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08/01 Direct Link
JOE NIEDERMEYER fouls out, and Billy Rugburn takes the bag. Me, I say my rosary and hop on deck. Bill’s a fine fellow who nevertheless hadn’t lain hide off pitcher Treat Walsh all season. Walsh, a bruiser who knows how to slick ‘em in royal, is a gifted screwballer and today is eager to help catcher Tom Harkin break in his mitt. Sock! Sock! Sock! Poor Billy slouches off, dragging his bat through the Illinois dust. So O.K, O.K., two outs. Suddenly there’s confusion! Hot dog, and here comes security to chase me off the field! Well sir, that’s baseball.
08/02 Direct Link
“LOOK AT THAT.”

— “Is that it?”

“Yup. The Enterprise.”

— “That’s a sweet ship.”

“You missed her docking.”

— “You ever been aboard a starship?”

“I’ve been on a trainer, a freighter, and a miner. Not a starship yet.”

— “I’ve only been on a transport and an observatory.”

“Observatories don’t count.”

— “Well, just a transport then.”

“My brother’s on a starship. The USS Yorktown.”

— “Your brother Abel?”

“Yup.”

— “You should get a tour.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

— “How long has it been?”

“Since I’ve seen him?”

— “Yeah.”

“four years.”

— “You should definitely get a tour next time you see him.”

“Maybe. It’s complicated.”

— “Oh.”
08/03 Direct Link
“CAN I HELP you, sir?”

— “I have an appointment with the Commissioner.”

“You’ll have to wait out here, sir, or come back. He’s in a conference.”

— “You’re from the Enterprise?”

“Sir?”

— “You guys are from the Enterprise?”

“Yes sir.”

— “Yeah, I saw your ship. ... How long is this supposed to take?”

“You can wait out here, sir, or come back. It’s up to you.”

— “She’s fast, huh? The Enterprise?”

“With due respect, sir, I’m not at liberty to discuss ship operations or specifications, pax or personnel, or mission objectives. If you’re interested, sir, I refer you to your station library.”
08/04 Direct Link
“WHAT IS IT, Neil?”

— “I can’t talk about it.”

“Trouble at work?”

— “Just administrative stuff. Nothing for you to worry about.”

“Are you OK?”

— “Yes, yes, dear. Absolutely well. How was your day?”

“What did the Enterprise captain want to talk to you about?”

— “I can’t discuss that. It’s classified. That’s what I’m saying.”

“Is it a security thing? You can tell me that. Is the station OK?”

— “The station’s absolutely fine. Please, Barbara.”

“Does it have to do with the murders on the planet?”

— “Barbara! Please, sweetness. Turn out the light.”

“I’m going shopping tomorrow.”

— “There’ll be no shuttles.”
08/05 Direct Link
“WHOA, DAD!”

— “Oh, my God. Wow.”

“Is that a rainbow?”

— “No, it’s a ... kind of cloud. Why would you think it was a rainbow?”

“It’s a lightning cloud!”

— “What the hell is that?”

“There’s something in it! Look!”

— “There’s a ship or something in there! Run and get my binoculars.”

“Wicked!”

— “Binoculars! Now! They’re in my armoire, bottom drawer, right side.”

“Armoire?”

— “Where Daddy keeps his suits. In the drawer. Bottom, right.”

“In your bedroom?”

— “Yes! Yes, where I ... never mind, I’ll —”

“I know where it is! I’ll get them!”

— “The hell’s going on up there? Is that a starship?”
08/06 Direct Link
Star Trek Elemental Crush (2016); USA
132 min - Action | Adventure | Sci-Fi

When a mysterious space probe lays waste to the Klingon empire and bears down on San Francisco, Captain Kirk defies orders and leads the Enterprise back to 1987 on a suicide mission to capture two renegade “xenomorphs,” shapeshifting alien assassins disguised as whales. Meanwhile, Spock’s emotions threaten the ship — and his romance with Uhura — when, driven by fiery alien longing, he falls in love with cetology center celebrity spokesman Jamie Farr.

Director: J.J. Abrams
Writers: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Stars: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana
08/07 Direct Link
“FILL IT to this line.”

— “I know.”

“You have to bend down to see the level.”

— “I know: the meniscus line.”

“Sorry.”

— “I got this.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just not sure what our story is.”

— “Well, I don’t know either. I’m just filling this thing.”

“I guess we could be anything, really.”

— “Still fillin’.”

“We could be explorers on Mars.”

— “Nope.”

“In a crime lab? Like, detectives?”

— “Nope.”

“You’re a kid with his first chemistry set?”

— “Don’t know; don’t care.”

“This is the worst one yet.”

— “Find something to do, man. Ride out the clock. Fill something.”

“Yeah.”
08/08 Direct Link
(Reuters) - Glenn Greenwald, the American journalist who published documents leaked by fugitive former U.S. intelligence contractor Edward Snowden, told Reuters today that Snowden is set to out an American “hundred words” program based not on surveillance of the Internet, but rather on extra-sensory perception.

Greenwald said an American E.S.P. program, started under President George W. Bush and expanded under President Barack Obama, quietly and without court oversight “collects the thoughts of billions worldwide and develops them for flash fiction purposes.”

He said Snowden would show proof of this claim on Monday from Russia, where he has been granted temporary asylum.
08/09 Direct Link
“THAT’S HIM! Shh.”

— “God. Wow. Yeah.”

“Right?”

— “No offense, but...”

“I know. It’s OK.”

— “How’d you find him? Out of all the possible universes...”

“Well, the range of possible universes is effectively infinite. I limited my search to what I guess you’d call the local neighborhood, filtering out... well, it’s statistical. This wasn’t so hard.”

— “He is hunky.”

“OK now.”

— “Is he as smart as you?”

“He’s everything I am, but more. Better. He’s just... I guess the word is alive.”

— “You’re alive.”

“Not like him.”

— “So what now? Should we say hello?”

“What for?”

— “Just to be friendly.”

“...No.”
08/10 Direct Link
OTHER BOOKS BY JOHN SNYDER

Narrated Adventure of the Attractive Young Adults

Umbrella, Boot, or Puddle? and Other Rainy-Day Games

John Snyder’s Ultimate Acorn Diet

Colonel Frank Grapple on Punk Kids
Colonel Frank Grapple on Dog Obedience
Colonel Frank Grapple on Not Liking Cats

2011 Memories

Favorite Fondants, Stews, and Eclairs

The John Snyder Angry Sketchbook

Maus III

Such a Brisket! and Other Essays

Prank Onion Soups You Can Serve
Prank Pie Fillings to Spring on Friends
Prank Crème Fraîche They’ll Never See Coming

How to Customize Every Damn Thing in Your Life
How to Have Had Saved For Retirement
08/11 Direct Link
SNYDER: Senator, I have weighed my position on pasta, and it’s unchanged. It’s unchanged.

MCROYCE: Now —

SNYDER: I have not changed my views, sir, nor shall I.

MCROYCE: Nobody’s asking you to change your views. Nobody up here gives a damn, son. What we want to know is what will you recommend with regard to pasta — to macaroni noodles, specifically.

SNYDER: I’ll continue to recommend with regard to macaroni what I’ve recommended with regard to pasta. As I see it – and I’ve been consistent, I’ve been on the record — I make no distinction between noodles and pasta: Boil them, Senator.
08/12 Direct Link
HALFNEY: Mr. Snyder, I would like to open my remarks by echoing the sentiments of our distinguished committee chair, and thank you most sincerely for taking the time to accept our invitation to testify this afternoon.

SNYDER: Thank you, Senator Halfney.

HALFNEY: Lovely foliage out. I hope you’ll take advantage.

SNYDER: Yes sir.

HALFNEY: Mr. Chairman, I am personally very gratified to hear Mr. Snyder attest to what all of the other leading experts in his field have said, and what most of my constituents most ardently believe: that macaroni noodles must first be boiled before undergoing their proper gustatory consumption.
08/13 Direct Link
"FORM ELEVEN. Sign and date at the bottom. Initial here, here, here, and here."

— "What am I reading?"

"This is a general waiver of liability. You have to sign this to move on to the next stage."

— "Um."

"It’s standard."

— "OK. Hang on."

"It says that you understand that although we have taken every reasonable precaution to train and protect you, time travel is inherently dangerous, and you agree to hold the corporation, its agents, partners, employees, vendors and shareholders entirely harmless in the event you are injured, killed, or suffer any sort of sidewise quantum de-probabilities."

— "Uh."

"Sign here."
08/14 Direct Link
“ANOTHER innocent man, am I right?”

— “No, I did it. I’m guilty.”

“Hot damn. You’re rare, man. I thought the State of California only locked up innocent men.”

— “Nope. They got me.”

“*Sigh* I peg you... white collar. Some computers and bullshit.”

— “Nope.”

“Not white collar?”

— “It’s not a secret. I’ll tell you.”

“No, let me guess. What-all else am I gonna do. You, I’d say... shit. Not white collar?”

— “Nope.”

“Crime of passion? Drugs?”

— “No.”

“You don’t look the type, is all. You look... Insurance, or some shit?”

— “No, that’s white collar.”

“All right, what?”

— “Saved an archduke.”
08/15 Direct Link
“THE REASON I called you in, son, is that every version of you we take on seems hell-bent on saving the goddamned world. Now, why is that?”

— “Well...”

“Let me finish; that was rhetorical. You do understand the world is the way it is for a reason, don’t you? That all the famines, wars, plagues, and pestilence we enjoy are out there doing the Lord’s work for the greater good.”

— “It’s just...”

“By which I mean to say I can not have you running around saving Archduke fucking Ferdinand!”

— “Yes sir.”

“We’re proofreaders, son. Please stop fucking this up.”
08/16 Direct Link
HEIR TO AUSTRIA'S THRONE IS SLAIN WITH HIS WIFE BY A BOSNIAN YOUTH TO AVENGE SEIZURE OF HIS COUNTRY

Special Cable to THE NEW YORK TIMES.

SARAJEVO, Bosnia, June 28, (By courtesy of the Vienna Neue Freie Presse.) -- Archduke Francis Ferdinand, heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, and his wife, the Durchess of Hohenberg, were shot and killed by a Bosnian student here today. An unidentified Samaritan, believed American, was wounded intervening. The fatal shooting was the second attempt upon the lives of the couple during the day, and is believed to have been the result of a political conspiracy.
08/17 Direct Link
“SO THAT’S that.”

— “Yes, Mr. President.”

“OK. Activate him.”

[General motions to an aide, who places a telephone call. The general and the president share a moment of silence. Then...]

— “Mr. President, if I may...”

“Yes, Martin?”

— “In my opinion, sir...”

“You gave me your opinion.”

— “In my personal opinion, sir, this was inevitable. History will remember that.”

“History.”

— “Yes sir. I know you aren’t concerned with the history books here today, but as a practical matter, given the facts...”

“Thanks, Mart. I wish I had been able to find that third goddamned option.”

— “Activating Snyder was inevitable, Mr. President.”
08/18 Direct Link
“Sir! Cable intercept: The Americans have activated John Snyder.”

— “I know. The president called me.”

“You knew?”

— “An hour ago.”

“Well, what should we do?”

— “Do?”

“We are looking for the protocol, but...”

— “There is no need, Sergey; there is no such protocol.”

“I don’t understand.”

— “Obama is rolling his dice for all the world on this one.”

“But...”

— “You look worried, friend. Do you not trust the benevolent Americans?”

“This is madness!”

— “I would have done the same thing.”

“You would not! With respect.”

— “No? Sergey, have I not told you the story of the fox and the serpent?”
08/19 Direct Link
TODAY’S PLANNED TASKS

Stop charging the second Orlan battery pack 825M3 and start charging the second pack [Complete]

CASKAD. Manual Mixing in Bioreactor /r/g 3070 [Complete]

Columbus Front Deck Rack Front Restow [Complete]

CBEF - Removal of MEU B (4) [Complete]

Review of preliminary EVA timeline and ODF. r/g 3226 [Complete]

MASX - Failsafe Maser Target to John Snyder /geosat/r/g 999 [Complete]

VZAIMODEISTVIYE Experiment Ops /r/g 2370 [Complete]

Completion of experiment session InSPACE3 [Complete]

SPHERES - Hardware Shutdown and Battery Check [Complete]

Review EVA Translation Paths and Work Zones through ISS Windows and with the use of DOUG [Complete]
08/20 Direct Link
[A crackle, rip, and flash. An alien destroyer, bristling with weaponry, vomits into high Earth orbit.]

“Earth insertion, Commander.”

— “Very good. Damage?”

“None, Commander.”

— “The crew?”

“Stand by. Yes. The usual nausea. One crewman dead.”

— “Which?”

“Hold, Commander... Slithfield, a lowly in the vent bay. Jump shock.”

— “Weakling.”

“Yes, Commander.”

— “Very well. We have the Earth, for what it’s worth. Target capitals; ready the siphon.”

“I obey.”

— “What’s that?”

“Where, Commander?”

— “That streak.”

“A station, Commander.”

— “I see that. What’s it doing? Resolve.”

“It’s... training a maser on the surface.”

— “Targeting what? Show me... Holy merciful tentacles! A John Snyder!”
08/21 Direct Link
“COMMANDER, a missile comes.”

— “That’s no missile, you fool.”

“Impact in seven minutes.”

— “Back off, fast. Get us behind that moon.”

“I obey.”

— “Hissfed’s Ghost, they have just the one moon? This wretched world. Make speed!”

“Closing. Contact in five minutes.”

— “You said seven!”

“The missile... The...”

— “It’s John Snyder, egg!”

“Yes, Commander. John Snyder gains velocity.”

— “Can we jump? Can we --”

“No, Commander. To cycle the --”

— “Best speed for their moon! Run! Cancel life support below the corral. Add maneuvering thrusters; anything!”

“Three minutes. Weapons, Commander?”

— “Yes, yes, fire at will: everything!”

“I obey. Setting up solutions.”

— “Just fire!”
08/22 Direct Link
“MR. PRESIDENT. Good morning, sir.”

— “Morning, Jim. What’ve we got?”

“Damn thing popped up at 0300 Eastern, over Cuba, 22,000 miles up, and since then has been making for the Moon.”

— “This a joke?”

“No sir. Cavalier and Eglin confirm unknown hostile in our picket: one kilometer long, twenty stories tall, displacement unknown. Protrusions here, here, here, and all along here, and we think this ridge here, are weapons. This port here we have no idea.”

— “Just popped up out of nowhere?”

“Yes sir. And it’s trailing debris. We think it’s hurt.”

+ “Show him the other one.”

“It’s John Snyder, sir.”
08/23 Direct Link
“Another one down.”

— “Finish your book?”

“Yeah.”

— “Was it good?”

“Was all right. Movie was better.”

— “Cool.”

“You know what I’m gonna do?”

— “What?”

“I’m gonna go into the chamber.”

— “Ha. Right.”

“No, I am.”

— “Uh huh.”

“I bet it’s awesome.”

— “Whatever. Just wait ‘til our shift is over so they don’t arrest me too.”

“No one’s getting arrested; I’m just gonna sit in it.”

— “Rules is rules, Hoss; that’s the ... Hey! What’s that?”

“I’m just gonna sit in it!”

— “That’s my card!”

“It’s gonna be OK.”

— “Bullshit! Gimme back my fuckin’ card!”

WHIRRR

— “Kevin! Stop!”

“Two seconds!”

— “Kevin! Kevin!”
08/24 Direct Link
Maria,

I closed out with $15 too much. I don’t know where it came from. I went over everything and it checked out, and even though I had that trouble with the CC (per my call) all the receipts still add up right, including that one I had to do manual Amex. And it’s exactly $15, which is strange, so maybe I started with $15 more in the bank and missed that in the count? I don’t think so. Anyway, sorry.

End-of-the world guy came in to order a Garfield treasury. Keeps things interesting!

— Paul
08/25 Direct Link
Maria,

I’m $15 over again, no idea how. I am wracking my brain. Two manual CCs today, one for $21.20 and the other for $22.05. (Included three of Jerry’s postcards!) I put in an hour trying to figure out the overage, then decided you’d want me to stop. Any idea what this could be?

Really big special order for your friend Judy: 30 copies of Mr. Palomar. Pretty exciting!

Eight people signed up for Bridge dinner tickets. Nobody bought tickets for The Crucible.

I let end-of-the-world guy borrow the phone. Just FYI.

Thanks,
Paul
08/26 Direct Link
Maria,

I am AGAIN over $15. I’d say someone’s pulling a joke, but I never leave the register unattended, and when I use the restroom I make sure no one’s here. This is nuts. We should have taken in exactly $202.79; I have no idea why it shows more.

CC machine finally died, so all CC receipts are manual. I called the number and they said they’d call you back Monday.

Sold 30 Bridge Dinner tickets. Crucible: still zero. Did they advertise?

End-of-world guy brought in three friends: his posse. They looked around and left.

— Paul
08/27 Direct Link
Maria,

Hope all’s well. I tried to reach you by cell and FB today. You’ll note we’re $150 over. We had 18 sales: nine checks and nine manual CCs, which must be some kind of a record -- not one cash sale -- and at the end of the day there are seven extra 20s and a 10. I am at a loss.

We sold one Bridge Dinner seat; no Crucible tickets moved. Is it still scheduled? Haven’t seen Helen or I’d ask.

No sign of end-of-world guy today, and no mail for the store. Pretty quiet, overall.

— Paul
08/28 Direct Link
Maria,

Couldn’t help but notice all of the books have been replaced by sacks bursting with fifties, hundreds, and gold coins. Was this your project? If so, I think it’s great.

Lots of foot traffic. Everybody paid in cash, except for end-of-the-world guy, who redeemed store credit for his Garfield treasury. He seemed unusually chipper, and even wanted to give me his Stetson as a gift. I declined politely.

All the tickets to the Bridge Dinner are sold out.

Felt badly for Helen, so I bought a ticket to The Crucible.

Came out even today. Hurrah!

— Paul
08/29 Direct Link
JOHN
SNYDER

in

“BUCCANEER
BLOGGER”

Animation ~~ Manuel Perez, Ken Champin, Virgil Ross, Gerry Chiniquy

Story ~~~ Michael Maltese ~ Ted Pierce

Layouts ~~~~ Hawley Pratt
Background ~ ~ ~ Paul Julian

Voice Characterization ~ Mel Blanc

Musical Direction ~ ~ ~ Carl Stalling

Directed by
I. FRELENG

Scene opens in typical W. Mass. apartment living room. Couch, futon, bookcases, lamps. YOSEMITE SAM is digging a hole in the floor with a shovel, gaily singing an apartment shanty. From a wheel barrow, he dumps into the hole a merry stream of apples and used books.
08/30 Direct Link
SAM WAS short, loud, belligerent, and armed. Two breech loaders, a cutlass, and who the hell knew what else. Jumping up and down and railing at me, "I'm a pirate! Sea-goin' Sam, the blood-thirstiest, shoot-'em-first-iest, doggone worst-iest buccaneer that ever sailed the Spanish main!"

OK. Now here’s the thing. Ordinarily I’d have handed his little trinkets back to him, shrugged my shoulders, and walked off. I didn’t want his jewels, and I think he knew it. Not worth my time.

But he’d pissed me off. And I knew — just knew — I could take him.
08/31 Direct Link
TODAY'S CHARACTER comes to us from Clovis, Calif. Join the Clovis Police Department on Saturday, Sept. 28 at Sierra Meadows Park at Sierra and Temperance from 5 to 9 p.m. Meet the officers; learn about the Clovis Community Watch neighborhood program; browse the food, game, and boutique vendor booths; and enjoy live music.

The character, Clovis native Geoff Punge, 69, has five children from three marriages, only one of whom, a handsome pickpocket named Henry Dank, 19, keeps in touch.

Today Punge considers a “Wharf” unit at Providence Pointe: Two beds, one bath, 885 square feet, $970 per month.