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I didn't complete my October entries which is quite sad. Only two entries were missing. Maybe my spirit animal is a panda, a lazy panda to be exact.
Today is November 23 and I am still writing my 1st entry for the month. I'll just incorporate some of the unpublished October post that I made, not all of it though.
And mister, I don't want you to read what is in the monitor that I am typing right now. Gaaaah, I miss my laptop. I am now stuck inside the internet cafe with all of this people around me.
I should have told you, I want to be alone.
I like this. Having some time to think of some things, like the how the universe separate people who are in love, why the panda likes to eat bamboo and other things you would feel to weird to even understand.
Eating the pringles all by myself, the chocolate bar never shared. The seat that would always be cold, the silence that would envelope me.
If you won't be the one who'll dissapear, I know you will be the one who will affix me in place.
I don't want that to happen. I don't think I am used to it.
I hate commuting.
But I don't have a fucking choice. I am a pauper so I don't have my own car. So I have to sit right next to different types of people every time I go somewhere that exceeds the walking distance.
The reason behind my hatred for riding with strangers are as follows:
*Some of them doesn't use deodorants
*They have huge butts and it cannot lie
*Being too close to the point that they are already touching you
Can I just teleport or maybe use a broomstick and fly around?
We still go out. It's confusing whether I should feel happy or sad.
That's because we once had something. It wasn't really specified but we both know that it was close to being real. And now it feels like we are playing around. Trying to find out if we still have that some sort of spark.
But I am slowly getting carried away by this. You talk as if flowers fall out of your mouth. You casually hold my hand and it makes my heart skip a beat.
I don't want to feel this.
To someone up there who really granted me the chance to pass some of my subjects that I really lost hope in, thank you very much.
Who would have thought that I won't fail in that when I wasn't able to take some important written tests and I missed passing a research paper. Luck could have done it and maybe that all nighter I pulled for the finals.
But I shouldn't always rely on luck, now that I'll be facing more of the so called dreadful classes. I will also be under the instruction of some of the known notorious teachers.
Second semester, please be good to me.
Her gaze can tear up walls, cities and reality. Looking for something ,someone.
Sitting across you, but not really there. Lost in her fabricated setting, everything seems perfect. Nothing hurt, nothing made her cry.
This is her escape. This is where she feels safe. Such awry belief had drawn a small curve on her face and scattered a bit of sparkle in her eyes.
What a foolish little child, still lost in her wonderland. Running away from something she can never outrun. Falling down the rabbit hole at the back of her mind. And forever trapped in her melancholia.
I took my father to the hospital today. I could really feel that he is getting older because he now suffers arthritis. This makes me sad.
I have always loved my father dearly, though he is very strict and controlling. I remember how he used to scold me over multiplication problems that I cannot solve when I was 9. I also remember how he would like to brag about me during family reunions.
I remember him encouraging me to write and to believe that I could really be a doctor.
Tomorrow is going to be his birthday, get well soon pops and have a very happy birthday. I love you.
Nothing is permanent in this world. In a blink of an eye you might lose something important.
This makes you want to anchor yourself unto something special. Tie strings that would keep you together. Hold a hand tight to last until forever.
But what if something you wanted to stay long is bound to go. Going somewhere you don't even know. And sadly never coming back.
Will you fall apart? Will that break your heart?
That's the problem with attachment. Because eventually connections dissolve, strings get cut and there would be no more hand for you to hold.
I hate it when people love you only for your special points.
They love you because of your smile,or your eyebrows, or your nose or some other parts of you but not as a whole. Doubts come in once you start to show your ugly molecules. Because sadly, they don't love you as a whole.
When you love someone, you should love even their dull parts. Their weird taste in music, or their smelly feet, or their crooked teeth and even their shattered heart.
Fall in love at someone like it's a package deal and not by bits and pieces only. And you have to mean it.
Have you ever felt so fucking tired? The kind of tired that knocks you off your feet, and that should be taken literally.
Giving you a surprise headache, and that robotic voice you never wished for. Then your body would feel heavy as well as your eyelids. And you will be half dragging yourself as you go on with your life's routine.
You can't wait to drift into dreamland. No dreams, only that pitch black picture you'll get to remember the morning after.
The next day is another story. I just don't want to get tired again. This tired.
Are you willing to fall inlove at me?
I look plain and I don't have a cover girl's smile.
I wear uncoordinated clothes and hope for the best.
I can be quite weird and annoying and sometimes boring.
I don't eat veggies and I like drinking coffee.
I like reading books and ignoring people while doing so.
I easily cry over a lot of things.
I don't like horror movies because I am a scaredy cat.
I like listening to old songs especially from the beatles.
I am a sad panda that needs a hug.
There was once a sad panda.
I don't know why he is sad but I can see it in his eyes. He was also frowning instead of smiling.
I asked him if he missed someone, he said no. I asked him if he is hungry, he showed me a chocolate bar which means no.
I wanted to give him a hug to shoo the sadness away but he wanted to be all alone instead.
I never wanted to leave that sad panda because I want to see him happy.
Please smile panda, please be okay.
I met a girl on the third floor near the coffee vending machine. She had a nice smile and bangs that would cooperate with her.
She's holding her notes with green and pink highlighter streaks on it. She's concentrating on stocking up information in her brain and looking at her makes me feel like I am an irresponsible student.
I felt like being friends with her so I approached her.
She likes to talk and it's a good thing that my weirdness doesn't scare her. She likes books too and that's going to matter.
This is how I met Caroline. I met the bipolar bear.
Slave of the world's routine. I've been.
Breathing the mechanics of a grown up in the world fueled expensively by dreams and delusions.
Setting aside some of the things that really matters for the socially conceived requisites.
Anytime soon, life would pass me by. And I would end up with a sigh.
We all get to choose how we spend our days before our conclusion. You are the author, scrawl or crash out as long as you want it. Choose to go astray the straight line somebody have drawn for you.
I know you will, silly.
I have been lonely for so long, and why can't the universe seem to notice that.
I mean come on. Don't I deserve to be loved?
Being alone for quite some time will really make you think the other way round but this doesn't mean that I can't stand being all by myself. I just had way too much me time.
Even my friends would tell me to go and get a boyfriend to stop being bitter and whatever. So I'll just go ahead and pick a fresh one at the grocery. lol jk
So can I please get what I want?
I did something brave today.
I ordered a carrot shake. HAH!
My tolerance for vegetables isn't that great, I only eat potatoes and tomatoes. But since tomato has this mistaken identity because it is a fruit, it is not counted.
Today, I have decided to at least try to get healthy by means of trying out on other veggies in any way that would make it possible to find them in my system.
First sip was really the hardest part. It tasted like grated orange crayons and I puked. So I gave it to my classmate instead.
Enough of getting healthy if this is the consequence.
Last hurrah, and I really ran out of clever things and even normal things to say. So can you please forgive me for some of my post for this month.
I just wanna finish November and aim for January next year. And I won't do writing marathons because that would lead to some random and too simple output.
I need to breathe new air to be able to exhale something interesting and pleasing.
Or maybe I am just making up excuses because I am really not that good. Gaaaaaaah, this is quite frustrating.
I need time, more time. And maybe an inspiration.
Have you ever felt that feeling of aching from within? Something I have completely grown so comfortable with and can never escape from. It became a sort of routine for me. Well I never thought that something beautiful would end up in dismay and loss.
I thought I had everything figured out and that I am better off without it, and somehow not bitter with the result.
But every time I start to meet someone new, it would always be because he reminds me of you. And I hate myself for that.
And if you ever read this, please don't feel good about yourself. You are still a jerk.
Hamsters look cute but they are actually evil, they can bite your finger and leave you bleeding to death.
I got one though and named it Salt.
This was supposedly for our Theories of Learning class in Psychology. My project partner has the other hamster named pepper, that's the one that we are going to use since salt is a weakling. Hamsters doesn't also like to stay together or else they would fight all the time. I wanted to give away Salt to anyone who would love it but it convinced me by doing some standing up tricks while holding a sunflower seed and no one can resist that cute face.
I've decided to maybe give Salt and chance and let her stay in my apartment, I won't feel too alone as well.
I think I can be simply complicated sometimes because I don't know what I want but then I think I do. I just want what most of people want, and when I say most of the people I mean the least of them. You see, I tend to live a life that I think is an ongoing oxymoron. I always blame everyone for everything that's happening to me and I always blame myself as well because I don't think I am good enough. But at the back of my mind I think I am greater than you as well. I never mind lying because I don't think I could hurt others if I won't speak up, I actually don't care. I have this quite complicated way of being a person. -Erin
I hate the sound of your voice
Your messy hair
Your cold stare
Your dirty shoes
And your favorite jeans
The way you walk
The way you get angry about small things
How you like to stay up late
Drink beer and smoke some cigarettes
Use complicated words and eat a lot of spicy foods.
How you confuse me with your kisses
How you never tell me some of your secrets
I hate how I can't stop thinking of you
I hate how you're making me feel blue.
I hate you because I still love you.
Let's begin by letting go.
This is bittersweet, I wanted to continue thinking of you and waiting for you to come back but I shouldn't stop on this part. I have to go on and continue.
Please don't try to mess this all up again. This time would be different. I wouldn't stop for you.
I am certain that I would soon find someone who would run along with me to somewhere new. He would then make me feel as if you never existed and my heart was never really broken.
And sometimes I would stare at my room's ceiling and think about my whole life. Thinking of how things are starting to fall back together but sadly not the same anymore.
How people would like to get in and out of your life like they have unlimited passes. How they won't try to understand how messed up you are and trying to still work just fine. How they make you feel as if you have a lot of things to give just to get the affection you long to have.
It is indeed too fucked up to live ideally like in some quotations from books, and why you should just give up like you did before.
I am done.
The Fall - Albert Camus
The book made me realize a lot of things. It became a comparison that lead to a clear view of my own flaws and it also gave me the ironic feeling of agreeing to the character when he was less than right but not really wrong.
Being ashamed of realizing what I have become in quite a young age and never finding out where I got it wrong until now. Trying to repel from the taught that I was closely the same but never alike to the antagonist and protagonist and that I failed to understand some of life's mechanics.
The book was a pleasure and a punishment when I opened it.
a usually temporary condition in which a writer finds it impossible to proceed with the writing of a novel, play, or other work.
I might have used that word up there to describe what is happening to me right now, but I don't really think I can be considered as a writer.
Though a couple of years ago I've once read a paragraph about the writer in everyone somewhere, it inspired me to try putting down on a piece of paper or typing the things running in my head.
So let me be.
She is the middle child and I should say that she is mom's favorite. I envied her a lot back then because she was the center of attention and affection. She rarely shows what she really feels and she constantly pushes herself to be better.
You can only caught her off guard once she starts joking and when you serve her fish for dinner. She's my sister and today is her birthday.
I don't usually talk about my family but I am really happy to have them. They might have their own flaws but it doesn't make me love them less.
I can't think of any topics to write about tonight and the sad thing is that this is the closing date for November entries and I might not make it again for this month.
Maybe because I am not that sad or that happy, or maybe because I am only feeling mediocre. Nothing exciting has been happening to my life lately. It's like a never ending routine of eating, going to work and then sleeping.
I want to try new things, meet new people and dismiss this routine. I want to feel more alive. But I also want to sleep. FML
The lights are starting to fill the whole room and I can hear the noise outside. Cars passing by and people continuing where they left off before slumber.
While I sit here at the edge of my bed in this cold room, it's almost six in the morning.I am tired but I can't drift to dreamland.
The time that I spent idle waiting for some shut eye, I looked around the room and listen to the sound of the aircondition becoming my lullaby.
The next thing I knew, it's dark outside and I have to get up and participate in life again.
I am quite tired of people getting tired of me.
I am the type the likes to fetch attention just to at least feel like I am not alone. Exactly not what others might think of in the first place, and unluckily they think that I don't deserve their second thoughts.
But if you look past beyond my inconsistency, hunches and annoyances you would see someone who is trying her hardest to be close to you. Just not the way you ideally want it to be.
Someone who got the idea all wrong, and yes sorry. I will stop.
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