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BY Davey H

04/01 Direct Link
HEY, GET A BOATLOAD OF THIS!

My attendance has been spotty
But the content's not too naughty
Hey, I've tons of stuff to do
In a hundred words
I might tell you
That I've been sailing the high seas
My yacht's prevailing
If you please!

With 8' screen, 600 channels
Roof so clean, 60 solar panels
Got gold fillings in my teeth
A chalet and a lake beneath
10-carat diamonds sit abreast
Thick chains of gold
Against my chest
That Bentley never goes too far
Garage-kept with my other car
Which is, of course the ONLY choice
A bigass friggin' white Rolls-Royce!

10 kids in swanky private schools
If you believe this, then...
APRIL FOOLS!




04/02 Direct Link
With March tucked firmly under our hick belts,
we were prepared to get out and kick
some serious ass here at the non-farm.
Spring sprang early, so we should have sprung into action.
Famous last freekin' words.

First order of business: Get out the damn door!
That done, all else is secondary.
In this context, I guffaw heartily at
'Work From Home' ads.

It's easy to diagnose the main culprit:
Time-sucking computers - way too many of 'em.
Worse, I pretend to be an actual geek,
burning up perfectly good daylight hours
tweaking various machines,
forcing them to pump out 100 words.

04/03 Direct Link
ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD

Ambling off to work one day
I dodged a bullet's brief foray!

I grasped the wheel
And took a breather
My head still reeled
"Don't like you either!"

The 'you' to which
I just referred
A mizurbull bychh
That freekin' TURD!

Headed to work
A late arriver
Dayum - some jerk
Is a lousy driver!

In my face he was today
That's MY space:
The right-o-way!

This angry thought
May wanna linger
Better not
Give him the finger!

He might be with the NRA
Growling stuff like
"Make my day!"

I tool along
Just little 'ol me
Whistlin' a song
Called "Let it be".

Right or wrong
I'll surely see
Don't go on impatiently!



04/04 Direct Link
Two For The Road

The foregoing automotive drama, however brief, was a hair-raising adrenaline-pumper of grief. And why not? In a split second, crazed, one's hackles are raised; faced with such scenarios, the Human Operating System, under the Autonomic Nervous System's auspices, snaps into the much-ballyhooed 'fight or flight' syndrome, applying requisite hormonal adjuncts behind the scenes, bolstering capabilities to face the crisis, in this case turning the wheel, applying brakes, uttering shout or squeal, whatever it takes!
Additional ancillary motor functions would possibly include extension of one's middle digit, waved in the general direction of the offender.
04/05 Direct Link
OTHER ROAD TRIPS

Tweeter had sussed out many a back-assed hick town dirt road during that very long month I was gone in India.
Hoosac Road was among them: A perilously winding snake of a road that connected Conway with Greenfield in a most remarkable way, providing both time economy and scenic intake.
When I got back, she showed me the route; I couldn't believe she had figured it out. I sure wouldn't have!
Navigational sense doesn't run in MY family.
In one month, the Buick had run up over 3000 miles!
A car fry from the city, 4-sure.
04/06 Direct Link
SAD EYES CENTURY

That 1986 Buick Century was Mom & Dad's
hand-me-down, gleaned by barter
for much-needed tree work
on the property they'd soon vacate.

Florida's easy winters beckoned;
the car was baggage
they needed to shed
before leaving.
It had boasted a $16,000 sticker price,
but by 1999 didn't look so nice!

It sucked on gas.

But we were in a pickle:
T had smoked the timing belt
on the Honda AFTER being warned
that t-belts would go 100,000 miles, not 150.
That must have been one hell of a hunk 'o rubber.

The Century's headlights drooped forlornly
as if to commiserate.


04/07 Direct Link

Seems each time I walk in town

Someone will chime:

“Your zipper’s down!”

Whoops! Oy-vay!

I quickly frown

What can I say?

Not looking down

Retort “okay

So I’m the clown!"

And then allude emphatically:

“Thank you, dude, for telling me!”


Disheveled, indeed

I admit it’s true

Therefore I need

The likes of you

For stating so poignantly

My wardrobe's vain discrepancy!

But I must beg

Your ocular lenience

You spied this fly

In open convenience!

Should I spout Butt out!?

Ahoy, my friend

Don't mean to offend!

Unzipped indeed

My trap-door is

Could it be

I need to whiz?

04/08 Direct Link
Back out of town
I wax poetic
With pad &pencil peripatetic!
Old-school writing obsolete?
Hell no, man, it's pretty neat!
No smart-ass phone
Nor sending text
I write alone
Knowing what comes next!
This latest post
With any luck it
Will play host
To my dear Rust-bucket!

Distracted driver
Thus was I
Tailpipe smokin' on the fly
Rust-bucket gets stares
Wherever it goes
No rings on it's fenders
Nor bells on its toes!
When will it die?
Nobody knows
But I need to buy
A new radiator hose!

The radiator was replaced
Then slapped on Bondo®
Holes erased!
Bumper fell off
'Twas bad, not good
But hey, no rust:
New bumper's WOOD!



04/09 Direct Link
RUST-BUCKET, Continued

High miles? You bet
Got miles aplenty
But that's what you get
When your car turns twenty!
Especially when she has to roll
'Oer gravelly crest
And rocky knoll
As Rustie's often had to roil
Tires soften; she gulps oil
She'll stall sometimes
Yeah, that will happen
Cross yellow lines
4 valves-a-tappin'
Struggling mightily, if you will
To contritely mount a hill
Sputtering, smoking
She'll seem to cough
Pissing those tailgaters off!
Hah! It serves those morons right!
Lucky if we get home tonight!

Of Rustie's troubles
Have I had enough?
NO! Look at prices
On new stuff!

I ain't got the heart
To put 'er down
She's a work of art
Like none other in town!

04/10 Direct Link
HOLY SMOKES!

'Twas Easter Day 2 days ago
And I neglected then to post
Hence 23 years back I'll go
2 days late, to make the most
Featuring pastor BROTHER JOE
Our memorable cacophonic host
Thinking fondly back, you know
To Brother Joe
We drink a toast!

That muggy '89 Easter Sunday
found us tucked into one stuffy
small-town church
with Brother Joe presiding, per usual.

As fate would have it,
I had been consuming
raw garlic for health reasons,
and hot weather meant my pores
emitted a rank effluvium,
even though in peremptory consideration
of the congregation,
the last clove was consumed Friday.

Cold stares greeted mine
and ceiling fans began to spin.



04/11 Direct Link

This evening's ode

After a long day was spent

Oh, I took a dirt road

To see where it went.

Although I'd rightly reckoned

It led to Vermont

Its ruddy face beckoned

A venturous jaunt!

 

2-C where it goes

This North County Road

Gas pedal & toes

The better to goad!

 

Over the cobble and rabble we rolled

By pastoral homesteads tucked into the fold.

 

‘Twas dusty, not muddy,

Its beauty extolled;

Dense wooded stretch parted

Then lo and behold!

Far out of the way indeed we thus rode

But look yonder, hey:

It's Alex's Road!

04/12 Direct Link
Though Alex's road led no-friggin'-where
I'd at least cracked the code
For I knew it was there!

Unlike mountaineers
Yea, those legends of old
Who'd conquered their fears
Ergo we were told
Like that famous verse
Though it didn't rhyme
"Because it was there"
Is why they did climb!

Compared to those folks
I'm fainter of heart!
My butt in the seat
Of this little go-cart
As I steer past sleek pasture
Rock walls and barbed wire
Worried the rubble
Will blow out a tire!

Just past Alex's road, I was still on time
To that pastoral homestead so sublime
Arriving for yet another session
Plying the trade of a humble profession!
04/13 Direct Link
A modest profession, yes indeed
Tangling the leash
Of a sleek canine steed
Who lives in the country
Past Alex's road
With such finely honed gentry
Exquisite abode!

In maroon painted mansion
Majestic, forlorn
Though sturdy the stanchion
Its clapboards well-worn
And a bit crusty
Yes, if you please
Road rather dusty
And deadwood in trees.

She's waiting inside
It's near 4 o'clock
Will she go for a ride
Or just a plain walk?

Cool canine compadre
The one I thus mentioned
Prepares for a foray
With my full attention!

The door does its creak
Enter mansion so spooky
To greet my sleek-coated friend
Ki-Saluki!

She's chipper as always
And sure doing well
Out for some forays
With Ki the GAZELLE!
04/14 Direct Link

At Sam’s behest

And not in jest

I may put him to the test!

It’s like being on the lam

Having a tiff:

No Uncle named Sam!

At least not last time I checked

Or plumb forgot

So what the heck?

I, we, two of many

Haven’t surrendered a blinkin’ penny

And yet to finish

This annual caper

Shuffling through reams ‘o paper!

Procrastination is the norm

In filling out 1040 form!

3 days to go; we’ll muddle through

As if we’ve nothing else to do!

Just like a joke no longer funny

Come on, slowpoke:

THEY WANT YOUR MONEY!

04/15 Direct Link
Yo! Today was supposed to be
Our much-loathed 'Tax Day'
Can't you see?
Yet so unavoidably
Entrenched, ensnared
A burden shared
By all folks known as 'WE'.

A date we lemmings all know so well!
With no avoiding 'Tax Day' hell
And you can be sure
That onerous chore
On this day we deplore
But can never ignore
Will keep us under the spell!

What's in the Tax Code?
Let's have a peek:
Oh, just for kicks
But then we'd FREAK
72,536
Is the number of pages
For what would we seek?
Could we do it in stages?

That private island's
Exemption's there
Oh, don't get riled
or be beguiled
It's LEGAL although it's not fair!






04/16 Direct Link

A merciful respite ‘twixt ordinary time to file and ACTUAL 2012 filing deadline (per banal, utterly humorless standardized IRS regulations) due to a decidedly mundane national holiday, stood us, at least temporarily, in somewhat good stead, as a multitude of multifarious necessities beckoned our perpetually divided, perennially scattered attention across the board, and we used all aforementioned serendipitously available waking hours (72, to be somewhat exact, allowing a measure of leniency due to potential time zone discrepancies and under-funded post offices’ banker’s hours), albeit mainly immersed inchoately, insouciantly and intermittently incoherently, in Internet internship; indoors, inwardly introspective, ignoring IRS!


 

04/17 Direct Link
Now's the time
For all good mower decks
To come to the aid
Of their staunch rednecks!

Yes, indeed, folks
The time is NOW
To rake and sweat
And mow and plow
Ready? Get set
Pause; mop your brow!

Snow-blower to stow
In shed so dusty
Bye bye, bygone snow
Snap on mower rusty
Away you go
For workin' so lusty!.

Such is Gravely tractors'
Awesome versatility!
For different factors'
Compatibility.

But first
For perennial procrastinators
Such as yours truly:
Finish printing tax form
Effort so duly
Tardiness the norm
For this bad boy unruly!

What's that you query?
E-file? No thanks;
It's gotten quite hairy
For dealin' with banks
Needs no commentary!

In closing: Whew!
We just filed - adieu!


04/18 Direct Link
Tax season behind us
Of course temporarily
Like a boil on the bum
Again it comes verily
Raising it's ugly zit-like head
With that bore of a chore
That we heartily dread!

Yes, dreaded by them
And you and me
But the price we pay
For society free
At least that's what supposedly
'They' say is the case
For you, them and me!

Though software these days
Makes it more easy
It's still quite the craze
And a little bit sleazy!

Accounting Method?
The options are 'cash'
Or 'accrual' it's said
Does that mean 'a stash'?

What a shame that we need
To waste so much time
On this 1040 screed
Such a big data mine!









04/19 Direct Link
NEW SKILL POSTED ON LinkedIn!

Ahoy, harried tech-ins
I know what you're thinkin'
You'd like to beckon
My butt to a Linkin'!
So please bear with me if you will
For you see I've got a NEW SKILL!

It's low-tech, that much you can bet
It's called Avoiding the Internet!

I spend more time off than you do ON
By the time you cough
My connection's gone!
So for this middling multi-tasker
Uploads needn't be any faster!

A glimpse outside: the sun is up
with mouse astride my coffee cup
I fidget and fuss with this killer app
I'm fixin' to cuss - so let's can the crap!




04/20 Direct Link

No matter how you kick and shout

Or send me stuff repeatedly

This Linkin’ boy’s a bit LinkedOut

Yet tuned-IN disconnectedly!

You’ll pull your hair and want to shout

When trying to get in touch with me

My cell avoidance staunch and stout

The EXACT definition of ‘FREE’!

 

That being said, it’s a beautiful day

But I’ll listen to your garbled cell

Forgive me, phone-freak, if I say

You’re bubbling through water

And it sounds like hell!

 

Dropped connection, 2 seconds flat

Glop! Correction! No app for THAT!

Sounds like nothing left to say

What a Bunch of static anyway!


 

 

 

 

04/21 Direct Link
HICKS SEE MOODY BLUES!

Last night was munificent JOY, for sure!
The Real McCoy
With majestic allure!
Such sonorous strains
Of the Moody Blues
Provided refrains that we could use!

Venues were booked
All ‘cross the nation
Performance they cooked
To a standing ovation!
This should come as no surprise
The 45th year
For these fabulous guys!

Yea, long before
This fine show was complete
The fans they did roar
And stayed up on their feet!

What's more, 2-B sure
Could be said of this band
They did not miss a beat
With the task at hand!

Sound system perfect
That blared from the towers
The 'Blues were our prefect
We SMILED for 2 hours!





04/22 Direct Link
PAEAN TO INVISIBLE EARTH DAY !


What happened to Earth Day?
Wasn't it NOW?
Well, excuse-a-you me,
For I must wonder how
The 'news' drones on ebulliently
With daily pap-chow:
Such puffery!
Focused, it seems,
On lottery dreams
And Lamborghini's,
Murderous screams,
Babes in bikinis
Dumbass hockey teams,
Let Zimmerman flit
And that Gaga Lady
Of course there's slick Mitt,
And deals gone shady.
Bribes and jibes,
And more sex scandals,
Such bad vibes
Well, bust my sandals!
Lakers and fakirs and billionaires
Who at 94, wed
Hey, WHO THE HELL CARES?
J-Lo toyboy's mirth
And his brand new Dodge
All but our EARTH
What a sorry HODGEPODGE!


04/23 Direct Link
Rain today and tonight out the ass,
In this arid April, it's come to pass.

Two days ago, no rain in sight,
Now we're drenched to the bone,
Such a terrible plight!
Bone-dry up 'til now,
Have new records been set?
Parched flowers somehow
Would like to forget!
We might say 'wow'
But it ain't over yet!

The upshot for this pair 'o hicks
Was a chance to surf and get our kicks!
As long as that computer's on
We keep 9 tabs open
Hey, let's shop Amazon!

A 100-Word member FINISHED April's batch!
Is something going on that we didn't catch?


04/24 Direct Link

Still reeling from the event that brought me to tears:

My first rock concert in 32 years!

And what a treat: No firecrackers, obnoxious townies or nefarious burning substances!

Lots of gray all over the place

Mostly boomers, but many a young face!

Glancing at this jury of peers

Respectably bellowing strident cheers

Even with ingestion of beers

Sloshed right up in a clear plastic cup

From behind the popcorn tiers!

No worries of not fitting in

Or Heaven forbid! - a 'den of sin'!

Not to mention the lack of din

Some fierce awesome tunes

The 'Blues did spin!


 

04/25 Direct Link

On the cusp of another busy season,

I sit stuck with a bit ‘o writer’s cramp
colored by springtime surge.
The latter could lead to the much-dreaded
condition known unaffectionately
in the green trades as ‘SPRING BACK’.

No, it’s not an ass-backwards assessment
of changing time, setting clocks back and such,
but rather is descriptive of a painful,
sometimes debilitating lumbar condition
brought about by overworking
underused muscles that lay fallow,
within reason, during the off-season.

Common remedies include ‘hair o’ th’ dawg’,
often by default, as bills need payin’,
gotta make dough; know what I’m sayin’?

OUT YOU GO!


04/26 Direct Link

Today the bulb betwixt my ears

Came up short on lumens

Not so bright or a bit unclear

This skull

I’d thought had room in!

Thus off to work

& squelch my fears

Of dealing with prickly humans!

Toiling for dollars as per need

As long as I can stand it

No longer a young or sprightly steed

But skill-set? Will expand it!

Youth slipped away again today

Amidst some peppering showers

Whilst harsh machinery chipped away

My waning, dithering powers!

Oh irksome this dry working world

At times so seems to be!

Undaunted, with one’s flag unfurled

Go unremittingly!

04/27 Direct Link

A DåY #N $PÂM±$PA©E

My, oh my!

So spry! So droll!

Through spam-pap I

Must wryly scroll!

Like a batch ‘o bad jokes

Bent wheels sans spokes

Supercilious hoax

No cessation to coax

So face it, dear folks

We’ve dug us a hole:

SPAM tsunami

Is out of control!

Who’s Gentleman ‘Max’?

He left any tracks?

Let’s find & grind him

With cyber-attacks!

Does Max work from home?

Sell fake RØLe× watches?

Or ‘hydroxatone’

For wrinkles & splotches?

What would these cretins

Elsewise be doing?

If not slingin' spam

And keeping us stewing?

04/28 Direct Link

HAD TO CRASH TODAY!

Up late + up early
= Not so great + me so surly!

That being said
'Twas back to bed
‘Twixt crumpled sheets
Wrapped ‘round my head
Dodging the day I’d come to dread
With tousled hair so curly!

Breakfast such a quick repast
Computer hummin’, gettin’ lost
Scanning pictures oh, so fast
Obligations thus come last!

Another day’s foray, late start
El Sol, I say “How great thou art!”

Next up, the trusty rusty wagon
Although my butt is REALLY draggin’

Off with the snows
Put on summer skins
Then hang out clothes
With trusty clothespins!





 

 

 

 

 

04/29 Direct Link

A late day start; to work I delve
Day start late, & dollar short
and it’s damn near freekin’ 12!
Up ‘til 3 - oh, glory be!
But these plans, you see
as a busy bee
I couldn't afford to shelve!

Ladder atop a tiny hatchback
Hoping at job-site to arrive;
maybe the windshield or roof will crack
But I’ll prevail in one piece, alive!

Took roundabout way
to avoid the hill
just tryin’ to stay in the saddle;
Bumpin’ and swayin’ if you will
Up Split’s Creek without the paddle!

Ready to work
with dust, rust,
and skedaddle!

04/30 Direct Link

A lone tree sloth clambered up Audrey’s
Norway Maple AGAIN today,
tools in hand, to work, not play.

The latest windstorm had ripped off 5 or 6
more limbs, so I incised another 300 lbs. or so
out of the top (WITHOUT actually topping it!)
to assuage her fears.

With all the cumulative damage,
it’s remarkable how much tree is still left
after half the trunk crashed
onto busy Federal Street last fall.

Also remarkable is how much AUDREY is still left!
“I still have cancer,” she says,
“and it’s gotten worse.”
Yet she remains energetic; no need to rehearse!