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XOXO Author Girl
I don't know what it is but there is something about putting obnoxious makeup on my face, a can of hairspray in my hair and a beautiful costume over my head. Something about putting on these odd shoes that would seem strange should you wear them any other time. There's something about walking out onto a stage and the bright lights shining so bright that the audience is cloaked in a deep black. A natural smile lights up my face and I can't help loving the feeling of being up there and dancing my heart out for everyone to see.
It's like a water color gone wrong.
With all the colors dripping.
The paints are too thin.
And the canvas is ripping.
It's like a beautiful melody.
With a sudden wrong note.
A different key was pushed.
Read wrong what was wrote.
It's like an elegant ballet.
With a misstep and fall.
A tutu on the floor.
The wide eyes of all.
It's an obvious mistake.
A flaw in perfection.
Unable to be erased.
Without any correction.
How do I know what on earth I want? I'm so confused right now I have no idea what to say. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know who I am interested in, I don't really KNOW anything. So why are you asking me all of these questions and pressuring me into making a decision right here right now? I don't know! What if I make the wrong decision? How do I fix it? I'm so lost and I feel like everyone is asking me to plan out the rest of my life.
The feeling of escaping from reality has become as addictive to me as any of the most addictive of drugs. Every time I dare to test the waters it seems I am sucked in completely and I get the feeling that I am completely drowning in this pool of fantasy, where everything around me is false, yet better than what my reality currently is. I know everything I am seeing and feeling is fake, but it's more real to me than reality. To be truthful I am enjoying the waters flooding into my lungs, I like this feeling of drowning.
"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you just may be the world."
I'm not sure what it is about this quote but I can't seem but to love the thought that maybe, just maybe there is someone out there who I matter enough to that I could be considered their world, that there is someone out there that I have influenced to the point where I have made a large impact on their life, because honestly if I could get nothing else, I would want to inspire.
My life in a song:
"I'm tired of waking up in tears. Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears. I'm new to this grief I can't explain. But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain... I'm sick of the past I can't erase. A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace. This mountain of things I still regret. Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget... But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone."
I can still picture your face. I can still hear your voice. I can still feel the love. I can still feel the embrace.
I still feel the pain. I still shed the tears. I still hurt inside me. I still see the stain.
I see the lights. I feel the air. I hear the crying. I taste the nights.
I seem lost. I only wander. I sit down. I fold inward.
I ache. I scream. I daze. I fear.
agony. memory. regret. loss.
My newest idea: and ongoing entry of one of my poems. Hope this works! And hope you all enjoy!
A big family around a big table.
The adults are all talking
the kids are all running around playing.
But every few minutes someone will glance
towards the front door,
hoping to find a newcomer walking in to join us.
And every so often
someone does walk in
to sit down and join the family,
some bringing children,
The Restaurant (cont.)
But then there are the times
where you canít help but look towards the other door,
the one hiding towards the back.
The door that people leave out of.
The door that causes hurt and loss,
grief and longing.
You remember the people who were sitting here before.
Before they left.
Some of those people walked out willingly,
others were forced to leave,
and leaving you wishing
you couldíve talked to them more
before they did.
The short and final piece of my poems puzzle!
The Restaurant (cont.)
You canít help but remember them,
and look back towards the front door.
Expecting them to walk in
and getting disappointed
when they donít.
A little background knowledge to fill my 100 word quota. :) This poem was actually inspired by my uncle who passed away, and also by some people who should've stayed but chose to leave my life and this was they best way for me personally to portray my feelings.
Nothing is impossible
you just have to believe
you can do whatever
that you choose to achieve
Life can be hard
but not for much longer
all those bad things
will only make you stronger
Keep a strong grip
just hold on for one more day
the obstacles will move
you gotta turn and look away
Life is hard sometimes
but you donít have to fret
the futures a mystery
you donít know what youíll get
How is it that music can so deeply and emotionally connect to you and your life, opening a window to your heart and soul for everyone to see all of your joy and pain, for them to be witness to all of the emotions raging through your body that have been pent up for so long that they have started to overflow and spill out of your body onto everything within its vicinity. Music changes the way your eyes see the world, whether it be for better or for worse, it changes everything that is going on out side you.
It's almost the end of the week. Soon i will be sleeping in and cuddling up in my warm, fuzzy blankets without worrying about what tomorrow will bring and what all I will need to get done the next day. Soon it will be time to simply sit back and relax my muscles and let all of my cares float away into the expanse of open air. Soon it will be the weekend where school and work are no longer the commanding officer of your time, but just as soon as the weekend is here, it will also be over.
Valentines Day. The great chocolate, card, and jewelry giving holiday. It's such an odd holiday to me. If you aren't in a relationship on Valentines Day it should be just any other day, but somehow it just puts a damper on your mood. Yet those in relationships love today. It's an excuse to get gifts and be spoiled and go out on big fancy dates. And then there are people like me, who will appease your desire for pink and red everywhere, yet don't care much for obnoxious celebrations that show something that should be shown on a daily basis.
Sometimes I end up in the perfect place at just the right time. If I hadn't gone last night to help I don't know what would have happened. I played decorator, greeter, chef, jewelry maker, and waitress. I don't think I sat down for more than a few seconds the four hours that I was there. It was crazy, disorganized and extremely chaotic, and yet somehow that's the most fun I've had in ages. Being in the middle of the storm, getting caught up in it all was more than just fun, it was somehow, odd as it seems, exhilarating.
I am sick. With what, I haven't the slightest idea but I know I am. The odd feeling in my throat wasn't what told me, nor was the continuous ache in my abdomen. Of all of the things to force me to realize it, it was the loss of appetite. I love food. Like a lot. And yet, since Friday morning, not only have I not been hungry, but I haven't wanted to eat at all. The only reason I've eaten anything at all is because I knew I needed the energy. But why on earth don't I want food?
This entire afternoon I have let myself get angry and I have wanted to just break down and swear at you because I know if I do something that I normally wouldn't it would actually get your attention. But then I realized if I did I would just be stooping down to your level, and I refuse to let myself do that. So instead I will kill with kindness because kindness is louder than anger. So all of you who feel the need to continuously comment on my physical appearance and attributes I would greatly appreciate I you could stop.
If there is anything in this screwed up world we live in that I cannot stand, it's when adults go around acting like immature children. You're and adult, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would act like one. Did you really feel the need to come home and then leave without a single word and stay out for four hours with no one knowing where you were or when you would be back? You're almost fifty years old and you just went and threw a tantrum that could compete with the best of four year olds. Grow up.
John Green has basically become my new obsession. I've learned more from his Crash Course videos, than I have from my actual teacher. I have laughed more at his and Hank's Vlogbrothers videos than I do at most late night comedians. And his books. The amount of earth shattering, life altering things I have learned from those books is unfathomable. I can't help but quote him and his books on almost a daily basis because what he writes about isn't just realistic fiction, it applies directly to a lot of the things going on in the lives of his readers.
I'm starting to get really sick of all of this winter crap. It's the end of February and we are still being hit with winter storm after winter storm. School is canceled. Two hour delay. Early outs. No evening activities. All of these things keep scrolling over the bottom of my TV screen and it seems as if there will never be an end to this onslaught of vicious winter weather. It's almost the time for spring to come, but spring is being scared away with all of this cold. It's time for winter to go take a good nap.
It's our first practice all week. We have our competition tomorrow. Some are nervous, and want to put forth everything they have tonight to help prepare for the early morning performance, other, the ones who really shouldn't be here, come because they have to, and couldn't care less whether we get anything done at all. You chose to make this commitment and you chose to sign up for everything that this would come with, that means that you shape up, and you work with the rest of us to do what we can to improve in every way we can.
We are the champions, my friends,
and we'll keep on fighting till the end.
We are the champions.
We are the champions.
No time, for losers cause we are the champions
Of the world
Thank you Queen for perfectly putting into song the feeling that people get when they have done an amazing job and won something. And Congrats to all of you lovely show choir kids because you did amazing and look where it got you. Keep up the good work and make sure that next weekend is even better than last!
I got home when the sun was sleeping and even the moon was too fatigued to shine bright. I dragged myself up the stairs only to find that I had forgotten to clean off anything from my bed. Knowing the effort I would have to put forth to clear it, I took the easy way out. I dressed in soft flexible clothes and trudge back down the stairs, and down an extra flight to the cold abandoned room of my sister. For just one night, I got to sleep in a bed where my feet didn't hang off the edge.
What makes you think that you are so special? Why do you think yourself so high above the rest of us? It's ironic, you place yourself on such a high pedestal, when really you are one of the lowest of them all. Pick on someone your own size, because you making fun of people who can't fight back, just makes you a coward. But really, who didn't see that one coming? You make yourself look big and bad, but you only pick the fights you know that you can win. Here's a newsflash for ya, you can't win them all.
It's odd the way the world works sometimes. There I was simply walking around the store looking at all of the different things. I briefly wondered if I would ever be lucky enough to find the infamous pair of shoes that seemed no one else knew existed. I could try and try but no one ever seemed to know what on earth I was talking about. I turned down another aisle, and sure enough there was a pair, in shining black. Size 9. I'm an 8. Just for kicks and giggles I tried anyway, and to my amazement, they fit.
Words create an intricate picture as well as any pencil or brush can. They set off triggers in the brain that paint the scenes onto our surroundings with our eyes. Hearing them radically changes the environment we are in from what we see physically, to what we feel emotionally. Placing us into a different world where reality slips away and the only thing going on right then, in that moment is those words. Strewn across everything in different fonts, sizes, and colors. Generating a long lasting imprint of words not just into our brains, but into the lives we live.
It just slapped me in the face that no matter how many times I tell myself to live in the moment I never will. I'm too caught up in what's coming next, and what I need to do to be prepared for this, or what my opinion should be on this. And it's sad. I want so badly to just get away from all of the stress that comes with attempting to figure out how to control the unknown future, that I'm forgetting to live today, but no matter how hard I try I still end up obsessed with tomorrow.
The problem with books and authors who kill off one, if not more, of the main characters is that they never get it quite right. They try to describe the feeling of loosing someone, and rarely do they get it right. It's not just anger, or sadness. It's not just the odd feeling that something is missing. It's not the loneliness or the sudden emptiness. Yes, those are all parts of grieving, but there still missing something. I don't know how to put the feeling into words, and maybe they don't either, but it's what makes it all seem real.
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