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Drove home with Kyle today so he could go to work and I could still spend time with him. Ate lunch with Kalen and Joy and did Kalen's make-up for Homecoming, which was very fun and turned out quite nice. Went to the mall for a few minutes and saw Tanya, was mistaken to be related to the Skinners and wanted to die. Walked around the Cocoa Village art show with mom, then Kyle came over and we watched Daddy Daycare (very cute). Discussed when to marry and have kids, which I would do now if it weren't so impractical.
I got up early this morning to go over to Kyle's and see him a bit before he had to work. We cuddled and talked, and it was a nice hour. Then I went home for a few hours and relaxed before dropping mom at the store while I visited Kyle on his lunch break. Mom and I went to Kalen's after I picked her back up, and Joy gave me this really cool Oriental cabinet thing that I put in the living room when we got back to Tampa. Mom's spending the night, tomorrow is mani and pedi day!
I think mom bought me half the mall today. We went to my sociology class together, then went to get mani's and pedi's at the crazy Asian place. Then we decided to look around, and ended up being there for 6 hours. I am now the proud owner of 2 new pretty sweaters, a set of long underwear, a Tinkerbell fleece shirt, 2 Old Navy fleece shirts, a gorgeous ankle-length dark teal winter coat with teal and black faux fur around the hood, a ducky hoodie, and beautiful nails. It was a fun day, and now I'm ready for Ohio.
Some days I get really angry with myself because I act like a selfish loser. I decided to skip ROTC today since they were doing a TLP and I'm not a cadet anymore. Then I skipped women's studies, which I actually like, because I was too damn lazy to go, just like last week. I watched TV all day and got nothing accomplished, then proceeded to stay up late. I didn't study for the math test at 9 tomorrow morning. What is my fucking problem? What is it going to take to make me care? I can't sink down again…
I got a crappy grade on the first math test, even though I thought I knew everything and hadn't skipped class. I skipped a lot of class before the second test, studied a lot, and got a good grade. I didn't go to class or study for this class, and, surprise surprise, did crappy. I'll get my grade on Friday if I go to class, but I probably won't go. I was tired after math, so I slept for awhile before attempting to read some history before class. I'm trying to care, trying not to be lazy. Why can't I?
My period still hasn't evened out enough to tell if it makes me emotional or not, but I'm beginning to think it does. That would explain why I acted the way I did tonight.
When he said he was worried that he would never do all the things to do and be all the things he wants to be if he were in a relationship throughout college, I freaked. I started sobbing before he could say that he didn't want this to end, it was just on his mind.
I cried myself to sleep like I hadn't since 11th grade.
Tonight was much like last night, only in person. We went to see _Love Actually_, and that's what got me going. It was wonderfully romantic and silly, but one couple got me thinking. We're only 18 and we're already out of the honeymoon stage. During the movie I began to cry, and he was trying so hard to be sweet, knowing something was wrong, knowing it was something he wouldn't understand.
I sobbed later when he left my house, hurt by the comment I made. Not knowing what had come over me, I sobbed myself into a long, emotional slumber.
Today was much better. Coming to the tail end of my period, the melodrama in my head was beginning to boil down to a light simmer. I woke up with the puffiest eyes you could imagine, crusted shut from my tears. I washed my face and took some Advil before facing mom. She knew something was up, so I talked to her about everything for awhile. Sometimes I forget how much opinion and perspective can have an effect on me.
Kyle and I had a much happier day, and the warm, sweet cuddling always makes the world a better place.
Today made me happy. Kyle didn't have to be at work until 4, so we got to spend almost 4 hours together alone at his house. His parents were out, so we took a long, relaxing shower together before cooking breakfast. We sat in front of the TV with our eggs and bacon and settled into each other, content to spend the day relaxing. I cleaned his room up a bit for him, and we talked about nothing, which to me is everything. I drove away grinning, knowing how strong our bond has become over 2 and a half years.
I never drank in high school, so the first time I drank here a few weeks ago I felt scared and rebellious. Last night James bought me a bottle of vodka and 12 hard lemonades, and I drank a weak screwdriver and ¾ of a hard lemonade. I was giggly and a bit tipsy, but walking and talking fine. So when I woke up queasy with a headache this morning, I was surprised. I couldn't eat at first, but once I made myself I felt a little better. Rebellious experimenting is fun. I'm being sensible, and having fun. Go me!
I had a few goals for myself to achieve while in college, and one of them was that I would never have to pull an all-nighter. There is really no need for it if you keep up, but, like usual, I am the world's greatest procrastinator. I am not going to bed tonight, as I have to write a five page paper that I've known about for a month. I have to have it done by three o'clock tomorrow, and study for my soc test too. Why do I do this? The world may never know. I don't understand myself.
I have not slept for 38 hours. That must be some kind of record, considering there was no meth or other illegal drug involved. Nothing but caffeine, Hamburger Helper, and a lot of willpower. I wish I could muster this insatiable willpower at other times, like a month ago so I could have started the paper and had proper time to research and proof read it. But alas, I only have willpower when the situation is dire.
I'm going to sleep now, hopefully for a very long time. All I'm looking forward to right now is seeing Abby on Friday.
"For the love of God, stop ringing!!!"
That was the thought running through my brain early this morning when my phone woke me and refused to cease its wretched noise-making. I dragged my body out of bed and answered, knowing the only person who would do such a cruel thing- my boyfriend. I picked up the phone and said "What?" and he began to talk. I yelled at him, he hung up. I crawled back into bed, irritated that my beautiful sleep was marred. It's like that some days. The not thinking- the being inconsiderate. He just lacks that intuition.
I know I need him more than he needs me, at this point anyway. I know that after everything has been said and done, it ended up evening out. He used to cling to me like a life-vest- he had no one else. I had never been clung to, and I ate it up while pathetically clinging to someone else. The clinging really got out of control that year, then Erin happened, and now that he's reestablished himself he doesn't need me like he used to, like I need him to.
It's just a bit hard being the clinger again.
Despite the eerie elementary school feeling, I envied the residents of Broward Hall, room 142. It was an inviting atmosphere with its cookie-sharing hall-mates, and I loved their room- so collegey, so fun, so them. I missed Abby. Nothing beats the way my best friend of 11 years understands me at 4am, or the way her feet nudge mine under the shared blanket to make the lump in my throat a little smaller. I need these girltalks more often, they're my therapy. The words, looks, hugs, tears, laughter, and memories we exchange are the foundations of my sanity, and happiness.
It has been one year and two days since I lost my virginity to my virgin boyfriend. November 14th, 2002, around 5pm on the floor of my walk-in closet. It lasted about 5 minutes, and I didn't feel much. It wasn't as monumental as I had expected, though I was glad that I waited until I felt absolutely sure. I was 17 years and 258 days old, a fairly acceptable age. I wish we'd have made it more romantic, but I don't regret it. Through our trials and tribulations we have remained in love, albeit marred a bit.
Sweat and tears drip down her face and onto the pillow while she gasps to counts of ten. She lets out a bellow that lets everyone know this miracle is no small feat. Her toes curl and her knuckles turn white with effort. The room is focused on this small hole in the world, this small hole where new life magically appears. She screams with her final wrenching push, and another scream is heard. This scream is the most beautiful; this scream is new life. With every scream, I am reminded why I want to enter the world of midwifery.
I explained my dad's sickness and death to Mina today, and it was the first time I was able to do it from a purely scientific point-of-view. Because she is moronically naïve, she didn't really notice or mind the impersonality with which I described everything. Christi, typically unable to handle serious discussion, especially when discussed lightly, put an end to it as quick as she could.
I go through phases of extreme sadness, but lately it's been a bit easier. Maybe, after 10 months, the healing has begun. Some days I still want to nothing more than one more conversation.
It's funny how trusting my mom is. I tell her that I will have all A's and B's, and she says "Great job honey! That's awesome!" The truth is, had I devoted more than an hour a week to studying, I would have straight A's. It wouldn't necessarily have been easy, but it wouldn't have been difficult either. I wonder if I would care more if I was trying to impress my dad. In high school, it was him I hated showing the poor grades. Now, only I know what I am doing, and what I still could be doing.
The fact that Christi and I get along as well as we do is really quite cool. That said. there is no real reason that we shouldn't like Kelly. But the fact that she pays the $525 monthly rent and stays overnight about twice a month is a little irritating. I park in her paid parking space (also seldom used) when she's not here, and today I forgot to move my car. She reported it to the office and I would have been towed if I hadn't gone downstairs in time.
Stupid whore. We hope she moves out next year.
We met in Orlando for dinner and a movie, which I really needed after very little sleep and a harrowing drive through I-4 in Friday night's rush hour. After just missing the beginnings of all the good movies, we bought tickets for a late 10:20 showing of Gothika and went to eat at a cheap, delicious sandwich place. After seeing Gothika, which was excellent in my opinion, I decided to show up at home and spend some time with mom instead of driving back to Tampa. We had a nice evening, and it was a good start to the weekend.
I wore funky black boots, a punkish black skirt with a hint of toole, a black and red striped tank top, heavy silver and black eyeliner, red lipstick, and a wild updo with chopsticks. Ladies and gentlemen, I looked hot. We hit Flirt and watched a crazy drag show, and I got a view of what it is like to be out and accepted. Then we headed to the castle and watched everyone dancing the way only a gothic can. When the clubs closed we went to Steak-n-Shake, and finally turned in around 6am. It was a supremely fun night.
Last night was awesome. I forgot my ID and had to drive back home from Ybor in Christi's car, but the bouncer who hadn't let me in recognized me and told me he was sorry. There were so many gay guys and lesbians dancing at Flirt that I almost died form excitement. I am definitely going back there in better dancing shoes! Today I woke up at 3, and Mina and Marissa were already gone. I cleaned up the apartment and woke Christi up. We ate at FFC, and then watched TV all night, still exhausted from last night's adventures.
It's almost Thanksgiving, and I'm so excited! I absolutely love October through December. They are my favorite months. I get to decorate like mad in October and dress up in wacky shit, and spend a week with my family eating home-cooked food and lounging in November. December is the absolute best, because I decorate even more, put up a gorgeous tree, play Christmas songs all month, and give and get awesome presents. And New Year's is always a bunch of fun. I don't know how anyone can't enjoy this season. Plus, it's a lot cooler outside. I love the holidays!!!
I got another 100 on my journal for women's studies, which averages my journal grade out to a 92.5. I'll get an A in that class. I'm counting on a B in math, depending on how well I do on this next test and the final. It shouldn't be too hard, though. I'll have an A in ROTC for sure, and in sociology. My feminist history grade is dependent on what I got on that all-nighter paper, so I'm crossing my fingers. Right now it's looking like 3 A's and 2 B's, which I'm satisfied with. Bring on winter break!!!
I stayed up until 6:30 reading _Angels and Demons_, then proceeded to sleep until 1ish. I got up, thankful that I had packed last night, and went home for the holidays. (Well, for this holiday anyway.) Kyle and I cooked dinner and watched movies all night, then slept together in my queen-sized bed for the first time. (This led us to the discovery that we are both such bed hogs that we'll need a king if we ever live together.) Despite our blanket battles, we cuddled and were reminded of how nice it is to wake up beside each other.
Grandparents- fence vs. shop in yard; shop gives him great joy but tracks sawdust in her pristine house.
Aunt 1- arguing with cousin A- is cousin B eccentric because she's 32 and still wears red high-tops?
Uncle 1- watching football, avoiding wife.
Aunt 2- consoling cousin C because her husband walked out 2 weeks ago with no explanation.
Uncle 2- heatedly fighting with cousin D- can D go to Bithlo with his friends on Thanksgiving?
Mom- trying to clean up after all this
Me- eavesdropping, loving the holidays and my "eccentric" family
Dad- probably laughing his ass off in heaven
"I think Jonathan is planning stuff with Kyle again. I don't know what it is, but Spain is gonna be interesting!" –Me
"Jenny, I want to go with Jon. We need to consider what is best for our friendship instead of our feelings (mine much more mutual than yours) for Jon." –Kalen
"You're going to make the poor boy cry. Just say yes already!" –Jonathan
"That's another reason I'm not gonna have sex. I can't have every first with my first guy!" –Me
"Jennifer Lynn Myers, no one on earth is worth !&@%^#*!@%#$*&^%!@$#&%!@$#^%!@$*#^%!@$#*^%!@$#*^%!@$#*^%, especially not Jonathan or Kyle." –Abby
We bought a Christmas tree for the house today, and one for my apartment. To me, buying the tree signals the beginning of Christmas. It means that soon there will be brightly hued packages done up in ribbons and bows sitting under it, some with my name on them, and some that I spent a lot of time picking out for others. Under our favorite blue lights and mismatched story-telling ornaments lays my childhood in colored boxes. This year, the only thing missing from Christmas will be my dad…but I'm sure he's celebrating somewhere.
Sleigh bells ring. Are you listening?
Windows rolled down, hair blowing in cold wind, Christmas songs blaring, I was the happiest person alive. I adore Christmas music, to the point of really irritating normal people who don't. I can't help it- I love the cold, I love the feeling of the season, I love giving and getting presents, I love the decorations, I love the music.
I also love the ridiculous epiphany Abby and I were blessed with. Ah, what could have been. When I walked in Kyle's house and he kissed me hello, I was suddenly grateful that Amanda was such a bitch that night.
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