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04/01 Direct Link
YOUR LUCKY FRACTIONS FOR 2013

1. 0.00300030002626...
2. 0.432
3. 0.01000000000001
4. 0.501
5. 0.999999999999992
6. X=X:Send $5 for decimal value
7. Three slices of pizza pie divided by one thousand one hungry middle schoolers
8. Maryanne Fraction of Clear Lake, Texas
9. "Encyclopedia Brown and the Mystery of Zeno’s Hypotenuse"
10. Is one the loneliest number? Discuss

YOUR UNLUCKY WILD ANIMALS FOR 2013

1. Cobra
2. Kibble terrier
3. Grizzly shrimp
4. Hercules ant
5. Yellow belted throat rasp
6. Pontoon mites
7. Clown-faced rib tickler
8. Ecuadorian spotted ass
9. Roadrunner
10. Homo sapiens

YOUR LUCKY WORDS FOR 2013

1. Plimpton
2. Katzenjammer
3. Envenom’d
4. Glazed
5. Condor

YOUR UNLUCKY WORDS FOR 2013

1. Shed
2. Shrimp
3. Shellack
4. Selleck
5. The
04/02 Direct Link
“YOU DON’T FLY anymore?”

“Nah. Store and back.”

“But, like...”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Um. It’s... I can’t figure out what’s wrong. I can fly amazingly fast; really, screamingly fast...”

“I know!”

“But I can’t sustain it. I get up there just so far, and then the tank’s empty. I hate falling. Fuckin’ hate it.”

“You can’t recover?”

“Nope. I hit an apartment building once. A highway another time. Landed on pool furniture. Fuck it.”

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I just don’t have it anymore.”

“Jeez.”

“How’ve you been?”

“Me? Good, good.”

“Wife okay?”

“Yup.”

“Kids?”

“Everyone’s good.”
04/03 Direct Link
“Emile Blankenship, see?”

“Oh.”

“This was his style. Pastoral.”

“It’s nice.”

“It’s simple, right? Primitive.”

“You were right the first time. Pastoral.”

“What?”

“It’s not primitive.”

“I don’t know. Well, whatever. Do you like it?”

“Yeah. I like it.”

“It looks like our place.”

“Idealized, I guess.”

“That’s the porch. That’s the kitchen.”

“Yeah. I get it.”

“This would be the living room. Look, see? The carriage house.”

“Right.”

“This would be the street.”

“Looks better with a farm around it.”

“Look, there’s Bobby and Ranger!”

“Yep. The smallest detail.”

“You don’t like it.”

“I would love to live there.”
04/04 Direct Link
PET PEEVE

People who don’t understand that what they think was a long time ago, isn’t: Obama’s re-election; Bush v. Gore; Reaganomics; World War II; Gettysburg; the Boston Tea Party; Magna Carta... That happened recently.

Antique chairs are brand new, geologically speaking. We’re just so short-sighted.

“Oh, the McCarthy era. Flappers. Biblical days. So long ago.”

No. No.

Even the dinosaurs. They lived just a moment ago.

We’re nothing special. We’re not removed from these billions of years; we’re part of them. We’re the heat on the fuzz of the skin of a plump peach: everything we know.
04/05 Direct Link
“LOOK, THERE’S a fight out there!”

— “Where?”

“Right out there. Across the street.”

— “Oh yeah.”

“You gonna get ‘em?”

— “Well, it’s wrapping up.”

“What? You’re right here. Check it out. Hero time.”

— “I’ll pass. ‘Hero time.’ Nice. I’ll use that.”

“Zippity-zap, man. You’re really not going out?”

— “What do you want me to do?”

“They’re whaling on him.”

— “I bet you a million dollars he pulls through.”

“Wh-- what?”

— “Pulls through, grows up, becomes a cop. How do I know? You gotta let people live, Jim.”

“But...”

— “I drink one cup of coffee a day. This is it.”
04/06 Direct Link
FILLER APHORISMS

— Find yourself a teacher to many, and an apple is your reward.

— Nothing gathers friends faster than the rule of law.

— When one mouse sees his shadow, we call it spring; when two mice see the shadow of one, we suspect they’re related.

— Go in peace, you who would be peaceful; the rest of us take other measures.

— Learn what you can from your surroundings, if indeed you are surrounded.

— A table set for two is often enough. For eighty we will need trained caterers.

— What a king lacks in privacy he more than gains in gold and ermine.
04/07 Direct Link
MORE APHORISMS

When you spend a day at seaside, know that others, elsewhere, have the same idea.

If you handle today’s most difficult task properly, all other tasks will seem less onerous.

Be glad, layabout, that some men sell turnips and others sail ships.

Wake desiring only to get out of bed, if you can.

Night falls as heavily on the mountain goat as it does the carp, though the two in their hunger shall never meet.

The virtues of grace, wisdom, and temperance are worth your study.

No man must eat meat; however, all must be made of it.
04/08 Direct Link
MÁS AFORISMOS

Wrap your cares in a silken kerchief, then send the lot westward on a trout’s back. If the trout asks a worm, you can hardly refuse. This brings you both everlasting peace.

Wear your clothes with some determination, fellows: more this week than usual.

The customs of the people in your mirror are ridiculous.

Learn the story of the pilgrim who argued with Mt. Fuji and save yourself his trouble.

With victory at stake, nothing less than 500 jumping jacks the hour should impress the earnest coach.

Do you matter to somebody? If to nobody, then to us.
04/09 Direct Link
MEHR APHORISMEN

As the shepherd tends his flock, so, too, the night watchman his doors.

Take a knee and embrace all children if you really want the mumps.

Befriend these three in turn, and never go without: a fisherman, a cook, and a potter.

Count on one raindrop in forty storms to precisely fill a bathtub.

Beware the men of other provinces: these fellows have dastardly ways.

Darn your socks whether they cry for the deed or not. In this way you will master darning, and others will know you thus.

Decide your favorite color, damn you. And tell the world!
04/10 Direct Link
APHORISMES ‘&’ MAXIMES

— If no busses stop at your village, build your own bus and stop.

— Find an army and join it. It matters not which one. Only fight!

— No shark has ever eaten too many people.

— The cock crows, the wolf howls; and you?

— As the roaring flame needs oxygen, so, too, men need steak.

— What some men print in their newspapers is their concern; avoid captions.

— You must avoid certain people to win the affection of the most influential.

— Always have a song at the ready. Spring it forth during tense deliberations.

— Nine days’ hike is better than 10.
04/11 Direct Link
LET THERE BE LIGHT

“Hey!”

“That’s it.”

“That’s all?”

“All? That was forty-five years.”

“But... What happens next? How does it end?”

“I’m still editing. I just wanted to show you what I have. Do you like it?”

“I... Yeah! He really held my interest: he’s warm, complex, melancholy... Things are really starting to come together for him in interesting ways...”

“Thank you.”

“You lavish such attention on his back story, all these side stories. All these insects...”

“Thank you.”

“He’s never even been to this continent—”

“Africa.”

“He’s never even been there, yet each warlord has a great-grandfather!”

“Thank you.”

“Totally.”
04/12 Direct Link
“HOW ABOUT SNYDER?”

“For defensive end?”

“He’s got heart, swat, and speed. I like him.”

“He’s got swat and speed, no doubt about it, but he’s afraid to hit a guy.”

“Bullshit.”

“Bullshit? Tony, where was Snyder in, uh, against Nebraska?”

— “When we seen him?”

“Yeah.”

— “Ice cream parlor.”

“Right.”

— “A malted milk.”

“A malted milk. Okay. So where I’m comin’ from is that he wasn’t on the field. He could have all the attributes of a Reggie White, but if he ain’t on the field, uh...”

“You ever read his writing?”

“I’m givin’ you thirty, forty, trained killers!”

“Gimme Snyder.”
04/13 Direct Link
“MOM, I WANNA GET STRAWBERRIES!”

“They're not in season, honey.”

“But I wannem! They goddem right here!”

“They’re not in season. Put them down. They’re not ready yet.”

“But I wannem!”

“Sweetie, when it’s strawberry season — close that. Close that.”

“Mmf!”

“Hector Beauregard! You close that up! That’s stealing!”

“Murmfle!”

“One more and that’s it! You close that up! Hector! Please, Hector! The word for that is ‘shoplifting’!”

“They’re dry!”

“I told you! They’re not in season!”

“I wanna Shasta!”

“They don’t sell Shasta here, honey. This is a Whole Foods.”

“Wull what can I have?”

“Here, honey. Mommy’s Twizzlers.”
04/14 Direct Link
NONE OF US dared breathe, let alone move. I prayed I wouldn’t piss my pants and coat myself in what the angelhead would scent as a playful vinaigrette.

If I could have pressed back any further against my boulder I might have. I wanted to fall through it and have it swallow me up. Safe forever entombed in granite, good night, good night.

The ploppy, wet burp of a summer Dumpster.

It was moving.

Curious claws scraped rocks. Were we here?

No.

Were we there?

No.

Hm.

Well, we must be somewhere.

My Daisy AR-19 plasma rifle.

My phone.

Buzzing...
04/15 Direct Link
“Have at, Timmonds!”

Now I’d done it. Big John Galoot, spoiling at fisticuffs in the parlor, circled about and windmilled in general drunken readiness, eying me.

“You cur! Take your medicine! I’ll knock you about, see if I don’t!”

I smiled. John missed Spain. We all did.

I was about to decline his invitation when I saw his face grow ashen, and he started, flummoxed. He saw them. These “Klingons” that occasionally vexed him. They with their Tesla pistols.

Galoot blinked, lowered his arms, and sank unevenly to the chaise longue, nearly flattening Mrs. Meowles, which leaped rugward to safety.
04/16 Direct Link
THERE’S ALWAYS a price to pay.

I can speed up my reactions, like, ten to one. Sanchez might as well have been loitering:

Here comes his right, he’s bringing it up. A little business with his left. There are his eyes, closing into a blink. He’s sweating. I start to think about where to vacation this summer. Sint Maarten, I guess? He sees me, and his glove drags in. I dip down—slowly, slowly—and right-hand-trade to the head. Bam bam bam! And left to the body, body! Right cross!

That evening a migraine flattens me.

Can’t win.
04/17 Direct Link
SAYIN'S

To meet your great-grandfather in dreams, sleep on a bench of levers and pulleys. For your great-grandmother, butter and herbs.

Who entertains children entertains adults, long after he’s dead. Think about it.

Let the butterfly and the mule trade places for a day. Advisedly not longer than that.

If your waiter needs a hug, offer it. Odds are he’ll favor that to a pot of gold, and you’ll pocket the difference.

If the parking lot is dirty, can you trust the dry cleaner?

Children! What treasures, we are led to believe. Just make the best of it.
04/18 Direct Link
WISD’M

What have you to fear from fatty foods? It’s the other way around, friend.

Visit the eagle, the wolf, and the octopus. Only then can you say you’ve been outside.

If you have turned fifty without writing a story, you have forgotten to live.

When the djinn offers you your wish, ask to smell the clothes you wore when you were little. Everything else should follow.

When you can go out among the turtles and live as they, without regard to the date or any such thing, you’ll have achieved turtle enlightenment. Ask your pet store about this limited-time offer.
04/19 Direct Link
“WHERE’S THIS?”

“This is on Kepler 62e. It was nice. Like Iceland, I guess; I weighed more there.”

“Hazy.”

“Sorry, yeah, that’s from my phone. I used my iPhone.”

“Oh.”

“They don’t design ‘em for deep space or alien worlds. It’s all very—”

“—Yeah.”

“They got tolerances.”

“So was there life?”

“On 62e?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know.”

“On any of them.”

“Honestly, I’m not a scientist. Nothing leaped out at me, but it seemed like the kind of place where something could grow. There was rain.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, big, crackling storms; lakes, oceans...”

“Oh!”

“It was like swimming in Windex.”
04/20 Direct Link
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04/21 Direct Link
Sitting on the couch.

Aware of the process.

Gathering introspection.

My brain reaching inside itself. Sloshing in the meat and sparks.

For an idea.

To develop.

Hands balance the laptop on my lap.

Fingers type.

An alignment? No. Unaligned.

Images. Seldom smells or sounds. Sometimes motion.

Mucky, with colors and blur.

Somewhere in there...

Remembering to breathe.

The window. Light; forms.

The body chimes in. Back, legs ache.

Back to work.

Doc Brown connecting the cable just as lightning strikes and the DeLorean...

I often see that when I set to write.

Space? Loneliness? Alone with the world?

Something.

This.
04/22 Direct Link
"YOU CATFISH?"

"Siddown."

"You’re Catfish, right? Our mutual friend, uh, Joe, said I should talk to you."

"How do you know Joe?"

"I made him up. I’m a writer."

"Uh huh."

"That’s not gonna be a problem, is it?"

"Not ‘less you make it one. What’s the job?"

"Well..."

"Hold up. How do I know you ain’t a cop?"

"I’m not. I’m not a cop."

"Well then how come you’re dressed in a fancy police dress uniform?"

"It’s nothing, nothing. I’m not a cop."

"Well who’re those cops behind you?"

"Don’t worry about them. They’re not with me."

"Uh huh."
04/23 Direct Link
“MORNING.”

“Morning, Chief.”

“What’d we get?”

“All right, our biggest catch of the night was Catfish Jones—”

“Again?”

“Likes the room service.”

“Where’s the arresting?”

“Here.”

“...Who’s this 'John Snyder'?”

“Yeah, we picked them up together. Conspiracy to, um...”

“What?”

“Well, Snyder’s a writer.”

“Yeah?”

“What we picked him up for, I can’t see. My mind doesn’t go there. It’s not written down.”

“What?”

“Sorry, Chief. I don’t know anything about Snyder. He’s...”

“Where the hell are we?”

“Yeah.”

“Samuelson?”

“Sorry, Chief. We’re...”

“Where the hell are we?”

“No priors.”

“Samuelson?”

“End of the line, Chief. Nice working with you.”
04/24 Direct Link
"THEY’LL BELIEVE you. They’ll have to!"

"It’s madness. They’ll say I’m a loon."

"But you have the data. They can’t argue with that. They can reproduce it..."

"I can’t publish this."

"Leonard Phinneas Bushkin, I’m surprised at you! You’ve tested and re-tested this a dozen times."

"Two dozen."

"Two dozen! And it comes out the same every time."

"There are variations..."

"Miniscule! You said that the standard deviation allows—"

"It does! It does! I just..."

"What?"

"I don’t want to believe it myself! My God! The whole world and everything in it, you and me, we're just 100 words!"
04/25 Direct Link
“HERE YA GO, fellas. Large cheese, half pep. Be careful, it’s hot. Is there anything else you need?”

“My dad says we’re just a short story.”

“Pardon me?”

“And that the world’s gonna end in a few minutes.”

“Oh yeah?”

“—Kids.”

“Well, OK then. Is there anything else you need?”

“Yeah, um. Well, only, I feel bad about that. Do you?”

“You know what? I’m sure your pop has everything under control. Enjoy!”

“...I’m sorry, Dad.”

“—About what?”

“That he didn’t believe you.”

“—It’s OK. It’s a sad subject.”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s eat.”

“Yeah, let’s!”

“Careful, it’s hot.”

“Not to me!”
04/26 Direct Link
“Here! Told you!”

“Wow!” 



“Cool, huh?”

“Did you drop anything in it?”

“Totally; lots of stuff.”

“Did it make a sound when it hit?”

“It only hit on the sides. I told you, there’s no bottom; that’s what makes it bottomless.”

“It has to have a bottom. Something to hold it up.”

“Nothing holds it up!”

“Well then it would only float there.”

“You’re stupid. It’s not floating there because it’s in the Earth. The Earth is holding it up.”

“...Did you hear that?”

“What?”

“About the spirits of the damned?”

“What?”

“It’s still hungry.”

“Wh-what?”

“Feed it more.”
04/27 Direct Link
Heaven-sent whisper of radiant knowledge that transcends something of the ethereal in its transmissive force, withal it breaks a code tumbled aeons from tooth to iron tooth in their fulsome urge to hold, to keep; and in polyphonic mayhem that no troubadour of flesh can chest but that all must feel in aspirant glee: now skirl, inexplicably freed, and thereby spills secrets! O secrets of commerce and rhapsody and mercurial plottings that would give Zeus pause, had he survived and been made manifest by acolytes. And propitiously that suggestion scuds across the mind-sea and reaches shore: "Only wake."
04/28 Direct Link
“THIS CLASS could not bite worse.”

“I know.”

“Mr. Snyder’s an ass. I hate him.”

“I know.”

“I hate this whole school. I hate having to do homework. I hate that they give you tests. I hate that my locker has to be all the way by the creepy janitor’s room so whenever I go there to get my books or whatever I wind up smelling like bleach for the rest of my life. This school is disgusting.”

“You should trade lockers.”

“With who? Who wants a locker by the janitor’s room?”

“I don’t know. Someone.”

“God. My life sucks.”
04/29 Direct Link
“DAD, YOU know what? My Meteo L-Drago has spin-steal and doesn’t have any balance issues so it even kills Earth Eagle, which is what Gavin has. Well, Gavin has a lot but that’s like his favorite.”

“Caleb, you know what? If a 20-acre field yields 840 lb. of seed cotton per acre, and this cotton when ginned yields 40% lint, what would the seed be worth at 90¢ per hundred and the cotton at $54 per bale of 500 lb. each, the weight of the bale including 20 lb. for bagging and ties?”

“Huh?”

“Schooled.”
04/30 Direct Link
“YOU’RE Vance?”

“I am.”

“Sit. Please.”

“Thanks.”

“Comfortable?”

“Sure.”

“Let me ask you, Mr. Vance: Are you happy working for us?”

“Yeah, it’s OK.”

“You’re happy?”

“It’s an OK job.”

“Mr. Vance, I’m a specific-minded person. I like being very clear. With myself, with others. I value that.”

“OK.”

“Are you happy working for us?”

“Well, like I already told you.”

“What did you already tell me?”

“I got no major complaints.”

“So you have complaints, albeit minor ones?”

“Everybody’s got something. So, uh, sure. Minor, what you said.”

“Mr. Vance, I am looking for a successor.”

“A what?”