing them. Like you know you’re at your house, only it looks nothing like your house..
02/16 Direct Link
today is Melissa the Boss’ birthday. I want to send her a giant box. When she opens it there’d be another box inside, and then another box, you know how it goes, the idea’s far from original: boxes within boxes within boxes. only instead of a friendly birthday present and a note telling her now happy she should be on her special day, there would be a note saying: “I quit. I hope whomever you replace me with has no soul so you won’t have the chance to try to destroy it. P.S. Get fat.” (I quit my job today)
02/17 Direct Link
If there’s one thing I regret the most about Friday night, it was NOT painting with you Sacha. At the time I felt like anything I would try would end up being ugly because that’s how I felt then. I felt like a waste of paints. And ever since, I’ve been craving another chance to paint with you. The smell of paints. The last glance at a glass pane before its covered over, healed, with fluid colors. To create. To paint. To participate. To experience. To live. With you Sacha don’t let me sit out of painting, or living, again.
02/18 Direct Link
Milks, when you came to see me at work, I got very sad after you left. Seriously! Why would you wait to tell me how Weird you thought I was being at Sandel's until it was much too late to do anything about it? Where does that leave me? It leaves me stressed out and trapped and feeling like a total asshole. Lately I feel like EVERYTHING I do in my life is a mistake. I mean I welcome your Milksview or advice or whatever you have for me but please don't wait so much it makes me so sad.
02/19 Direct Link
I had been so tired that I planned ahead for over a week: I am going to sleep in on Tuesday. And it’s going to be sooo good. Man was it gonna be good. And I did it too. This morning I slept in til eleven o’clock. And I thought I was going to wake up feeling so fresh and rested. It was gonna be like a new season all fresh, puddle-wonderful, energizing. Instead I have a pounding headache like I slept with my ears between a vice that tightened the more I slept I swear I’m never sleeping again.
02/20 Direct Link
Ode to the Beautiful People with which I spent the Evening:
Jenny Mena: your voice is as beautiful as you are. If I didn’t think it would freak you out a lot, I would capture and domesticate a squirrel for you.
Carolyn Beans: you cheer me up. You are terrific.
Gibbons and Mitch: thank you for the music!
Lucy and Trapani todem pole and Erin Mannella’s crazy pants: the cutest!!
George (wink) thanks for the hugs!
Tall Ian: you rock!
Dennis: (you know what sign I’m signing)
Happy Birthday RHYS!
Yay Chad Barbe, Flip, everyone.
MATT SANDEL, YOU’RE THE BEST
02/21 Direct Link
I amaze myself sometimes how dark I really am. In French class yesterday, Jessica asked me what was wrong and without thinking (I guess my superego must have taken a coffee break) I didn’t give her the standard perfunctory watered down response, the edited for television response, the response as void of sincerity as the question is of concern. Instead she got: "I don’t know. I feel like I want to die." and then embarrassed by my own darkness, I turned around and focused on the desk in front of me, biting the side of me mouth not to cry.
02/22 Direct Link
Today is new leaf day. Organize and start over day. Make plans and stick to them day. Take a deep breath and a good look around day. And energize for one more week before spring break day. And “I believe in invincibility once again” day. And start a new book day. I’m going to do EVERYTHING I want to: floss, run. Go to classes, do pushups, work, do crunches, SMILE. I’m going to laugh loudly and happily. I’m going to go to sleep having done it ALL and sleep GREAT so I can wake up and do it again tomorrow!
02/23 Direct Link
so you press your hand into your eye until you see TV specks bad reception red yellow green white specks. pressure in your eye builds up fuzzy white frames your view of the desk the poem the empty water bottle but THIS eye pressure is preferred. how monks grind bamboo against their shins (to kick through wook in a swoop of Chi) numbing the nerves to the point of Almost Unfeeling (not yet dead) I don’t NEED nerves in my shins. If I bleed, so what? who needs pain receptors, who cares. let me bleed to death.

stop thinking, erin.
02/24 Direct Link
There are too many great books I will never read. There are too many beautiful songs I will never hear. There are too many amazing paintings I'll never get to see. There are too many terrific jokes I'll never laugh at. There are too many incredible sunrises I'll sleep through. There are too many fantastic movies I will never see, great mountains I'll never climb, beautiful trails I'll never run, amazing people I'll never meet, wonderful places I'll never visit, beautiful smiles I'll never see. It makes me so sad. There are too many great books I will never read.
02/25 Direct Link
I had a dream there was a surplus of kittens to adopt. I was at some place that needed to find homes for a bunch of kittens. there was a box or something with a couple of little white kittens but I asked them if they had a black one instead. then when I picked up a kitten, it became this fat adult cat who was sitting there all cool and it was nodding its head to a slow hip hop beat and I was like hey this is a cool cat but I want a kitten more I think
02/26 Direct Link
wow how wrong I was about Friday being my Strong Decisive Day. That’s what I wanted it to be, of course, but somehow it turned into Total Chaos day. I dropped my poetry class. (Good riddance, even though it still upsets me much) and I was pretty much a mess all day my new plan is to scrape by barely finishing my homeworks for the rest of the week (but definitely finish them!) and during spring break sleep and recover from myself and totally recollect myself then when I get back after break I’ll finally be able to be invincible.
02/27 Direct Link
me and Trapani drew pictures at Smokin Joes tonight. A Flip-drawing contest. I thought mine was OK, but Flip didn’t like it. (which made me sad) Trapani drew Flip like a greasy pirate and Flip wasn’t happy, but Trapani didn’t care too much. I cared, and ended up disappointed. I don’t know. It’s probably that I go about things all wrong… Then I drew a “Self Portrait after Flip’s Chicken Parm” with labels including: “shoes need replacing often because they carry so much weight,” “clothes size: XXXL” and “puffy fat cheeks, embarrassed about their size” yeah, so im real full..
02/28 Direct Link
Lorrie Moore is so great. I see that she teaches classes in Creative Writing at the University of Wisconsin in Madison, and immediately my imagination plans to go there if only to sit in on a single class. I imagine myself going there, attending the class, talking to her, taking her out to lunch. "It's the least I could do: trade lunch for the reading enjoyment you've given me." Just like I plan to write to Bjork and invite her over to swim and jump on the trampoline. Imagine these famous accomplished people wanting to play with me. It's childish.