BY Lipikar

05/01 Direct Link
Hey, hey, May Day.

Storms are a-brewin in my own home, but I'd rather not address them yet. No use complaining about the early battles of a war.

Happiest moments today happened while skyping with my bestie.

"There's Xena, Warrior Princess and Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century. It's confusing!"

Deep question: "What are the Xena fans of yesterday... fans of today?"

Deep answer: "The Xena fans of yesterday are still fans of Xena today."

Concerning boys, she bemoans, "But then I turn high school on them." 

I'll think I've forgotten how to laugh, and then I talk to her.
05/02 Direct Link
I woke up this morning thinking "(stringy) squash, yellow raisins, butter, cinnamon, cashews... baked and caramelized?"

The other day, I thought, "Cooked, cut okra... with salsa!"

I hope such thoughts continue!

Another grand idea. I was coming home from a zumba workout and thought about its similarities to Bollywood dances. Idea! Bollywood workout classes! That probably happens in bigger cities like New York. Haven't seen it here. So potentially lucrative!! Alas, I am not business venturer. More importantly, my classical dance guru would shun me for going to the dark side. That kind of "dancing" is for the aesthetically limited!
05/03 Direct Link
They sure know how to speak cruelly, these parents of mine. I wonder if it's true for all parents, or especially for Indian parents. When they feel hurt, they will slice you with words to stop feeling their own pain, to convince themselves that you are the one with the problems. I used to do it too, following their lead, but then I went to college and realized that close relationships didn't have to be like this. Cruelty can be a choice. I cannot communicate this to them, but I can be different, and that is enough. That is enough.
05/04 Direct Link
Living with parents as an adult is tough for me. Is it tough for most of us? I still cannot put my finger on all the reasons why. They are different from me - different beliefs, ideas, and understandings. They say things I would never say and are not good people in every situation. Neither am I. Maybe it's because it's their house, their rules... Their house, their beliefs is closer to it. Their house, their logic. I cannot play the victim, but they were hurt by me wanting to leave. It shouldn't be an issue, but... here I am. 
05/05 Direct Link

The reaction of a moment can have deep roots, and it takes more than one novel to understand one family.

The mistakes of the father can lead to the crippling fears of the son.

My father's father was a textile inspector and an honest man. Too honest for the position he was given, overseeing the textile businesses of half a city. He was fooled by some, wrongfully blamed others, and mismanaged his job. He could have been suspended, but he was shamefully demoted instead. My father's family never recovered from that financially, and my father sees opportunists in the shadows.
05/06 Direct Link

Infectious Diseases rotation this month.

Gentamicin and Tobramycin. Both are the same class but one is spelled with an i and the other a y. Whyyy? And then there's Vancomycin, a drug of a completely different class, sporting a y like it belongs with Tobra. What the hell? Although we wouldn't think Vanc was anything but Vanc, but still. UGH.

I am surrounded by beautiful, unavailable men. Not that I'm complaining much. They laugh at my jokes, and I get to look at them. But before, I couldn't flirt, and now they can't. My situation hasn't changed. Fucking. adult. life.

05/07 Direct Link

I bet nothing will actually be done to find these girls from Nigeria. I bet they have already been scattered to the four corners, and the people paying for them have enough influence to never be found and to continue this slave market indefinitely. Why? I cannot stop asking why. Why are they able to succeed in their endeavors? Why does this horror continue? And if it grows, why? Why are the perpetrators so capable of heartlessness? And how. How are they and I cut from the same cloth? If I did something so terrible, it would drive me senseless.

05/08 Direct Link

Every day, I am left with patient cases in a windowless conference room  the size of a large, walk-in closet with another student and a resident for like five hours a day. Tomorrow will be the resident's last day so it'll be just me and him (the other student) for threeee weeeeeks. This is will be... an exercise in patience. The resident has been an awesome buffer for our crazy, smiling with gritted teeth as we perform for her. When she's gone, who will we perform for? Each other? Not likely. I'm pretty sure we will drive each other bonkers.

05/09 Direct Link
When I was in a relationship and some friends would bemoan their singlehood, I'd say, "You're crazy! If you're like most people, you will be married for most of your life. You will attempt to be with that one person forever. That's like fifty or so years of your life. THIS, this time, however, is brief. I would enjoy it while I still can!" And I believed it. Damnit. I was in relationships when I wasn't ready for the next step, and now... I could actually see myself with only one person forever but it seems like everyone's already taken. 
05/10 Direct Link
B and I are going to watch an episode from one of our favorite shows together. We're doing that long distance thing where you keep him on the phone beside you. We did that our first summer apart, and B suggested it via text today. Great thing about relationships is how well you grow to understand his motives. B's the kind that doesn't burn bridges, rather nurtures every relationship. It's a good thing and one of the reasons why we can have a friendship. I'm not afraid of him trying to "get me back." I'm just one of his people.
05/11 Direct Link

Can it happen? Can I do it? Can I be one of them, those cooler than cool, fancy people telling doctors and hospital staff what's what. “Dr. X, in this scenario, I would hold off on tapering the dosage until we get the results of the bone marrow biopsy. They're pending, but we should know soon enough.” Ohhh to say shit like that! But I'm just an average student. I always thought I'd end up at a chain drugstore in a city, if I’m lucky. Getting a job in this market is tough enough, but… why shouldn't I dream big?

05/12 Direct Link

I'm scared. Nay, terrified. Absolutely terrified of my future. Of hoping too high, wanting too much. And yet, there's this amazing, incredible feeling, like I'm about to burst into a billion spinning bubbles if I don't stop myself, that comes from knowing, maybe, exactly what I want. For the first time in a long time, I am dreaming about something… possibly too high to dream about and maybe that's why I never dreamt about it in the first place, but here I am and you can't bring me down to Earth now. My mind has already opened itself to hope.

05/13 Direct Link

“You love him. Just admit it. For as long as I've known you, I've seen how you look at him, and you know what? It hasn't changed. That would be… ten years of loving someone and hiding it from yourself. Was it weird, initially? Yes. But it's been… ten… years! If you can't get over him by now, maybe you never will. Maybe you're not supposed to.”

“Look, there is and will always be something between us. I can't make it disappear. It's just not enough to marry him for. That's the trick, isn't it? Knowing when it is enough.”

05/14 Direct Link

"Come a little closer, then you'll see."

Imagine us in the living room of our new apartment, up on the 42nd floor, the glass balcony doors overlooking the city lights. At night, these city lights look like lights on a Christmas tree or a million fireflies. We have yet to add furniture, and the living room is empty, but we can smell the new shiny red hardwood floors. The few, small ceiling lights exude a mysterious hue, covering us in half light, half shadow. You take my hand and wrap your other arm around my waist. We smile and sway.

05/15 Direct Link

She's here now, our little one, the terror of our lives. She sleeps more than I thought she would and doesn't pay near enough attention to us except when she's needing something. Her mind's like a butterfly, flitting everywhere, always running away from me. You yearn for her to do something new and watch for every smile. You can't wait until the next time when she'll smile at you… So tiny. Those fingers, that yawn. So small. We lie in the bed on either side of her, holding her belly, stroking her head. You look at me, and we smile.

05/16 Direct Link

The other student is a Scorpio, like me, and when you put two scorpions in one room, vying for the same prize, things can get serious fast. Especially if there's no one to soften us. Granted, there's a lot to like about Scorpios. He and I are both nice, honest, polite, loyal, etc. But when challenged, we strike fast, hard, and mercilessly. He’s better at it than I am. Watching him, I feel bad for the ones I've bested. Today, though, he may have schooled me on some questions, but I was better prepared. It was a good day.

05/17 Direct Link

Penicillin G. Ampicillin. Amoxicillin-clavulanate (Augmentin). Piperacillin-Tazobactam (Zosyn). Ampicillin-sulbactam (Unasyn). Cefazolin (Ancef). Cephalexin (Keflex). Ceftriaxone (Rocephin). Ceftazidime. Cefdinir. Cefepime. Meropenem (Merrem). Imipenem-cilastatin (Primaxin). Levofloxacin (Levaquin). Ciprofloxacin (Cipro). Moxifloxacin (Avelox). Vancomycin (Vancocin). Linezolid (Zyvox). Daptomycin. Clindamycin (Cleocin). Metronidazole (Flagyl). Trimethoprim/sulfamethoxazole (Bactrim). Azithromycin (Zithromax). Gentamicin. Tobramycin. Streptomycin. Amikacin. Doxycycline. Rifampin. Fosfomycin. Nitrofurantion (Macrobid). Colistin. Polymixin-B. Quinupristin/dalfopristin (Synercid).

Believe it or not, these aren't all of them. They're the center of my life right now. This rotation has helped me create associations with them all. I know a little bit about each, not enough about any. Two more weeks though. Gotta get to it.

05/18 Direct Link

"So if it's not meant to be, why are you teasing him?"

I don't know. Wedding receptions are supposed to be good places to find potential romantic interests, but we just stuck to each other. And my parents let us. "Go get desserts."

Why? Are they so blind? They must be.

His father, though, at the end of the night, came up to me and said, "Enough tonight. It's time to go home."

Granted, his father loves me. His whole family loves me, but this is their precious, oldest son. Do they hate me, just a little?

Leave. Him. Alone.

05/19 Direct Link

It happened. My mother, in one conversation, subtly tells me to stay away from him – “he and S really like each other”– God! – and stay away from married men. I was so mad, I went to the gym. This weekend, the bridegroom did hit on me in front of her at his own wedding reception. He says, “Well hi, I don't think I've met you before.” To which he and his friend laughed. Sleaze. I replied, “You haven't, but I'm here, and I'm going to eat all the food.” Maybe she thought I was flirting. What should I have said?!

05/20 Direct Link

I should write more about my rotation, but writing about it stresses me out a little. I have a Journal Club presentation tomorrow, and I'll be expected to present in front of not only my preceptor but also the head of the trauma unit… because, I guess, they're pals or something.

I know how to be good at presentations and how much prep it can take when you're not used to giving a certain kind. It's the one part of any learning experience that I know I will rock if I just apply myself. So of course I'm getting anxious.

05/21 Direct Link
The Journal Club went well. It was in a break room so the informal setting calmed my nerves a little. Also, it was me and four to five handsome, intelligent men, one being the head physician of the trauma unit. I would've stayed there as long as humanly possible, regardless of how much I'd get grilled with questions. I did get asked a few, but I think I did okay. The other student really got grilled, poor guy, because our hot but douchey surgeon wanted to exhibit his own intellect. Being around this much hotness is simultaneously rewarding and challenging!
05/22 Direct Link
I finally got the nerve to ask my preceptor about what I would need to do to become an oncology pharmacist. I brought it up as casually as I could, but I felt sick to my stomach and almost opted to run to the restroom instead. "Are there also oncology clinics?" I started. Looking at him, I felt like Oliver Twist asking for more. But he was nice and gave me a few tips. Less than I wanted but more than I could really ask for. This level of ambition might be too much, too late, but I'm hopeful still.
05/23 Direct Link

I've been hanging out with different people, but it feels like picking at straws. Honestly, my best moments have been with my parents and my fellow student, K. Even though my parents can be tough to live with at times, I appreciate their presence in my everyday life. Others come and go and don't need me.

Being without a partner is hard, and it feels like it gets harder every day. K, with his humor and charm, is killing me. I recorded a talk on coronavirus, but I'm listening for his side comments. Clive Owen, save me from this week.

05/24 Direct Link
So I achieved something last night. I "stayed away" from him, the one I'm not supposed to be with for various reasons, age and closeness to family being the main two. I "stayed away" by staying close and friend-zoning. God, I'm so annoyingly good at friend-zoning.

Finally got some rest too. All week, I've been falling asleep in the afternoon. I pinch myself, dig my nails into my skin, move around, but off I go, dreaming before my eyes have even closed while still moving the pen in my hand. Minutes later, I snap back awake, wonderfully refreshed.
05/25 Direct Link

“I'm not exactly sure,” used to be a pet peeve for me because when someone says that, what they're actually saying is, “I have no Earthly idea, but I don't want to sound like a damn fool.” Just admit that you don't know! Forget “exactly sure”, you're not even close to “sure.” You have no probable hypothesis to be “sure” about! But no one thinks about it. It's one of those phrases that has come to mean something entirely different from what it would mean if taken literally. I always imagine calling them out on it, but I never do.

05/26 Direct Link

“You clearly don't know your Mad Men. It's Don Draper or Roger Sterling, not Donald Sterling!”

Today, I realized that no matter how much we attempt to separate religion from the Constitution, Pledge of Allegiance, and dollar bill, Jesus will still be there in our measure of time. Anno Domini. AD. Every year is “in the year of our Lord.” And which lord? Say it with me! Jesus Christ, is that frustrating! As an agnostic and even a fake Hindu, it's frustrating.

But here's another non sequiter:

“You've never seen the Lion King?!”

“I lied. I have. I’m a Lyin' King.”

05/27 Direct Link

After yesterday's note on religion in the US, I must write about India’s new prime minister. I've read and heard that he condoned Hindus to fight Muslims in his state of Gujarat. In a place where Muslims are the minority, this was like condoning a genocide. He should not be prime minister, should not have any power. The scariest thing is that India has no limit to how many times one can be re-elected. I'm relieved that my parents brought us here. If I was in India now, I would flee. If America stands against Modi, I will slow clap.

05/28 Direct Link

People like to relate themselves to characters on TV shows. Multiple friends have done this to characters from How I Met Your Mother. One good friend considered herself Robin and her ex to be Ted Mosby. She used to say that B and I are like Marshall and Lily. Another close friend and her husband consider themselves to be Lily and Marshall. We can't all be Ted and Robin and Lily and Marshall. But I do it too. I've questioned if I'm even Ted Mosby. It seems like a testament to a good show that people can relate so much. 

05/29 Direct Link

Ever had that moment where you're looking at someone and all of your words suddenly disappear? Seems to happen to many people I know. You were speaking, but now you're speaking gibberish. What were you saying? Embarrassed and confused, your mind attempts to collect itself and speak at the same time. More gibberish. Your tongue gets tied trying to roll the words out, and they stop sounding right. The best thing to do is pause, register that you're horrified and nip that emotion in the bud, and let out a small laugh. At least, that's what I try to do. 

05/30 Direct Link

What a day! And what an amazing rotation!

The head trauma surgeon invited us to watch a surgery. The patient had Fournier gangrene. The surgeon had to cut out a lot of tissue. It took about thirty minutes, and the end result was horrifying. She'll be knocked out for months! Then he let us sit with him as he spoke to the family, the most emotional part. Normally I don’t pray, but I had to pray for them last night. When you see something like that, whether you believe in a higher power or not, a prayer comes out automatically.

05/31 Direct Link

Thank goodness I'm not married yet because I just figured out why I would want a wedding. So far, I haven't understood them. Does anyone need to be so showy about their love? “Look how happy and awesome we are!” Don't people really just come to eat, look pretty, drink, and be merry? It seemed disjointed. But yesterday, I got a sense of how many people have loved me. The marriage is for me and him, but shouldn't the wedding be for them ? To say, “Thank you all for every moment of love. May I share my happiness with you?”