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I've always thought that I'm a pretty confident person. Then Gordon is single again and I'm just too chicken to do anything about it. Confident? Perhaps, but not when it comes to guys.
My room looks like something blew up, and I'm supposed to be packing. Moving is really stressful, but it means I'll be closer to my friends and school, and I'll be a block away from Gordon! I keep reminding myself of that every time I start to whine about packing. Just think… a block away from Gordon's house.
It's hard not to get distracted thinking about Gordon...
I finally buy a cd burner, and I can't figure the fucking thing out. It doesn't come with instructions, which was fine cuz it was pretty much plug it in, pop the floppy in, pop the cd in, and go. However, once I get to the actual burning part, things go awry. I figure out how to do it everything fine, and hit ‘Write', and ten minutes later it tells me the burn was successful. Then I pop the CD in my player and get a big fat ‘NO DISK'. Well fan-fuckin-tastic, just what I needed. I'm going to bed.
I am feeling moody. This is not a test: I really
feeling moody. No surprise, since I'm a 16 year old female. Damn these hormones…
Ever wondered how things could be if you changed just one small thing in the past? What if you told that person what you really meant; would they still consider you a friend? What if you didn't chicken out, and went to that place you were going? Would you have met the love of your life? What if you bought that one thing you wanted, ate that one last chocolate, stole that sweet kiss…
There's something about my Spanish class that makes me sleepy. No matter how engrossed I am in the lesson, I still find my lids growing heavy by the minute. It's something about the grade 10 PE class outside, and how the window is always open. Throughout the lesson, happy shouts and the sound of pounding feet floats in with the clear cold air. The need to be outside fights with the desire to put my head on my desk and sink into blessed oblivion. What a great background for learning a new language... Can't I have just a tiny nap?
Have you ever been in one of those moods when the only appropriate word to describe anything about yourself is 'bleh'? You feel bleh, you look bleh, everything you say is bleh, your love life is bleh, and school/work is bleh. Even my room is absolutely, totally
I don't really know what I'm writing, and I'm sure it sounds stupid. Ah well, right now I'm feeling kind of stupid as well as bleh, so there we go. I figure I'll just type until some sense comes out of my tapping fingertips.
This could take a long time…
Right about now I feel:
In short, I feel like a teenaged girl.
‘What do sandals have to do with anything,' you may be asking. Well, nothing really. My mind went blank so I got someone to throw me an idea, and I got hit with a sandal. So sandals it is.
I have never been a big fan of sandals. I mean, I own a few pairs and in the summer it's sometimes just too hot for shoes, but otherwise they kind of annoy me. Perhaps it's because I once sliced my foot open wearing sandals in metalworking in school (yes I realise how stupid that was…)
So in conclusion: sandals.
I love the way he smiles. His whole face lights up and his eyes twinkle. His gorgeous eyes… every time I look into them I have to make an effort to keep my mouth from hanging open. I love the way he looks when he's confused. I want to wrap him in my arms and tell him everything's alright when he's upset. Oh to hold him in my arms… I love the way he laughs, when the twinkle jumps back into his eyes. I love the way he shrugs with that tiny little smile.
My right arm for the courage…
Finally… the move!! All we have to do is unpack now!!
I can't find the pillowcases and there's a big pile of everything imagineable in the corner which is
to be a sofa… but it's all good cause we're finally moved.
Now excuse me while I crawl in the closet, curl up into a tiny ball, pile blankets over myself, and never come out. Ever. Wait… what about food? D'oh! I'll have to come out to eat, and use the bathroom. Of course, I can do that at night. HAH! I'm a genius.
Or just really tired…
Where's the beef?
Right now I'm having a bit of a problem with sleeping… I haven't tried to yet, but I don't feel tired enough to give it a whirl. Luckily I have no school tomorrow… I CAN stay up as late as I want. How about I be incoherent for awhile…
Fuzzy bunny fruit horse eats my purple noggin sleeve. Eat noodle pants in the sofa closet book.
And that's enough incoherent for now.
I have random snatches of songs stuck in my head. I'd rather not type them, cause then they'll really be stuck for good.
She sat on her perch
Looking out at sea
Memories running behind her eyes
Land was earthen
Oceans were dry
Shores were stone and rock
She sat on her perch
Heart heavy with tears
Eyes closed with misery
She blew great sigh
The winds of her sorrow
Grinding rocks into sand
Her tears flowed
Filling hole in ground
Creating salty ocean
She leaves her perch
Descends onto shore
Her sadness' creation
She walks, heart beat
Making beat of waves
Soul lost in clear salt dance
She looks out at horizon
Diving, her body melts in clear salt dance.
I was baptised as a young girl. I pray when I feel the need. I feel awe, respect, and a sense of spirit in the wind, the rain, the sun, the sea, and nature in general. I watch the rain, the sea, the clouds, the snow, and see the face of god. I feel the wind, the rain, the snow, and feel the touch of god. I hear the wind, the rain, the sea, and hear the voice of god.
My god is love, my god is beauty, my god is acceptance, and my god is gentleness, serenity, and kindness.
I felt creative tonight and choreographed the section of my dance that I gave to Nicole, since she's taking too long. Besides, she has her dance to worry about.
I love my dance, but the song has started to drive me crazy; which happens a lot when you do a dance to a song you like, especially if you choreographed it. By the time you're performing or sooner, you groan every time you hear the first few bars and turn it off. It gets to where you pick songs you don't like just so your favourites won't die on you.
It's amazing what I've discovered now that my internet isn't working. Apparently I'm addicted to it, since I'm actually going through withdrawals. It's my main source of entertainment, communication, music, and information. Now that I don't have it, I almost feel crippled in my lack of all that. It's actually really kind of pathetic when you think about it.
I know I'll have billions of random porn and other junk in my e-mail when I finally get the connection back on-line, but hopefully my folder won't be so full that I can't get the e-mails I actually do want. Hopefully…
It's amazing how soon, in a potentially creepy situation, you get really freaked. Walking home from school yesterday, I got to the wooded part that normally takes me around ten minutes. This was the first time I walked through those woods alone, and it was overcast and later than usual… it was pretty damn dark. I kept ‘hearing' noises behind me and got freaked, so went really fast and ended up going through in four minutes flat. Then this morning I was freaked again so I shaved ten minutes off my total walking-to-school time. Gordon made fun of me… (*teehee*)
I know Gordon just came out of a long relationship and more than likely doesn't want anything right now. Fortunately, I'm content to give him time. What's a few months compared to the three years I've waited already?
Now apparently one of my guy friends, Finney, has a thing for me. Oh great, another thing to have to ponder. I mean, he's really nice and I like him as a friend, but I don't think I'd go out with him. However, I am going to give it some thought.
So many things to ponder, so little time. Not really but…
I just came close to missing a day for the first time. I was lying in bed, warm, comfortable, and half-asleep. I was thinking about going to The Two Towers on opening night, which brought me to my friends going to Harry Potter on opening night. Then I was trying to figure out when it opening by counting back the days, which wasn't working cause I wasn't sure what day it is today. Then it hit me: it's the 17th, and I haven't done my words yet! I leaped out of bed, grabbed my book and pen, and wrote this.
Once more, I am without Internet. If this is going to be a regular occurrence, I'll have to consider having a nervous breakdown, or a fit, or something to that extent. You know you're truly a child of the ‘next generation' (Generation Y or the Echo-Boomers as some call us) when you are totally lost without the internet.
Oh the Advent Calendar beckons… my mom takes some sort of sadistic pleasure from buying me chocolate at around mid-November, then forbidding me to eat any until December, and even then to have only one a day. She is very so EVIL!
Someone suggested I put that in, so I did.
I guess I should be completely honest… I missed my words yesterday so I'm catching up today. (It's actually the 20th…)
Love life update: Gordon's dating someone. They look really adorable together and I'm happy for them both… which is weird cause when he and Lindsay (the year-long relationship that ended a little while ago) started going out, I wasn't too happy. I guess I'm starting to fade my crush out slowly, which is good news for me since he's now attached. So yay for them, and for me.
So I met one of Ted's friends, Travis, on Sunday… or Saturday… and he's pretty cool. I'm chatting with him now.
So yeah we just had an hour long conversation, and now I'm rather tired and wanting to go to bed.
I returned my broken burner and got an internal one, and I'm gonna get the technician guys at Future Shop to install it for me cause I'm kind of a computer dunce. So yeah, I'll finally have a working burner! Woohoo!
I'm sleepy. Perhaps I should go to bed soon. Yes, I think I will do that now.
Sometimes I just sit and wonder. I wonder what other people are thinking at that particular moment in time. I wonder if some people, who think they're cool because they do the stupid things they do, actually believe that's so. Perhaps they don't think enough. Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do. Then I wonder that, if I could change the way things happen, would I actually do so? Sometimes I wonder what people truly think of me. Do all my friends have little things about me that annoy them, as I do about some of them?
I'm confused about Ted, my ex-boyfriend now friend. Just recently we've gotten closer; before we were just sort of friends. We pretty much talk every night, for hours. I was at his house tonight, and I realized how comfortable I feel around him. I don't feel so… able to be myself with any guy other than him. We spent an hour or two in the hot tub, and now I don't know… do I like him or not? Does he like me or not? Do I have the courage to ask him out? It seems I never have the courage.
Ted was over today. I just don't know anymore. Why can't everything in life be obvious? That would be great, if everything just made sense all the time. There wouldn't be so much confusion and stress about everything.
I think, after 3 years and a bit, my crush on Gordon has finally faded. I'm pretty sure it's still kind of there, but that's the thing. It's just sort of there. Before he was on my mind a LOT of the time. Now I'm just puzzling over this whole Ted thing. Ah, the amusing (in retrospect) life of a teenaged girl…
I overslept yet again. Yesterday I slept only an hour later than my alarm, but today I slept til noon. D'OH! I really meant to wake up earlier and do my biology homework. Ah well, it'll be done by Tuesday. I hope…
I saw Harry Potter today. The second one I mean. It was pretty good, although Taegan was talking super loud and I had to keep shushing her. Otherwise it was good.
24 days until The Two Towers comes out! I'm so excited about seeing it opening night! I don't think I'll be able to wait…
Ted's still confusing.
Someonelikesyou.com is evil! It sends you this email saying "someone likes you" then tells you to go to *this* link and fill in the emails of people you like or think like you. Then after you add a specific number of addresses, it gives you a bunch of clues, one per person. Then you add a bunch more addresses, and it gives you one more clue per person. This keeps going for a while, the clues get "better", until a certain number of addresses. They run out of clues, and you're left intrigued and thoroughly confused. How evil is that?!
I was just about to start writing with the word 'so', and I realized how often I do that.
Anyways, Ted asked me out last night, just as we were saying goodnight. WOOHOO! That definitely solves my dilemna…
Oh yeah… I said yes. *Teehee* I couldn't stop giggling and dancing while washing up and couldn't fall asleep for a while because I was thinking so much.
Half my friends were amazed, but the closer ones weren't surprised at all. Jess was so proud that she "called" us getting back together months ago.
It's amazing how much happier I am now.
I am so mentally exhausted right now. I started late with Acting, had a 2 hour break, then Spanish and Physics. Physics ruined my day cause we did Vectors stuff and it was rather confusing. And THEN I had dance rehearsal and I was teaching my choreography for 2 hours straight, to a bunch of hyperactive drama people. That was entirely NOT fun. I wasn't in the mood for teaching, and the high energy people I was teaching weren't helping my mood much. However, we did get a lot done and it'll look awesome when it's taught and polished. Hurrah!
I really don't feel like going to ballet right now, but if I miss a class I have to take a make-up class sometime, and I'd be missing two that I would have to take later… and I just don't want to go through all that hassle for 2 hours' laziness. After class I'm always happy I went, so I'll just suck it up and go. It'll help me towards lessening my procrastination/laziness… All day long it's "I'd do this but then I'd have to get up", or something to that extent. It's a wonder that I'm not immensely fat…
I've just recently realized that, except of course for my dad and my brother, I have never felt so comfortable around a guy than I do around Ted. I can sit and chat with him for hours and never nervously ponder what I'm going to say next. I even find our silences comfortable. I feel that really shows two people care about each other… when you can sit there, shut the fuck up, and not feel the need to fill the silence with inane chatter. I guess that means we care about each other…
Two Towers Opening Countdown: 18 days!
If only forbidden things were not so tempting… Ruth baked a pie and forbade anyone to eat it, because we're having guests later and it's for dessert. The biggest factor of my temptation: the pie is APPLE! Warm, gooey, sweet yet spicy, rich apple pie. My favourite kind, tied with pumpkin. I could eat apple pie all day and not get sick of it. And she says there may not be any left for me and Ian! Quelle horreur! J'espère que c'est un mensonge... Mais oui, j'espère. (Basic translation: What horror! I hope it's a lie… But yes, I hope.)
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