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It's been 9 months since the "incident," and because of her lies and fakeness I have grown weary of even thinking about her. But when I happened upon the cutest picture of her from 10th grade, I remembered everything in an instant.
She wasn't like this before. There was so much good in her, so much sweetness, so much flirtatiousness. She was beautiful and wonderful, and I remembered how much I cared about her. I remembered how good, albeit extremely awkward, everything felt. So I plucked the Erin-Journal from its hiding spot.
It almost made me tear up a bit.
I haven't been thinking about Tanya as much lately, maybe because I haven't spent any time alone with her in awhile. I've decided that I will have her over next semester, and I've also decided that it's not a matter of trusting myself. If I left it up to trust I know what would inevitably happen. So it's now a matter of principles, and I care too much about Kyle and our relationship to screw anything else (no pun intended). I know it'll be on mind while she's here and after, but I'll just have to live with my imagination.
On one hand
I want it all…a nice home with a two-car garage, three well-mannered kids, a happy, passionate marriage, the ability to work part-time so I can raise my kids, vacations, a husband with a good income…
The other hand
Can't forget about her. The other hand sends signals to the back of my brain that I ignore. It reminds me of San Fran, of a freer life, a passionate, atypical life, where I can work when I want, and be who I want.
It's a daily mind-bending conflict. Despite rationale in either direction I sway to today's whim.
Christi invited 4 people over. But all of them invited someone, and pretty soon there 20 strange people chilling in our apartment. My liter of vodka is gone save about 2 shots, and a bottle each of raspberry and orange vodka were emptied. The girl no one knew blew chunks all over our kitchen counter and clean dishes and rug, and fell asleep in Christi's bathroom. Christi and I didn't drink- we cleaned.
Despite the massive amounts of vomit, it was insanely fun. Everyone said we were really great hostesses and our apartment was awesome.
I feel so cool today!
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dad finals kyle
In my dream, her hair was long and thick and the most beautiful shade of rich bright red. She had an infectious laugh, and her freckles seemed to smile whenever she did. I was infatuated with her, and we spoiled each other. We were insanely in love, and had all that passion I currently bottle up. Abby and Amanda took an instant liking to her, her vivacious personality, and her beautiful Irish accent.
She was my Mona, and Kyle was a sad memory of a painful break-up.
I hope it's not an omen.
Or at least, I think I do.
The question popped into my head so suddenly it made me cry.
"Am I still in love with him?"
A million images swarmed through my mind: sweet days of Spain, first kiss, plays, meeting parents, falling in love, hurting, healing, first awkward touches, hugs, kisses, tears cried on each other's shoulders, happiness, fights, love, 2.5 years…
What I see in us now, I see in my friendships, minus sex. I love him an unbelievable amount, but some days it feels like the wrong kind of love.
How do I know? How do I choose between comfortable love and unknown possibilities?
I finally figured it out, and now it seems so obvious. I'm still in love with him, and I still love him.
I'm just not happy.
In the last few months, the pet names have turned into name-calling. Playful wrestling into hitting and biting a little hard for my comfort. Sensual, loving, great sex into 2 minute sex or 45 minute sex that is painful for me and uneventful for him.
I think about the cute way he explains things, that giggle I adore, the way his hugs envelope me.
I'd miss him so much…Jenny and Kyle have become synonymous.
Finals. They weren't really as bad as I had expected, but the innate fear of them has been enough to keep me from sleeping much or going clubbing again with Christi until the New Year rings in. I told myself that I was going to make straight A's this semester, and I could have. Now I'm stuck with a 3.0 instead of a 4.0 because I spent more time walking around campus and enjoying college then I did studying. Every time I think I'm going to change, I make a list of how to accomplish change and get no further.
Sometimes when I feel inspired by something enough that I decide I'm going to change my life for the better, I see myself like I'm in a cheesy movie. The inspirational pop song with personalized lyrics is playing, and you see shots of me studying, exercising, being active, and doing other things that I, as perfect me, would be doing in this movie scenario. I'm living the perfect college life- party, sleep, study, earn A's and make friends.
Then I wake up in front of the TV at 3am and wonder why I bother dreaming when I should be doing.
I really want to know the truth about Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail now. I am actually obsessing over it. I looked up the Last Supper online, and, lo and behold, that IS a damn woman sitting next to Jesus chatting it up with the apostles. Why didn't I ever notice that? And there is a mysterious hand holding a dagger, and I wonder what it all means. Of course, this was only Leonardo's interpretation, but the Bible, and all of history for that matter, is only what the white men who wrote about it interpreted it be. Hmmm.
I was planning on coming home today, but because I've been persistently putting off this essay I decided to stay here one more night to finish it. My extension was only supposed to be a few hours, not a week, but I'll just tell her that my email has been screwing up (which is not a lie, I can't send mail using outlook for some reason) and I didn't notice that it hadn't gone through. I'm trying, and I'm getting better- I figure I'll finally be ready for college about the time I graduate. Feels a little like high school.
Driving home seems to last a little longer these days. At the beginning of the year I was so anxious to see mom and Kyle that I got there in no time. Now it feels more like 4 hours than 2, especially because I didn't want to leave our little tree and late nights over hot chocolate and oreos.
I was greeted with much enthusiasm. Mom was so happy I was home, and Kyle and I had had a trying time the last couple weeks. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him until he wrapped his arms around me.
So it was a mistake. I thought it would be a nice alternative when other sexual methods couldn't be employed, and I had read about it. When I first brought it up, he was freaked out by the idea, so I didn't push it. I wasn't exactly begging for it, just a little curious. So when we were in our third make-up-for-everything love-making session and he began to move his fingers lower than usual, I wondered what was up. I was glad that he trusted me enough to try something "taboo," but I give the whole thing 2 thumbs down.
When we started to talk about Erin, a lot of memories came flooding back. He admitted that the thing that had made him most upset was not that I'd done it, but that I hadn't shared a bed with Abby that 2nd night. It's not like I would have, considering that after the moans and thrills and love letters and flirtatious fun, I wasn't entirely sure I was even interested in Kyle anymore. Like that one time could make me a lesbian.
I'm happy right now, and I take back the strap-on comment. I just hope the cravings go away.
I told Christi the whole story last week. It started when we were watching something on TV and she commented that bisexual people should just make up their minds, and I got a little huffy. She listened to my explanation of the lack of "choice," and asked me questions about Erin. I was shaking by the end, like I always am when I come out or tell someone the whole story for the first time. She told me it didn't matter to her, and I was glad that I'd been lucky enough to find a friend in my random roommate.
We went Christmas shopping today, and since he had given me my present early in a moment of weakness (tickets to Phantom of the Opera and dancing afterwards), we decided to look for a dress for me. The first one he saw we both loved. A classy, slinky, black velvet one-strap with a slit to the knee. I tried it on assuming it wouldn't fit, but when I walked out of the dressing room his mouth dropped open like it hasn't in a long time. We bought it, and we are going to be a snazzy couple- look out, Phantom!
Spent some much-needed time with mom today, though a great deal of it included Otie. He's a nice guy, and though he has a problem with stretching the joke too far and saying politically incorrect things, he's growing on me a little. I'm just glad they aren't living together, though I'm not sure I was ready for my mom's frank admittance that they're sleeping together.
We spent awhile in Barnes & Noble, and I came home toting 5 new books, one a divine book about sex with skillfully penciled, tender, explicit, non-pornographic pictures to inspire. My mom just understands sometimes.
God is punishing me for having pre-marital sex. I haven't slept in 2 days because I wouldn't sleep over the constant uncontrollable urge to pee. When I tried to pee, it hurt like I can't even describe. So off to the ER I went to get some antibiotics for what I knew could only be one thing- a urinary track infection.
It's getting better now, but I'm so tired I'm dizzy. I'm still peeing every 5 minutes, and my piss is radio-active orange. All this because we were ravenous when we saw each other last week and hadn't stopped since.
I'm so tired I'm dizzy. I haven't slept for awhile, because every time I start to drift off I have to pee insanely bad. The antibiotics are kicking in though, so I should be able to sleep a few hours at a time tonight. We bought a new cage for the obese rabbit today, and she seems to be much happier. It's bigger and has a little hutch on the side she can hide in, and a place to store her treats. I'm off to bed now, tired, dizzy and queasy from my meds. So much for sex every night!
Abby and Nise spend the night, and it was a fun night. We spent some time dawdling in the deserted kid's section at Barnes and Noble, then went home to play 2 rousing rounds of Cranium in which Kyle and I kicked Abby and Nise's butts. But, I'll have to blame Nise and those irritating humdingers for that. (Sorry Abby!) Kyle went home around 2, and Abby and I bothered Nise as usual talking till the wee hours of the morn. It was a more upbeat talk than usual, and the night was enjoyable. Games + friends = mucho fun.
After very little sleep squeezed on the bed with Abby and Nise, I got up to bid them goodbye and prepare for the day. Mom and Kyle and I went to Red Lobster for lunch, then we celebrated early Christmas with Bonah. Then Kyle and I got haircuts and I got my eyebrows waxed to meet the grandparents looking my best. Kyle got some new sweaters for trip, and mom and I saw _Mona Lisa Smile_ while Kyle packed. It's almost 3am now, and I'm almost done packing. I'm so ready for this snowy, lazy, sleep-filled vacation. Let it snow!
The great meeting of the grandparents took place today. After I left my coat at home and mom stubbornly went back to get it, but Kyle stubbornly would not let me wait on her, I cried from security groping to getting on the plane because I didn't get to say goodbye (so did my mom). My mood was lifted when we arrived in cold Ohio. Kyle's grandparents seem to like me, and they seem nice too. I was happy to see Corinne again, and we got to spend a few good night hours girl-talking. It should be a good vacation.
When Kyle walked me upstairs blind-folded at 3am, I knew there must be something interesting going on. He lifted me over the dog gate and I heard a squeaky noise as he wiped the window clear. He moved his hand and I opened my eyes to see a light veil of snow over everything in sight. I stifled an ecstatic yelp and ran into the falling snow in nothing but my cheetah pj's and slippers, delighting in the fallings crystals as they stuck to my nose and eyelashes. I've never seen snow fall, and it was a truly magical sight.
Terry said we'd want to open our present right away. The box said "Legal Seafood," and inside were several containers of clam chowder, crab cakes, and Boston cream pie. We lifted everything up and saw lobster on the bottom. Kyle picked on up and said "Look! Terry got us a lobster dinner! Yum!"
On cue, the lobster stretched out and vainly tried to claw through its rubber bands.
Kyle yelled "IT'S ALIVE!!!" and dropped the poor frozen thing back in the box just as the other 5 began to wake up and wiggle around. Our goal for Christmas '04? Vengeance!!!
Christmas was nice, with a lovely sheen of falling snow the entire time we were opening presents. Unfortunately, when I left my ring on the kitchen table while washing my hands, Kyle's grandmother shook it off outside with the crumbs from the tablecloth. So, after much searching through shiny snow (read: worse than needle in haystack), we've decided to replace it.
I miss my sweet little promise ring.
My mom is 49 today. I have to plan her surprise 50th birthday party, and dad is not here to help me like he promised he would be. This should be interesting.
We drove to Amish country today, though it wasn't as nice as when mom and I visited a few years ago. Sugar Creek is pretty, but the tourist shops are lame and the Amish weren't out and about in their buggies because of the cold. So we ate at a fantastic restaurant and walked around a bit, and I tasted delicious cinnamon cider that I truly regret not buying. It was a lazy day, but the first time in almost 2 weeks that Kyle and I have made a little sweet love. Oh, what waiting can do to a person.
After sleeping in for the first time since we got here, Kyle and Corinne and I went to a fun but crappy little pizza place. We wanted to spend some time with Corinne before she left, and we had a good time joking around. We then went back to the house and lazed around reading all afternoon until we had to take Corinne to the airport. Kyle and I went to bed early after cuddling in front of _Armageddon_ and having an unexpected quickie. Between the snow, relaxing, reading, and cuddling, this has been a nice break from real life.
Kyle and I saw _Cheaper by the Dozen_ today, and it was actually funnier and slightly less corny than I expected it to be. I delighted in the dynamics of this family of 12 kids, 2 parents, a dog, and a frog. Their lives ran as smoothly as any family's that large could, and reminded me of why I want kids so much. People look at chaotic family lives and think "hell," but I think "fun challenge." Scary, certainly, and there's always the chance of illness, poverty, or black sheepism; but I'd like to think that we'd make good parents.
I changed into the scrubs excitedly, not believing that I was actually about to witness a baby being born under the care of a midwife. As I swept past the full-length mirror in the OB-GYN locker room, I admire how natural I looked in scrubs and tennis shoes. When Kathy walked me back to the nurse's station and I heard the nurse she warned was a bitch going on about HIPPA regulations, my heart sunk. She said she was sorry, but I simply could not watch. Anyway, I had more fun things to do on New Year's Eve, right?
We hurried into the jeweler's store, cold and excited. I had already picked out the ring online, and thought it was a great value and quite beautiful. We described it to the first jeweler to approach us, and after checking the safe found the last one in the store. It was my size, and when I tried it on it looked quite pretty on my newly manicured nails. I let it catch the lights of the store, and realized how much this one looked like an engagement ring.
It's a beautiful ring.
But I still miss my little sweetheart ring.
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