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I can draw your portrait, would you like that? I'm really good and really fast, and I draw a great Pegasus if you're into that. I told him that I was on my way to apply for a job at the restaurant down the street, but maybe on the way back up. He said I should take the help wanted sign down, run in and scream "I'm your girl!" I smiled and said maybe I would. I took a different route home, I didn't want to know how he saw me, I didn't want to see myself through his eyes.
Gossiping really is a sign of shallowness. I know this because when I find myself talking about others it's because I can think of nothing else to say. That's sad that I can think of nothing better to talk about than other people sometimes. From this point on, I don't care if I have to not talk at all, I'm going to halt these gross conversations.
Josh and I talked for awhile tonight, he's an atheist, he wanted to know what my beliefs are. Is it alright to say "I don't know, but I believe in more than just me"?
Someone referred to me as a musician today and it caught me off, I'd never thought of myself like that. Music is always just something I've done and enjoyed doing. We're so busy putting other people into groups that we forget to do this to ourselves. I've thought about it, and I guess I really am a musician. Dr. Power asked me what my motivation to sing is, that stirred a lot of ideas. The answer is that it's a need, some people are addicted to nicotine, or sex, I'm addicted to music- it drives all my actions and thoughts.
I needed a folder tonight, and I happened to run into Josh outside smoking-he offered to take me to a store. I feel awful for the snap judgement I made on him, he's one of the most interesting people I've met here. There's this big glaring mystery behind him, it makes me want to crawl into his mind so I can know where he's been and what's happened to him. What are these feelings pooling in my stomach? I'm so tired of fake people, I want someone real. Someone who feels both the good and the bad, someone who's alive.
Today I acted as the subject of some grad student's psychology research, studying adolescents, specifically college freshmen. The research involves numerous interviews and dorm observations. The conversation quickly drifted away from "How do you like Utah" to the point where we were discussing issues and ideas like real adults. They were amazed that I'm only 17, they were extremely interested in my thoughts about the world, people, and me. What a great sensation. It's nice to have the feeling that other people are interested in my life, even people I don't really know. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.
I was so excited to go camping this evening, I've been looking forward to it all week. We got to camp, set up our tents, ate dinner, and then the rain came. It was so heavy that they decided they wanted to come back to campus. Disappointing, but the night was not demolished. I ran into Pocahontas and Paul Michael, they invited me to watch a movie. Paul Michael played his guitar for me, what a kind spirit he has, after he graduates this year he's off to Africa to teach English. He asked me to teach him music theory.
Tonight we went to hear a classical accordion concert, it was actually really quite beautiful. It was very hard to convince people to go with me, even my mom laughed when I told her. Finally Megan agreed. Then we watched Amelie, a very nice movie.
I talked to Kirsten today, it felt kind of off. I suppose I knew that some of my relationships would fall apart when I moved, and surprisingly I am okay with that prospect. It's not that I don't love these people, but we're getting older, we're growing up. I wonder which relationships will withstand this.
Things are getting busy, some days my classes start at 8:35 in the morning and don't end until 8:30 in the evening. You know how kids can be doing a million things at once and they don't stop to dwell on all the things they do? They don't because they are having fun with everything they do, remember how mom used to make you eat peas through an "airplane"? It worked because it was suddenly fun to eat from this flying spoon. Whatever you have to do, have fun with it! Never get so serious you lose delight in living.
My first date in college, if they all go like this I will be the happiest person in the world. Cory and I went to see Paquito D'Rivera tonight, it was pretty awesome, his cellist stole the show though. Walking home yielded a pretty awesome conversation, I really enjoy his company. I wish more people were so alive and joyful, I cling to people that make me enjoy life. The people that make me feel happy with a big warm feeling in the middle of me that make me want to jump up and down and give everyone a hug.
Josh is drinking himself further into his depression, tonight he sat on my futon telling me about his latest cause for depression. He feels as if his life is pointless and has no meaning, why does he feel like that? He tried to tell me that my life is pointless as well. He eventually left to drink some more, I wanted to stop him. As he left I took his hand, looked him in the eye and said "Don't do anything stupid tonight, if for no other reason because I honestly care about you." I wonder if he believed me.
There was no red white and blue for me today, nor did I attend a rally or even a vigil. I was going to sing at the vigil on campus, but as I was leaving I realized I needed to do something else. I walked in the rain for awhile, just looking at the mountains and observing the world around me. I've always had problems with falling into little bouts of depression, but now I know myself well enough to know how to get out of them. I needed to be alone tonight, I needed to think about this existence.
I begin to wonder more than I ever have...to wonder about everything. From who I meet to where I meet them at, I wonder why this is happening. Like that Moody Blues song, how is it we are here on this path we walk? I wonder if there's a meaning to all this, if there's a reason why I'm experiencing these things. If something more is to come of it than just a melancholy state of mind. I wonder where the people are that I can smile and feel comfortable with. As of now, there's an essential element lacking.
Tonight was an all Beethoven concert held on temple square to honor the 175th anniversary of his death. As Megan and I were leaving we were approached by a girl handing out pamphlets about the difference of Christians and Mormons. Megan is into Christianity to the extreme so she wanted to talk. It was the strangest thing, while this girl was talking to us two Mormon guys came up and gave us pamphlets too. There's the craziest blasted war going on out here, and I don't really belong to either side. I honestly thought Miss Christian was kind of scary...
Brigitte came up to SLC with her roommates this evening, we went to a concert together. It was nice to see her, and of course the concert was wonderful. I was planning on attacking my homework when I got home, however Megan had called. I returned the call to find her crying and very sad. I put my homework on hold as she came down and sat and talked to me for awhile. She felt better after, that's all that matters to me. Met Ken doing laundry, he watched the Princess Bride with us. I finished one composition..three more.
Apparently it's true that in enough time you can forget almost anything. I was starting to wonder why it was that I decided to go far away for school, starting to contemplate transferring back to Michigan. Thanks to an e-mail from my mother today I remember. My parents are Mormon, my mom was convinced that with my decision to move to SLC I'd become Mormon too. As her plan has failed, she's not sure if they want me to come home for Christmas. I really do not miss my family, and that makes me sad. Why is this so fucked?
The observer I am. People tell me about their worlds quite frequently, they come to me for someone to talk to. It's odd really, I realize that I know many of my friends much better than they know me. I reserve myself for a select amount of people. It's interesting to get into the minds of people, try to understand them.
It rained today, leaving the sky the most beautiful shades of pink and orange as the sun set. Sunsets are always much prettier when there are clouds in the sky, I guess to be perfect things can't be flawless.
When you really think about this planet, when you just stand outside and watch everything and everyone you realize how fricken amazing it all is. Have you ever thought about photosynthesis? The idea that we are all completely fueled by that hot ball in the sky? Or how humans really aren't much different from the other animals, in terms of what we need to live. We have the same basic needs as a deer. We like to fool ourselves into thinking that we are more important than the very thing we are made of. I'm in love with this stuff.
My mother phoned to say she doesn't care if I'm Buddhist or even Atheist, she still misses me and wants me to come home for Christmas. What a relief, I hate the feeling of contention between people I love. It's nice to have someone say they miss me. I guess I'm selfish in the sense that I like to feel needed if even in the smallest way.
I feel a change coming on. Of course, I'm changing all the time, but this wave is a need to get things in order. To stop not caring, to start noticing, to be...
It's better than going off to war I suppose, a country of heathens all of them even you, it's a great world isn't it, how are you tonight, two shirts for $20 is a good deal, would you like anything to drink, is there anything else I can do, you're welcome, I did it because I promised I would, yes I'm free tomorrow evening, I have an appointment at 2, I have to practice, I just want coffee, why can't I get this right, do I have time to sleep, yes I can work on Saturday, I miss you too.
It's good to have a real friendship, a say-anything, don't be offended, don't worry about pissing off, trust completely friendship. I've not seen Kristin for over two years, but that doesn't really matter with a friendship like this. How many people could I say anything to and not have to worry about them thinking I'm strange or stupid. I guess that's what comes from living through those awful jr. high years together. I am really fortunate as far as my friends go, the negative people have been weeded out through the years and I'm left with these few great people.
Who'd have guessed working at the college burger joint would make me smile so much? People come from all over to try my 21 flavors of shakes, I smile and take their order then go to my ice cream and randomly mix things in hopes that it will taste like they expect it to. I smile as I hand them their greasy slabs of meat, I smile as I listen for their helpless arteries to scream for my help, I smile as their belts start to pop, I smile as these interesting people enter my world for a mere second.
Jack called me this evening, that was kind of odd. I agreed to meet him at the practice rooms, we played around for a few hours but then I said I needed to finish my homework. He followed me back to my room and stayed until 3 am. He said he's not attracted to eyes or tits, but the voice...Why did he follow me back here and stay so late? As a vocalist, was his comment about the voice a come on? Overall he came on a bit too strong for me, he gave me a bad creepy feeling.
The world really is overwhelming, when I think about it I can hardly breathe. Yeah, that sounds corny but it's the truth. When I think about how my life has intertwined with other people. It's like there are these little men running around putting my life into place and all I have to do is wake up and step into their night time work. It feels like they lift my feet with every step telling me where I need to be. Sometimes the feet-movers lead me into situations that I don't understand, but all I can do is keep walking.
Leave a message after the tone. BEEP.
Kim, Jack. I'm going to be having dinner at 4:30 if you're interested, I have to be back at tech by 5:30 but I'd love to see you if you can. Alright, I love you, bye.
First time a guy says he loves me...and it was over my machine. What is it that he actually wants? Why am I so skeptical of males in general? I feel like the only thing that could ever come of a relationship is a whole bunch of shit. That's sad, I wish my view wasn't so tainted.
All it takes is one decision and your whole perspective of a person can change. I know that people make mistakes and that you can't judge a person on only one action. She knew her choice, and she knows the consequences and she knows how many people will be hurt and betrayed by this. She also doesn't care. It's not her actions that get to me, it's that she just doesn't care about the other people. She didn't understand the idea that we're all linked and one bad decision from one person will undoubtedly ripple to all those that care.
I can't sleep, all I can do is wonder about what I'm doing. I love music more than anything that I spend my time doing, music is constantly pumped into my body though headphones, speakers, my own throat, my hands on the piano, or the pick on the guitar. It's not possible to describe why I enjoy this banging of sounds so much. But I don't like the idea of spending 2 hours a day on getting my oohs to come out just right, and constantly singing and singing and singing. I love it, but it feels so pointless sometimes.
Casey and I went to a modern dance on film screening tonight. As I sat in the theater I was stuck with a conviction that I'm where I need to be doing what I need to be doing. Sitting in my room now I feel differently. Music feels like a bad relationship sometimes. You know the kind when where you're with the person things seem alright if not wonderful, but as soon as you're away and you think about it you realize how messed it is. Either immerse yourself entirely so you can't see beyond, or get the hell out.
The Doctor is in!
Come in, sit down tell me what's wrong. Now that's interesting, oh really? No I don't think you're strange, I find myself thinking the same things sometimes. Are you alright? How are you doing? What do you need me to do for you? You need a massage, I'm sorry that's not one of my services.
I'm not a doctor, I'm a student who finds a new person on her futon every night asking for advice. These people tell me all about their existences, think that makes us friends? If this is friendship, give me an island
To me from me on my 18th birthday:
Congratulations on living on this planet for 18 years, you've made it through a lot kid. Stop fooling yourself though, stop trying to fool other people. You're not mature, your morals aren't what you pretend, you're not what you pretend. You should be a creative writing major, with the stories you make up in your head. Would you even know what your life was like if you didn't look at through your tinted glasses? Would you recognize yourself? Would you want to? Don't pretend for a second that you understand this.
The tears fell as I hung up the phone. It hit me that my dad can't give me the answers, neither can my friends, no one can give me the answers.
Every strike of the piano strings, every trill of the flute told me that I was where I needed to be. I needed to be there to know I'm not doing what I need to be.
To transfer back to Michigan where tuition is nice and cheap? Somehow I'd feel like a failure that couldn't make it on my own.
Is this how it feels to be an adult?
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