The reaction of a moment can have deep roots, and
it takes more than one novel to understand one family.
The mistakes of the father can lead to the
crippling fears of the son.
Infectious Diseases rotation this month.
Gentamicin and Tobramycin. Both are the same
class but one is spelled with an i and the other a y. Whyyy? And then there's
Vancomycin, a drug of a completely different class, sporting a y like it
belongs with Tobra. What the hell? Although we wouldn't think Vanc was anything but
Vanc, but still. UGH.
I am surrounded by beautiful, unavailable men.
Not that I'm complaining much. They laugh at my jokes, and I get to look at
them. But before, I couldn't flirt, and now they can't. My situation hasn't changed.
Fucking. adult. life.
I bet nothing will actually be done to find these
girls from Nigeria. I bet they have already been scattered to the four corners,
and the people paying for them have enough influence to never be found and to
continue this slave market indefinitely. Why? I cannot stop asking why. Why are
they able to succeed in their endeavors? Why does this horror continue? And if
it grows, why? Why are the perpetrators so capable of heartlessness? And how.
How are they and I cut from the same cloth? If I did something so terrible, it
would drive me senseless.
Every day, I am left with patient cases in a windowless
conference room the size of a large, walk-in closet with another student
and a resident for like five hours a day. Tomorrow will be the resident's last
day so it'll be just me and him (the other student) for threeee weeeeeks. This
is will be... an exercise in patience. The resident has been an awesome buffer
for our crazy, smiling with gritted teeth as we perform for her. When she's
gone, who will we perform for? Each other? Not likely. I'm pretty
sure we will drive each other bonkers.
Can it happen? Can I do it? Can I be one of them,
those cooler than cool, fancy people telling doctors and hospital staff what's
what. “Dr. X, in this scenario, I would hold off on tapering the dosage until
we get the results of the bone marrow biopsy. They're pending, but we should
know soon enough.” Ohhh to say shit like that! But I'm just an average student.
I always thought I'd end up at a chain drugstore in a city, if I’m lucky.
Getting a job in this market is tough enough, but… why shouldn't I dream big?
I'm scared. Nay, terrified. Absolutely terrified
of my future. Of hoping too high, wanting too much. And yet, there's this
amazing, incredible feeling, like I'm about to burst into a billion spinning
bubbles if I don't stop myself, that comes from knowing, maybe, exactly what I
want. For the first time in a long time, I am dreaming about something…
possibly too high to dream about and maybe that's why I never dreamt about it
in the first place, but here I am and you can't bring me down to Earth now. My
mind has already opened itself to hope.
“You love him. Just admit it. For as long as I've
known you, I've seen how you look at him, and you know what? It hasn't changed.
That would be… ten years of loving someone and hiding it from yourself. Was it weird,
initially? Yes. But it's been… ten… years! If you can't get over him by now,
maybe you never will. Maybe you're not supposed to.”
“Look, there is and will always be something
between us. I can't make it disappear. It's just not enough to marry him for. That's
the trick, isn't it? Knowing when it is enough.”
"Come a little closer, then you'll see."
Imagine us in the living room of our new
apartment, up on the 42nd floor, the glass balcony doors overlooking
the city lights. At night, these city lights look like lights on a Christmas
tree or a million fireflies. We have yet to add furniture, and the living room
is empty, but we can smell the new shiny red hardwood floors. The few, small
ceiling lights exude a mysterious hue, covering us in half light, half shadow.
You take my hand and wrap your other arm around my waist. We smile and sway.
She's here now, our little one, the terror of our
lives. She sleeps more than I thought she would and doesn't pay near enough
attention to us except when she's needing something. Her mind's like a
butterfly, flitting everywhere, always running away from me. You yearn for her
to do something new and watch for every smile. You can't wait until the next
time when she'll smile at you… So tiny. Those fingers, that yawn. So small. We
lie in the bed on either side of her, holding her belly, stroking her head. You
look at me, and we smile.
The other student is a Scorpio, like me, and when
you put two scorpions in one room, vying for the same prize, things can get
serious fast. Especially if there's no one to soften us. Granted, there's a lot
to like about Scorpios. He and I are both nice, honest, polite, loyal, etc. But when challenged, we strike fast, hard, and mercilessly. He’s better at it than I
am. Watching him, I feel bad for the ones I've bested. Today, though, he may
have schooled me on some questions, but I was better prepared. It was a good
Penicillin G. Ampicillin. Amoxicillin-clavulanate (Augmentin).
Piperacillin-Tazobactam (Zosyn). Ampicillin-sulbactam (Unasyn). Cefazolin
(Ancef). Cephalexin (Keflex). Ceftriaxone (Rocephin). Ceftazidime.
Cefdinir. Cefepime. Meropenem (Merrem). Imipenem-cilastatin (Primaxin).
Levofloxacin (Levaquin). Ciprofloxacin (Cipro). Moxifloxacin (Avelox).
Vancomycin (Vancocin). Linezolid (Zyvox). Daptomycin. Clindamycin (Cleocin).
Metronidazole (Flagyl). Trimethoprim/sulfamethoxazole (Bactrim). Azithromycin
(Zithromax). Gentamicin. Tobramycin. Streptomycin. Amikacin. Doxycycline. Rifampin.
Fosfomycin. Nitrofurantion (Macrobid). Colistin. Polymixin-B.
it or not, these aren't all of them. They're the center of my life right now.
This rotation has helped me create associations with them all. I know a little
bit about each, not enough about any. Two more weeks though. Gotta get to it.
"So if it's not meant to be, why are you teasing
I don't know. Wedding receptions are supposed to
be good places to find potential romantic interests, but we just stuck to each
other. And my parents let us. "Go get desserts."
Why? Are they so blind? They must be.
His father, though, at the end of the night, came
up to me and said, "Enough tonight. It's time to go home."
Granted, his father loves me. His whole family
loves me, but this is their precious, oldest son. Do they hate me, just a
Leave. Him. Alone.
It happened. My mother, in one conversation,
subtly tells me to stay away from him – “he and S really like each other”– God!
– and stay away from married men. I was so mad, I went to the gym. This
weekend, the bridegroom did hit on me in front of her at his own wedding
reception. He says, “Well hi, I don't think I've met you before.” To which he
and his friend laughed. Sleaze. I replied, “You haven't, but I'm here, and I'm
going to eat all the food.” Maybe she thought I was flirting. What should I have said?!
I should write more about my rotation, but
writing about it stresses me out a little. I have a Journal Club presentation tomorrow,
and I'll be expected to present in front of not only my preceptor but also the
head of the trauma unit… because, I guess, they're pals or something.
I know how to be good at presentations and how
much prep it can take when you're not used to giving a certain kind. It's the
one part of any learning experience that I know I will rock if I just apply
myself. So of course I'm getting anxious.
I've been hanging out with different people, but
it feels like picking at straws. Honestly, my best moments have been with my
parents and my fellow student, K. Even though my parents can be tough to live
with at times, I appreciate their presence in my everyday life. Others come and
go and don't need me.
Being without a partner is hard, and it feels
like it gets harder every day. K, with his humor and charm, is killing me. I
recorded a talk on coronavirus, but I'm listening for his side comments. Clive
Owen, save me from this week.
“I'm not exactly sure,” used to be a pet
peeve for me because when someone says that, what they're actually saying is, “I
have no Earthly idea, but I don't want to sound like a damn fool.” Just admit that you don't know! Forget “exactly sure”, you're not even close to “sure.” You have no
probable hypothesis to be “sure” about! But no one thinks about it. It's one of
those phrases that has come to mean something entirely different from what it
would mean if taken literally. I always imagine calling them out on it, but I never do.
“You clearly don't know your Mad Men. It's Don Draper or Roger Sterling, not Donald Sterling!”
Today, I realized that no matter how much we attempt
to separate religion from the Constitution, Pledge of Allegiance, and dollar bill,
Jesus will still be there in our measure of time. Anno Domini. AD. Every year
is “in the year of our Lord.” And which lord? Say it with me! Jesus Christ, is
that frustrating! As an agnostic and even a fake Hindu, it's frustrating.
But here's another non sequiter:
“You've never seen the Lion King?!”
“I lied. I have. I’m a Lyin' King.”
After yesterday's note on religion in the US, I must
write about India’s new prime minister. I've read and heard that he condoned
Hindus to fight Muslims in his state of Gujarat. In a place where Muslims are
the minority, this was like condoning a genocide. He should not be prime
minister, should not have any power. The scariest thing is that India has no
limit to how many times one can be re-elected. I'm relieved that my parents
brought us here. If I was in India now, I would flee. If America stands against
Modi, I will slow clap.
People like to relate themselves to characters on
TV shows. Multiple friends have done this to characters from How I Met Your
Mother. One good friend considered herself Robin and her ex to be Ted Mosby.
She used to say that B and I are like Marshall and Lily. Another close friend
and her husband consider themselves to be Lily and Marshall. We can't all be
Ted and Robin and Lily and Marshall. But I do it too. I've questioned if I'm even
Ted Mosby. It seems like a testament to a good show that people can relate so
Ever had that moment where you're looking at someone
and all of your words suddenly disappear? Seems to happen to many people I know. You
were speaking, but now you're speaking gibberish. What were you saying? Embarrassed and confused, your mind attempts to collect itself and speak at the
same time. More gibberish. Your tongue gets tied trying to roll the words out,
and they stop sounding right. The best thing to do is pause, register that you're
horrified and nip that emotion in the bud, and let out a small laugh. At least,
that's what I try to do.
What a day! And what an amazing rotation!
The head trauma surgeon invited us to watch a
surgery. The patient had Fournier gangrene. The surgeon had to cut out a lot of
tissue. It took about thirty minutes, and the end result was horrifying. She'll
be knocked out for months! Then he let us sit with him as he spoke to the
family, the most emotional part. Normally I don’t pray, but I had to pray for
them last night. When you see something like that, whether you believe in a
higher power or not, a prayer comes out automatically.
Thank goodness I'm not married yet because I just
figured out why I would want a wedding. So far, I haven't understood them. Does
anyone need to be so showy about their love? “Look how happy and awesome we
are!” Don't people really just come to eat, look pretty, drink, and be merry?
It seemed disjointed. But yesterday, I got a sense of how many people have
loved me. The marriage is for me and him, but shouldn't the wedding be for them ? To say, “Thank you all for every moment of love. May I share my happiness