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He sat on a limb over looking the bird feeder. The old man had tied some string to the chain in an effort to keep the birds away. This of course did not make any sense seeing as thats what a bird feeder is for, attracting birds. Every time a bird landed the old man came bursting out of the house waving his arms like a mad man. It would not be long now before the old man made his morning appearance. A group of them had already gathered for the festivities it was just a matter of who landed
I am stuck in the triangle of my life. The understanding that its just me now and no one else. She is gone and she was my best friend. None else cares. That is the hardest part of all of this is that i have so few friends and the few that I do have are not here. They are scattered and I am alone. Just me and my roommates. Have you ever been surrounded by people and so desperately alone. It is a horrible feeling of loneliness that I have not felt in a long time. Time to go.
Its a beautiful day outside and I am here inside wallowing in my own self pity and sense of loss. Its a sad place to be I can tell you that. I am lost and alone. Broken, battered and beat up. All because she doesn't love me anymore. How sad is that, to be ruled by the acts of others. I do my best to let it go and just be happy and joyful that I am alive and accept that it is a glorious day outside and I can do whatever I want. Tomorrow will be a better day.
All I want to do is crawl into a hole and disappear. I can not handle this anymore. I want out and the only way out is through that door. It implies so much if I take the steps to go through that door. I can not come back if I go. Its a one way ride. I still feel deep inside that there is so much for me to accomplish, and yet the drive to stand up and take action is absent. It has alluded me, even with all the steps I have taken. I still sit and wonder
Someone once told me that even if you are just taking little steps, eventually, you will get somewhere. I sometimes feels like I am going nowhere and then I look over my shoulder and I can see that I have made progress. Time is constant always moving forward, never backward. We cannot get back our past, it is gone. Lost to the pages of our minds. As I look forward and accept what fate has given me and I have created, I do my best to be grateful. I miss her and will always love her. Time to move on....
The fairy tales make it seem that life is going to be a beautiful experience. We all know that that is just not the way this life operates, and that for each person that tale is very different. As I travel through the pages of my tale, I struggle to keep my boat afloat amongst the storm that rages. The waves of life continue to crash, thrash and hammer at my little boat of life. It was calm for a long time and like the real storms at sea, the rage of mother nature comes in fast and with vengeance.
What am I doing?
I don't know who I am anymore.
The things that used to make me me are like pebbles dropped in a pond disappearing into the depths of what was my life.
I spin the words that have little or no meaning and wallow in the mire that was.
Its all new now and I cannot let her go.
I cling to the memory of us like it is a life raft in the middle of the perfect storm.
I am drowning.
I am lost at sea in the darkness of my fear praying for the light.
I learned last night something that I intuitively knew and didn't want to accept.
I learned that I use my virtues to allow me to be a victim.
I use Loyalty, for example, to be a victim.
I was loyal to my wife and when she cheated on me and left, I stepped into the space of being a victim.
I sent out a heartfelt text to a friend and when she did not respond I became the victim. I attached 'strings' of what I expected from her (to respond).
I create the possibility of Unconditional Love, no strings attached.
The fire that burned for us has been routed
It is gone
Even after six months of being alone
I still cannot believe
That we landed here.
How did this happen?
Why did this happen?
I thought we were doing ok
And she did not, she was not happy
Thats all I have to cling too,
She was not happy.
It does not make it any easier
Makes it harder
I did not see the signs
Our love was strong
It was just a low point
What a sham
What bull shit
Nothing is permanent
It is just me now
I am alone again.
My partner, friend and lover
has moved on.
Into the light of the future
wondering if I will find someone new.
Wondering if I am destined to ride
this wave alone.
It went so fast,
our time together,
so fast .
Now its just about me and
what I want.
Where will I go, What will I do?
There is so much and so little.
I miss her and our time together
How I long to touch her again.
Sadness reigns true and I watch the sun
as it travels West.
Today like almost every other day I mourn the loss of my former life.
I am still here, and my life is very different.
I eat alone.
I have no one to cook for me and she no longer shares meals with me.
It is a lonely existence.
One that I did not truly understand.
The saying goes- it is better to have loved than not loved at all- Bullshit.
It is hard to go from that world into this other space.
I do not know how I would change that because I am grateful for the love we shared.
Stand tall and firm
Look to the west
And then turn around
Home is east
South is the land of warmth
North is the land of cold
Today I stand tall
Then I look away
I look to my heart and
feel its lonely
Peace is a myth
in the eyes of my heart
it knows only pain
Look away and call
to the stars of the moon.
The goddess has left
she has set with the sun
washed away the love
I am a child
lost in the woods of my
I have fooled myself into thinking that I have grown or changed at all It is a big cosmic joke. I have always been somewhat negative when I feel down, and I can also be super positive. Today at this moment I feel down, broken and a waste. I have no friends because I have chosen not to have friends. I have allowed the doors to close and I stand alone in this box. I depended so much on her it is know wonder she left. Am I a victim? Am I just letting life happen? I am creating hell?
On days like this one, I just do not care. I have such hatred and anger that wells up inside that I want to just scream and rage. I have worked so hard to be OK with this life and the circumstances that have happened. I hear myself and the judge inside speaks his mind and rips me a new one. Calling me a stupid fool. I wonder if I am ever to be free of this hurt, of this disappointment. I keep telling myself I have done the best that I can and I wonder if that was enough?
Happiness seems to allude me. I am doing what I love and the first couple of days it was fun, and then it became a job again. Something that I feel I have done enough and that now is the moment to step forward not backward. She haunts me and I can not let her go. I feel alone and my few friends tell me that I create my dynamic. I argue that I want it to be real. Excuses that run through me to the core. Am I really this much of a failure? Have I fallen so far?
Today we set the date for the divorce. June 12, 2013. The chain will be cut and I will be set adrift. I did not want this. She wanted it. I gave her what she asked. I walked away in silence; grateful for the time we had together. The pain it hurts, a scar, a cut so deep that I cannot feel its end. She stopped loving me.... It could have been reversed, I could have stopped loving her. I didn't, I love her more now that she is gone than I did when I slept beside her. Happy Anniversary
Sometimes you gotta check the Ego and just be. I am off to work for the first time in almost two months. Its been nice to have the time off, however I did not do very much during that span of time. I worked on letting go of my past and healing the wounds that are old and ones that are still being created. Life works right? I head off to be a part of something more than myself. Something I have done for twenty thee years and I am at the bottom of the pile. Such is life, yes?
The river is flowing good. Its cold and has a lot of bounce. I am not a young man anymore and with 23 years of experience under my belt, I find I am not as thrilled about doing after work runs as I once was. I guess that goes with the territory. I thought for sure I would sleep like a baby last night. I did not. I woke at three and laid there in and out of consciousness till time to arise for work. It will be a short summer so I best get it in while I can....
Walking the path of self awareness and becoming one with the ways of the self is the goal of my future, and my now. I am living with the pain of heartbreak and disillusionment. I am living with the knowledge that I am one of so many who have felt the pain of loss. That loss can come through many different channels and can be both simple and complicated. Though neither changes the very nature of the pain which is simply hurt. For many they can walk away and let go, and for others the task is not so simple.
The body is sore, and to be quite honest I do not like the cold water.
The push is good it makes the run exciting and challenging, however I enjoy the warm water much more than the cold.
The season is much shorter too, and I have to say that I kind of like that right now.
I am not sure what I will do when it is over. I have not really made future plans. I have been creating the possibility of world travel. I can do that now and If I don't go soon I might never go.
The days roll into one another like waves at the beach. Just took way to long of a nap.... Now I will be up for way longer than I would prefer. The days have become fast and are starting to run together. I have enjoyed learning the river, and though it is cold, it has helped me stay in the present moment. Letting go of thinking about her and being lonely has taken somewhat of a backseat. It is in the evenings that I feel it the most, and I continue to wonder if it will always be like this
I find it interesting that I am drawn to writing about my life and not creating fictitious stories. I love creative writing and this is an excellent platform for creating small blurbs of fiction.
I am in a place in my life where writing is therapy. It is a healing process to allow myself to let go of the pain and suffering through words. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over and that I am not ever going to move forward. I recognize through my writing that I have moved forward and I am healing!
I find it difficult to check the ego and let go of the expectation. I spent a long time yesterday reflecting about she and I. I did my best to let go of the hurt that bubbled up for me. I asked myself today if I fought hard enough for her. I gave her what she wanted.... She wanted to be free, and to be on her own in all ways. So I gave her that opportunity. I sometimes think about us getting back together and I have to laugh. What's the point of a divorce if you stay together?
The Ego stands in the mind demanding to be heard and seen. It is a beacon in the darkness screaming its name over and over. Letting go of my ego is my current task. I work to step out of the light that it cast on me as it demands to be recognized. I continue to create stories wrapped around its core. I ask so very little and yet it does not come.. I open myself to vulnerability and I feel as though I am kicked aside. Let go of the ego and you will find the peace inside you.
I saw a Bald Eagle yesterday.
Its the first one that I have truly had the opportunity to watch and marvel over. I have seen numerous hawks including a couple of Osprey which are one of my chosen spirit animals. I waited a long time to see an Eagle in flight, riding the air currents. It was so beautiful.
Life is so different now without her to tell my stories too, and to listen to hers.
I am grateful.
I keep reminding myself that life is short and that I am fortunate to have loved the way that I did.
There is no hope.
It is a game that can't be won in this case.
I held onto it.
Hoping she would change her mind.
Hoping she would come back and say lets give this another try.
No, hope is dead!
It hurts deep within the soul.
It is a crushing pain that seers like a hot knife cutting through the raw flesh of my existence.
She walked away and I continue to ask myself when will I be able to walk away?
When will the pain of her choice subside?
When will I be able to say hello?
I have done my best to be a good person. I have done my best to be a loving person. I sometimes I am crude and crass. I let loose and put myself out there in a way that for some may be bold and uncouth. I did not mean to offend her, yet I did, and now I am wounded by my own actions. I feel dirty, hurt and disappointed in myself. Once again I stand at the gate of my soul and shake my head, "will I ever learn?" I don't want to be that person and yet....
She returns today from her trip. She went back home. She never called or sent and email. Even though I knew she would not, I still hoped. Its over, I keep telling myself and yet there is this stubborn part of me that just will not let go. I thought that if there was any chance it would have happened. The brick of realization hits me hard. She truly was unhappy with me.... That is a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that while I was happy she was not. She wanted only to be away from me. Damn that hurts
The words come slowly and continue to be influenced by the events of my life. I find it difficult to operate without thinking of her and the confusion that I feel surrounding our break up. She says she still has great love for me, yet not great enough to stay or reconcile the relationship. I hurt when I think of her or hear from her, and want nothing much to do with her even though she continues to attempt to be my friend. How can I be her friend when she caused me so much pain. How can I be....
I was afraid and I over came my fear and set forward on the journey. I scouted my line through the rapids, holes and the drops. I saw where I needed to go and then I went and made good on what I seen. At the top I had fear, questions and doubt. The first hole I hit almost flipped me and made me second guess what I was doing. I swung into the eddie and took a breath. I could not stop now. I wanted to finish what I had started. I put the paddle in the cold water.
Am I where I am supposed to be? I often hear people say that they have received a clear signal that they are where or doing what they are supposed to be. I long to have this clarity. I long to know that I am where I am supposed to be.
The song said I guess I will just be alone for a while. The lyrics spoke to me because that is where I am right now. I am alone, with know one to share my life and adventures with. Tomorrow is unknowable and maybe I will not be alone.
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