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06/01 Direct Link
Time marches ever forward. I feel that I have written these words and said these words a thousand times. i am in disbelief that so much time has passed since Melanie and I split a part. I desperately want to be her friend and yet I am unable. She hurt me so bad that seeing her tears me into little pieces. Causes me to sink to my knees and howl in pain and anguish. How could she.... and then I remind myself that I could have been the one who needed to leave. In time, maybe I will be able.
06/02 Direct Link
four days pass and time looses its light. I fall between the cracks screaming at the darkness that fills my mind. I paddle as hard as I can and the waves continue to knock me back. I fall and stand back up. I refuse to let go of the past. i refuse to step into the future. I refuse to believe that I am anything more than broken and lost. the words fail to emerge from the light of creation and I stand alone at the edge of all that is and could have been. The lie is unfolding forever.
06/03 Direct Link
I have been good about writing everyday. Here lately though I have been working long days and playing into the night. The water is running and it will be gone in a few moments, like my life. I have a hard time accepting the facts of my life and not becoming angry and jealous at those around me. Even though I know that we all suffer similar fates and believe that we are good people doing the right thing living the right life. And yet the hammer falls and the nail splinters and some doge the blow, while others not.
06/04 Direct Link
My body and mind were so tired yesterday. I felt exhausted and spent. I slept for long hours tossing and turning. The good thing is that she was not beside me anymore to become frustrated by my movements. I sleep alone these days and that is part of the circle of life. I am still working on letting her go. I broke down last night and just let the tears and the pain flow through me. I swore that I would never allow myself to fall into that position with anyone again. I laugh because I know that I will.
06/05 Direct Link
For almost a decade we shared our space together and then she tells me that I am no longer welcome.
Lost in the movements of time
Will the pain ever be gone or will I just numb out to it over time.
Am I capable of creating a future that is awake, or am I falling into the darkness of suffering.
The begin to cease their flow through my mind and are replace by picture and memories of her.
The endless mind creates the joy and the suffering
the choice is mine to indulge and move forward
am I awake
06/06 Direct Link
It is strange to go from being loved to being alone. To loose the light that is life. I came home today to the empty house. I came home with stories of my day and no one to share them with to find the smiles that so warmly greeted me. The anger and disappointment surges and I find that even in sleep I find no peace. I ask for freedom from this pain this hurt this sadness and all I find is more pain and more hurt. Am I forgiven or am I just another soul lost in the moment.
06/07 Direct Link
Yes i am mortal! I am in pain and I am doing my best to accept that my body is not the same as it was twenty years ago. I could not sleep last night because of body pain. I have to be careful and speak my truth. That has always been difficult for me to speak and ask for what I need. Right now I need to not be treated like I am bomber, because I am not. I am not old and I am not young I am somewhere in between. Heres to stepping up and being real!
06/08 Direct Link
Each of the songs that come over the waves of the device scream at me of love lost of times that might get better or maybe death is all that awaits me. I cry inside and scream and rage that she left me. I did not choose and therefore i am the one to suffer the pain that she caused. Some say that I can choose to be happy and ok with her decision and yes thats true and I say fuck you I did not fall out of love she did..... So answer that person will all the answers!
06/09 Direct Link
Another day of time passing. Another day of accepting that the life I new is gone and you are not coming back. I work everyday to find the peace and acceptance of a new way of being. I am lost on some level without you and I continue to try and find something to fill the void left behind. I know that I should be grateful that I am able to continue being and living the life that has emerged for me, and yet I find that each day I think about her and the loss of what life was.
06/10 Direct Link
I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Thats how the song goes and it applies to you. My friends told me to stay away and I did not. I jumped at the chance to start a life with you and now that life is over. I beat the same drum again and again. I watch the days and time pass by and I can not help and feel defeated. You tossed me away so that you could have what you needed. You even told me that it had nothing to do with me. I do not believe that.
06/11 Direct Link
My life consists of work and thinking about my future. Thinking about how to move forward and not backward. It is said that we get what we need when we need it. I think at this moment in my life that I question the validity of that statement. I feel that there are many things that I need right now, and then I step back and recognize that i do have all that I need. It is what I want that I am missing. Not everything we want is good for us, and maybe I need to just enjoy life.
06/12 Direct Link
Its over, there was no reconciliation, no attempt to stop the fire. She and I both let it die and now amongst the grey skies of tomorrow I watch the memories fade. No longer my wife. No longer my friend. Just a shell of a man lost to time and hurt. My pain is minor compared to others, yet it is my pain and I wear it well. Standing on the edge of forgiveness and despair, I wonder if I will be able to continue forward. I am alone and it seems that everyone around is not. I seek the sun!
06/13 Direct Link
what are the days that pass us by. When are the times that make us live and die. you love was like a fire that burned deep in my soul and set off like a wildfire. Now you walk away not looking back. Running to the hills with freedom in your pocket. Leaving me behind to stare at the stars. Lost in the fray of my own misery. Damn you for creating the love that now drives me to pain. Damn you for leaving and walking away. Damn you for causing the love to blossom only to take it away.
06/14 Direct Link
Begin again, start over, only you have nothing new to use. What does it all mean the changes the decisions that we make that are all tied together. The dance that is life the mix and the separation. The choices that linger and the ones that fade. I look around and most of the people seem to be happy living their lives and moving through their daily process. I hope, prey and believe that it will get better that some ray of light of hope will grace my horizon. So I wait and always looking for that moment of joy.
06/15 Direct Link
Sometimes the words do not flow as easy as others. I have been working hard and my body is taking the brunt of most of it. I am beginning to feel the mental strain of the job as well. And through it all I still think about her and the loss of love and family. I continue to fight to keep a good attitude about it all, and yet I am angry and hurt. I am disappointed. I feel the fear growing inside and find that I am lost within my own self. The people I turn to fade out.
06/16 Direct Link
Happy Anniversary to the goodbye of a moment in life a time of forgiveness and a time of anger, bitterness and a sense of betrayal. You will never read these entries and I do not care I just want to go a day without thinking about you. Is it possible? I move through life feeling like a lump of distaste a failure to all that I meet. A the girls tuck their noses in the air and act as though I am a diseased toad lost in the forest of the city. I scream silent into the darkness of shadows.
06/17 Direct Link
Stand tall and walk through the door. It is the right of all to be loved and to be happy. And yet we stand in the victims chain of pain. We fall into the pit that we create and continue to spill. I stand before you as a broken man waiting to decide that I am happy and that I am ready to move on. She got what she wanted! She is happy and fulfilled by her decision and I am not. I am hurt and angry that she tossed me out like trash. Soon there will be no contact...
06/18 Direct Link
"love is a journey", I heard a character in a movie say last night. It was about a man who was severely disabled and was able to find love. I look at myself and I remind that person staring back that I live a fortunate life, a charmed life. I remind myself that even though right now in this moment I am alone and hurt by the choices my ex-wife made, I am blessed. I work to be thankful and grateful everyday and every moment that I can. I am blessed and I am thankful! Peace. love and acceptance.
06/19 Direct Link
I received the letter from the court today saying that the marriage is over. Its done. It has been over for a while and now it is official. What does that mean to me, I am not sure. I am sad and yet no tears have come. I am mostly just numb and with my solitude. The people around me are happy, content and going about their lives as though the world is normal. Let it be, my heart says, and I attempt to be at one with the world and the daily events. Tomorrow will be a better day....
06/20 Direct Link
The love sick and starved individuals that plague this land come to find that it is all a game of change. The waters can rage and they can be calm. The work that is done is sometimes magnificent and other time it is painful and unrewarding. Subjecting ourselves to the patterns and prediction of what we think only brings about disappointment, hurt and the occasional satisfaction of getting it right. The drum of time beats and moves us ever forward toward a destination of uncertainty. The blessings of love and greatness are given to those who believe in the way.
06/21 Direct Link
Summer Solstice come and gone. I missed it and all its glory. I missed going to any kind of party to celebrate the journey around the sun. I missed all that could have been and created my own experience of sleep and searching. I continue to struggle in my attempts to get a strong foothold on my new path. I have slipped and fallen back and I have leaped forward breaking through barriers. It is all a matter of how I see it. I can spin it good and I can spin it bad. I have the power with in.
06/22 Direct Link
I am not sure why I choose to write down words here at this site everyday. There is something therapeutic about it all. I continue to move forward through each day and I wonder if I will ever find love again. The joy that is created by sharing life with another. It is funny how messed up this planet is and the mindsets of so many. I do the best I can and I do not accept that I am failure. I am a good person and sometimes I am an amazing person. I can either sit here and rot....
06/23 Direct Link
hmmm I have a number of things on my mind. I am wondering if she got the envelope. I could go by and check, or i could send her a message. Just the little thought of reaching out to her burns me up and makes me feel all kind of emotion. And so I step back and say oh I will just trust that it is going to be fine. I cannot decide which boat to take my friend in. She is going to fish while I navigate the water. I like doing stuff for others. Life occurs as Awesome.
06/24 Direct Link
Does it matter what words come out of my mouth and are placed upon this page. I am tired and sore. I am tired of thinking and working out what my life is going to be. It already is is it not. I am already in life and going through the motions of the everyday. I am a force to be dealt with and if I can ever get my shit together maybe I can figure out what and where I am going. And how I will get there. It is a game and I am playing at my best.
06/25 Direct Link
Each day is a new one. Every day I stand and look at the world through the eyes of a broken man. I do my best to create opportunity in my world and in my life. I am a month and a half into a job that is limited in what it can offer me. I ramble on and on forward with no good sense of what is real and what is just dream work imagination. I do my best to stay present and a part of the world, a part of the greater good. I am alive and kicking!
06/26 Direct Link
I continue to ask myself what is the point of taking the time to sit here and write down these words. What hope is there when it is already done. She made her choice and and walked that path leaving me behind. She chose another and not me. Even after all the years spent together I became a thorn and needed to be pulled out. Left behind and discarded. I am nothing more than a person that she used to know I am but a shadow of the past and a chain of what could have been. No one left.
06/27 Direct Link
Does it even matter that the drum of the heart still beats and as I move through life I just want to be loved to be happy and that I wonder if it is at all possible to have that hope and dream. I am alone once again with no hope for the possible future. I look around and laugh. am I that much of a screw up? I am I that undesirable to the people of this town that I am dropped and unnoticed by the masses. What a joke I have become. What a loss of that essence.
06/28 Direct Link
Three days until the end of june. Five months have passed since I left. Even though it has all come and gone and the court has made its ruling and our marriage has been dissolved. I still can not believe it. I fires and fuels the rage that is deep within. I get that she did not want to be with me anymore and I also get that I just can not let go. I am hanging on to the words. I am a man lost in the dark running in circles. Trying to find the way out of hell
06/29 Direct Link
Words and words and words. Victims of the race to the top. I do my best to be a good person to stay out of the way. I am alone and time is my enemy and friend. Will I find the love that I so desperately need and want or am I to be a poor sap that just floats in a circle. I carve my path with the help I can find attaching to the dreams of my life and the days of my soul. Lost in the wilderness of time and dreams will the love find me again.
06/30 Direct Link
I ask myself again and again what is wrong with me. Am I that bad of a person that no one finds any love for me, no desire. I do not know how to continue forward with out the pain of rejection. It has happened to much and to often. I seek the dream of awakening the dream of moving forward and letting go of all that does not serve me. Letting go of this life that is before me and moving into the existence of my own doing. I step onto the field and let what will happen go.