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Its your first time going to a pub, and the experience was pretty good. Despite not liking the taste of alcohol, your alcohol level is still not too bad for someone who had never drank before.
Will there be a second time? Yes there will be. But not that soon, not that fast, and it will come whenever it wants to come. Its time for you to break your strict regime a little, and live life like what a eighteen years old is suppose to live.
And stupid you nonetheless, hoping to see that person on a lonely Thursday night.
The feeling of being accepted by a group of people is so important. And then you remembered what you thought when you were young.
For a period of time, you believed that you could survive on your own, without the help of anyone. You were sick of the betrayal from others, leading to the formation of this thought.
But even if betrayal happens... You still need friends to get you through the days. No man is an island, and all of us need friends to stay by our side, to share our joys and sorrows.
Will you be my friend?
As much as you dont want to, you have accepted the fact that you will be an average girl throughout your entire life.
You come from an average income family.
You look like an average plain Jane.
You write average essays.
You get average grades.
You get an average job.
You get an average income.
You find an average plain John.
You work like an average urban worker.
You die an average death.
You get buried in an average way.
Where is the spark in your life that you are constantly finding? When will the vicious average chain be broken?
Like any normal day, the time passed slowly. There is nothing you can do to stop time, nothing you can do to make time speed up, but just let it pass at its own pace.
When you are enjoying the thing you are doing, and being with people you are comfortable with, time passed horrendously fast. However, when you are doing something you dislike which brings you a lot of discomfort, time crawls by, like it wants to torture you. And there is nothing you can do about it, but just watch the arrows slowly, ever so slowly, tick by.
Looking around, the familiar faces that you once know, became faces you once knew.
Tertiary education is bullshit. Okay, not the education itself, but the people you meet. Everyone is competing with one another, and you are forced to maintain a good relationship with everyone because you need to do projects with them. People get angry over petty things, for some, even though they may be eighteen or nineteen, the level of intelligence they have is still minute, and the lack of independence is just horrible.
One more year. And you will finally be able to get out of here.
Looking at your essay for the past one week, you sighed at your progress. You have a grand total of one thousand more words to go, and you have no idea how to continue writing it.
Sometimes you thought of taking the easy way out; just forget about going to an university, and thus you can flunk your GPA now. But then you remember your dream: impacting the life of the younger generations and teaching a subject you are genuinely interested in.
There is no way in hell you are going back to Psychology if you get into an university.
You went for the oversea volunteering trip briefing today, and it made you reflect on the volunteering trip you went on March.
It was a really good experience, though you should have tried your best to bonded with others more. That aside, the whole experience was a really enriching one. Getting to know more about the culture of that country, as well as giving back to the society.
However, your chances of going for the camp is pretty slim. You went for one already, and now you will have to pay full price. This is something your parents will object.
This is the only thing you know when you stepped into polytechnic life. All you know is rushing to meet deadlines, rushing to get things done, always rushing, never stopping.
What you need is not a breather, but a listening ear. You just need a listening ear for you to rant it all out, and then you will feel alright.
But the problem is, your voice is muted out from the surrounding. People ignore whatever you are saying, and they pretend to be oblivious to you.
Fuck you all. How about you try being the one muted out?
People looking you in the eye when you speak, but they can turn around one second later and continue talking to others, as if you were not there at all, leaving you stunned and shocked.
All you can do is swallow your pride, and continue smiling. Its okay, maybe they did not catch what you were saying. Anyway it is not of much importance anyway.
You are never of much importance anyway.
Close your eyes for thirty seconds, breathe in and out slowly, but without anyone noticing.
Open your eyes, and continue smiling, as if nothing has happened.
The heart to heart talk with your friend today was emotionally intense. It was more of a "bare your soul until you were stalk naked" talk. Voices quivered, and tears almost rolled out uncontrollably. And this talk was held at a ramen stall.
This was when misconceptions were resolved. We were forgiven, and advises were given to each other on how to strengthen the friendship. So many misconceptions, and all of them were just floating around these times, like Styrofoam on a ocean, slowly polluting it if it was not removed as soon as possible. And finally it was removed.
Stop with what you are doing, and stop and admire nature.
The sun. The bright sunny sun. The yellowish sun. The yellowish sun that provides us warmth.
The grass. The green grass. The green grass that nobody ever took notice. The green grass that is forgotten by everyone but it has that strength that makes it able to persevere through all conditions.
The water. The water, that is either transparent or blue. The water that we drink. The water that we waste sometimes. The water that we need to survive in this cold, harsh, cruel nature, also known as society.
This was probably the first time you really fell out with a friend, and it is ruined because of 10 cent. How ironically pathetic. But oh well. Yes, you do lack of friends recently, but there is no way you are going to make the first move when the other party is at fault.
And then you looked at the person's past. She has less friends than you, and they are more of the "on surface" friends. You pity her, as if she is going to continue being like this, she will not be able to form close knitted relationships.
Your family went to do what they loved best today: eating buffet. Everything was good; the company, as well as the food.
Imagine the succulent sashimi sliding down your throat, while bathing in soya sauce. Then, next came the thick and creamy corn chowder, with the croutons you took from the salad bar. Then, imagine spaghetti made by the chef on the spot, and you placed extra Parmesan cheese and chili flakes.
That is not all. You continued having laksa, a local delicacy, and finally, you ate the deserts. So sweet, so creamy, so delicious. Ah, now this is life.
The two songs that are replaying in your head these days are Kore ni Iru yo" and "Soba ni Iru ne." The two songs are an answer to each other, both sung by Aoyama Thelma and Soulja.
The emotions that the two singers placed are so heavy, it is husky with the sense of melancholic lingering around. With a weak understanding in Japanese, you could roughly grasp what they were saying; that one of them is always right in front of them, but the other party does not appreciate it.
Life, ironic huh. We hurt the one who loves us.
Twirling the string on your finger, you look up into the sky, wondering what will the future brings you to, Then you thought about your past, and some things didn't work out well, some things did, but then what you should do is live in this moment.
Enjoy the sights you see. Enjoy the smells you smell. Enjoy all the food you devour. Enjoy all the textures you touch. Love everyone, and do not hate. Forgive and forget. Kiss and make up. Say hi to strangers, and not bye to friends.
Easy to say, but... is it easy to do?
You hung out with people who accepted you for who you are, despite you not contacting them for a really long time. Each time this happens, your heart just melt.
And they were having so much fun, despite some of their actions causing you to raise your eyes a little, in the chic place that you guys were at. And it dawned on you that the saying is true,"those who care about what others think of them are often the saddest of them all." You have grown busy thinking what others are thinking of you, till you become unhappy.
It is a really scary thing. You can be in a room with thousands of people, but you can still sip your drink at one corner of the room, unsure of what to do.
You can be at home, with people whom you are related to by blood. But the home that you speak of is just like an hotel; one where you only sleeps in.
You can be in a relationship, but you hold your partner's hand devoid of all emotions and love. You two walk along the malls, silently, the awkwardness slowly eating both of you up.
Everybody needs to be loved.
Be it from someone else or an animal, we all need love. We need to feel that we are appreciated, and that our existence on this earth is not for show. We need to feel that if one day we get into serious, deep shit, someone out there will come to our rescue, no matter what solution he/she/it brings. We need to feel that when we die one day, there will be someone out there, crying beside our grave, and not an image of us dying alone, in a sad, and lonely way.
You received a rude mail from your vice president of your extra curriculum activity and you were so angry that the first thing you did was rant it out on twitter.
And you switched off the email tab.
But the more you think about it, the more it bit you. No, you must not let people step over your head time and time again. Its time for you to take a stand, and not allow others to take advantage of you.
And you create a new tab, went to email, and crafted out an angry yet politely written email. Send.
The spontaneity of some people really surprises you, and you are ever so thankful to them for helping you out even though you barely know them.
After school, you reached home, brimming with positive energy, and so thankful to whatever things that you have. But the minute you switched on the laptop, staring at your assignments, this sudden unexplained anger formed inside you. You feel a sudden fear, a sudden anger, and you have no idea how to explain it. The previous positive energy that you had dissipated immediately, and you stared at your screen, unsure of what to do.
Your level of concentration disgust you honestly. You will be doing your assignments for five minutes, but the next thing you know, you will be online at tumblr, twitter, facebook, or anywhere else, for an hour. And then you will panic even more and more as the deadline comes nearer and nearer.
And here I am now, at 100words, typing away, somehow wishing it was more than an 100 words, so that I can waste my life away and not go back to my assignments. Isnt this kind of thinking appalling? So for now, good bye, and back to assignments.
The very next day, at this time, you will be waving your light stick and grooving to the songs that your idols are going to perform. Anticipation rises sky high and you are brimming with so much excitement.
All you can do right now is wait for the time to pass painstakingly slowly, and pray to God that it does not rain tomorrow. You do not really care about being wet, but rather, you care about your idols' safety. You don't want to see them fall while performing for their fans. That will be pretty much a nightmare to everyone.
The best night of your life happened, as you finally got the chance to attend that one kpop concert you had been dreaming of: SMTOWN.
You shed tear, you laughed, you spazzed, you were drenched under the heavy thunderstorm, but it was all worth it just to see your idols. You are still taken aback by how ridiculously good they look, how ridiculously good they sounded live. Everything was like a dream, one that you wish you never had to wake up to.
Everything was so perfect. It was possibly the most perfect moment of your life. Wonderful SMTOWN Singapore.
Whatever that happened yesterday seemed like a dream, but a tight slap across your face forced you to wake up to reality that says,"Hey, the concert is over. Wake up." The withdrawal symptoms are all coming out: all you want to do is replay all their songs and download all of their pictures.
As ridiculous as it is, you want to cry so badly. Your perfect idols have left Singapore, and you will not be able to see them live for a very, very long time. Dong Bang Shin Ki, Kris, Kyuhyun, BoA, Hyoyeon... I miss all of you.
Talking to you today almost made me slit my wrist, even though I was just asking you for help. Talking to you made me reflect on myself, and I forced myself to phrase all my sentences as coherently as possible. I did not want to sound stupid in front of you, and I wanted to give off the best impression as I can.
I liked you, but I think there is not anything left. It has been 2 whole years, and whatever feelings that remained... Honestly, it has been an one sided thing all these while. Always had been.
You have no idea what is going on, but you just feel pretty happy with what you have in your life right now. Yes, things still affect you greatly, but somehow, you just seem to be able to look pass that and focus on the better things in life. A million things await you in your later part of your life, and you really do not want to stay sad and moody forever. You are beginning to start believing in the self fulfilling prophecy: if you think you are happy, then eventually the mood that you possess will be happy.
It is hard for you to make new friends nowadays, that is why you are trying your very best to keep whatever friends that remain right now. Bear with things a little, and things will just get better.
Nothing will ever go in the way you want completely, and even if it does, you will have to maneuver through some of the obstacles. If you are able to do that, good for you. If you are unable to, then you have to suck it up and suffer. I choose to believe that I will be able to do the former.
After what seemed like an infinitely long while, you finally got a chance to meet with your friends again. People whom you still feel comfortable with, despite having grown apart a little. People whom you can talk nonsense with, and yet will not be judged.
Just a meal, some chit chat, and the day ends. But this short period of time brings about such immerse joy that you are unable to get it from school. Just the simplest thing, and yet you can be so happy. At least it shows your that your threshold of happiness is still relatively low.
Procrastination.... It will kill you one day.
You had no school today, and you woke up, all motivated and intended to complete your work, and even write our notes.
"I will use the computer till 10am."
"I will use the computer till 11am."
"I will use the computer till 12pm."
"I will use the computer till 1pm."
"I will use the computer till 4pm."
"I will use the computer till 7pm."
"I will use the computer till 8pm."
"Oh shoot... Its 11pm already. I am tired. Screw the work, I need my sleep."
And there goes a day wasted, again.
One week ago, you were at SMTOWN, waving your light stick frantically. One week later, you are seated at the couch, watching MAMA 2012 on the television.
Kpop has brought you so much joy. Music accompanied through thick and thin, and it explained all the emotions you felt during that point of time.
People criticize about kpop, saying it is auto tuned, and the people are all plastic. But it's okay. They do not understand how these music accompanied through our hard times. These idols do not live to please everyone anyway.
To my idols, I love you. Thank you.
The Tip Jar