January 24, 2004
Here's the thing: I don't know what I wanted from her. The obvious things, of course, at least to me—sex, companionship, someone to take to dinner on a Friday night for both of those—but something else, too, that I have never been able to define, maybe because I don't really want to: a kind of pass into a world just out of reach for me. Not social class, necessarily, but some unnamed ease and confidence that she had and I never, ever felt within myself, even at my most elated. Once upon a time, they called it élan.