I felt really proud of
something that i did at work yesterday - this does NOT happen often in my line of
work. I'd love to share it - it's a tangible result of a project full of
long hours - and it's actually creative, and impressive. Sadly, it's also
confidential and proprietary - so even when i do something that i really take
pride in, it doesn't go much further.
It shouldn't matter - pride
should be personal, and not need validation from anyone - but still, an 'atta
boy' is nice to hear.
Listen up, bosses out there.
What should have been a
nice family moment was ruined, and I’m still not so sure why. The set stage: I was driving, A in the passenger seat, P in
her carseat, crying like a maniac. I
sang to her, and she calmed down, eventually quiet. I kept on singing to her, try to keep her
calm until we got home, until I was told, with a tone, to stop my singing. I responded that she could have asked me
nicely – and the defense was ‘you would have gotten upset regardless’. Guess that’s a great reason not to be gentle.
I feel like all i do is
complain here, and use this as a vent to let my steam through. So be it,
The work that I was so proud
of a few days ago finally received some feedback – and of course, rather than
any encouragement or kudos, just a bullet pointed list of things she’d
change. Unfounded, often wrong, and
disagreed on by the client, but she never cares much for that. Just her own vision, even if it’s a wrong
Evening arguments at
home. Overall: predictably shitty Monday. But hey, at least I ate pizza.
I'm catching up now. I was a few days behind, so not only do I not
remember what to write about, I don’t remember what order to not remember to
write it in.
I had a dream that my mother died. An older woman who she works with called to
give me the news – very nonchalant. “Oh,
your mom went in for some tests, but she didn’t make it”.
I called her.
She’s fine. I feel like that
woman will live forever, just so that she can spend centuries telling everyone
how rough immortality is.
Complaining: what keeps her
It’s Saturday, writing for Wednesday. Nothing to say, really. Every day this week is the same as the
last. Busy at work and tense at home. Feeling like nothing I do or say at home is
right – and more and more thankful for the baby to act as a buffer, and put a
bubble of love around the otherwise negative bubbles.
Even when she’s not on her best behavior, she
still helps. She’s a distraction from
anger, even when she creates it. An
inspiration in days that are otherwise gloomy – and an ever-present smile on my
face to cover frowns.
When I was really young, I had a dream about clowns breaking
into my grandparents’ house. I opened
the door for them – I was, in real life and dream life, too small to see
through the peep-hole. I cracked the
door open to see who was knocking, and the clowns barged in, killing me, my parents,
brother, grandparents, and I think even my cousins and their parents.
I remember the details vividly, even though it was over 20
years ago that I had this dream – and ever since then, I have truly, deeply,
hated clowns or anything remotely like them.
My boss: the most awkward woman in the
world. Brilliant woman, but socially inept.
On a conference call today, a
client made a small, sarcastic joke. She paused, let his joke sink
in, and then said “Oh. You made a joke”.
Reminds me of an episode
of..Scrubs, I think? Where someone has a
girlfriend who doesn’t laugh, and always just says “that’s so funny” without
any expression. That’s her to a tee.
I wonder how she is as a wife and
mother. Maybe she is SO warm at home
that she has none left for the office?
Had some time to myself
today, no wife or baby around, but wasted it. No
video games, or naps – just messed around online. Then a text that she had locked her keys in
her car and needed a rescue, so goodbye solitude.
Isn’t it strange how when you’re alone, you want to be around
people – but when you’ve got people around, sometimes the only thing you want
is to be by yourself?
A pretty uneventful second father’s
day. Like last year, ended up spending
the better part of the day with the in-laws, and got in a mini-tiff about
I get that I can’t have it
both ways forever, though. When she
grows up, I’ll want P to want to spend father’s day with me, even if she has a
husband and kids of her own – so I can’t be selfish with it now. Gotta set the
example for her, and all that.
Still, it’s rare as an adult
to have your “own” day – so I want my day, damn it.
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then
they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the
virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not
want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will
have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”
- Marcus Aurelius
I read this quote today and really enjoyed it – that’s all I've got to say. No specific thoughts deeper
What a game. Bad
Anyway, if I had to give one
piece of advice to a couple getting married it would be: Learn how to fight with each other.
There are right ways, and
there are wrong ways – unfortunately, we get stuck in the wrong ways too
No name calling. No yelling.
Disagreement is good. It’s healthy, it can strengthen you. But if you get so caught up in the fighting
that you lose sight of the fight, then you’re in for some trouble.
Don’t yell at each other. Be kind.
Even when you’re furious.
A girl at work is spending $18,000 on a trip to England to
study the bible, etc. I don’t know much
about Jesus, but I doubt he would approve.
It’s one of my problems with most churches. So much spent on superficial– audio systems,
picnics, camps... So LITTLE spent on the
homeless, hungry, people in NEED.
I don’t think that I’ll ever REALLY feel at home at a church
that spends more on ANYTHING than they do on helping the poor and hungry. If
that’s not where the majority of your collections goes…I’m out. I wonder if that place exists.
I wish I had experimented with more drugs when I was
younger. Now, those days and those
opportunities are clearly over, and that’s fine, and good.
And definitely I’m glad that I wasn’t too crazy, and didn’t
ever have to deal with any of the struggles of addiction.
But still. I like
feeling…different. I like the feeling of
being half-awake, half-asleep. A bit
light-headed and fluffy.
I like the times when I did take some substances, though
they were in my 20s and rare. The bits
and pieces that I remember are remembered fondly..for the most part. Except for spiders.
Almost the weekend!
Fell asleep on the couch again, so another dream to tell
about. I saw an incredible rainbow, and
had to call A to tell her to look at it.
While calling, I ran a red light, got pulled over, and blah blah.
The rainbow, though, was so bright and vivid – not the
realistic dull hues, but like shiny plastic strips in the sky.
Being color blind sucks when I think about dreams like
that. Maybe that’s how things look to
the average person – a word of color and beauty, and I can only see it properly
A goodbye to Shirley, off to Chicago. A’s original protector, questioning my
motives before we even dated. I joked
with her that she tried to stop P from existing.
It’s rare that we see her, but still sad to see her go – a goodbye
to an era more than to a person.
Another toddler there – older than P, but I think less
impressive. She’s a keeper.
An afternoon headache put a damper on the evening – but still
got through a few in our Lostscapades.
It’s getting good.
What’s up with the hatch? Who are
the “Others”? Will they be rescued??
I ate Sonic today. Deliciously terrible. Stayed home this morning with A in the
nursery. Played a bit of video games. Then hung out with the baby. A nice little Sunday.
Checked out the moon with
P. She’s unsurprisingly a fan.
I woke up yesterday thinking
it was a weekday and I had to go to work – a great feeling. Almost as good as the feeling of a Sunday night
A creaky bed creates a world
of problems when you have a sleeping baby in the next room over. I don’t know how to fix it.
Acromegaly doesn’t sound
like much fun.
Can result in severe
disfigurement, complicating conditions, and premature death if unchecked.
Because of its pathogenesis and slow progression, the disease is hard to
diagnose in the early stages and is frequently missed for years until changes
in external features, especially of the face, become noticeable.
A fun day at work ramping up
for some Acro business.
All of the work we do in
rare disease states – hemophilia, HIV, Cancers, makes me remember how lucky we
have it, and puts things in perspective for me constantly.
I want McDonalds
nuggets. 20 pieces for $4.99
It feels like a Friday. It felt that way yesterday too. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad
thing – every day feeling good, but disappointed. Do those feelings balance each other out, or
does one outweigh the other?
Being color blind really depressed
me today. Someone edited a picture of
flowers and messed with the color scheme so that I could see it the way that
average people can – and it really hit me hard how much beauty I miss every
We all do, though. Just for different reasons.
Open your eyes. Abre Los Ojos.
I put Park to sleep
tonight. She doesn’t let me do that too
People say that holding a
sleeping baby is a relaxing thing – PSHAH, I say to them. Such stress when you try to get her to
sleep. Don’t sneeze! Don’t have an itch! Hope your phone is on silent!
And then the things out of
your control…hope the dog doesn’t bark.
Hope the cats aren’t assholes (an ambitious one).
Made dinner plans in NYC with
Wes and Sam. “Strip House”…oh, those
clever foxes of marketing. A steak
place, of course. Looking forward to
seeing those crazy kids.
Today is July 2nd, and I am trying to finish up
last week. Every day kind of blurs,
though. Was Thursday the night we ate
boca burgers? Or grilled cheese?
Did I put P to sleep, or did we switch, or did she go to bed
Did we watch two episodes of lost, or three? We were still wrapping up season 2, I think. Is this when XXXXXX got killed (no spoilers
I think this was the day when I told someone at work that my
28 year old body is home to a trapped, old man.
But Friday – I should remember Friday. I remember that we finished season 2 of lost,
and I fell asleep on the couch. I
remember Alicia going up at 5:30 or so, and asking if I was coming, and me
declining, thinking that it was a weekday morning and I would have to get up
for work soon, so there was no point to it.
I remember P waking up an inordinate amount of times after
going to bed, and wondering why.
Brian thought Ashley was pregnant. She isn’t.
I don’t know what to say to that. Good. They are relieved.
I DON’T go to work on Saturday!
We debated so long about what to eat for breakfast that I ended
up skipping it and powering through until lunch time. Chili for lunch. Thank goodness for sour cream.
Alicia went to the grocery store and Parker and I played
outside with the hose. She was hesitant
at first, but by the time her skin was hot and I made her come inside, she was
pissed to be forced to leave.
She goes through the dog door now. Just another way to escape her parents and
terrify us – 1.5 going on 16.
We skipped church today.
Stayed home and had a lazy Sunday – no different from many days, but I typically
prefer lazy to its more strenuous alternatives.
It’s like 120 degrees today.
Insanity in Phoenix. Time to just
stay inside if you can help it. Too hot outside for babies or adults. $350 air conditioning bill this month, but so
be it. It’s practically free in the
Josh and Becky’s anniversary. What a strange year for my brother. This first year of marriage has completely
transformed him into a different person.
For better or worse? Time
will tell. Another evolution.