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BY Davey H

02/01 Direct Link

Elsewhere in previous times,
say 4 decades or more ago,
a singer capable of reaching the higher registers made a big splash, you know?

Etched forever onto tape and vinyl that mellows,
Robert Plant did loudly croon
sometimes out of tune
the following inimitable bellows:

“Been dazed and confused for long it’s not true!”

But nowadays, we have lots more to do.
We may not be quite as dazed or confused, man,
but each of us has
amid razzmatazz,
a ZERO attention span!

Personally, I’d be quick to blame electromagnetic and radio frequency radiation as sizable culprit in this phenomenon.

02/02 Direct Link

Thought of an old friend,
but the name? Couldn’t place her.
‘Twas if she was penciled in
as a blast of hot gas from way back when
then bleeped by an giant eraser!

A mental dredging, then out of his mind
this scrivener fledgling comported to find
a friend lineage sort of tracer.

No results found.

Market timing? He forbade her;
Davey, blimey, was not active trader.

Hanging out with sportsy dudes
eating lots of bad fried foods
Floyd did like, and would confide
his hot wings 'double suicide'.
But to this veggie farmboy dude
chicken wings ARE NOT FOOD!

02/03 Direct Link

BYE, SPAM!

Today, okay, as per this old ham:
whoopee, oy-vay! What a big bunch of SPAM!
How soon will the SPAM box get full filled?
Without emptying, how its rank contents build!

I’ll put up, I guess, with this burgeoning mess
as it seems to stay right in its place;
until it comes time to no longer possess
this GARBAGE that rots in my face.

Just wish I could burn it
but will simply upturn it
cast this e-dogshit off so complete;

And yup, it is easy
to bleep all that’s sleazy
with just a mere tap of ‘Delete’.

02/04 Direct Link

Hell-Low SPAM

Last check of the most offending INBOX revealed approximately 238 SPAM "messages", up from perhaps less than 200 the day before. What an amazing waste of time, effort, electricity,and however grudgingly, creativity!

Gratitude abounds, however,
for this shunting device so clever.

Such verbal dredge, and literal scum!
Hand me a sledge – I’ll pop their bum!
Yet of ‘SPAM Classics’, I’ve saved some,
and their linguistics? Bad as they come.

Having saved such ‘SPAM Classics’
and raved, “they’re fantastic”,
like the fat in pastrami well-marbled;
whilst with grammar so lax
and atrocious syntax
a pastiche of crap hopelessly garbled.

02/05 Direct Link
With a damn near full tank and no green tea,
flat wallet to thank, to the dump went we.
 
Opera on, as if you are caring,
so soon gone, but now it is blaring.
I don't know what the hell they're singing,
but in the car’s shell, my ears are ringing!

But despite such unsolicited musical influences
impinging upon external audio perceptual organs’ tympanums, an uncannily irrevocable procession of internal sonic surrogates persists, namely this:
 
Spanky  & the Gang’s “Lazy Day” has been playing between my ears in internal storage for who knows how long, maybe at least an hour.
02/06 Direct Link

So when is a knot not?

Or “NOT!”,
such as in ‘Bob & Ted’s Excellent Adventure’?

Well, or perhaps not
when I thought
and got fancy with a 'figure 8’ knot
and used it joined with a bowline taut,
tied it to a limb that was being lowered
in conjunction with gravity,
and watched, red-faced
and in the process of being actively chewed out,
as the ground men struggled to untie it.

Thus, an otherwise viable knot is NOT to be combined with another standalone knot; or else full-featured functionality will be sacrificed and it will be all for naught.

02/07 Direct Link

Two World’s Water Dilemma:

She walked many miles
just to roust up some water
for which I commiserate;
But would she have smiles
for the cell phone I got her?
Would it she appreciate?

Yeah, right.
How about some priorities here?
She needs a boost; that much is clear!
No need to get juiced;
Is that OXFAM I hear?

Over here in the bloated world,
water filtratikon is on tap today
and I am listening – hey!

The site was WQA.org,
and we could bite on a smorgasboard.
But too much selection
I fear a rejection
pending when checkbook gets gored.

02/08 Direct Link

Bridge O’Green

The puke-green bridge – you know, the one everyone and their hairy-assed brother seems to take daily, and that has twin automobile-caused furrows carved into its rapidly deteriorating concrete roadbed – spans a river lined with filthy junkyards and dilapidated industrial parks.
The bridge, still somehow standing and functional, must be on someone’s list for upgrade at some point in some not-too-distant future.

What is worthy of mention,
however, is lack of tension.

Unsightliness, yes, of the mess,
would be quite the tension and fuss;
it would impel a tug ‘o war, I guess
betwixt ‘‘them’, ‘the force’, and us’.

02/09 Direct Link

Bridge O’Green

The puke-green bridge – you know, the one everyone and their hairy-assed brother seems to take daily, and that has twin automobile-caused furrows carved into its rapidly deteriorating concrete roadbed – spans a river lined with filthy junkyards and dilapidated industrial parks.
The bridge, still somehow standing and functional, must be on someone’s list for upgrade at some point in some not-too-distant future.

What is worthy of mention,
however, is lack of tension.

Unsightliness, yes, of the mess,
would be quite the tension and fuss;
it would impel a tug ‘o war, I guess
betwixt ‘‘them’, ‘the force’, and us’.

02/10 Direct Link

“Expect to pay more to stay warm this winter.”

Huh? What genius came up with THAT one?

Most likely it was a headline I came across,
and cast a glance
at it askance
as it came across
the balls of my eyes;
a sight I could cite as superfluous
that came across as no surprise,
citing that spate of sub-zero fate
that came across blustery skies.
 
Yes, that’s a given; but Chris?
Look how he’s livin’: Piss!
His latest electric bill
clocked in at nearly 300 bucks.
Juice to kill? You bet he will.
Such a bitter pill, he clucks.

02/11 Direct Link

When it comes time for sports, I retorts;
just turn them the hell off!
Spurn them,
stomp ‘em,
twist up their shorts,
gripe and continue to scoff!

Whap! Oh, party pantomime;
mucous, hearty green-washed slime.
‘Reputation’ to besmirch,
didn’t do in-depth research.

Spinning past the rotten barn,
not so fast! Here, spin this yarn!
With nary a leaf on any trees
a strange relief here if you please.
Soon more will be coming down
right here in this sleepy town.
Better hide all your stray dogs
fake a smile, don’t frown;
spin your friendly fascist cogs
bring Pussy Riot ‘round!

02/12 Direct Link

Oh, Janet, can it? Will censors ban it?
She once wrote a letter upon this planet.
She bested her better
to ferret away
that frigid letter
one wintry day.

Only, hey, a fibrous splinter
not so good
in that chilly winter
from shucking green wood
so willy nilly
heatin’ the hood
she was no longer chilly!

Yet that green wood
would be her ‘Undo’.
So she shrugged her shoulders
and moaned “Oh-screw!”

An utterance that once
seemed so absurd
she felt like a dunce
using Microsoft Word®.

With de-splintered fingers
and de facto prose,
this winter lingers
but anything goes.

02/13 Direct Link

D-day, or ‘Dread Day’
in non-World War vernacular
was to be my foray
and while not spectacular,
it was something I just had to do:
going, so sad, to meet boys in blue.

A day in court thus to retort
the judge soundly drubbed me
as if for sport:
Man, how she rubbed me!

Back out to the lot
to fetch my rust-bucket
temper quite hot
but with some luck it
would or would not
hold my butt thus to truck it.

All told, the system had gotten me
for close to a hundred bucks,
I’d soon squeal.

Some appeal.

02/14 Direct Link

Post date – February 14th, 2014:

Upon arrival at the requisite kitty mansion, Davey immediately realized that the respective felines didn’t give the least of sh**s for the detestable state of human affairs occurring at any given time outside the confines of their modest rectangular valley abode.
In fact, with any given infusion of carnivorous comestibles proffered to their eagerly awaiting fangs and gustatory processing organs, they would care even less what transpired in any given galaxy, let alone Gaia.

So Davey goes on about his so-called ‘business’
creating posts that he soon bares,
and bleating some boasts,
but nobody cares.
02/15 Direct Link

Moreover, Davey can neither confirm nor deny involvement in any or all of the following activities, having roundly renounced disclosure of such pusilanimous propensities previously:

Drinking toasts in ethanol snares,
meddling in west coast’s inane affairs,
slinging hosts’ silly Facebook shares,
bowling with ghosts and hitting spares,
viewing boasts on blank screen’s stares
or editing posts’ HTML squares.

He burned his pink tongue
with some way-too-hot tea
interspersed among, well, many a pee.

Today his urine flowed light and clear
no need to goad his bladder dear
as he made things almost perfectly clear
his liquid capacity was drawing near!

02/16 Direct Link
We asked our mechanic
whilst well, waxing droll,
and though not in a panic,
we still, well, could roll.

Be it ever so humble,
this just-fixed front end
still has a mild rumble
could it he please mend?

Yes, it is a rumble,
but still has a role;
was it our fault
with or without road salt
when our rustbucket hit that pothole?

But on that first leg
he had differed to beg,
and we knew at the price we’d be scared;
but we just had to tattle
’cause it still had a rattle
although he had deemed it repaired.
02/17 Direct Link

No ifs, miffs or buts
it was not just the struts
in our dear front end’s misery shared;
but also lost cushion
from a badly worn bushin’
in the end, though,
our expense was spared!

I told our mechanic
whilst not waxing manic
about 'thank you marms' we had hit;
when we heard a loud WHAM!
I thought, “no, thank you, ma'am!”
And the metal slam noise did befit:
control arms, you're knowing
whose bushings were going;
replacement parts came in a kit.

But you know what he said?
This mechanic, well-bred
turned and quipped,
“don't you worry 'bout it.”

02/18 Direct Link
We would like to believe in OAK,
but oh, we grieve at its nasty smoke!
While it is said to burn hot,
well dried it's not,
and the flue spits a pungent cloak.

It would be nice to use more oak
that hardwood about which I spoke
but Jim brought it green
it couldn't burn clean
and the heat is just a joke!

Moreover, this wet oak would seem
to be putting off a ton of steam
in its combustion incomplete
not giving us commensurate heat.
We're wasting time, oh yes, I fear;
best let it season one more year.
02/19 Direct Link
Roads white as a sheet
like a few I have seen
and our tires thus greet
this white rock-salt sheen.
They then kick up a dust
that forms a gray haze
your nostrils to bust
all these wintry road days.

As it seems I did gripe
about this stuff before,
perhaps you would hasten to guess
that being this tripe
has become such a bore
no doubt it is time to digress:

On the other hand
'round this snowy-white land
yea, land the peasant respects;
and hence drains his gland
in a manner not grand
N2 has its positive aspects.
02/20 Direct Link

Waxing quizzical,
the actor not physical,
although apparently bright,
a drug did him in
'twas named Heroin
and at it was bye-bye, good night.

It seemed in this caper,
these thin pencils sliced paper
so of that death we couldn't write;
but the news of the day
had with first dibs held sway
and thus made the writer uptight.

Of all the stupid happy horseshit, along comes this intervening, wholly unrelated thought: then, as quickly as it had arrived, it was gone – like a fart in a breeze.

Which thought? That one that slithered away just now. Poof! For naught!
02/21 Direct Link
A SMALL BREAK IN ROUTINE

It was a short break
not like 'spring break',
but merrily we did go.
And gone, also, as if on the take
was most of the powdery snow.

But not for long.
And we'll have you know,
that we want it back
it provides a dense pack
for in our situation
it is insulation
that will help all our pipes not to crack!

But this spring what shall be
too little, too late,
white spittle you will see
that will be
not so great!

Our TSUGA CANADENSIS
1,2, and 3
slain by wooly adelgid effectively.
02/22 Direct Link
The fellow who'd been staying here
had let his aisles pile up, I fear,
and he didn't keep up the fire, my dear.
So with baseboard heating
of the electric variety,
he'll soon be bleating
at the bill's impropriety!

We interrupt this post
with a short stubby pencil,
as per the host
who insists on a stencil:

Woke up
and went
to turn on the water
when nothing did happen
well, I could have shot Her!
Curse that old Nature
Man, she is a Mother!
our frozen pipes ate your
sub zeros  – oh, brother!

Good thing pipes plastic
f***ing elastic!
02/23 Direct Link

Tar Date February 23rd, 2014:

’Round 11:30 a.m. it was, whilst tooling around the rotary – albeit under pressure from New Yorkers who routinely flout all traffic courtesies – the pressure was ON.
All four were on the tar, too, hence the title of this illustrious composition.

One vain asshole in particular latched onto my rear bumper in a way that raised hackles, his tag not visible.
In such instances, one needs to take a deep breath before letting one’s temper express, keeping in mind the basic precept that WAITING of any kind is a foreign concept to a brash New Yorker.

02/24 Direct Link

Having lost the piece of paper
that says how much to pay
what was the cost of an auto caper
in that September fray?
It wasn’t that arduous of a day
but tiring nonetheless;
whilst writhing out in dappled gray
and cleaning up that mess.
(Read between the sheets:
’twas stuck behind the seats.)

Now of dung hate radio,
it could be rightly said
hear this, guy or lissome lady-o:
your ears will fill with lead!
It’s supposed to be, well, humor
but oh, how it falls flat!
Like a green and pus filled tumor
on foaming mouths so spat.

02/25 Direct Link

 

Oh, that last first month
of this chilled year
frozen pipes
more to come, we fear!

On I slog, each day seems slow
like an elderly dog, whom, if you may,
no longer walks or likes to play
but rather makes yellow snow.

Look out the window
whaddya know?
Have a look-see, boys and girls!
Scurrying deftly atop crust snow
go three fat-assed squirrels.

Now look at them try
oh, how they toil!
I’m a happy guy
for them I did foil.

Nothing’s more fun
no, none could be sweeter
than when I was done
no squirrels in bird feeder!

02/26 Direct Link

Having lost the piece of paper
that says how much to pay,
the just-lost cost of an auto caper
on one fateful September day
became like a broken windshield scraper
in a pell-mell iced foray.

It wasn't all that hard of a day
but tiring nonetheless;
writhing out in the frigid fray
and cleaning up this f***in’ mess!

Then, with radio unfortunately on
list’ning to vocal patter;
hastening out to my place as a pawn
whilst hearing what didn’t matter.

It's supposed to be humor
but how it falls flat!
Like a pus-filled tumor
from the brains of a gnat.

02/27 Direct Link

SUPER INSULATED

House situated off high ledges.
Serious view. 15” thick walls – at least.
Tractor under lean-to;
clean, sheen, lean, mean,
and well-freekin’ greased.

Looks a mighty good site for solar
but they don't have it yet;
when wind blows past,
you know it's polar;
it will shiver your ass, you bet.

But you can also bet your balls
it's warm inside those thick-assed walls
where warmth and info-tainment calls
no need to go out yet.

Looking out above the ledges
no need pout; we've no sharp edges
quite the opposite we found
that these walls' edges were quite round.

02/28 Direct Link

RANDIAN MISFITS

Hear, oh dear
cretins of the “right”
who have made it clear
that their hate is a blight.
But with bile flowing strong
they'll sling mud so deft
plodding along
with their friends on the Left.

But if I be oh, so contrary
or perhaps just slightly droll;
Randsters aren’t my adversary
though each could be an asshole.

Cut to the chase, oh Randian boulder!
Yours will not prevail.
For all the burden will need to shoulder;
it goes beyond the pale.

So let’s not fuss, let alone have a fight
Ayn’s ghoulish ghost is with us tonight.