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September 19, 2002

Jesse Helms II

"No really, Jesse, what's with the dildo parade?" I queried, squeamish yet admittedly impressed by the fantastic quantity and array.

"Well," Jesse drawled in confidential merriment, "I found out my boyfriend Vin Diesel simply LOVES The Beatles. So I'm trying to find the dildo John Lennon autographed for me during the Sgt. Pepper's tour to present to Vinnie as a gift, and I need your help. So dig in and start looking!"

Wishing I had had a booster shot of penicillin—or at the very least a pair of rubber gloves—I reluctantly—carefully—began to search.