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09/01 Direct Link
I struggle to accept his pain. His every movement causes screaming. His screaming, not mine, not yet. My nerves are rattled. I need time alone to process the accident and my reaction to this drastic change. It isn't his fault that he is now wheelchair bound and unable to do anything for himself. Nothing, nada, zilch. Yes, I have a drink or so throughout the day to help de-stress me. It also helps restore me and increases my stamina (somewhat) so I can deal with his many demands. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself; other times I fantasize his murder.
09/02 Direct Link
So here are my choices: have the surgery and get a knee replacement or have the arthroscopy which has no guarantee to last very long. Like every other binary option put to friends, each alternative elicited varied votes and valid reasons. Get the new knee, some said, then youíll have it over and done with, and undergo just one surgery. Get the arthroscopy others said, Itís less invasive and easier on you. Except research indicates it is no more effective than sham surgery. (Sham surgery?!). A knee replacement can take six weeks to go back to work. What to do?
09/03 Direct Link
Donít talk to me of starving cattle, limping dogs or ivory tusks. Please donít point out frozen ponds with thirsty horses. Donít tell me about the dying moose shot in the swamp. Donít haunt me with stories of your deerhead decorations or your soft bear rugs. Donít mention every carcass you see beside the road, the cats, raccoons, the squirrels and fawns. I can see their frightened eyes, the fearful looks, hear their last tortured screams. I sense the agony rained down on them. And I feel their last thoughts: why here, why now, why me? I cannot handle it.
09/04 Direct Link
The Cozy Corner Cafť it called itself. It opened just this week and word about it got around quickly. It billed itself as an upscale dinery that serves specialized this and carmelized that and soups like asparagus bisque. For three of the four sisters the meal and the al fresco dining was superb. The fourth and the eldest was less impressed. It did not seem so upscale to her since she could eat at a picnic table under an umbrella in her own yard. And she thought a chicken sandwich was just a chicken sandwich pretty much anywhere you went.
09/05 Direct Link
Some days it seems there is nothing to say. Particularly if you worked that day, then went to the DMV, and then sat in interstate traffic for over an hour. As bad as the DMV bureacracy was, worse by far was the traffic delay. Just waiting, sitting, idling, creeping along at at 5 mph I could feel my blood pressure rising. Actually I couldnít feel it rising but Iím pretty sure it was. Just getting home was an ordeal. Yet the day is not quite over because we are meeting friends for dinner later. Iím totally talked and yawned out.
09/06 Direct Link
I just donít understand the rules of soccer. I know to follow number six, thatís my granddaughter. But it is hard doing that when you canít read the numbers. I can see the ball quite easily, but I can't tell who is doing what. Donít even ask me what offsides means, I have no idea. Something about fullbacks being in the wrong place Ö well I donít understand that either. I DO know to cheer when our side gets a goal. But a sports game can be boring and seem intensely long when you donít really know whatís going on.
09/07 Direct Link
Itís Sunday and the beginning of another NFL football season. Iím what you would call a fair weather fan. I certainly enjoy football but only when Iím watching my one favorite team and only when they are winning. Sadly that doesnít occur often enough. So, many Sundays I find myself working on household projects instead of enjoying the game while eating snacks in front of the TV. Of course, the chores getting done is an accomplishment in itself. But there is nothing like having a beer, eating pretzels and watching my football team clobber the opponent on a Sunday afternoon.
09/08 Direct Link
Darkness lingers in the morning lately
And highlights the moon
Full and sharp in its brightness
It is night time hanging on
A bit longer encouraging
Sleepers to stay in their beds
Mourners to weep one more tear
Workers to rue their hourly routine
Writers to capture their dreams
Babies to rustle in their slumber
Mothers to shepherd their flocks
Bakers to leaven their bread
Elderly to thank another dawn
Until lightness creeps in the window when
Darkness drags the day into place
When night time retreats and
Demarcates the thens from the nows
Darkness lingers in the morning lately
09/09 Direct Link
He worried her quite a bit, eating that way with his diabetes and all. She didnít know him very long or very well. She was new at the job and heíd been there for 38 years. But she could see his tiredness growing and his spirit waning. She gently suggested he see his doctor. He admitted he was not well, but didnít want to use his oxygen anymore. It was too expensive and too much trouble he said. It pained her to see him this way Ė sick, confused, stubborn. She grew more alarmed and more insistent with him each day
09/10 Direct Link
He worried her quite a bit, eating that way with his diabetes and all. She didnít know him very long or very well. She was new at the job and heíd been there for 38 years. But she could see his tiredness growing and his spirit waning. She gently suggested he see his doctor. He admitted he was not well, but didnít want to use his oxygen anymore. It is too expensive and too much trouble he said. It pained her to see him this way Ė sick, confused, stubborn. She grew more alarmed and more insistent with him each day.
09/11 Direct Link
He finally agreed to call his doctor but not until after work. She was worried he would dismiss this promise just like he had in the past. Then he didn't show up at work the following day. When she tried to call his cell phone, she heard it ringing on his desk. She knew he must have left it there when he went home the night before but she had no other way of reaching him. She knew next to nothing about him, like where he lived, whether he had family, any children. Where was he? Was he still alive?
09/12 Direct Link
She learned later he had been taken by ambulance to a local hospital the night before. She called the hospital and they told her he was in intensive care. Fortunately, he called into work later that day and asked to speak with her. He told her the hospital had removed almost 2 liters of fluid out through a huge needle in his back. But he was groggy and wasnít sure what was wrong with him. Then he asked her to do him a favor. Would she bring him some Oreos and Fig Newtons? She felt confident he would be okay.
09/13 Direct Link
The next day he was more coherent when he called her. He wanted to let her know he was doing okay. He might even get to go home this weekend, he told her. Then she heard nothing more from him for a couple days. She debated whether to call him and tell him there was more she wanted to know about him. To let him know that she cared. She called his cell phone and unexpectedly someone different answered. She asked to speak with him but was told...
So now I ask you: was he alive or was he dead?
09/14 Direct Link
Time is the sound of a trainís horn
Insistent muscular powerful
Asserting its right of way
Access to its boulevard
Its destiny
No loiterers may stay
Get out of the way
Of the advancing army
Pulling its freight
Behind it in the past
With one engine or two it whistles its cue
To move on step forward drive off
Run away it will not cannot stop for you
Or anyone hanging on to the place
Meant for motion and future and fate
It calls out to you
To review the imminent and
Things that cannot change
It moves forward unrelenting
09/15 Direct Link
He went back to the hospital today. I could hear him screaming and screaming Ė it was horrendous. I wanted to cover my ears, to run away, get out of the hospital. It has been very difficult taking care of him. He has so many demands, for even the smallest things. Like ďwill you cover my feet because they are coldĒ, or ďcould you get me something to drinkĒ or how about this one: ďwould you put some salve on my buttĒ. It is getting to me although I donít want it to, and I certainly donít want him to know.
09/16 Direct Link
I didnít go to work today. I felt I was somewhere between very sick and capable of working. I have a difficult time reading my own body, knowing whatís going on with it. I feel terribly guilty when I donít go to my office. Iím not even obligated to be there everyday because of the nature of my work,. This is not the first time I couldnít tell if I was ďsick enoughĒ to warrant staying home. Once I had pneumonia pretty bad and didnít feel right not going to work. That is, until I was taken to the hospital.
09/17 Direct Link
I wondered why he was on the computer looking at betting odds for football. I asked him outright if he gambles. He answered: no, I book Ďem. He said nothing more. I donít even know what that means. Is he a bookie? I honestly donít know what bookies do. I think they are persons who take bets from people on sports games and maybe other things too. Then there is something about the point spread, over-under and other words that are unfamiliar to me; they are just new terms I found on the internet. Beyond that I have no idea
09/18 Direct Link
She thought it would be monotonous since it was simply making phone calls all day. Instead she found the job fascinating because of the others who worked with her there. All of them had aspects of themselves that seemed to unfold daily. Each one had layers of personal history that were being peeled away to reveal a bit more of who they were. Little by little, as their stories unfolded, she was able to attach another attribute, a new adjective, a fresh chapter to each personís narrative. It was like placing magnets on a refrigerator door, and she loved it.
09/19 Direct Link
What a day it was going to be. A housewarming party for their only daughter. They had waited a long time for this, to see her grown up and finally out on her own. Buying a house for her was their latest attempt to get her on her feet and settled. She had gone through some tough times and they had ridden with her through all of them. Her financial problems, her drug addiction, her pregnancy. But now that all was behind her and they were excited to see her beginning anew. Today she would proudly showcase her new home.
09/20 Direct Link
The stink bugs are back and Iím about to lose my mind. Oh, I donít mean just a few bugs. Weíre talking hundreds hanging on my screens and many able to get into my house. I could handle it okay when there were just a few, but now they are coming in hordes. They walk, they fly, and they look beetle-y and thatís what gets me the most - how they look. Yes, they donít bite, but that doesnít matter. Itís my sanity thatís at stake now. I want to stay in bed, under the covers until they are gone.
09/21 Direct Link
It is beginning to become autumn. I love autumn. So many wonderful memories are attached to this time of colored trees and cooler nights. My first view of my home was during this time of year. When I pulled into the driveway, the crunching gravel under my tires, autumn-colored leaves on the trees, the wooden bridge, and the creek all convinced me this was the place. A perfect home with glass and brick; a uniquely designed home, perfect for an artist. There were plenty of hurdles to make it to home ownership, but I made it. My perfect artist home.
09/22 Direct Link
Every afternoon as I pass her desk, she asks me what I had for lunch. And I dutifully tell her each time. Today, for no reason, I told her an outright lie. I told her I went to McDonaldís, had a cheeseburger and Diet Coke and then waved the McDonaldís cup at her as proof. I was surprised at how easily the lie flew out. Yes, she annoys me greatly; she needs to know everything and acts like she is more intelligent than me. My officemate calls her Iron Jaws. But she doesnít know what I had for lunch today.
09/23 Direct Link
Every afternoon as I pass her desk, she asks me what I had for lunch. And I dutifully tell her each time. Today, for no reason, I told her an outright lie. I told her I went to McDonaldís, had a cheeseburger and Diet Coke and then waved the McDonaldís cup at her as proof. I was surprised at how easily the lie flew out. Yes, she annoys me greatly. She needs to know everything and acts like she is more intelligent than me. My officemate calls her iron jaws. But she doesnít know what I had for lunch today.
09/24 Direct Link
Itís wonderful to have the afternoons to myself. I can read, rest, write if the spirit moves me. These are luxuries I need to appreciate. Most often in the past I had very little time for me. Always there was something: a baby, a job, cooking, cleaning, everything else came first. Now I try very hard to appreciate the limited time I have ďas the days dwindle down to a precious few.Ē I realize my time here is not infinite. I will stay present in the moment as best I can and do the things that are important to me.
09/25 Direct Link
tís wonderful to have the afternoons to myself. I can read, rest, write if the spirit moves me. These are luxuries I need to appreciate. Most often in the past I had very little time for me. Always there was something: a baby, a job, cooking, cleaning, everything else came first. Now I try very hard to appreciate the limited time I have ďas the days dwindle down to a precious few.Ē I realize my time here is not infinite. I will stay present in the moment as best I can and do the things that are important to me.
09/26 Direct Link
He tells me he is leaving her, the woman he has been with for 20 years. He insists he is happy about his plan, but his delay tells me otherwise. And his adamant claim that he canít wait to get away belies his reluctance to give back his dream, his memory of the days in the beginning when she was in love with him. He was her mentor, her lover. She hung on his every word. Those days are over now, sheís no longer that young girl smitten with his charm. She has grown while he has simply grown old.
09/27 Direct Link
Her voice is so loud it is grating on my ears. Sheís a very nice woman, but she is a little different. Itís like everyone here, including me, is looking for flaws in this trainee. Oh, and the pretentious way she identifies herself. Yes, thatís it Ė sheís pompous, uppity even. She also sounds like she is from Brooklyn, and this ainít Brooklyn honey. I wonder if there is a genetic component to this negative scrutiny? Like: did our cave ancesters look for flaws to be sure a newcomer was not threatening? I do hope we someday grow to like her.
09/28 Direct Link
Except for one couple, all the people at the party were familiar to her. They were happily socializing, eating appetizers and having drinks. Those with the most resonant voices were naturally heard above all the others. Then she heard someone whisper: "letís all go bowling". She couldnít tell who said it, but shortly after that most of the people left. Were they all going elsewhere now? Why werenít we invited, she thought. Then she remembered the last party and how much heíd had to drink. She had been greatly embarrassed, and now she was afraid theyíd lost their friends.
09/29 Direct Link
He found her alluring. He tried to stop being fascinated by her, but so far it hadnít worked. When heíd see her at business meetings she was either overbearing (which he didnít like) or charming; more often she was charming. He found himself wanting to know what she had to say, and often what she said was very intelligent. Quick and quite witty, she would draw him to her repeatedly. He would find himself thinking about her more often than he thought healthy. Besides, he had a wife and a tolerable life. He didnít want to throw that away.
09/30 Direct Link
The stink bugs are back and Iím terribly upset about it. Iíve tried to get over this phobia, even going so far as to pick one up with my fingers. I imprisoned some in a glass jar and that seemed to help. Until I tried to capture the last one. That's when I opened the jar to scrape one in and the jar tipped over. Thatís not the worst of it. All the bugs fell out in a pile Ė and they were ALIVE, crawling away. Thatís it! I canít do it anymore. Iím keeping myself holed up in my room.