02/01 Direct Link
This semester has started amazing for me so far. I enjoy learning. I am definitely getting to meet many different kinds of people as well as personalities. Since I was 16 i have been keeping a journal about poetry of different personalities I meet. I may not know the people I write about but I still do write about them. For the people i do know i don't mention their name I tend to just describe the personality. I also try to compare the person to a natural object of nature weather its good or bad. For example, I use fruits as a way to describe a personality.
02/02 Direct Link
Today like no other is breezy, Waiting for the sun to shine in this darkness. I feel nothing but the pain cancer plays with my family like a game. First my Aunt, Then my Mother , then my Grandmother and now my Nalah. My dog the girl who has my heart; She can barely walk because its crept up on her spine. I try to sit here and act like its fine but at the end of the days its not. I know god wants her now but shes mine. They have to put her to sleep this weekend so this is goodbye.
02/03 Direct Link
Tommorow is th day my Nalah has to be put down. It feels like it all blew up in face. last week she was diagnosed with cancer. Now God wants to take her from me. I have nothing but take care of her and love her. Why me God? Why now when i cant go to New York to see her? What have i done to you? The worst part is i cant even say goodbye to my baby. The tears cant stop rolling down my eyes. I try and drink to forget but it doesn't get any better, why me ?
02/04 Direct Link
Today is the day the want to put my baby down. I call and ask "why now bro? is she that bad?" he says to me "If you see the way she is you would breakdown". I am already broken down thats what you dont know. i sit around and wait minute after minute. Hour after hour and finally get a phone call. All i hear is tears in the background forcing mines to come out, "its done" he says to me. I ask myself "does god exist? Did he even listen to my prayers?". The only i was thinking that moment was i cant depend on anybody but myself.
02/05 Direct Link
I still went to work yesterday, not even as happy as i should have been at the fact i bought my first car. Simply because i feel empty nothing is bringing that feeling of fulfillment back. A i sat in the car i noticed the sun beam on me as if she was sending me a message from above, or maybe i wanted to think it was that. It happened fast it beamed on me then it went away. All i ask is that she watch over us. We will see each other soon baby girl, And you can lick my face as much as you want. Love you Nalah.
02/06 Direct Link
Today i woke up wishing everything that happened was a dream. The pain, the sorrow, Feels like we lost apart of our team. This feeling has me wanting to drink so liquor or maybe some lean. To take the feeling away but the more i drink the more i think about her. Beautiful personality and soft fur. Nobody can replace her in my heart. She is stuck in there she holds a part the one that was shattered when i heard the news just really could not believe it was true. She was stuck on me like glue. She lives in my heart now.
02/07 Direct Link
Healing from this pain is hard but i'm trying to keep a tunnel vision and continue to gain. I have been grinding not for fame but for the simple fact that i don't want to be a regular lame dude from the Bronx. I want to be different in every aspect of life all the people i know are mean i'm nice, i try to think outside the box but its so hard when everyone around is trying to keep me in. I am trying to get some space to breathe to live free and just simple be me but that's no how the world works.
02/08 Direct Link
As i begin to see color again after losing a part of my heart i feel selfish. I am beginning to learn to live without her and it just does not feel right.I do not want to sit here and let myself get into a deep depression. It feels different video calling to New York and not having my dog there she is truly missed. I promised myself i will do everything in my life for her. I know she is watching over myself and my family. I hit a home run for her on Tuesday at my baseball game, it was a good feeling.
02/09 Direct Link
Today was a calm and relaxed day at school. I am pretty much ahead on all of my work. I set a pace for myself to keep organized. It feels a lot better when i get ahead of my work since i set schedule for myself. It makes me feel like i am confirming i am true to my word. I got my first parking ticket today for parking in the freight truck parking spot. I was in such a rush to get to class that i did not even pay attention to the parking spot i was in and got the ticket.
02/10 Direct Link
I suddenly am beginning to appreciate life so much more. I just woke up one day and actually thank god for letting me wake up. I suddenly felt the need to reconnect with people i stopped talking to and just apologized for dropping them. Also, i suddenly wanted to forgive everyone that hurt me. My life has moved in another direction after the death of my dog. She has made me a stronger man. A man that hold no more grudges. Furthermore i have actually enjoyed eating pizza now, for some weird reason. I never actually liked any type of pizza.
02/11 Direct Link
Today the sun shines bright. I woke up to a light in my face. It smelled like summer for some reason. It wasn't one of those cold mornings either. It was a nice warm day. I must have felt so good because it was my first baseball game of the season. I have been training hard. Attending the gym twice a day and having baseball practice once every other day. While at the same time maintaining my school work and consistency in class and attendance. Usually when i was in high school baseball was my excuse to miss school alot.
02/12 Direct Link
My work schedule recently has been very inconsistent. All i know is i have not been receiving the same type of hours. At the same time i'm the only guy who actually said yes to working Sundays. I don't think anyone would like to work on Sundays at 9 am in the morning. It's frustrating but i have been on the hunt for another job. I tried working Post mates which is a delivering company but i truly don't like it, it's not for me. I need to take a trip back to New York to see mt family soon.
02/13 Direct Link
Feb 13th 2016 the day my life changed. Today i finally had the heart to communicate with ex girlfriend. My nick name for her is Mels although her actual name is Melanie. I hurt her badly. I cheated on her. In all honesty i regret it. I have lived in regret ever since that day. Suddenly, i felt the need to change that. Everything around me seems to be going to so good, but my heart still seems colorless or maybe its just numb. The moment she responded to my message in such a forgiving manner my heart felt something.
02/14 Direct Link
Forgiveness is the key to lasting relationships in my opinion. Although in all honesty i have never been one to forgive. It might just be due to slight insecurities i had in the past. There are certain situations in which you can forgive. There are also situations in which are unforgivable. For the most part relationships cannot last without forgiveness. It's in human nature to make mistakes no one is perfect. Also people tend to give up easily. As soon as the relationship is put to the test. Things start to change and some individuals cant handle the that feeling.
02/15 Direct Link
I try not to think on the future; Although i have a plan set. Lately i have been living in the moment and actually enjoying it very much. I noticed i let so much time pass in front of me stressing what comes next. I have been enjoying many moments in this time. My insecurities have held me back but i stopped going the same direction as this generation and began going my own way. That's has changed a lot for me. This generation made me very materialistic but, i found ways to avoid that and love myself for who i am.
02/16 Direct Link
I'm slowly noticing that i only love my first love. She has my heart and i am beginning to feel like i cant stop loving her. We had our issues and i take all the blame for that. For some reason i try to see her through every female. It's hard to move on. At one point i thought i lost her forever. The thought of losing her killed me on the inside. I don't know how to love anybody else or at least i continue to tell myself that. She opened my heart to actual feelings and that may have scared me.
02/17 Direct Link
She has the softest touch The sweetest smell nobody has my heart like this girl Mels i fell for her i fell so steep never thought i could get back because i fell so deep until this day im scarred by love she is the only one that can give me kisses and hugs my first, to make love but i accept after all she never holds a grudge she accepts me for who i am never judged being so far away feels like a tug it tugs my hear out my chest this is to Mels i had to confess.
02/18 Direct Link
Sitting here thinking, is this what i want? I always ask myself that question. In my life i make sure anyone and everyone around me is there because i want them there. Anything i do has to have a purpose. I wasted too much time on unnecessary people and unnecessary task. I am now headed down the right path. This path so far has shown me how to become a man. A man with great timing and a plan. I will always be myself never a fan. I am a leader not a follower. This is my morning speech to myself.
02/19 Direct Link
She carried me for 9 months She loved me and fed me for 19 years just a young women with no fear she had 2 little ones running around but she always held her head up never down she gave me everything i ever asked even if she didn't have it she made it happen this women made a man on her own no father but also no father issues just a young man who accepted the amazing women celebrations on mothers and fathers day for this women she is a super hero, super women, my mother and father to Sandy i love you.
02/20 Direct Link
Not great at expressing feelings with anyone but Mels. Never had the greatest relationship when it came to expression feelings with my mother. I always bottled up the emotions. I thought i could be strong and let them pass me. But they stick on me, i feel the weight of everything on my shoulders. I always have to be in control of situations i do not trust anyone else's judgment nor gut feeling. Up until this day it has kept me out of trouble and alive. Especially coming from rough neighborhoods in the Bronx and Harlem it was never easy.
02/21 Direct Link
Today i hit 2 home runs at my baseball game. Truly made me feel like hard work does pay off. Sometimes i did not believe that. I did not believe that because when playing baseball you can get into bad slumps. You can be the best player out there and still be in a bad slump. Most likely because of your mental attitude or just because you are not seeing the ball well. I have done a great job keeping my head clear of stress. Keeping my surroundings positive and just keeping myself in great physical shape in order to perform.
02/22 Direct Link
Human beings are not perfect. Humans have a natural instinct of insecurity. Well at least i believe in this generation everyone is very judgmental and materialistic. That has really made me appreciate everything i have. Growing up i never had much but i was always fed and had clothes on my back. That means a lot to me. That has really came a long way for me. Truthfully i believe people should be judged on the information in their brains not the clothes they have on. People should be judged on their capability to love others not to hate on others.
02/23 Direct Link
The amount of self discipline i have for myself is great. I know that life is not fair so i don't cut myself any slack. I do not ask for favors nor hand outs. For example if i am behind in school i catch up i ask maybe for make up work but, if it is not possible i do not hassle the professor. In this world right now i see many parents cut their children slack and baby them. Nobody out there is going to give your child handouts. All these jobs are up for grabs. Survival of the fittest.
02/24 Direct Link
I knew this man who always went out and tried to find love. Not knowing that he didn't even love himself. He never knew the kind of style he liked on himself. Constantly changing his hairstyle. That led me to notice he is not content with the way he was at the moment. He struggled with sharing his emotions with females. Even just showing pure emotions and affections with females. This man was a family man showed love to his family and his friends. It seems to me like he struggles letting new people in his life may be due to fear.
02/25 Direct Link
It's been a while since we spoke. I listened to her voice and it just instantly made my heart drop. It was almost as if i was back in that time zone. I felt like we were back in our prime, like i never hurt her. In my mind i was begging that she didn't bring up the past or me hurting her. I knew eventually it would happen but just not as soon as it did. I always told myself "you owe it to her, to give her an explanation." I just didn't know how to tell her i cheated.
02/26 Direct Link
I have never felt so comfortable in my life. As if i have everything i need around me. It may be due to the fact i learned that materialism does not make me content. Good people, real love and friendships makes me content and complete. This whole year i have been working on reviving relationships or just sort of putting closure to previous friendships/relationships that did not end well. All i have been wanting to do is expand my mind and my heart. I have been more open to hearing people out even the ones who hurt me in the past.
02/27 Direct Link
True happiness lies within. I have heard that line so many times but never understood it. I see all these rappers with money and i ask myself is that real happiness? To me i just never seem to fit. True happiness for me is seeing everyone around me doing good. My family and friends happy and appreciating life. Traveling the world with my love is what seems like true happiness to me. Experiencing new cultures and ways of life. I want to travel the whole starting with Europe this summer. I have a list of 100 fears i will complete this summer.
02/28 Direct Link
Jordan Peele's movie Get Out is absolutely my favorite of 2017 so far. This movie has so much truth to it. It is very modern in ways of showing racism. It's unique in the sense that most movies that include racism usually include extreme violence. Most movies that include racism also sometimes tend to be very sad. The way Jordan was able to put racism in a thriller fashion was amazing directing skills. This movie honestly is the kind of thriller this country should have people watching. Also he sends a message about getting brainwashed and hypnotized it was genius.