BY Lipikar

02/01 Direct Link

My heart: a prism of desires
My life: scattered into pieces
I have learned that I cannot multitask:
I cannot earn a living for a family
And live the life I dream about

 So what am I going to do?
 Just get going, I suppose

Take me to the mountain peaks where Ozone kisses Vacuum
Throw me backwards into history and let us chase the rising sun
Help me connect the wires and screws and cogs that light up our screens
Cover me in words, Marquez, Tagore, Auden let’s go
Let’s go
Let us go!

02/02 Direct Link

February is a good month to begin this journey. Less days. Has this been observed before?

I have got a plan. An ambitious one. What is any journey without a fearsome challenge? A "damned if I do, damned if I don't" scenario? We are humans, after all. We only know how to be damned.

My goal: Twelve batches, one whole year's worth

I am providing myself a little leeway by not confining it to continuously one year, but this year will be hugely interesting so it ought to be chronicled.

 One hundred words is really not that hard.

02/03 Direct Link

I am in the deep end, head over water. I have to find a way to swim to the surface.

"Patient is hyperglycemic. 10 units of insulin." "Get him an XLap." "Are we using Modified PennState?" "What’s the SIMV?" "Patient has a right femoral line placement."

 Get me out of here.

My preceptor says one student fell into quicksand. That is not going to happen to me. I am dreading tomorrow, but my brain is so tired. Just a few more equations, a few more web searches, a few more notes on the readings...

"Do not go gently..."

02/04 Direct Link
Today was not so bad! The poor med school kids in the corner were getting grilled. A "15 second answer," some strange game to pick on the interns. A doctor raised his voice. We all turned to look, even my preceptor.

Over here in pharmacy, it's still scary, but maybe more nurturing. Pharmacists are usually a nicer lot. I may live through this month's rotation after all! Today I only had two patient cases, and my preceptor walked me through them. Tomorrow, though, I am on my own, and I still feel lost. Better get started on reading the literature!
02/05 Direct Link

I dreamt about this married man in my community. He was haunting my subconscious, and now my dreams have released my emotions. Emotions with nowhere to go. Do we all enjoy falling for people we can't have? Is it an acquired taste, something that grows as your past relationships end in dissatisfaction? Is it a lie we tell ourselves to feel better about this unwarranted dissatisfaction? In any case, I think we can all agree that too many people are sexy.

I blame P for such tastes. And my Stats professor. Only time will tell how fucked really I am.

02/06 Direct Link

Tomorrow is the last day that he is around me for a while. The attention of beautiful people can be... intoxicating. I had forgotten, confined by school, work, and a relationship, what it is like to spend so much time around an attractive guy without being able to kiss him. That sounds ridiculous. Of course it is difficult. But why? Everyone succumbs to their ids, but me? Surely not me.

 My (ex)-boyfriend came on to me tonight. His heart pounded so loudly that I held him tighter just to feel it on me, this amazing yet miserably foreign sensation.

02/07 Direct Link

What a week. Fake it till you make it is not my preferred method of learning.

I don't know how these people working in the ICU can be happy surrounded by dying patients. It does make you feel important though.

I am exhausted. I go home and sleep.

I had four patients today. I spent 3.5 hours on assessing their nutritional needs, and I still do not know if my recommendations were right and helpful. The resident sped through my Progress Notes, modified them, and moved on before I could understand. This confusion is the most tiring thing.

02/08 Direct Link

Five years of being in devoted relationships, for me, has equated to five years of girlfriends taking a back seat in my life and me taking a backseat in theirs. I need girlfriends. I think I always will. Given, I do have one best friend, but she will never come back home. She is destined for bigger cities, bigger things.

 So I must start looking, especially now that I’m moving back home. If only there was an eharmony for female friends. I’d pay money for that.

 And I hope I never deny myself time for close friendships again. 

02/09 Direct Link
My mother says I like to worry. No, honestly, I just like to be prepared.

But I do have helpless fears. One of them: The singularity. What could I do if supercomputers attempted to destroy us? I know nothing about computers. I use Explorer, even though I have Chrome. Also, no Boy Scout survival training. Girl Scouts camping meant a cabin with running water and a stove. How else can we bake cookies? Okay, playing on stereotypes here. But seriously, how will I survive? Maybe they will read this and take pity on me.
02/10 Direct Link

"I think this goes without saying, but I want to make love to you. Here, now, as we speak. Moment after moment, unforgiving, unrelenting, unending. My mind is there already, all that is left is you, is this. I can feel you. Let me feel you!"

Said Guy of Gisborne to Maid Marian in my fan-fiction version of Robin Hood. This is what happens when you tap into another person’s desire to overcome the incredible lack of your own.

"Marian… say something…"

Ugh. I have readings to do! A paper on gastrointestinal fistulas does not write itself! Clearly fan-fiction does.
02/11 Direct Link

My childhood was the worst part of my life, by a landslide. Have you ever lost an entire batch of your inner circle, your family, without being able to make sense of it? My ex's dog cries and claws at the door when my ex leaves. It used to drive me insane.

I think I am an empath. I tend to know you before you know me. Especially the darker parts, things to watch out for. My friend told me this can come from childhood abuse. But I would not classify my child self as abused. By fate though... maybe.
02/12 Direct Link

It would be that the age when I am looking my best is the age when I am so wrapped up in trying to make it that I cannot enjoy what remains of this youthfulness.

Interruption: I just heard my neighbor sneeze! I did not realize that the walls are so thin! Or he so silent otherwise. I am not! I guess I should turn down my music! Especially since I loop the same song about twenty times. Present obsession: Viceroy Remix of Biggy’s Going Back to Cali. It reminds me that warmth and sunlight exist somewhere in this world.

02/13 Direct Link
I may be getting better at this! My recommendations were accepted by the resident, even sometimes above the recommendations of the physician. The doctor seriously recommended sodium phosphate and potassium acetate boluses for a patient that was low in Phos and K when he could have just bolused KPhos. (And the patient was not acidotic.) Most of the time, the doctor and I had recommended the same thing.

The sunshine and warmer temps brought out the nicer sides of everyone today.

Tomorrow is my preceptor's wife's birthday and VDay. Here's to hoping that he will be in a good mood!. 
02/14 Direct Link
A cold and rainy Valentines. The smell of roses surprising my nares. My (ex)boyfriend got me a vase of flowers. We are not officially broken up, not facebook official - the only official these days. So I guess we celebrate today. I did not get him anything because I feel awkward about the whole thing, but I did buy steel head salmon, "manager's special", and will be cooking it for us tonight. And some lovin to end the night, I guess. I love him, but I wish this day did not exist. Romance commercialized.

Why are we still doing this?
02/15 Direct Link

"Memories made in the coldest winter…"

I listened to 808s and Heartbreak yesterday because I wanted something Shakespearean. Enough of this candied American romance! I could listen to this album all day, every day. Oh, Kanye, you sore winner and beautiful loser, you. You Iago. You Shylock. You Caliban! If Shakespeare could meet one famous person in all of history, he might pick Kanye West. But how does it feel to be able to write only one character? With no storms and tidal waves to brave, have you lost your beauty?

Thank God for the coldest winters that made you.

02/16 Direct Link
Last night, a friend tells me that I may be staying in a cabin by the lake for April. Ordinarily, this would be like winning the lottery. Finally, the smell of the woods in my backyard. Of nature awakening. Yellow on green and brown. Stirring. But these are unfamiliar woods in an unfamiliar rural nowhere. And me with my brown skin. Cabin in the Woods, part deux, anyone?

I am just feeling angsty. I want to go to SoCal and sleep under the sun. I want to be old, comfortable, and months from dying.
02/17 Direct Link
The morning broke with a panic. Minutes before heading out, I could not find anything. Keys, ID, stethoscope, calculator, wallet! Fifteen minutes and an upturned apartment later, I realize that I'm wearing the wrong white coat. Everything was in the pockets of the other one. At work, the ICU stank! I breathed into my sanitized hands. And one of my patients was watching a grossly distracting show. "Did you have sex with your sister?!" Turn that shit off! BUT my preceptor told me that I am doing pretty okay! "Professionalism is excellent." So the day ended on a good note!
02/18 Direct Link

When a man enchants me the way cellos enchant me, I will know that I have found it. Music often moves me, but string instruments are unearthly. How does such a gift float into this tiny world? It belongs in the infinite. Under the notes of Kaze no Toorimichi, the stars connect to one another, and every star winks, blinks, and showers down on us. Fears disappear. Years equal moments equal centuries, and the only absolute truths are the emotions that swell in my heart. Heaven must be the most beautiful piece of music I could hear extending on forever.

02/19 Direct Link
Micah with the dark eyes... asked about me. Says my friend. She's luring me to Florida with this knowledge. "He asked all about you." The lure is working, but my hands are tied and my heart damnedly dead. The last time I saw him was three years ago when I was still with J. Micah was literally the perfect man, probably still is... gorgeous, sweet, caring, intelligent, etc... and really into me. And he knew that I knew how he felt.

Oh, heart, why do you refuse to beat for someone, anyone? Why can I not reason with you?!
02/20 Direct Link

My friends threw a surprise going away party for me last night. I am surprised to find that I love them. And they care for me? Crazy. I deeply love my (ex)boyfriend. Even though the party was tiring for all of us, being in the middle of the week, they were all there, in good spirits, sticking it through. And my dear B… I almost cried when I hugged him at the end of the night. Our relationship may have been a dead end, but our friendship has blossomed into something possibly, hopefully invincible, or so I tell us both.

02/21 Direct Link

I saw a patient in a body bag today.

One of the dieticians said dying patients start to look towards the lights. She showed me. The patient, otherwise mentally absent, lying on the bed with his mouth parted, stared with unseeing eyes at the tube lights. The next day, I saw him staring out the window. “We like to say that they're going towards the light.” But what if it is the opposite? What if our bodies send us backwards in the tunnel… to the darkness? And that is why we strive towards the light. Our last attempts at living.

02/22 Direct Link

Eyes and mind: Numb. Music flows through a hollow head. "And when I touched her skin/ My fingers ran with blood." My ex(b) got me into True Detective. Dat intro music, tho.

Great show. Need to cook chicken. Finished my paper on enteral nutrition in Crohn’s. With a focus on lipid composition! "And the wind will be my hand." My B and I are like Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. He makes me more normal, and I try not to discuss my dark thoughts. But what if we find warmth in sunlight because our soul knows darkness?

Wasted entry: check.

02/23 Direct Link

Don't tell me it's nothing. Don't tell yourself it's nothing because every time you do, your mind is thinking "something" and your nothings become a label for the somethings you wish they weren't.

Similarly, do not get defensive. That shows your guilt if nothing else did. So it looks like I know. I might not know. What are you getting so defensive about?

Your realness does not change my idea of your goodness. I already know you're flawed. Surprise! So am I! But your dishonesty makes you fear me and that pisses me off. I do not deserve your sudden anger.

02/24 Direct Link

Authority fears dissention. Eve in the Garden is a tale to villainize rebellion so that those who speak against religious authority are charged as the Devil's cronies. To be punished.

But every thesis needs an antithesis. Thank you, Hegel, for making this into a dialectic. Every voice needs a Devil's advocate, and every Devil's advocate needs its own antithesis.

Hegel's dialectic is my only hope for mankind, this idiotic species that, like a hydra, forms ten ugly heads where you have cut off one. Every fight is Sisypus pushing the boulder up the hill. No use in being a vigilante. 

02/25 Direct Link

Yesterday's submission was a reflection on the crimes in True Detective. A reflection on human cruelty. Why do we call it inhumanity when humans are the only animals capable of such tortures? Why not call it… oh, I don't know… humanity? Do other creatures degrade and sexually assault their young? No, humans are the festering assholes of this planet, and we all know it. Makes my skin crawl. But I have plans for fighting back! First, money and job security. Next, joining a group to fight poverty and build education. Doing my little part to help this fucked up mess.

02/26 Direct Link

Fear is finally freezing me. This tends to happen at the end of things, and this is month has been rough. I never want to step foot in that hospital again, but two more, never-ending, bone-tiring days await me. Exam on Friday, paper and presentation Thursday, packing to move, five patients per day, writing my first consult note tomorrow. But the worst part is… that my time in this city is up. I thought I would be overjoyed, but my joy is dampened by losing so much at once. B, his dog, my friends. Every silver lining has a cloud.

02/27 Direct Link

I called him The Stats Professor of My Dreams. Not to his face.

Things were strange from Day One. He came in with a motorcycle helmet and announced to the class that he was married. Random, I thought. He was just a teacher to me. To be respected, if anything. Some girl hit on him though. Asked him if he had a facebook. Gross, I thought. With some snarky comment, he shut her up fast, and our class breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Taking roll, he mispronounced my name. "It's spelled wrong. Ever thought of correcting it?" The fuck?

02/28 Direct Link

Sometimes people cry when they get yelled at or made to feel stupid, but I did not cry all month.  Then, today, a nurse makes fun of Indians, and I decide to put my foot down. I told the dietician on my team that I was offended. I should have just addressed him. I had hoped she would just mention it to him later. Instead, she gets upset, speaks to him, and he gets upset and apologizes to me profusely. Facing him, somehow, hit a nerve. I forgave him, of course, but then I ended up crying behind the stairs.