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Walking out to my car I passed a man dressed all in orange. I smiled and said hello, he smiled and nodded a reply. It didn't register until I was to my car that the man was a prisoner, hence the orange jumpsuit, the handcufs, and the police man. What did I think, he was strolling to the hospital with a cop for fun? Am I supposed to smile and say hello to prisoners? Or am I supposed to walk with my head down? Then again, people tend to greet others like that even when they're not dressed in orange...
The woman came into the store twice in the past week, both times she metioned the fact that she had half a breast removed. What a strange thing to tell the girl working at the children's store. Today her checks were returned. Both of the phone numbers we had for here said disconnected. I wonder what her life is like. She lives in a trailor park, has 1 1/2 breasts, has no phone, and she writes bad checks. I am your average upper-middle class third child. I like my life, but what's it like to be her?
I had to wonder if my friend had always been like this and I just hadn't noticed, or if two months really had changed her...or me. The comment about the elderly man to my left at the theater, the comment about the girl who converted to mormonism, the comment about Texans, Californians, and New Yorkers. These comments were starting to burn my mind. I don't want to spend an evening talking about these things. Nor do I want to spend an evening talking about the past. The end of an era perhaps? An era that ended a long time ago.
Greg and I are the only two kids from our highschool heading off to the U this year. The bond between us is that our mothers are friends, and we suffered through brit lit together. My mom reports that he wants to get together at school. I'm guessing that after moving 2000 miles away from home it will be nice to have at least one friend. It seems wierd to call someone and say "Hey, I don't really know you, but why don't we become friends?" I wonder if it's possible to start friendship that easily, I think I'll try.
We went out to the wet lands tonight, first time any of us had been there. After trecking through the woods we came to a large clearing. It was awesome-sorounded by only water, trees, and stars. I asked Tom if he'd ever want to come back during the day. We agreed that to see it in the light would take away something. So what if we couldn't see where the land stopped and the water started, so what if we couldn't tell what flowers were at our feet? There is more to seeing than what the light shows I guess.
I constantly worry that I've made the wrong decision. Should I have gotten the ibook instead of this sony? Should I have hung out with Kirsten tonight instead of martha and tom? Should I have ordered water instead of this lemonaid? Should I have let my cat sleep on my bed instead of banishing him to the couch? Should I have gotten the green blanket instead of the blue? It's quite strange, the larger decisions I make don't weigh on me so much. How different would my life be if I had changed just those little things along the way?
What a wonderful way to spend my second to last day in Michigan. Quite spontaneously we decided to drive up to Mackinac Island. Martha had her mountain bike, so Tom and I rented a tandum bike. We actually mastered the art of a two-person bicycle quite well. After our eight mile loop we went foot swimming in Lake Michigan. We also went to the "Haunted Theater" it's fun to visit hokey wax museums, you just have to be in the right mindset. The night drive home was entertaining as well...
It's almost time to say goodbye to Michigan, strange feelings.
It all comes to a close, but not really...
Tonight I said goodbye to Kirsten and Jonathan over a pot of fundu, two great people that I am going to miss very much.
How strange to think that in one week I will live on the other side of the country. People ask if I'm excited, but it's just starting to sink in. I'm not really that sad to leave though- the people I love aren't disapearing or anything. This world is so awesome, I can't wait to find out what's in store for me. Last night in my bed!
Somewhere in the middle of America where the speed limit is not seventy, but seventy-five. I was under the impression that if a state posted speeds over seventy then they would lose funding for something, but maybe I was wrong. Woo-I'm already learning more about America just from driving across it. Just drove through Omaha, I couldn't resist playing the Counting Crows -it was just too perfect. There are so many corn fields around here, even the cities are cornfields. I don't see any houses or people...maybe there are people living under the corn, corn communes! On to Wyoming.
We're staying at my brother-in-law's parents home tonight in Cheyenne. Phil got out his four wheeler for us, my brothers were so antsy to get on that thing. They were only permitted to ride it if they rode with me or Phil though; ah, the benefits of being older than 16. It was really quite strange at first, I felt like I was going to break it as I drove over the curbs and through the dirt, but I guess that's what those things are made for. It was fun, but not a habit I think I'll take up permanently.
What an awesome little city! After a day of driving through the Rocky Mountains we're now in Jackson Hole, the most perverse national parks in the country surround us.... We'll be here for three days, that's not nearly enough time to see everything in this area. As we drove through the Teton Mountains I was so awed by the surroundings, I have never seen anything that beautiful.
What is your purpose in getting up each day? What is my purpose in getting up each day? Being surrounded by natural wonders of this country eliminate any possibility to not be inspired.
Thankfully Old Faithful was faithful again today. I don't think Sean would have been able to stand it if he had to wait a minute longer to see the water shoot from the ground in a way that only a geyser can. It's hard to explain to a ten year old that nature isn't really all that predictable and the fact that they can predict OF that closely is amazing. The rest of Yellowstone (that we saw) was of course magnificent. One of my brothers almost fell down one of the cliffs, but we managed to pull him back up.
White water rafting through the Snake river, as far as scenery goes I've yet to see any better. The rapids weren't extremely difficult, the highest class we tackled was only a three. But you know, difficulty doesn't mean everything. We went to one of the highest points of the Tetons, I'm so glad that I'm going to be living in this region. Jenny lake was so clear and refreshing, both physically and mentally. Walking alone on the trails, I know I need to be compassionate and understanding of others, but I need my time alone. Some people don't understand that.
It's a good thing I don't smoke, if I did I'd be highly disappointed in about a month and a half. I am now in my new home, Salt Lake City, I just discovered that Utah is one of the two states in the union with the 19 age for tobacco. I admit, it made me feel good to drive up to the hotel and see the guys drinking beer-this place really isn't that bad. Went shopping with my mom for dorm supplies, probably the last time I'll mooch that heavily. Yay, I got the new Nickel Creek album today!
I moved into my dorm room today. We picked up Brigitte so that she could help, yeah, these dorms are definitely nice. There are certain perks to living in the former Olympic Village, namely-nice facilities. I ran into Greg, it was nice to see him, hopefully we'll get together soon. My family is still in their hotel downtown so I'm staying with them again tonight. Man, this entry is like a grocery list. So what am I thinking now? I miss my friends, I love the mountains, I love this campus, I think my brain isn't computing well right now.
Now that I have 24 hour access to the internet whenever I want I need to remember to log off AIM when I'm not there, or at least put up an away message. It's kind of strange, Chris has lived in Ann Arbor for the past two years so it's not like I've ever seen him extremely frequently. But more than anything I'd like to be at Espresso Milano with him. My stupid calling card isn't working, so Jonathan will wait for a phone call. Oh well, I guess I'll just read a book and wonder where my roommate is.
At first I felt okay, because honestly I have no extra money, but after the fifth homeless person on the same street I pulled out a dollar. The residence halls are holding a bunch of crazy social events to "get to know each other", is it wrong that I'm not attending any of them? I went to a free concert by myself tonight, soprano with trumpet, violin, and piano-very good. My homesickness lasted for about two hours, it's completely gone now. I've got my radiohead and Cavafy to comfort me now. You think you can drive me crazy...yeah, right.
I woke up this morning with an intense feeling that I needed to write an old friend. An old friend who is no longer a friend. An old friend who I don't even know anymore. I wondered why I had that feeling. Of course I didn't write the letter. It's interesting how people seem to take up residence in my mind. Some stay there all day long, probably watching tv, others just come and go as they please. I wonder who rents out the space, shouldn't I get some say in who my thoughts go to? Intense thing, my brain.
I had my first audition today - for placement in an ensemble. My rehearsed song went very well, the men looked impressed. Singing to a dead baby, how fun. Of course I fucked up sight singing.
BANG BANG BANG
Hannah and I were actually having a decent conversation last night, only to be interrupted by a large group of frat guys. After talking to us for awhile, they ventured on up stairs. We had our first experience of banging on the ceiling to communicate with the people up stairs. Who knows what they were doing up there....but they were insanely loud..at 1:30 in the morning. Practiced with my accompanist today, it's really hard not to get down. Everyday I have to find something to make life worth it, when I do all is well.
Alright, so I've met him twice, but I'm really interested. Hannah met him through her theater class and brought him over last night, he noticed I was listening to Belle and Sebastian so he checked out my cd collection, he borrowed some and then brought me back to his room and picked out three for me. He just stopped by to ask her a question, but she's at a movie, so we discussed the music for a bit...
First day of class, it wasn't that bad. Crazy music theory professor. Why does my info say I'm a pre-education major???
I used to want to have a lot of friends, always wanted someone to be with. These days I just want to connect with one person a day, that's all I need. Today I met a piano performance major turned choral education major. He knows his stuff, I hear he's good, and he's blind. I'm in awe. After class we worked on IPA together, I drew the symbols on his hand as we figured out what sound each of the different symbols makes. I have become such a petty person, I hate it. I have everything I need, that's enough.
12:10 AM-knock knock. Josh comes looking for Hannah, she's not here. He comes in and talks to me for awhile to wait, tells me he's way into her. Oh, and he's had a lot to drink. Almost 1:00 he decides to leave, I've known him now for less than an hour, he wants to hug - he wants a long hug, as if he thinks I'll invite him back in for sex. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Friday night, co-ed college female, drunk guy in my room?
Where are all the decent guys hiding? This is getting old.
Another night out on the town. We hit the Salt Lake Roasting Company again, I enjoy that place. What is it about coffee houses? The atmosphere? The people? The smell? Everything? I don't know. Maybe it's not so hard to meet people, maybe good people are actually all around me. Maybe I don't need to worry as much as I do. I love people, I go through periods of either hating them or loving them. Tonight I love them. I don't need to worry about feeling exposed, it's okay to be a little raw. Too much worry and doubt floating.
Maybe I need to be a little less passive sometimes. I admit, some times Hannah gets on my nerves. But what roommate doesn't? I washed clothes with my suite mate Casie tonight, she asked if I knew that Hannah shaves in the middle of our room and wipes the cream on the floor. And there was that bloody tissue I found on my side of the room .... and the obnoxiously loud TV ... and her music ( "Put it in my mouth")... and the drunk guys ... GET OVER KENTUCKY!! Suppose this means things aren't going quite as well as I had thought?
I wonder what would happen to me if I were to go away for a week by myself, not tell anyone where I had gone, and just spend a week completely alone. I think it would be quite good for me actually. When I'm around people, or when I talk to people, sometimes my brain overloads. This desire to please, and to understand, and to not piss them off seeps in. I've said and done so many stupid things with this mentality. I don't really need to physically leave, I just have to be more conscious of what I'm doing.
With a personality like a chameleon, is it a state of holding enviable powers of adaption? Or is it a sign of mental weakness and lack of convictions? The hard-headed souls out there will get along with their run of people and avoid those with whom they clash. Whereas the chameleon can run with almost any mess of situations and constantly adapt as needed. So which is better? Perhaps the key is that no matter what color or shade the chameleon adapts, the chameleon is always a chameleon. After all, it's not survival of the fittest-it's survival of the fit-ins.
A society of exaggeration and dramatics. When people talk they over emphasize everything in order to somehow make themselves sound grander or more important. How would conversations go if people said how they really felt about something, not how they think they should feel about something. Would the world really crumble if we were all brutally honest? I don't know...I watch how I deal with people and I wonder if I could do it any differently. The people that are really great are the ones that move and bend along with time. I'm weary of anyone who maintains homeostasis.
Last night I found a poem by Mother Teresa, it's now stuck to my ceiling right above my bed. I'm glad I found it, I was in the wrong in many of the things I was thinking about people. I wish it were possible for me to not make judgements at all, but that's not very likely. I won two free tickets to a Cuban jazz performance through a raffle! I'm excited, I love free concerts. Now about that second ticket...I know who I want to ask, the test will be if I get enough guts to ask him...
In the land where wedding rings are more common on 18 year old s than double earrings I'm starting to get that down and out feeling. I'm not homesick, Midland is one of the last places I want to be. I like it here, in my own little way. I suppose it's that sinking feeling that I'm actually getting older. I live on my own now, parents and friends are over a thousand miles away, I am paying for my education (barely). If girls my age are old enough to get married, then I must not be a kid anymore.
I feel like I did almost everything I could ever want to do today. We went hiking in the mountains, went to a coffee house and talked, practiced singing at the music building for an hour, went out for pizza at a "hip" little place, practiced MORE at the music building, then came back and played our guitars until 12:30 in the morning. I really love music, everything about it. The only thing missing was the trip to the used bookstore and the free concert, but we ran out of time! That's okay though, I've got plenty of time here.
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