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A girl who possesses the power of the world in her palms.
Holds the heat of the universe in her heart.
She’s got a spark in her eyes that rivals the sun and a breeze in her lungs that shakes an audience, like wind tramples trees. Like neon, she glows when excited; like a diamond, her own worst enemy is herself. She plucks a dandelion, closes her eyes, blows wishes for the seeds to grow healthily. She blows wishes for each seed to sprout a flower, so the next person who walks by can spread the same warmth.
When I was younger, I dreamt violently. Wedged between my parents, I would manage to turn a full 360 degrees. The morning sun crept into the room, revealing tiny feet resting on my pillow and arms spread like wings. When I settled into my teenage years, I slept more than I dreamt. My chin slid down my palm as I drifted off during class. Even during conversations, I couldn't snap myself awake. Now, I'm not really sure what I want, not really sure what I am doing, where I am going. Now, I'm trying to dream without stopping for rest.
A fire sign without the burn. A fire sign without the blaring screams and venomous sizzle. A boy with a quiet passion and distinct nonchalance. From the outside, he is acquainted with a chilling apathy. From those who know, he is simply too practical, too knowledgeable, to bother. An ambitious man, his plan B is stardom. He doesn't know failure, because he doesn't have time to meet her. A bat echoes as he drags it across the stage, he's got the audience in his fist and he doesn't let up. He refuses to be forgotten. Never again.
Presents my grandpa has given me:
For my last birthday he gave me a pink golf ball, my great grandmother's eulogy, and some cash. Just for fun, he gave me a copy of the play Lincoln's Whiskers and a bag of rocks he found in his yard. After he returned from Kansas he professed he had a present for my brother and I and handed us a SkyMall magazine from the plane. I've also received an abundance of self portraits, often duplicates, and an accordion style pamphlet of pictures ending with him getting spanked with a paddle in a restaurant.
When conversation fogs up an anticipating crowd, she clears the commotion with a single intake of breath. On stage, she conceals her true form. On stage, she does her job and does it well. Off stage, she is just as enticing as any written words she has brought to life. She is a fallen angel. She is a rising goddess. She provides a maternal comfort, a cozy wool hug wrapped up in just one knowing smile. The iron bones that keep her sturdy are protected by velvet skin. The obstacles she overcomes make her hard and soft.
The leaves don't change in Tampa, Florida. I've got on fuzzy socks and a turtle neck fending off the 60 degree weather, but at the end of the day, I am still rocking on a porch swing, staring down a bright green palm tree. The tip of my nose burns frozen, but that doesn't block the cigarette smoke pouring from my brother and his partner. The tips of my fingers frost over, but I still belatedly work on this assignment. The seasons shift, but our habits stay rooted, never wilt. The people don't change in Tampa, Florida.
I am supposed to register for classes soon and I am really dreading it. I do not like being a business major; every time I go to my intro class, I sit there and think to myself "wow, I do not want to do this for the rest of my life." I really want to switch my major to art, but I have to gain confidence in my work first. Even in high school I wanted to switch my major and now I feel like I have not grown enough as an artist. I hope I will make the change.
This Friday I am going up to Tallahassee to visit my best friend for the weekend. I can't wait to see her after months of being apart and it'll be interesting to experience the university lifestyle. I drew a picture of us for her and I'm excited to give it to her; she always brings me presents after trips and I'm happy to be able to reciprocate. I have to take a bus up there and I'm nervous. I have never traveled alone before, but the bus seems really nice. It has wifi so hopefully, I can get work done.
I do not really feel like writing anymore on here, but I have to so I can pass this class. Cranking out writing is difficult, I am more interested in putting work into what I write than just spilling diary entries, but I do not have time or energy to do otherwise. I want to be finishing my drawing for my friend, but I have to get this done instead. I'm really tired and also kind of just want to go to sleep. I wish I could easily motivate myself and improve my time management skills, but I am lazy.
I'm trying to crank some of these out during my ethics class, but I don't know what I wanna talk about. I think I'll just list some of the more outrageous responses my professor has received from students during a recent discussion.
The prof: How can we slow down the rate of mass shootings in America?
Student #1: We should punish the families of the shooter.
Prof: But the families are innocent.
Student #1: Yes and so are the victims, this will be more of an incentive.
Student #2: If people stopped watching porn and prayed, gun violence would end!
For my birthday this year, I received tickets to see my favorite band, BROCKHAMPTON, this January with my brother. I don't get the opportunity to go to concerts often, so I am incredibly appreciative to see my favorite artists. I hope they perform Junky, Sweet and a song from their first album. They are dropping an album, titled Saturation 3, prior to the tour, so I am anticipating the new songs. During their last album, they dropped a music video for a song Saturation 3, titled Follow. My brother and I thoroughly enjoyed that track, so we have high hopes.
I am visiting my mother for Christmas this year; it will be our first time celebrating it together in while. I have mixed emotions on spending time with her and that side of my family, but mostly I nervous about spending time in Ponca City, Oklahoma. Ponca City is an extremely small town in the middle of no where and makes me feel claustrophobic. There are legit cowboys everywhere and I can't help but feel out of place. I hate knowing that everyone knows everyone, considering the reputation my family most likely still holds. But I do miss my mom.
I need to finish a painting I have started a few months ago. My ability to motivate myself, when it comes to art, fluctuates heavily. I wish I could be more consistent, but forcing inspiration can worsen my ability to focus. I know I have gotten better than how I was a few years ago, so I am at least proud of that accomplishment. I have a vision for the direction I want the painting to go, I just need to take the step. I would finish this thought, but I am currently being called to eat dinner with family.
I miss a lot of my high school friends. Not enough to want to go back to high school, or even enough to be sad, but I still like to appreciate the memories. Some of the things I miss are:
Walking to Eddie n Sam's before performances.
Hanging out in the parking garage before school.
My acting's class family.
Volunteering together and attending art galleries/performances.
Tijuana Flats and Humane Society dates.
How extreme people would be for spirit week.
I waited until last minute to do most of these entries and now I have to shove so many things into a few hours! (I know it is literally all my fault I'm not complaining I just do not know what else to talk about.) Here is a list of things I have to do(or want, not all of these are necessary, that's why I am finishing the entries first) before I leave town tomorrow:
Clean up my room.
Finish the drawing.
Pack & paint nails.
Wash my hair.
Today I ate a Sante Fe wrap at HCC and steak, salad, and garlic bread at home with my family. I am an extremely indecisive person, so I am not particularly good at choosing favorites, but I am currently trying to narrow in on my favorite food. I am a big fan of sushi, especially sushi with tuna, and I also enjoy Tex Mex. I started a tradition with my friends to go to Tijuana Flats together all the time. I always get the cheese enchiladas, because I eat way too much cheese. I haven't been there in awhile though.
List of things I want to do with Alessa in Tallahassee:
Beat her at pool.
Beat her at beer pong. (But totally not actual beer.)
Explore the university's campus and try local restaurants.
Go to my first tailgate.
Try to enjoy going to a club, because I know she likes them.
Meet all of the new friends she has made.
Enjoy homecoming weekend an participate in the school's activities. (Other than actually going to the game, I do not like sports at all.)
The end of my first semester of college is approaching and I feel a little weird. This year has gone by extremely fast, part of my wants it to but there is still a stressful element to that. I am glad I got high school over with and I have no remorse for that flying by, but I still feel lost with college. I keep having people telling me it is fine to be lost and not know what I want to do, but at the same time, people keep demanding answers from me. I feel like doors are shutting.
I am turning nineteen in less than a month. Nineteen is going to be interesting, I do not associate much with that age. It will be my last year as a teenager and a weird in between where people expect me not be a child but refuse treat me as an adult. I am not really ready to be an adult, anyway. I will be halfway to 38 and only getting older. Which is fine. I have no clue where I see myself in five years, let alone 19. Alessa's birthday is twenty two days afterwards and that'll be fun.
Having issues with your physical health sucks a lot. I've something happening right now and I don't think it is detrimental enough to seek medical help at the moment, but my hesitance to do so is probably passed on from my parents. (Also I do not have a lot of money or insurance so I don't want to seek help and then get charged for something minor that could potentially just go away.) This sounds kind of dramatic, I think I'll be fine.This has reminded me that I take my health for granted and I should appreciate it more.
I really don't like my biology class, mostly because of the professor. He says casually sexist things way too frequently and is extremely unorganized in his lessons. Every time he says something sexist, he prefaces it with "not to be politically incorrect, but," and I do not understand why, because it doesn't change that what he says When differentiating metals and nonmetals, he told us to remember that boys are metals and girls are nonmetals, because "boys are strong and girls are softer... well girls are strong... but in a different way." I felt like I traveled back in time.
One of my favorite classes is sociology, but it also has it's downfalls. My professor is exactly who you would expect a sociology professor to be: he has a man bun, scruff, and is writing a book on legalizing marijuana. I enjoy the class, but he has missed six classes and is always behind on grading. He said we would cut out documentaries in the lesson plan to make up for hurricane days and his absences, but we watched one last week. The day we returned after watching the documentary, he immediately commented on us being behind. It was ridiculous.
Recently, I rearranged the furniture in my room and I feel like a brand new woman. I find it strange how different changing your environment, even slightly, can make you feel, but it's also liberating. I love change a lot, I can't believe how many people are scared of it. I understand the fear of the unknown, but it's sad when people avoid progress to feel comfortable. I love watching vlogs or girls on youtube cutting their hair short. It's nice experiencing other people defy expectations & let go of what else they had attached to something as trivial as hair.
I'm approaching the end of these (somewhat) and I am struggling to come up with topics! The majority of these are been pretty lackluster and I am finding it hard, as they are dwindling down, to find topics that are not too personal, but I can still go on about them for 100 words. I am currently getting a weird sense of deja vu with this project though. I feel like i had a dream a long time ago about having to do this and not wanting to, which is still pretty accurate. I can't wait to get this done.
I am writing an essay for this class arguing that Florida needs to change its abstinence only sex education system. I was inspired, because my experience with sex education here was so awful I still remember from freshman year of high school. I knew the lesson would be off when the pastor of a church I went to as a kid walked in to teach. The most memorable part was when he called down one girl and a bunch of guys (a deliberate move) and stuck a piece of tape to the girl's arm and
to be continued.
The pastor proceeded to stick the tape to the rest of the guys' arms. As he stuck the tape to each arm, it collected hairs and became less sticky. When he reached the last boy, he asked the student if he wanted the tape; the boy said no. The pastor then used this to explain that the more sex women have, the less attractive they become and the less able they are to attach to other (the tape barely held onto their skin by the end.) It was honestly horrific and I cannot believe that was allowed to be taught.
Some other stand out moments from the sex education class is when the pastor spoke about how shameful it would be to have to tell your parents your pregnant (he even talked about how much your parents would not like you afterwards) despite there being a visibly pregnant student there. He even sympathized with teenage boys who want to have sex, because it is "in there nature," but said girls who want to usually have issues with their dads. He even made up an illogical story about crabs to add a fear element into why we need to avoid sex.
A moment in high school I really enjoyed was Too Much Light Makes aBaby Go Blind. It was how my acting class ended our 8th grade year & how my senior class ended as well. We all came together and wrote skits, and despite the fights and struggles to do everything on our own, we put on an amazing show. I even wrote a piece that made it into the show. I compiled pictures of everything written on ever bathroom stall in the school (even in the office) and had students read them as if it was poetry (After some censoring.)
Another enjoyable skit to do for Too Much Light was When I Grow Up. Alessa wrote the scene and it involved the whole class. The skit started as the class being announced at a talent show for kindergarteners about to perform When I Grow Up. We danced to When I Grow Up from Matilda shortly, before a a record scratch and a track change to When I Grow Up by The PussyCat Dolls. We even incorporated actual choreography from the original music video. It was difficult to learn, because we didn't have much time and I'm not a good dancer.
A crowd favorite from Too Much Light was Amish Strip Club. All of the girls in the class pulled our hair to our chin and made a pony tail to resemble beards and acted stoic as Summer played the stripper. Amish music played in the background as she stripped off a long sleeved, floor-length dress to reveal another long sleeved, floor-length dress. She also had a butter churn to use as an innuendo and pulled up her dress to reveal an ankle, resulting in one of the men fainting. The crowd laughed so hard, Summer broke her character.
I am so glad I am on the last entry! It will be relieving to have these all finished so I can get my other tasks done. Hopefully, I can learn from this and not procrastinate next time, but I am in college and still have not grown out of that habit. It is freeing to know I will not have to worry about this again and I am glad that I did not procrastinate as much as Luke did and I do not have to worry about doing one for next month. I am ready to take a shower!
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