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08/01 Direct Link
seven years
"why don't you love me?" I exclaimed
it echoed
you love someone else
have I not the character you want?
Am I nothing?
"why don't you love me?" I repeated
maybe if I was better
I'll leave now
"I'm sorry," you said
I felt shitty
I mean normal
when I'm older
I'll have two hearts
one for breaking
one for myself
if I had two now
you might have killed both
kill my thoughts
not my love
pardon my hearts
you looked at me
I could see you were 
scared and weak
it's very silly
this love
business   
08/02 Direct Link
was I too bold
for one kiss?
I thought about our
first time
I can't forget it
we've lived since then
in this disappointing world
IT was good
time steals all things
what we were
what I was
they are gone
the dregs are in me
also, I'm washed up
everybody can tell
I might be trying too hard
It seems irresponsible 
"he tried to kiss me," you'll tell them
at dinner
"after what he did"
a woman will laugh
her mouth open
as if she knew 
IT
couldn't we just cuddle?
and stop believing in
the passing of time
 
 
08/03 Direct Link
Today, I had to wake up before I wanted. I went to a place I didn't want to go. Someone I don't like told me to do things I didn't want to do. Talked to people I didn't want to talk to. I sat in purgatory making minimum wage. Then I saw a homeless man napping on a bench. It was a beautiful day. I wanted to nap on a bench. Then bum some money and get a sandwich and beer. Do some drugs. Scare a few normals. Watch the sunset. The homeless live a charmed life. Until it rains. 
08/04 Direct Link
Ummm...
Well?
I don't know.
Come on.
I don't know. 
Make a decision.
You make a decision.
I don't care either way. 
At all?
Not really.
I guess...
Yes?
Well...
What?
I hate making decisions. 
I can see that.
What about both?
No. 
I thought you didn't care.
I care enough.
Then you choose. 
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe?
Leave it to fate?
You believe in fate?
I don't know.
Well it's fate whether it's random or not. 
A man makes his own destiny.
So you don't believe in fate?
I haven't decided. 
You can never decide. 
Okay. McDonald's.
Good decision.  
 
08/05 Direct Link
On Monday, I drank two magnum bottles of cheap white wine. On Tuesday, I drank 22 beers. On Wednesday, I drank a liter of whiskey. On Thursday, I drank another liter of whiskey. On Friday, I drank twelve beers and two bottles of wine. On Saturday, I drank everything the bar would give me. On Sunday, I wanted to drink whiskey, but the liquor store was closed. I had ten margaritas at a Mexican joint instead. They say the human body is 70 percent water. I'm participating in a groundbreaking biological experiment. I guess you could say I'm a scientist.   
08/06 Direct Link
I ordered a whiskey on the rocks. The bartender was Donna. She had three bachelors degrees. She was 58 and bartending so I don't know if I believe her. Jon sat nearby. He was 52 and had no front teeth. He said I was too young to be drinking whiskey straight. I said why wait till I'm older, the whiskey is good now. He had been an exterminator, bus driver, landscaper, contractor, plumber for a bit, and had drank through all of them. I don't have the guts to live that many lives. I can barely drink though the one. 
08/07 Direct Link
Went to the doctor with a genital issue. Doctor came into the room followed by a little Asian girl. Medical student. She looked twelve. "This is Jen. She's following me today. Go ahead and pull down your pants." "No foreplay?" I took it out. My penis isn't the prettiest thing in the world to begin with. Under florescent lights, in mixed company, it barely passed as male genitalia. "Congratulations, you have gonorrhea." Well, fuck. I felt bad for Jen mostly. I'm sure she didn't wake up thinking, "I hope I see a fat white guy's flaccid penis before lunch today."
08/08 Direct Link
O, we used to live
the drugs
the sex
the LOVE
we hurdled mountains
sailed over the moon
we were invincible 
life couldn't kill us
life envied us
"I never want to be hurt
or INJURED"
like a cat
always on our feet

it turned somewhere

now I sit
I lay
sweating
no AC
102 degrees
the spiders watch the flies
I watch the spiders 
and I sweat
and I drink whiskey
straight from the bottle
maybe I'll forget San Diego
or Europe
or camping
or the shower
or the LOVE
until then 
it's just the spiders and me 
waiting
08/09 Direct Link
"I don't think we should have sex anymore"
"I didn't know that's all we were doing"
it was something different for me
I was just a fuck buddy
a placeholder
help you through the drought
I fell in love
like an idiot
as if I knew what love was
I knew I wanted you
all of you
your orgasms 
your kisses
your knees
I knew it wouldn't last
but I wished it would
a fool's wish
I'm a "womanizer"
you felt insecure
I did too
I knew I could love you
forever
thank you
for using me
I regret nothing
08/10 Direct Link
throw it against the wall
all your shit
 
fuck your computer
fuck your money
fuck your family
what are you worth?

throw your SELF against the wall 
fuck all of it
who has it helped?
give it up
 
stop pretending your phone is important
stop pretending your thoughts are important
fuck your arguments
fuck your happiness 
throw it against the wall
come clean
what's left?

society keeps churning
like the witches' kettle 

fuck your yoga class
fuck your job
fuck your love
throw it against the wall

you are alone
complete freedom

what do you have to say for yourself?
08/11 Direct Link
We went out on the boat with a 24 pack of beer. Life always seems better when you're drinking before noon. It's just a brown murky river, but we had the beer. We anchored and drank and took turns jumping off the boat. Floated drunkenly around for a few hours. She put on Tom Petty. There was no need to say anything. It could all be said some other time, in some other place. Some people spend too much time saying the same things they said yesterday. Sometimes you just have to sip your beer and agree with the world.  
08/12 Direct Link
There was a man with boobs wearing a thong leotard. Big boobs. It was most definitely a man though. He danced onstage and sang along to some pop song. It was my first drag show. My gay friend Steven said,"Now that ain't natural." "No shit," I said. Entertaining though it was. We went to the bar to get more beer. The bartender flirted with Steven. The man with big boobs came to the bar and talked to me. He asked if I wanted a blowjob. No thank you. I'm not gay, but if I was, I could do better. 
08/13 Direct Link
She took me back to her place. We made out on the couch. I tried to take her panties off, but she wouldn't let me. We moved to her bedroom. She wouldn't let me go down on her. She finally let me take her panties off and I fingered her a little. She was really wet. She wouldn't let me do anything else. We fell asleep. I woke up and washed my face and used my finger as a toothbrush. I got out of there. Walking down the street, I looked at my fingers. Dried blood. It all hit me. 
08/14 Direct Link
Do we have anything else in common
Other than the weather?
Is that team going to be better this year?
Oh, the traffic
And some movie this
And some celebrity that
Don't we have anything else in common?
Is it supposed to be this mundane?
I guess I'll ask about work
You don't want to talk about it
Neither do I
What do you want to talk about?
How I get so anxious at night I can't sleep?
How cheap the rope is at Home Depot?
How I love someone
Completely
But she will never love me?

Enjoy the silence
08/15 Direct Link
She asked me to cut the price tag off her dress. She turned her back to me and moved her hair to the side. I took the scissors and stood behind her. I smelled her shampoo. I looked at her bare neck and shoulders. Her beautiful soft skin. I cut the tag. I put my hand on her shoulder. She leaned into me. I kissed her softly on the neck. "Don't," she said. I put the scissors down and threw the tag in the trashcan. "I'm in love with you," I said. I hope she had fun on her date. 
08/16 Direct Link
eerie jazz, itchy grass, and sweaty palms
we play
it's easy
if you don't try
it's easy
the more you try the harder it gets
I want it so bad
relax!
be!
how to stop if you're doing nothing?
they are entertaining us 
they know it
I don't blame them 
they are the free
the free which I strive for 
They who don't know
or mind
I want to return the magic
instead I smile and laugh
hoping to disappear
one day I will be free
let it all go 
and for a moment
I'll let the world see me
08/17 Direct Link
I thought I wanted to live like a rich person. Go to fine restaurants. Put down my card without looking at the bill. Drive a new car every year. Pay for valet parking. Tip with a $100 bill because that's all I had. Seemed easy. Stress free. Then I thought, "Where's the personality in that?" There's a certain freedom one gets when they don't know if they will be able to pay the rent. Or eat. If life isn't a battle, if it doesn't take somthing out of you, is it worth living? I'd rather be a warrior than rich. 
08/18 Direct Link
Drinking can kill you
Or you can die from malaria
Identification of priorities is necessary
A great time
The greatest time 
Is always the first time
Of travel 
Of drugs
Of love
Young obliviousness

Record everything
Never mention a memory
Only write in dark black ink
Make them remember you
In the shower
When the button their shirt
Be unassuming 
When you shred their hear

Although, 
You could enjoy youth
With the confidence
That you will die solo
The best way to go 
One Sunday in November
One last first time
Behind closed doors

Hope you had a great time
08/19 Direct Link
fuck people
don't think that you don't deserve it
cook for people
let them think that the meal is just a another meal
there are years into that meal
that bite
it's so good
no
it's beautiful
more went into that bite than went into you
you are just some cum
some orgasm
a meal is years in the making
close your eyes
let it be your world
you are a part of something
something that might change a mind 
it's a metaphor
it's the celery
the garlic
the wine
everything will lose its peak
life could be an incredible soup 
08/20 Direct Link
I probably don't like you
people are the worst
with their voices
and thoughts
and opinions
just something they heard
there are no feelings anymore
we are actors
hoping we are playing it right
we aren't 
if we were
we wouldn't be so unhappy
we wouldn't hurt each other
we have to bring everyone down
to our shitty level
where we dwell
alone
hoping for company
in another tiny room
on an unmade bed
wishing for
wanting for
who knows
but death won't take us
he hides around the corner
worried we might take him first
death is a pussy
08/21 Direct Link
Rent is due in nine days. $260. I have $216 in my account. I should be able to make $100 in the next nine days. $316. Plus there's a check for about $30 waiting for me. $346. Subtract food for nine days. Let's say $30. Cans of tuna are only 88 cents. That's a days worth of food. A pound of turkey meat is $5. Plus miscellaneous drunk purchases. Speaking of. Whiskey for nine days. A liter is $11.86. That's two days, if I'm conservative. $47.44. Call it fifty. $346 minus $80. $266. $6 to spare. It's a good month.
08/22 Direct Link
when I left New York
I had my whole body
by Philadelphia
I had lost some fingers
by D.C.
I had lost an arm
by South Carolina 
I had lost both arms
by Atlanta
I had lost some toes
in Alabama I was down to my knees
on a bus to New Orleans
I lost my smile
when the sun rose 
on Houston
I had no legs
one ear
and was half blind
as I lay in Houston
I lost it all 
I thought about going back
for my body
but no
I moved to Austin 
with only my heart
08/23 Direct Link
I was running down what I thought was Park Avenue. I needed to get to 16th and 7th ave. That's where she was. I was running north when I thought I was running south. I lied to the cab driver when I told him I had cash. I was drunk. I remember a wooden bar. Shots. Her friends. Some apartment. In the morning I asked, "Do you know where we are?" "Yeah, my apartment. Do you mind getting on the couch? I have a boyfriend." I guess she didn't have a boyfriend last night when I was inside of her. 
08/24 Direct Link
I wrote the letter. It probably had some misspelled words or something. I threw it out. I sat in the warm bath with the razor looking at me for about two hours. What is pain? Neurons firing in the brain? What is death? The lack of working neurons? I got out of the bath and went to the closet. The belt buckle pinched my neck. How do I tie this to anything? I went to the hall closet and pulled out my shotgun. Loaded it with buckshot. I went out into the street and put the barrel in my mouth. 
08/25 Direct Link
She was growing. We couldn't stop it. The doctor couldn't get drunk enough and then he was too drunk. She grew till she broke the bed. We kept drinking whiskey to help us think. The oranges were good but couldn't be cut into fifths correctly. She got so big only two of us could fit in the room. The Drunkard was in love with a Monet painting and ran off to Switzerland. She grew so large she took the roof off. The puzzle didn't help. Then she exploded. And we wept. For fear that we might have to be ourselves. 
08/26 Direct Link
Her phone rang. She sat up in bed and answered. "Hey babe." It was her boyfriend. We were both naked. I looked at her beautiful body as she sat there. She always sat up when it was her boyfriend. She would stay lying if it was anyone else. I guess she didn't want to look at me while she talked to him. Made her feel worse about it. What made me feel worse was that she still had him. She told me she loved me. We spent more time together. I suppose I'm not boyfriend material. Just meant for play. 
08/27 Direct Link
I ordered two whiskeys. Then I was talking to someone. I blacked out. I heard later that I got kicked out of the club for taking off my shirt. Then I stood in the street yelling at the cars to hit me. I laid in front of a car and my friends dragged me away. I yelled. A yawp. I ran away when they tried to put me in the car. Once in the car, I hung out the window and gave the finger to all the cars. At home I ate a whole bag of chips with guacamole. Alafuckingbama. 
08/28 Direct Link
maybe Hertzberg was wrong
maybe I don't have intrinsic
or extrinsic 
motivation
I don't seem to have any motivation
money?
keep it
sex?
I can go without
happiness?
pride?
self-fulfillment?
no thanks
but everyone has a motivation
mine might be to do nothing
I'm motivated to have the ability 
to do nothing
I work
to make money 
to pay rent 
so I have a place to do nothing
I do my laundry
go to the bank
take a shower
write something
as fast as I can
so I have more time
to do nothing
there are worse things
than dying 
08/29 Direct Link
I walked down Bourbon Street with a flask of whiskey in my back pocket. The bros and high-heeled girls stumbled past me. I took swigs of my flask and looked at all the short skirts and low blouses. All the trash in the street bothered me. All the lights made me sad. I wandered off onto a side street. If was dark and quiet. I went into a corner and took a piss. Walking, now alone in the French Quarter, it really was beautiful. New Orleans just makes sense. Like most places, though, its beauty is wasted on the mob.  
08/30 Direct Link
We were walking across campus. It must have been three in the morning. Nobody around. We were drunk. We stopped and made out every few feet. She whispered in my ear, "I want you. Right here." I agreed. We walked until we found a dark stairway that went down to a single door of a basement. We stumbled down the stairs grabbing at each other. There was a light on inside the door. She knocked loud and my heart jumped. No answer. We were alone in our little stairway. She turned around and bent over. I pulled down her pants. 
08/31 Direct Link
there are mosquitoes
flies
spiders
roaches
beetles
tiny ants
and me
it's a crowded room
and they don't like to share
but they make room
for my whiskey bottles
they listen to me
they pretend not to 
but they hear me 
when I weep
that's why they don't leave
they know 
the struggle
it's good to be in familiar company
my little ecosystem of 
the forgotten
the freaks
everyone wants us dead
but we sit here
and laugh
you won't catch us
after death gets you
and the ice age comes
it will be just me 
and my bugs