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Today, I woke up with sunshine in my mind. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. I felt well-rested, like all was right in the world. I checked Tumblr, reblogged a few things, and saw a post from my ex boyfriend. Checked his blog, saw his girlfriend's blog, saw posts which normally would bring the dark clouds back, but today, I just literally couldn't give a damn. It's like my mind has reprogrammed itself completely. I am done allowing others to make me feel like crap. It's time. I am okay. Finally.
Written on March 30th.
If you've been wronged before, and the person who hurt you came to you asking for help, you have complete control over how you react to the situation. Either you say,
"Ha, serves you right. What does karma taste like, you piece of shit?"
, or forgive them, stay graceful and kind, and be there for them.
They chose to be the former. Bitter. Assholes. Imagine holding onto grudges for years. Must suck. When the time comes that they'll come crawling back to me, I'd like to believe I'll be nicer. But I guess it's always easier said/imagined than done.
If you were really happy in your relationship, then there wouldn't be a need to put other people down.
I guess it varies. I don't know about others, but I do know that my boyfriend and I don't talk about our previous relationships like they were shit. We actually have nothing but respect for each other's past, because we know that without it, things wouldn't have ended up where they are right now. We don't feel the need to destroy or make fun of an ex, because we know that though some feelings don't necesarrily exist anymore, they were real.
I know our relationship isn't perfect. There are days where I'd feel overwhelmed by fantasies of how relationships should be, days where I'd even wish he'd do some things my ex used to do. But one thing is for sure though, I wouldn't trade this for anything. Recent events have made me open my eyes. True, he's not very good with words. He doesn't read my blog-- he's pretty much allergic to expressed feelings. But he gives me unlimited hugs and cuddles, and he does my meet-ups for me sometimes. He's real, and he's here. And he loves me.
Waiting For The Bathroom Floor To Dry
I always get the whole floor splattered with water when I shower (I don't have a shower curtain, figures). I think it's so much better to have it soaked wet than slightly wet with puddles scattered everywhere, so I throw a whole tub of water over it. Now it's flooded and I'm waiting for it to dry. While waiting, I hang the laundry, get dressed, go on my computer, and do some other productive stuff.
Some things just take their sweet little time. All you have to do is wait. And be patient.
Just A Little Life Update
So I've just finished cleaning three pairs of shoes. It took me about three hours (I also showered afterwards, so it's not one hour per pair). I've been meaning to do it for a very long time now, and it feels really good to finally get around doing it. My fingers are all shrivelly, though, you know that thing they do when you stay in the water for too long, so it feels really weird typing on a keyboard. I'm wearing clothes that I washed myself. They are very crisp-feeling and uncomfortable, but whatever.
I left crumbs not so I could find my way back home, but for you to come find me so we can get lost in in the woods together.
You might think it's wrong, but out here in our little world? There's no room for dark thoughts and cloudy doubts. There is only the rainbow of certainty of us feeling the same feelings for each other. Let's go back to our happy bubble. Where no soul's in sight to judge us, and tell us that we're wrong. Just you and me. And love.
Come find me where the butterflies are.
"I really wish platonic relationships were more important. Iím tired of losing friendships because Iím less important than their significant other. I hate that Iím automatically not as close to my friends because Iím not the person theyíre dating/sleeping with. And I hate how whenever I complain about it the response is
"youíll find someone too someday!"
like no, I shouldnít have to "find someone" to feel loved and important. Maybe we should stop promoting investing all your time and effort and physical and emotional intimacy into one romantic/sexual partner, idk."
I do not want to have to block you.
It's March 27th, already days or weeks after you said that, yet those words still echo inside my head endlessly.
Are you threatening me? With blocking? I couldn't quite believe it. It was so low. Like, was I harrassing you? Was I that annoying? Or do you want to just avoid me altogether? Because you're scared. Because you were never good with confronting issues headfirst. I can't believe it. Maybe you've really changed. Maybe you've really turned into a stranger. I feel like don't know you anymore.
Just block me, loser.
Do you remember when I said that I changed my entire account details on here so that the past couldn't catch up with me? I guess I'll have to eat my own words, because lately, I've been changing things back in hopes that a certain person would come and find me. And he would write entries for me like he used to.
I miss him. I want him back in my life. I wish there was a way to get to him somehow without having to initate another conversation. I just wish.
I think it's funny how the universe works.
To Be Honest
I still don't understand why we can't be friends again? I mean, we broke up about four years ago? Isn't that enough time to erase feelings? Or at least romantic feelings for each other? I'd have expected you to be completely over us by now. I know I am. Also, you and I already have our own significant others. I've got my boyfriend, you've got your girlfriend. Isn't that security enough that we would be nothing but friends?
Why is your girlfriend so insecure? I could never imagine restricting my boyfriend from making friends in any way.
I know it's because of your girlfriend. It has to be. We were fine for a few days. We would talk. It was almost like we were going back to normal. You would talk to me, we would tell each other about our day, our plans for the following day, etc. You even shared a song you made, just like old times. It felt wonderful. And all of a sudden, you send me this lengthy ass message which basically says something along the lines of "hey, I just realised this is wrong after all lol bye."
And seenzoned me.
The Greatest Showman
last night, and it was perfect. I've been really down lately and the movie, as if by magic honestly, just turned me around. Today, I woke up with
Rewrite The Stars
playing at the back of my mind. It felt like just the right amount of sunshine I needed to light up my dreary soul. And though I don't know much of the lyrics of the song, I found myself humming/mumbling to the warm melody in my head through out the day. It felt beautiful. Good thoughts really do make certain days more bearable.
Our story is similar to Romeo and Juliet's. But instead of Death getting in the way, in our case it's New Relationships.
Juliet "died", so Romeo died too. Juliet woke up a little too late (four years too late in our case), only to find Romeo dead. Peacefully so. So Juliet decided to choose death as well.
Maybe one day in the future, you will want us together again. Maybe by then it will be me who'll decline. Maybe not. What we know for sure though is that Romeo and Juliet never did end up together.
Just Another Day
Just this afternoon, I tagged my boyfriend on a Facebook post that goes,
the other day my grandma told me,
ďwhen you and him are fighting, you both need to remember that itís you two vs. the problem, not you vs. him.Ē
and that hit me hard
I tagged him, because it's true. Because it's important. It's a reminder, you see. That no matter what happens, you two are in it together. And guess what my pretty boy had to say,
"depends on the problem"
H U H .
I deleted my comment. What a waste.
Sometimes, I do get jealous.
For the most part, I try not to think about such trivial things, but sometimes, they do get to me. You still haven't added me on Facebook. It's been months. I know it's just social media, and things like that shouldn't have to matter in real life. But I also know that it makes me sad when I see you comment on other people's posts, but never on mine. Like other girls photos, but never mine. When you post, everyone sees except me. When I do, you don't care. Life just sucks lately. I'm sorry.
Karma's A Bitch
For quite a large portion in my current relationship, I've thought about karma. I was dreading the day would come that my boyfriend would break up with me the same way that I broke up with my ex. I didn't expect karma to show up dressed a bit differently.
Days ago, Tony told me he's decided we shouldn't be friends at all and I shouldn't talk to him anymore, because of the possible implications and consequences brought about by being friends with me. Long story short, he dumped me. It was sudden, it came out of nowhere.
Why did I have to see that story?
It all started there. All this mess started from there. Why did I have to see Jervie's picture with a boy whose face looked so familiar even on a tiny thumbnail. It was an ordinary day. I was just checking to see if my data was working. I went on messenger solely to see that green "Connected" pop up on top. Why did my eyes have to wander. Why did I have to click that story? Why did I have to be reminded of things that I didn't even know I'm missing?
I still have a lot to say to you, but you already hung up on me and my pride tells me I shouldn't keep calling you anymore.
I guess this is how you must have felt when I suddenly broke things off with you years ago. This sucks. Although, I don't know why I'm reacting this heavily. I mean, we weren't even friends anymore to begin with. I breezed through years without hearing from you, and I couldn't care less. So why now? Why all of sudden now?
I never got to thank you for completing my December 2013 batch.
Midnight Blue, Stuck on You
Right now, I am having the craziest thoughts. Like break-up-with-your-boyfriend-and-get-back-with-your-ex level of crazy. I hope it's temporary. These past few days have been dark for me, and having no one to talk to about it makes things even worse. I don't have best friends whom I tell all my deepest, darkest secrets to. I don't have anyone who I could trust, and be completely confident about not getting judged. Even my sisters don't know
I have no one. I feel so lonely.
Peace At Last
I sent you messages on your Tumblr thinking you would never read them at all. I just needed an outlet where I can pretend that I'm talking to you. You read them all last night. All my darkest thoughts and raw sentiments-- you read them all. My initial reaction consisted of whys and hows. You weren't supposed to have access to a deactivated account anymore. The feeling that lingered though, was embarrassment. I bared out all of my feelings in there. Feelings that you didn't share.
At least we got that out of the way. No regrets.
The Quest for Deliverance
Constantly counting days until my next day off isn't the kind of life that I want to live for the whole duration of my existence. I need motivation, I need drive. I need a sense of purpose. Every day, I wake up feeling empty. I feel like everything I do is just pointless routine. Wake up, force myself to get up, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work, work, lunch, again work, more work, home, sleep, and repeat. I feel like an empty shell. I wish I had other people's passion and sense of life.
I guess I was just stuck in the notion that he had to stay hung up on me for the rest of his life. Thatís why I couldnít quite accept the fact that he is actually capable of moving on, and finding new love. I was stuck in the immature concept that first love never dies, that feelings last forever. That's why I felt the need to take back what was "mine". It was very selfish, I realise now. Just because you shared some past, doesn't mean everything that happens in their life thereafter has to involve you.
I know that what I said may have come off as me wanting to get back together. Hell, I may have even misinterpreted my own feelings myself, what with all the drama and emotional rollercoaster I was in. But I realize now that all I really wanted was just someone to talk to, someone disconnected from my reality where I could pour my whole heart out without the fear of being judged. And you were there. Like a favorite pillow, patiently waiting to comfort me from all the stress of real life.
I just really wanted my best friend back.
I realise now that just because you worked hard to make certain things work, they are still in under no obligation to turn out the way you want them to. It's as simple as some things are just not meant to be. The chances of the universe purposely going out of its way to please a mere mortal like you is.. well, let's just say it never happens.
I know things probably don't make sense to you right now, but in time, when the grand reveal of the true masterpiece of your life happens, it will.
Hang in there, darling.
want you back
much. I mean, I've lived without you for four years, and I was utterly fine. I guess this whole thing reflects more about the bruised ego brought about by the friendship rejection, rather than the actual "pain" of losing someone who's basically pretty much a stranger to me now. True, it was nice talking to you again and all, but I've proved time and time again (ever since the beginning of time, really) that I could live without you. All this pathetic desperation of chasing after you just doesn't make sense to me.
You were right about what you said. I am killing myself by doing this. Last night, I found myself going through the (sweet, sweet) messages you sent me on Tumblr. Although that could be excused as accidental, same could not be said for why I am back and re-reading everything right now. Why do I torture myself like this? Everything seemed so perfect, looking back. At a distance, our failed relationship is everything that I could ever want.
I try to make myself feel better by constantly telling myself that we broke up for a reason. It doesn't work.
You can both be in love and not be in a relationship, right? Love doesnít have to revolve around fleeting romantic stuff, right?
I think that people are too obsessed with putting labels to everything. Labels make everything complicated. If you're in a relationship (a label) and you find yourself feeling so much love for another person, it almost makes it forbidden. Like it automatically negates your love for your significant other, like you're not supposed to feel how you feel because of some made-up concept. Love doesn't need a label. Love goes beyond all that.
I've always believed that most of the things that you will regret in the future will come not from doing things and failing, but rather from not doing things at all. When you let fear or other people interfere with what you want.
Life is very short. You could literally die tomorrow. Thatís why I try to do and say things I mean immediately. I try to live my every day in ways where I know Iíd least regret it.
When faced with important life decisions, always choose to take a shot at things that make you happy.
I realize now that holding on to certain things is a toxic, toxic habit. Let go of all that baggage, be free, fly. Itís good to take a stroll down memory lane every once in a while, but not to the point where it gets in the way of the real journey right in front of you.
They donít deserve you. They donít deserve all the love that you were more than willing to give. Keep your head up, for you haven't lost anything.
Quit looking back, darling, the whole world is waiting for you.
Either he's verbally abusive, or I'm just too soft.
It was just a game. We play games to have fun, right? That's why it's called playing, right? Win or lose, just fun? So why do you feel the need to say hurtful things everytime? Is it really worth it? Whenever you do or say something like that, I feel like a tiny part of my heart dies. I've told you about it before, yet you still keep doing it. I don't know why.
I do know I'm sad, though. And that today's supposed to be special.
Happy 4th year anniversary.
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