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BY Domitan

07/01 Direct Link
The River's Edge Ask me what the most disturbing movie I ever saw. That's the one. I'd rather sit through mind-bending Hitchcock thrillers, suffer through slasher flicks, and endure the darkest of the film noirs than to actually live through The River's Edge. This movie focuses on a group of teenagers dealing with a murder of a female friend by one guy in their group. So bleak, so nihilistic, so empty those kids were, but so real! I thought of my childhood neighbour, Glen. Never given a chance. He became one of them. I miss him like a long-lost brother.
07/02 Direct Link
Fear!

The creepy fear brought on by terror that roars from the recesses of our unconsciousness. So startling! So paralyzing! Even the most confident and fearless, when pressed enough, falter like a jostled house of playing cards.

Too many modern horror movies miss that very sublime effect. Too graphic and blunt. Nothing left to suggestion. No shadows. Nothing that leaves us sensing something unseen lurking.

Alfred Hitchcock captured that essence very well in his movies. Some authors drag us into the abyss of sheer fear. Visual effects sadly lacked nowadays until a wondrous graphic piece recently came on the net.

07/03 Direct Link
The EGO must die!

So saith some preachers when discussing one of the major conditions necessary to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. To be pure and experience the full glory of cosmic bliss with God, we must let go of our old nature that holds us back.

Do I believe this? I'm a skeptic who believes that we know so little about the Great Cosmic Truth that it's pointless to be so absolutely sure like some devout people are.

But one thing I know:

Large ego: frail like a huge bubble

Strong ego: solid and sturdy like a small rock.

07/04 Direct Link
So what's happened with me?

I'm embarking on my last year of my doctorate studies. Getting my dissertation under way. The trick is to kick my own ass hard enough so I get really busy and my hands dirty doing it instead of stretching it out so long that I'm not done for a long time. Ah, oh, I did pass that candidancy that I spoke of in my Nov. batch. Went very well. But still a long way to go.

How's love life?

It's topsy-turvy. I thought I had something with someone but she had someone on the side.

07/05 Direct Link
The ego.

The EGO.

The ego: what makes us…us. Our driving force and our downfall.

Some of us have weak egos…easily walked over by others or not loving ourselves.

Some of us have large egos…easy to walk over others or loving ourselves too much.

Some of us have normal egos…walking with others and loving ourselves just right.

The science of the ego is more complex than said above….but one thing I strongly believe in: better to desire a Strong Ego than a Large Ego.

Strong ego: a regular solid rock, very durable.

Large ego: A big bloated bubble, very fragile.

07/06 Direct Link
Letting go.

Letting go can be one of the hardest things to do. This is especially true in matters of the heart: what our heart desires. Some desire power, money, fame, solitude, or peace…their lives rotate around that. Me, what do I desire…love. [shrug] It's common, yeah. Most of us desire to be loved as well as to love…well, more on the "to be loved" part, I can say more confidently.

Some of my great hurts came from Loveland [surprise!] However, I learned that I heal best if I let it go…whatever my heart pined for but no love back.

07/07 Direct Link
Should I stop in Chicago?

The horrid hotel prices compelled me to take shelter in Northern Indiana.

So many motels full on I-94 in Indiana. I almost knew how Mary and Joseph felt that night in Bethlehem.

Finally, a vacant motel at the Dollar Hotel. Standing behind the bars late at night, the innkeeper came up to me yakking unintelligibly the conditions.

"I'm deaf."

"WHAT????!?!?!?!" snorted the old fart incredulously.

Calmly, I used my power tone, "Just speak more slowly and clearly."

Like a lackey with sense beaten into him, he very courteously but clearly informed me of the conditions.

07/08 Direct Link
I love Canada, but sometimes I hate its vastness. Mind you, I do adore country living. However, as I drove through the endless plains with miniscule population growth, I felt desolation…and envy for my European and some of my American brethen. In England, if a family member moved to another part of the country, it be a mere few hours drive. Not very difficult for reunions. Here in Canada, we could be 20 to 60 hours apart so easily, yet so hard to unite again. America, despite its size, has more people density and better airfare rates. Fuck Air Canada!
07/09 Direct Link
Borderline friends.

I don't mean wishy-washy friends. I mean those who have borderline personality disorders. Psychologists call them the most difficult clientele to deal with. Having had at least a couple of friends with that, I most definitely agree.

So much emotional turmoil! I like many would feel urges to help these borderlines as they undergo angst, then be drained by their "I hate you, but don't leave me" attitudes, before finally slamming the door on them permanently. The highs and lows just became too much. Breaks my heart, but for my own good, I had to let them go.

07/10 Direct Link
Can we have a moral and virtuous society without God or at least without inference to a Greater Power? I'd like to think it's possible. Among the decent people I know, I can see that happening. Was not the Golden Rule devised by a man? We create our own rules, yes, including those from the Scriptures. For centuries, for milleniums, humanity has been hypnotized into attributing "absolute morals" to God. Twas our collective will, really! Still, I sometimes doubt a positive answer to my question. If humanity can still be evil while under moral absolutes from "God", have we hope?
07/11 Direct Link
If there is a God, I would hope that it would be akin to the one my parents believe in. A God that is our loving Parent who let us have freewill, and make things alright in the end. Not the angry Judge who damns people to Hell.

I still have too many unresolved questions including the classic, "Why is there evil in this world." One Brit so eloquently posed this question, "Can there be an all-powerful and all-loving God if arsefucking and killing babies happen." One reason I'm very skeptical of the Biblical God…but a Higher Power, who knows.

07/12 Direct Link
Nigger! Chink! Spacker! Wop! Crip! Spic! Gook! Kike!

From the list of derogatory terms towards a person based on his condition or group status. Words often used in sheer irrational hate throughout history to now. Those haters infuriate me…how dare they diminish the humanity of others!

Nowadays, tis very popular for these targeted members and their non-minority mateys to take upon these words to decrease their hateful power as they engage in the "non-PC" banter. If done with valid purpose or humourous irony, fine. If done idly or with empty purpose, I don't call them bigots; I call them idiots.

07/13 Direct Link
Welcome to the precarious world of personal online communication. There are a few basic rules you need to hold to heart before you take the leap of faith in finding close friends or lovers online. 1) Always keep in mind that the other person is full of shit until he/she shows otherwise; 2) If it's too good to be true, it is 99.999 percent of the time; 3) Never commit based solely on internet interactions.

Why not commit online? BECAUSE, you never know for sure until you meet that person. Imagine committing to imposters. Sincere online engagements are for suckers.

07/14 Direct Link
You don't know if that person is telling the truth online unless you use your sleuthing skills and intuition. You learn more via group chats than via interactions such as ICQ or MSN. Others provide cues about the truth of your "beloved". If you sense something fishy, trust that! Remember that your emotional vulnerability can cloud your wisdom. Just take your time feeling out that person. If you only see his/her best side, you don't know that person well. If you note contradicting stories over a period of a few months, that person is suspect. Thus, consistency is the key.
07/15 Direct Link
How petty humans can be. Men can be such brutal beasts, so itchy to clobber each other at the slightest provocation. I do have a fiery temper, but I use common sense to diffuse any volatile situation that I face. Never been in a real scrap other than at the dojo, and am glad for that. Women, though not usually physical, can win the Olympic medals for nastiness. Snarky snipes, germinating gossip, barbwired bitchwords, and massive character assassination. Yes, men do that, but some women take this to a awfully awesome art. Whoever makes torrid love can make harsh hate.
07/16 Direct Link
Shut in

Holed up

Not from outside

From inside

Inside block light out

Fire in the belly,

Where is it?

Still shut in

Where am I going?

Flight to nowhere?

Shut in

I hate Edmonton
It's damnation
I'm in rumination.

Where forth shall I go?
I wish not to run slow.

What can I do here?
I know it's not beer,
But not always clear.

Stoking the fire doth make me aspire.
I know to be inspired leads me to the stars.
Yet, what's stopping me from jumping the bars?
What will it take for me to cut the wire?

07/17 Direct Link
How quickly the tide of events change. It seemed as if I would be stuck in Edmonton for another year, floundering in the ivory towers as a graduate student. Lack of summer employment opportunities here prompted me to seek it elsewhere. Through chance encounters between family and friends, I managed to snag a position in my old hometown of London. I worked as a school psychometrist for 2 months. Such a golden opportunity and invaluable experience. Not only that, but being among my family and old friends nourished my soul, especially after lonely droughts out west. Go east, old man!
07/18 Direct Link
How the World Could be Different

What if men could attain multi-orgasms?

What if women ruled the world?

What if dogs and cats evolved to human levels instead of apes?

What if the entire world was deaf?

What if we felt the urge to colonize inside our earth and the deepest oceans instead of space?

What if they taught masturbation as part of the school curriculum?

What if we could metamorph like Terminator-II could?

What if Buddhism dominated the world instead of Judeo-Christianity?

What if our shit tasted like candy?

What if Einstein's IQ was the norm?

Better or worse?

07/19 Direct Link
A glimmer of hope

Learning the ropes

At work in London.

Learning that one

Does not give in

Lest I never win.

I believe for now that I have found my calling, or opportunity, if you will. Screw being stuck only behind the screen without steady human contact! Working with people and doing my part to help ensure that they do not fall through the cracks in our screwed-up society energizes me. Going beyond myself keeps me from being in a rut. True, it'll be frustrating, but I believe I have what it takes. Remember: each year brings something new.

07/20 Direct Link
A Beautiful Mind

Truly an awestriking movie. Even though I knew its acclaimed reputation, I procrasinated watching it until my homefolks forced me to watch it with them. Like any excellent movie, time just flew so quickly. A most amazing and authentic insight into the world of schizophrenia. The power of our minds unmasked. Made me think: can we truly trust the visionaries if there are no others to verify their sightings? Those who see God or ghosts on their own…from inside or outside?

The power of love…the ability to overcome and to cope…those are definitely real and shared! Amen!

07/21 Direct Link
One late night in Vancouver, I searched for the correct bus depot to get back to UBC where I rented a room. Thanks to an aged hippie bookstore owner, I found it. Still can't remove his exhaled potbreath. I met a decrepit old man. My pity went out to him, so we got acquainted. We bantered back and forth about small facts of life there and in the bus. Just before he got off, he lingerly squeezed my arm as his eerie crazed eyes pierced me. Compassion for a grandfather figure transformed to revulsion and relief that he was gone.
07/22 Direct Link
"Don't hate on me."

Bullfuckingshit! Not only is the word "love" being misused these days. "Hate", a powerful negative word, is also being diluted. To those young punks who weep about being hated on, grow the fuck up and develop a deeper sense of self and life.

How could I hate you? You haven't really done anything to me. All you did was just annoy me, make yourself ridiculous, and blandly vex me with your superficial tripes. So what if I rolled my eyes up at you…snickered at your silliness? I don't hate overcoddled, overgrown spoilt infants that lack sense.

07/23 Direct Link
The violence within. The raging tiger aching to burst forth loose. I'm not alone in this. Almost all of us have those feelings, whether we know it or not. Fortunately, many of us have good self-control as well as genuine compassion for each other that staves off the beast.

Yet, there are those who have no self-control or lack ability to have compassion. They are the emotional retards. Like the mentally retarded, they need structure and help so that they are not a danger to us and themselves. They need not our blind hate…it helps nobody. Be strong and wise.

07/24 Direct Link
I have found a mission. Not talking about my psychology work. My recent experiences opened my eyes to one major barrier preventing feasible employment of many deaf people, especially in high level positions. Why? The lack of funding for interpreters and opencaptioning for deaf people who require them on part-time to full-time bases. Advocates and toothless laws insist that companies/agencies pay for the interpreting. Truthfully, is it realistic to expect companies to pay for 2 people when hiring one? Hard barrier to break down. Thus, I want with the help of others to establish a foundation to ensure these services.
07/25 Direct Link
As much as I deeply value the interpreting profession, there are some reforms needed that would help bridge the partnership between the Deaf community and interpreters. Many issues such as code of ethics, interpersonal courtesy, and better cultural awareness come to mind, but I want to focus on one thing here: fees. In Ontario, interpreters, even those not university-educated, make 35 to 60 dollars an hour. That's reasonable for freelance work. BUT, not so if working on a fulltime basis in one place. A Deaf social worker earning $25/hr needing a full-time interpreter making $40/hr. Something wrong with the picture?
07/26 Direct Link
My colleague, I'll call her Martina. Very brilliant and capable. Yet, overworked and underappreciated. Some of that is by her choice. She allows dominant men to pile up her work that would even burn out a robot. Once in a while, she would complain about this avalanche on her plate. With a wry grin, I point out that she has some control at least. In her heart, she's no doormat, but a raging tigress with plenty of bite. To deny that is to become depressed. I smell that…drives me crazy. Thankfully, she's now showing signs of baring her defiant teeth.
07/27 Direct Link
I, Marcus, bewearied of logging many miles on the desolate land, saw the stormy seas fitting my recent moods. I embraced the dark mystery of the ocean and its abyssmal depths. Row, row, row oer the maelstrom! Soon afterwards, I glimpsed a darkly sailing tower nearby. More fascinated than frightened, I oared over to the black ocean mammoth. So! A hulking ship...the rope ladder suddenly dropped over the starboard beckoning me welcome. Hesitatingly, I looked up...nothing...dared the unknown dangers...climbed up the rope steps. Hmm, just like any other large ship...but as I tapped my spiritual reservoir...I sensed an uneasy blackness.
07/28 Direct Link
"I wrote my greatest fear was that 'UNQUALIFIED AND UNSUITABLE PEOPLE MAY INVOKE MY AUTHORITY ONE DAY…HE KNOWS THAT GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND THE ACCIDENTS HE CAN BECOME A DISASTER AS WELL AS A BLESSING TO MANKIND.' what am I but a full-fledged disaster to humanity! Never in my wildest imagination could I have foreseen the annihilation of countless numbers of people, because of one madman who bastardized my teachings, my life! If I could, I'd burn all my insights, or better yet, lock them in an impenetrable safe where no unworthy man can snatch them!"

If Neitzsche lived today.

07/29 Direct Link
For me, it was not until I entered college where many deaf as well as hearing people merged that I discovered many dimensions about others and myself. Gone were the barbed wires that engulfed my spirit, before prevented from streaming freely where I walked. No awkwardness occurred because of not fully understanding each other. With some people, I signed fluently, and with others, I spoke orally while using visual cues. The sudden enrichment in this living experience brought me almost overwhelming bliss. Now, I was free to be his fuller self and to interact naturally with others. Barriers were non-existent.
07/30 Direct Link
First of all, what does natural science mean and what do investigators in this field seek while remaining within their proper boundaries? Natural sciences may approach the entire PHYSICAL universe as an object of investigation, but not all of the universe's attributes fall within the DOMAIN of scientific inquiry. Too often, scientists fall into the trap of asserting that natural science is capable of answering all questions about reality and that only meaningful answers are found by natural sciences. The natural science domains include 1) physical properties 2) physical behaviour 3) formative history 4) inherent intelligibility of the physical universe.
07/31 Direct Link
Privacy invasion is considered a form of aggression and it has been shown that observers consider the motive for the privacy invader's actions when making their moral judgements against the privacy invader. Lack of victim's awareness and higher level of malevolence of the privacy invader tend to bring about more harsh judgements. However, observers still regarded privacy invasion as a serious transgression in our society. Continued investigations can help verify the privacy values that people in different societies hold, and whether that set of values change over time. Thus, are we becoming more tolerant of George Orwell's famed 'Big Brother'?