BY Eric B

06/01 Direct Link
A new phone today, after two years.  Transferring everything from old to new feels like betraying an old loyal friend for a pretty new one, and making the old friend drive to our first date.  But still - my new friend can turn my TV on and off, and can recognize my face to unlock, so I can only feel bad for a moment.  I also...immorally procured a part from home depot today to fix a sink, and I immorally procured it in the wrong size.  I think that qualifies as ironic, but who really knows?
06/02 Direct Link
We watched End of Watch last night.  A good enough movie, and as often happens with this type, made me wish that i had a job where i was making a difference.  Woke up today to work on a spreadsheet, filling in an operations audit.  And if no one did this job, the world would be no different. I know, police work isn't as glamorous as the movies make it seem, and of course a danger - but there's  something amazing about being able to make a difference in the life of a stranger - as your job!
06/03 Direct Link
Did Philly write yesterday? It doesn't look like it - off to a bad start, my friend.  Too bad about the Pacers losing to the heat tonight - but at least i have reading to look forward to later tonight.  The found treasure form the bottom shelf  easily pushes the new Dan Brown joint aside.  
It does answer an age old question, though.  DO people really change?  CAN they?  
I have the answer now, most definitely.  People can and do change. For better, for worse - a person becomes someone new before your eyes. Keep watching.
06/04 Direct Link
A superficial conversation turned serious.  A headache, a joke about an aneurysm, and all of a sudden a conversation of what would we do, each of us, as a single parent.  Different visions of how to raise her leading to talks about family, perceptions, relationships.  No right and wrong, just different views of a picture.  

But seriously, what would I do if i was suddenly a single dad?  I don't know.  I'd struggle.  I'd cry a lot.  I'd struggle to pretend to be strong while falling apart.  Pretty much the standard.
06/05 Direct Link
A busy day at work today, working late as per the new normal.  The craze should die down soon, though.  Had a thought today about how interesting it is that we often treat the people we care about most the worst.  I use language and voice volumes at home that if anyone did in an office, it would be ridiculous.  You don't yell at a person at work, or yell at the teller at the bank - but somehow we all do it to our loved ones.  I assume that everyone's guilty of it, anyway.
06/06 Direct Link
Woke up with a headache today that i have yet to shake.  Fell asleep on the couch and gave up on the idea of going upstairs once midnight struck.  Belly full of cheese, mind full of the weird dreams that the couch always seems to give me. Pizza man's dad got in a fight with another old man, as i watched and did nothing.  a badge on the floor, and spilled water making me slip as i walked towards the scene.  
As always, like i said.  Better sleep in bed, better dreams on the couch.
06/07 Direct Link
How many real, unique chapters do we all go through in life?

Significant, differentiated ones - not superficial "i started a new job" chapters.  Ones where we, as a person, are different from the person in the chapter before?  I'm currently living through what i see as a third chapter of A, having just read chapter 2, and currently reading chapter 1.  A bit backwards, to be sure.

What will chapter 4 bring for us?  Chapters 5 and 6?  Or is chapter 3 a long, final chapter, each page turn bringing us closer to "Fin"?
06/08 Direct Link

I felt really proud of something that i did at work yesterday - this does NOT happen often in my line of work.  I'd love to share it - it's a tangible result of a project full of long hours - and it's actually creative, and impressive.  Sadly, it's also confidential and proprietary - so even when i do something that i really take pride in, it doesn't go much further.

It shouldn't matter - pride should be personal, and not need validation from anyone - but still, an 'atta boy' is nice to hear. 

Listen up, bosses out there. 

06/09 Direct Link

What should have been a nice family moment was ruined, and I’m still not so sure why.  The set stage:  I was driving, A in the passenger seat, P in her carseat, crying like a maniac.  I sang to her, and she calmed down, eventually quiet.  I kept on singing to her, try to keep her calm until we got home, until I was told, with a tone, to stop my singing.  I responded that she could have asked me nicely – and the defense was ‘you would have gotten upset regardless’.  Guess that’s a great reason not to be gentle. 

06/10 Direct Link

I feel like all i do is complain here, and use this as a vent to let my steam through.  So be it, for now.


The work that I was so proud of a few days ago finally received some feedback – and of course, rather than any encouragement or kudos, just a bullet pointed list of things she’d change.  Unfounded, often wrong, and disagreed on by the client, but she never cares much for that.  Just her own vision, even if it’s a wrong one. 

Evening arguments at home.  Overall: predictably shitty Monday.  But hey, at least I ate pizza. 

06/11 Direct Link

I'm catching up now.  I was a few days behind, so not only do I not remember what to write about, I don’t remember what order to not remember to write it in.


I had a dream that my mother died.  An older woman who she works with called to give me the news – very nonchalant.  “Oh, your mom went in for some tests, but she didn’t make it”.


I called her.  She’s fine.  I feel like that woman will live forever, just so that she can spend centuries telling everyone how rough immortality is.  Complaining:  what keeps her going. 

06/12 Direct Link

It’s Saturday, writing for Wednesday.  Nothing to say, really.  Every day this week is the same as the last.  Busy at work and tense at home.  Feeling like nothing I do or say at home is right – and more and more thankful for the baby to act as a buffer, and put a bubble of love around the otherwise negative bubbles.


Even when she’s not on her best behavior, she still helps.  She’s a distraction from anger, even when she creates it.  An inspiration in days that are otherwise gloomy – and an ever-present smile on my face to cover frowns. 

06/13 Direct Link

When I was really young, I had a dream about clowns breaking into my grandparents’ house.  I opened the door for them – I was, in real life and dream life, too small to see through the peep-hole.  I cracked the door open to see who was knocking, and the clowns barged in, killing me, my parents, brother, grandparents, and I think even my cousins and their parents.


I remember the details vividly, even though it was over 20 years ago that I had this dream – and ever since then, I have truly, deeply, hated clowns or anything remotely like them.

06/14 Direct Link

My boss:  the most awkward woman in the world.  Brilliant woman, but socially inept.

On a conference call today, a client made a small, sarcastic joke.  She paused, let his joke sink in, and then said “Oh.  You made a joke”. 




Reminds me of an episode of..Scrubs, I think?  Where someone has a girlfriend who doesn’t laugh, and always just says “that’s so funny” without any expression.  That’s her to a tee.


I wonder how she is as a wife and mother.  Maybe she is SO warm at home that she has none left for the office?  Doubtful, though.

06/15 Direct Link

Had some time to myself today, no wife or baby around, but wasted it. No video games, or naps – just messed around online.  Then a text that she had locked her keys in her car and needed a rescue, so goodbye solitude.


Isn’t it strange how when you’re alone, you want to be around people – but when you’ve got people around, sometimes the only thing you want is to be by yourself?


I love having them around, for sure – but every now and then, it sure would be nice to go hide in a cave.  With electricity.  An electric cave. 
06/16 Direct Link

A pretty uneventful second father’s day.  Like last year, ended up spending the better part of the day with the in-laws, and got in a mini-tiff about it. 


I get that I can’t have it both ways forever, though.  When she grows up, I’ll want P to want to spend father’s day with me, even if she has a husband and kids of her own – so I can’t be selfish with it now. Gotta set the example for her, and all that.


Still, it’s rare as an adult to have your “own” day – so I want my day, damn it. 

06/17 Direct Link

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” - Marcus Aurelius


I read this quote today and really enjoyed it – that’s all I've got to say.  No specific thoughts deeper than that. 

06/18 Direct Link

What a game.  Bad result, though.


Anyway, if I had to give one piece of advice to a couple getting married it would be:  Learn how to fight with each other. 


There are right ways, and there are wrong ways – unfortunately, we get stuck in the wrong ways too often. 


No name calling.  No yelling.  No violence. 


Disagreement is good.  It’s healthy, it can strengthen you.  But if you get so caught up in the fighting that you lose sight of the fight, then you’re in for some trouble.


Don’t yell at each other.  Be kind.  Even when you’re furious.

06/19 Direct Link

A girl at work is spending $18,000 on a trip to England to study the bible, etc.  I don’t know much about Jesus, but I doubt he would approve.


It’s one of my problems with most churches.  So much spent on superficial– audio systems, picnics, camps...  So LITTLE spent on the homeless, hungry, people in NEED.


I don’t think that I’ll ever REALLY feel at home at a church that spends more on ANYTHING than they do on helping the poor and hungry. If that’s not where the majority of your collections goes…I’m out.  I wonder if that place exists.

06/20 Direct Link

I wish I had experimented with more drugs when I was younger.  Now, those days and those opportunities are clearly over, and that’s fine, and good.

And definitely I’m glad that I wasn’t too crazy, and didn’t ever have to deal with any of the struggles of addiction.


But still.  I like feeling…different.  I like the feeling of being half-awake, half-asleep.  A bit light-headed and fluffy.


I like the times when I did take some substances, though they were in my 20s and rare.  The bits and pieces that I remember are remembered fondly..for the most part.  Except for spiders.

06/21 Direct Link

Almost the weekend!


Fell asleep on the couch again, so another dream to tell about.  I saw an incredible rainbow, and had to call A to tell her to look at it.  While calling, I ran a red light, got pulled over, and blah blah.


The rainbow, though, was so bright and vivid – not the realistic dull hues, but like shiny plastic strips in the sky.


Being color blind sucks when I think about dreams like that.  Maybe that’s how things look to the average person – a word of color and beauty, and I can only see it properly asleep. 

06/22 Direct Link

A goodbye to Shirley, off to Chicago.  A’s original protector, questioning my motives before we even dated.  I joked with her that she tried to stop P from existing.


It’s rare that we see her, but still sad to see her go – a goodbye to an era more than to a person.


Another toddler there – older than P, but I think less impressive.  She’s a keeper. 

An afternoon headache put a damper on the evening – but still got through a few in our Lostscapades.

It’s getting good.  What’s up with the hatch?  Who are the “Others”?  Will they be rescued??  

06/23 Direct Link

Happy Sunday!


I ate Sonic today.  Deliciously terrible.  Stayed home this morning with A in the nursery.  Played a bit of video games.  Then hung out with the baby.  A nice little Sunday.

Checked out the moon with P.  She’s unsurprisingly a fan.


I woke up yesterday thinking it was a weekday and I had to go to work – a great feeling.  Almost as good as the feeling of a Sunday night is bad. 


A creaky bed creates a world of problems when you have a sleeping baby in the next room over.  I don’t know how to fix it.  

06/24 Direct Link

Acromegaly doesn’t sound like much fun.


Can result in severe disfigurement, complicating conditions, and premature death if unchecked. Because of its pathogenesis and slow progression, the disease is hard to diagnose in the early stages and is frequently missed for years until changes in external features, especially of the face, become noticeable.  


A fun day at work ramping up for some Acro business. 


All of the work we do in rare disease states – hemophilia, HIV, Cancers, makes me remember how lucky we have it, and puts things in perspective for me constantly. 


I want McDonalds nuggets.  20 pieces for $4.99  

06/25 Direct Link

It feels like a Friday.  It felt that way yesterday too.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing – every day feeling good, but disappointed.  Do those feelings balance each other out, or does one outweigh the other?


Being color blind really depressed me today.  Someone edited a picture of flowers and messed with the color scheme so that I could see it the way that average people can – and it really hit me hard how much beauty I miss every day.


We all do, though.  Just for different reasons. 


Open your eyes.  Abre Los Ojos.  

06/26 Direct Link

I put Park to sleep tonight.  She doesn’t let me do that too often.


People say that holding a sleeping baby is a relaxing thing – PSHAH, I say to them.  Such stress when you try to get her to sleep.  Don’t sneeze!  Don’t have an itch!  Hope your phone is on silent!   


And then the things out of your control…hope the dog doesn’t bark.  Hope the cats aren’t assholes (an ambitious one). 


Made dinner plans in NYC with Wes and Sam.   “Strip House”…oh, those clever foxes of marketing.  A steak place, of course.  Looking forward to seeing those crazy kids.

06/27 Direct Link

Today is July 2nd, and I am trying to finish up last week.  Every day kind of blurs, though.  Was Thursday the night we ate boca burgers?  Or grilled cheese?


Did I put P to sleep, or did we switch, or did she go to bed easily?


Did we watch two episodes of lost, or three?  We were still wrapping up season 2, I think.  Is this when XXXXXX got killed (no spoilers from me!)?

I think this was the day when I told someone at work that my 28 year old body is home to a trapped, old man.

06/28 Direct Link

But Friday – I should remember Friday.  I remember that we finished season 2 of lost, and I fell asleep on the couch.  I remember Alicia going up at 5:30 or so, and asking if I was coming, and me declining, thinking that it was a weekday morning and I would have to get up for work soon, so there was no point to it.

I remember P waking up an inordinate amount of times after going to bed, and wondering why.


Brian thought Ashley was pregnant.  She isn’t. 


I don’t know what to say to that.  Good. They are relieved. 

06/29 Direct Link

I DON’T go to work on Saturday! 

We debated so long about what to eat for breakfast that I ended up skipping it and powering through until lunch time.  Chili for lunch.  Thank goodness for sour cream.

Alicia went to the grocery store and Parker and I played outside with the hose.  She was hesitant at first, but by the time her skin was hot and I made her come inside, she was pissed to be forced to leave. 


She goes through the dog door now.  Just another way to escape her parents and terrify us – 1.5 going on 16.  

06/30 Direct Link

We skipped church today.  Stayed home and had a lazy Sunday – no different from many days, but I typically prefer lazy to its more strenuous alternatives.


It’s like 120 degrees today.  Insanity in Phoenix.  Time to just stay inside if you can help it. Too hot outside for babies or adults.  $350 air conditioning bill this month, but so be it.  It’s practically free in the winter.

Josh and Becky’s anniversary.  What a strange year for my brother.  This first year of marriage has completely transformed him into a different person.


For better or worse?  Time will tell.  Another evolution.