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Let's meal on morning tongue
and consume wild skin for the day
we'll let love build the evening and tell secrets in the dark
we'll burn the minutes like liquid
and watch the smoke ascend into the hovering stars
We'll share the blanket of night
and place the avenues of people back onto the shelves of the world
I'll shatter my dreambottle and share my muses with you
and we'll wake up to find breakfast in bed.
There is so much anticipation this week. I even look forwards to my dreams at night. This new boyfriend thing is sending me head-over-heels. Inspiration, Creativity... I am going to the Finch and The Used concert on February 10th, 8 days away. But me and Louds are keeping it on the downlo. Starting a fresh semester tomorrow... World Literature, Modern Western History, Drama and Music and Philosophy. I love everything about this semester. I try not to let my schooling interfere with my education.
The rain is coming down hard. I can see it on the silvery streets. Like sheet metal, only slowly taking form. The raindrops are like secrets. Hitting the tress and windows … it will change our life forever. Are we worthy of the secrets so soon? It was snowing last week. The snow was like a blanket over the dead world. A comforting barrier between the old world and the new. April is the cruelest month (says T.S Eliot). Why must we be shaken early? The crispness of the air cuts, pierces our lips, like a jackknife to a swan.
hope is a whore she fucks all of the other emotions and never calls the next day oh, she'll show you a good time... then grab her knickers from the bedpost her pantyhose from the lampshade fifty bucks from the top of your dresser then she's gone and you feel even more empty than you did before you met her while having a drink down there she seemed a nice emotion seemed harmless seemed a good idea then but after the anticipation, the aspiration the optimism, the orgasmic lifting of spirit Hope dashed to the bathroom to wipe up then left i think i could live happily in a world without Hope but then i'd have to deal with Faith and Dreams and they're even bigger sluts
The tightness radiates down through my shoulders and up through my forehead. I lost all semblance of sense early in the night. It was one of those moments that built on itself, until suddenly I was no longer quite myself. That perilous moment, when you decide to have just one more. It makes you think ridiculous things, which is not necessarily a bad thing so long as you can keep your mouth shut and keep ridiculous thoughts as only thoughts. In the morning you’ll wake up and be left with nothing but the ache in your head like a bruise.
There is a crazy irony in my life.. how people say that you never get over your first love. Well.. what if i am together WITH my first love. Hes always going to be with me. We talk of getting married. The reason of our togetherness is simply because we waited for the best time to start this relationship thing. I feel so safe with him. I feel like my heart will never be broken any more. I never felt this way before. All my other boyfriends lay down egg-shells on the ground i walked on. I was usually the heartbreaker.
There are walking contradictions in life that fascinate me to the core. People who never gave me a second look become kind and almost similar to me now that I have acquired girlfriend-status. I feel comfortable. Maybe I’m overestimating myself in my current relationship.. But trust has to lie somewhere between Faith and Hope. I am passionate to extremes and people quickly learn not to betray me. –Not because I am hostile, or violent once the betrayal has occurred, but because I am just as sweet and kind and elegantly pleasurable after the incident has passed. We wonder who wins.
i guess all i want
is for you to stay w/ me
cause you see
i adore you.
on every word you say.
every word that slips
off your lips
just as long as i could hang on you
but i sometimes wonder what it would be like
to no longer
no longer need your affection
to help me make it through
and i wonder--
if you would all of a sudden need me
when i didn't need to breathe in everything you do.
to no longer want to be sewn into you.
I am so tired. Rehearsal for mmmy youth group passion play was FIVE hours!!!!!! today. I am so creatively drained. I feel as scattered as marbles on a wooden floor. Why can't everyone just undrestand that I HAVE the directing experience..... NOT THEM. The world would be so much simpler. But I had a good laugh. And IM going to see FINCH and THE USED tomorrow night, not them! ahaha ahaha. I am so esited. Its Me, Louds, her cousins MEliss, her friends Courtney, Michelle, Jen and Chris. Wow.
We waited in line until our nipples fell off. Icy. Frozen. Hormones. We got inside and like sardines, made sure we bought the essential merchandise and used the luxury of Coat Check. Bastards almost lost my poster. (It was in my coat sleeve.) Chemical Romance, Move Life; Opening bands. Explosive sound. Circle Pit. 2 bruises. FINCH- lifted and tosseed around during favourite song - 4 bruises. brusied rib. 15 inches away from leaad singer. priceless. THE USED. Mosh Pit. Helped a guy up from the ground. Thought he was my friend for a couple more songs ;). Explosive sound. Fave song named after the color of my bruises. Partially deaf-lost voice. Extention on drama assignment. classic.
Theres a song about a boy in pain. A boy who stands alone in a crowd. Where nobody knows his name and streets look unfamilliar. It is a story where hearts come pre-packaged broken and life is simply a journey to find the right carpenter to fix it. No cracks, no leaks, no exceptions. The pieces have to fit. The boy questions whether he should stop searching for the repair woman. How many times must he fail? There is too far a walk ahead. Might as well quit while you're behind. The rainbow stops at the first cloud. No more risk getting wet.
The bruises are slowly making their appearance from all the fun of the Monday Night Rock Show. I went to my yoga class last night in hopes that the stretches will help release the tension where i was bruised. I was partially right. Today was my school swim team's championship swim meet. This team is like my baby, i organized it and ran it. I was the captain. We were so successful. I came in first place in all my races despite my bruises.. I feel like an energized plum. There is so much to say. But very little space.
He is stressed, and confused. I am convinced he has reached his existential moment, ready to throw away everything he has accomplished.. everything he is... for rebellion. I loved him before we were together, i continue to love him in his time of need. Change is essential, we built our world we created to adapt to change. The promises don't matter.. only the connection. I was so stressed today, and worried and scared of this.. that i vomited my lunch. I’m not myself and I fear i will never be myself if this happens. I can't say it. I can't.
As I'm sitting here wondering where you're mind is, I can't help thinking where mine is as well. I have been moving through my life like motions. nothing but motions. I can't feel happiness.. well i can't feel true happiness. I have been exposed. I feel naked without you. I can't get hold of you or hear your voice. I just want to be held. I want to cry on a shoulder.. sob openly, find strength in sadness. I can't believe this is happening. Where is our connection, you're not gone, just away. Kept away until you find piece of mind.
I really do not have the 100 words to say today. I haven't really verbally spoken 100 words in the past week combined. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I am just crazy. Is this the human condition? Extreme highs and extreme lows? Am I being selfish? What has the world come to. I rely on my faith in times like these. But it deals with a person who is not so much faith-oriented. I will not compromise my beliefs. I am the same individual. Just a little lonlier. The little glass box
That holds up my crumpled life.
I dropped it as I
Fell flat on the ground again.
And when I got up,
I guess I lost the little piece
That was you.
Because I cant see you anymore
And im afraid of not
Finding your little piece
To lock in here again
In my little glass box.
Where you belong.
Friendship can only make people stronger. Stronger in love, stronger in trust. When friends betray you, and mock you and use you... there is nothing greater one can do but to thank God that these people do not know what it is like to go through your experience. You Thank God for your knowledge and faith in yourself. And you pray for the people that hurt you. Friendship can also teach you patience. The good friendships last a lifetime and to endure a lifetime of surprises takes patience. It is certainly a virtue.
That strange feeling that you get only rarely. A feeling of comfort. A homley, welcome feeling. Some people you meet just give you that feeling as soon as you meet them. Its not anything in particular. Not the way they speak, nor the way the act. Just a simple, but indescribable feeling. A good feeling none the less. Its the same thing with everything interpersonal I guess. Some things feel fine, other's feel perfect. There are those who just don't sit 'quite right' The trick is finding the ones that you are comfortable with, and they are comfortable with you.
Constant pressure builds Blocks that are too heavy to slip around. Makes mole hills of bean counters dreams by substituting imagined paradise for real life experience which slips by constantly. like sand on the move running backwards at speed through endless timepieces of glass darkly. Constantly caught gazing at the mirror With soft remembrances of how it might have been. Drenched in a curvy helter skelter of warm nostalgia At all the possibilities that might have been Once. Possible. But now are gone as surely As freight trains at four in the morning. Departed Forever Into the dark black night.
Still spirits snores laughter. Growing through the twirling vines, living through pumping veins. Where do the birds fly when the horizon is bleak... where do dreams rejuvinate once they have been shattered? The blatant winds Stir noisily in the heat of September. Rainfall has yet kissed the Parched gray sky. The dry earth is Chapped, crumbling Thirsty. Like the tempting Mirage On the desert sun. falling together apart or depth awareness oblivion or their cleft listening unseeking or else I’m deaf I hear the voice of God deep sleep uninterrupted bursting surrendering escaping dissolving apart awashing the numbness of loss, the loss of numbness
Lighten Up. Take in some fresh air and sunlight. Dream of Harmony. Face Challenges eagerly. Look through the eyes of appreciation. Relish Adventure. Forgive your parents and cut yourself some slack. Make someone happy. Work for peace. Never be Disheartened. Re-invent. Reach. Risk. Refuse, resist and re-use. Make a wish. Send little gifts in the mail. Accept Love. Walk the dog. Be silly. Do not wait for a better world. Dance with the stars. Let go. Expect the best. Know the difficulties in your life are purposeful. Practise random acts of kindness. Find Calm and go there daily. Breathe Deeply.
It's rather ironic that me, Miss Catholic... is knee deep in research on Witches and Witchcraft and paganism of the Luthran times. No, I am not converting. Nor am I giving up on my faith. I am an active drama student.. i have the artistic and creative energy in me to become something that I am not. In this case, I am completely transforming myself... two of my major projects this year is on witchcraft. And one will be showcased publicly... however that one has a moral theme to it and does, in fact mention my God. My savior.. My hero. I hope I am not preaching. I tend to do that when I speak.
As a swimming instructor, I have had the time to observe many frightened boys and girls on their very first day of swimming lessons. It is also a fact that some arrive fearless and with an unshakable will power beyond my reach. Taking into account my own experience and what I can remember from my first day at the pool, and the ones I have observed and dealt with during my time as an instructor, I felt this book would be an appropriate attribute to my personal history. I was a screamer. It is common among young ones to screa
I have taught children who have never been exposed to water before; most of the time, they do not know what to expect and do not know what their capabilities are. Regardless, they have high hopes. It is always important to be kind and gentle when saying no, or disciplining them after they have done something wrong. The character of the girl with the ponytail is somewhat like the character of the Man in the Yellow Hat in the Curious George series written by Margaret Rey. The character is a role model to the first-time swimmers but very independent,
Isn’t it weird how one minute the world seems to be spinning under your direction, and you are all set to conquer the universe, but the next minute the world seems to fall out from under your feet and leave you hanging by a thread of sanity threatening to give way? That’s how I felt earlier. But then, out of nowhere, the world seemed to sail back under my feet and give me back my feeling of controlling the world and everything in it. I was back in power and unstoppable once again. Funny how those things happen, isn’t it.
eight. seven. six. five. four. three. two. one. The starry night.
Watches over me.
With its eyes, it protects me.
From the violent silence.
And takes me into a .
The starry night .
Haunts me with its breathless sounds.
And flashing shadows.
That peer inside my room..
The starry night.
Is violent with its winds.
Yet gentle in its light.
It sets a glow so the world.
Can see the mystical beauty of its.
The starry night .
Is my friend .
And watches over me.
And teaches me.
The meaning of beauty .
Just keep breathing. That is the best advice I have heard lately. If I look out, passed the end of my nose, and see this quagmire that is my life, it wouldn't be much longer before I felt compelled to ventilate my skull. This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am left feeling rejected and with a shattered self confidence. This strikes deep in my heart. After the events of this passed week, I am not sure I will ever be the same. I am less positive and more guarded. So I just keep breathing.
Today i feel gross. I don't know what exactly it is, but i don't like it at all. I have a kink in my neck for sleeping on it wrong, my back feels like a cloth that's being rung out from the rain, and my eyes feel like teabags. Aside from all that, everyone i have been around today hasn't exactly given off positive vibes. Their auras are sour. bitter. negative. I can't tolerate those. I am the only person who keeps to themselves when their having a bad day. Heaven forbid I ruin someone elses day! I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. And here I am, crushed like a flower. Some people have their limits. I think I have reached mine. I need some time to recooperate.
I was wondering why they wouldn't let me start entering my batch for March. I was so sleepy last night that I didn't get to enter my 100words. Last night starting at 4pm I was asked to supervise a nine year old's birthday party at Dave and Busters. It was quite the 2 hours of fun. at least i got to play some games. Some girls ordered steak and fried shrimp.....lol Eyes are bigger than their mouths. Then when i got home around 7-ish I went trampolining with my friends and we stayed after hours. It was so much fun. Tonight i get to see a really sexy boy :)
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