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06/01 Direct Link
I sais to Bob, "I can't believe it, I've caught up on my writing. I finished last month's 100words, and I caught up on those longer stories I do, on the 31st of May." He was paying attention to something else. "What have you done?" "That's the end of my work," I continued, "in both my literary spheres. I'm all caught up!" Bob said, "But, um, wasn't that yesterday? It's the first of June. The first of June. And yesterday is yesterday. It seems to me that you haven't done anything today." Pause. "Drat!" And he said, "Goff Suenif, man."
06/02 Direct Link
John is going to the party. In order to get to the party, he has to traverse half the distance to the party. He may somewhere in that time hesitate. They don' like me!

To get from halfways between his initial position and the party to the party John must go half the distance of the distance between half the distance and the party. I can turn back, I can pass the place... he thinks.

To get from three-quarters the distance between his initial position and the party John must go halfways, and the anxiety deepens.

To get from seven-eighths
06/03 Direct Link
KNOW THYSELF

"I was straight with her. I told her, 'You know, if you do come back to this town, you have to give me warning. Don't just show up at work, because if you do I'll avoid you. I know myself. I'll go the other way. Because I hate surprises. Some more than others. If you see me avoiding you, you'll know why. I need to keep my relations orderly.'"

I was composing the above paragraph on my way to get coffee. At the shop I saw the redhaired girl. I pretended I didn't see her. I avoided her.

06/04 Direct Link
2007.06.01 Let me tell you about Mary

My Mary has said little about my writing. She's always known of it, and she's heard me read stuff.

We were walking along Bloor Street with Bob. I saw a poster for FUCKFACE. I said, "How can you say that to your grandmama? 'I'm working, sure, I'm in a band called FUCKFACE.'"

Mary said, "Oh, yeah, you. You got stories about eating twin babies."

I laughed, because she was right.

She checked out my tales about a half year ago; she phoned me; she said, "You're better than I thought you would be."
06/05 Direct Link
"Yah, I was in here, like, three nights ago, right? I was with a gang, an' we paid up, like, to the tune of a hundred fifty bucks. But then, then I ordered up another pint; an' then we, like, left, an' I think--actually I'm quite sure--I didn't pay for that last pint."

"Who was serving you?"

"He never mentioned his name. He looked a bit Greek, though."

"Everyone who works here is a bit Greek."

"Really?"

"Macedonian, pleased to meet you."

"And her?"

"Cretan."

"Girl behind the bar?"

"She got ties to Sparta. Don't fuck with her."
06/06 Direct Link
Should I do the laundry tonight, or should I do it tomorrow morning? Mary's off at a class tonight, but tomorrow I don't have to work until two in the afternoon. If I do it tonight, I can sleep in and mess around in the morning. If I do it tomorrow, then tonight maybe I can read some more of the Egyptian Book of the Dead. If I do the laundry tonight instead, then Mary can have some clean socks in the morning. But, if I do the laundry tomorrow morning, say, if I get up at eight, or let's
06/07 Direct Link
It's early June.

The women seem to be travelling the streets with relatively little on.

They've probably been doing it for three or four weeks now.

During the warmer days, anyway.

I must have been passing them all the time in the last month.

They must have passed me.

That must be the case.

And yet I haven't noticed.

Time was, not too long ago neither, I'd walk the spring streets in a state of elation, looking at all the exposed flesh, flesh, flesh!

I was almost priapic!

But now I barely notice them.

Thank goodness that madness is over!
06/08 Direct Link
Once, Mary and I were holidaying in Bala; and who should be in the next room but my first "girlfriend," Kim Wilson, who had been the prettiest girl in grade one?

When we happened to be alone, she attacked me. She wanted me so bad! We decided to say we were going to get beer but go into the woods together instead.

She went to tell her husband she was going to get some more beer. They started arguing. I heard him throw a lamp. I heard him scream, "You whore! Who's your piccolo this time? Who's your fucking piccolo???"
06/09 Direct Link
"THE JOB INTERVIEW"

-So, Candidate, what are your hobbies?

-Well, I dunno, tv watching, and video games. The video games cost a lot. Man!

-You spend a lot on video games?

-You bet! I dunno how gamers can afford it! I bought this game called Half-Life 2. I got killed, like, in the first five minutes! Bought another copy, zapped to death a bit later, just after meeting Barney! Third purchase, killed again!

-You can replay the game again and again.

-I can?

Silence.

-You are certainly the most stupid candidate we've seen.

Silence.

-And you're a crummy writer, too.
06/10 Direct Link
2007.06.10 ROY

My friend is named Roy. Roy said, "Write things that are 100 words long and send then to 100words."

At the beginning of May and then at the beginning of June, he emailed me an entry about his wife Mary, asking about my wife Mary. "Does she read what you've written?" he queried.

Now, he's appeared to stop writing for June. No more emails.

Why was that?

Have you seen him?

Where is he?

Must be somewhere!

Wait: there: I see him! He's playing gpokr, and he has 80,000 (fake) dollars!

Dear reader: Should I stage an intervention?
06/11 Direct Link
THE MORGENTALER EFFECT*

A certain Canadian television station is running a Facebook thingie that is aimed at young people. Anyone can either post, or vote, on a "wish" for Canada. Currently--and it's been this way for some time--the most supported wish is for the abolition of abortion. The television station--which supports abortion--is having kittens. They even did a news item. "It's not scientific," they noted (though their tune differ if they were in a key they liked). The subtext was, "What's wrong with these kids? Shouldn't society be becoming progressively more liberal?"

*Cf. The Roe Effect
06/12 Direct Link
O Lady Of Infinite Action
O Matron Of Razzamatazm
O Woman For Opposite Faction
O Goddess Of Involate Spasms
O King Of Cadmusian Jism
O Prince With A Price In The Millions
O God Of The Delicate Schism
O Sir In The Sky And The Prison
O Cat With Her Paws Asleep Twitching
O Dog Of The Day In The Autummn
O Sky That Is Hiding The Planet
O Stars Contradicting The Ocean
O Earth That Can Always Betray Us
O Seas Always Hungry For Water
O Us On Our Knees
pray for us
pray for us
pray for us
06/13 Direct Link
I was planning on doing a story about two performing sisters, Elaine and Yvonne Charpentier. Elaine one day has a premonition and asks Yvonne to have a child and name her Elaine. Elaine dies in a freak on-stage accident, and Yvonne miraculously finds herself pregnant. She has a daughter and calls her Elaine. This second Elaine may speak at birth, doesn't look at all like her aunt, or something of that sort.

But then I got an idea about a family communicating through letters and I dropped the story about The Charpentier Family except for two words in the title.
06/14 Direct Link
GUSTAV MAHLER AT THE WINDOW

He's heard his father mention war
But Gustav didn't understand the word
It sounded so adult and tall
A sound he wants to say he'd touched and heard

One afternoon a distant sound
Of feet in beats and whistles with a fife
Approaching from the country lane
A sound to use, a sound of death and life

And Gustav shoved the door and went
Outside; the colours and the sounds entwined;
The drums and dust were fighting
For supremacy; he heard behind a sigh

From mother's heart, remembering what
She'd seen, a girl, in 1842.
06/15 Direct Link
It happens every once in a while that my left ear gets blocked up, and I only have partial hearing. I'm sure you know what's that like. It's like you're underwater when you're walking down the street, and you hear your breathing like you're Dave Bowman in 2001. Everyone's gone through it at one time or another.

And you know what? It's not that I can't hear what other people say that's the most troubling thing. What's most troubling is that I can't properly hear myself; and hearing myself, as you know my dear friends, is my bread and butter.
06/16 Direct Link
I remember the day Jim came in to work and said to us all, "Notice anything different?"

We all shrugged.

"The haircut!" he said. "The haircut!"

Bob said, "I don't notice any difference."

Jim said, "Aw, c'mon! It was really expensive!"

I said, "I think you got rooked somehow."

"But, it cost me six million dollars!"

Bill said, "What are you up to, Jim?"

"The haircut! The hair! It's totally different! C'mon!"

We shook our heads.

A couple weeks later, we found out that he hadn't gotten a haircut after all. Rather, he'd been replaced by a slightly confused robot.
06/17 Direct Link
"Jesus Christ that was fuckin' painful! Like my head had just passed through a fuckin' vice! Shit! Okay, doc, pull me the fuck outta this fuckin' cunt! I don't give a shit, get out your fuckin' forceps, yank me out! Hi, Dad! Lookin' good! Whatcha starin' at, motherfucker? Geddit? Geddit? Ah, there's no room tougher 'n a delivery room to deliver to! Yoo-hoo, doc, I'm gettin' fuckin' born here, pull me the rest of the way out! Maybe you'll get a tip, prick! Jesus, look at the size of that clit! It's bigger than my fuckin' brain! Wah! Wah! Wah!"
06/18 Direct Link
I can't, I dunno what's wrong with me. There's a certain common phenomenon, but I can't express my experience of it, or them. There they are, making and unmaking, always; but how can I say they are, or they aren't? Years ago on my brother's porch I saw them come and go, come and go. They didn't care.

I feel bad because I've never talked about them, never written about them. But they're there, above all I do. They have to do with what I do, but I've never even thanked them!

They're there, but not a word of thankyou!
06/19 Direct Link
In the middle of the poker game Maury and me went out for a smoke. He pointed out Jupiter, I think. Then he started in on a long discourse

(Maury boasts about having corrected 15,000 wikipedia entries)

about a lecture he might have almost seen. What I got from him was the idea that there was life on earth before our present germ. Over the course of a million years, earth brought forth life; and it died. It brought forth life again; and it died. Finally, it took.

Meantimes I was thinking, 200 million sperm a day! 200 milion sperm!
06/20 Direct Link
Well

For a longtemps, I have known these twin girls, Jean and Joan. They are David's friends. They are identical twins.

And I've been afraid of them. Both are quite beautiful blondes, and beauty is frightening.

So anyway (as...), last night, for the first time, I had a conversation with one of them. It was a decent and even conversation....

But I saw, too, beyond the Adirondack chairs in which Jean (or Joan) and myself were sitting, Joan (or Jean) staring at me.

I am in their mental spaces. But which sister loves me more?

Please, Miss Prettypants, tell me.
06/21 Direct Link
I saw him come in but I didn't see him sit down, as it turned out, in my section. It had been a long time.

I went over and leaned over and said, "Hello, you."

He said, "Oh. Hello."

Had he forgotten me? Or was he just shy? Maybe he was still embarrassed by what had happened. I said, "What can I getcha?"

He ordered something to drink but I didn't hear him. My mind was elsewhere. That doesn't happen often.

I was at the bar before I realized I'd forgotten what he'd ordered. He used to like dark beer.
06/22 Direct Link
Daniel Libeskind had the notion that he'd finally run out of original ideas. He was blank, and he had to make a presentation for a new hundred million dollar condominium building.

He picked out his favourite dark square glasses and drove downtown. What will I do? What will I say?

He looked around his boardroom of sub-architects. They all looked a bit pissed off, in true architect style. Silently he climbed up on the table, dropped his pants, and did business.

"Build this."

It turned out to be a magnificent building and he was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature.
06/23 Direct Link
SO SAID THE WISE ASTRONOMER

What's up ... with this weather? Someone said it busted 35 degrees today, and 45 with the humidex! (Though what window cleaner has to do with it is beyond me....) But you know, it's not the heat, it's the humidity. Which reminds me: When it's humid, how come the juices get sucked out of you rather than shoved in? Anyone here familiar with osmosis? Yeah, you know what I'm saying. All that high water pressure should be shoving moisture into our skin, not pulling it out! You know what I'm saying?

It's a crazy world!
06/24 Direct Link
It was 8:59 a.m. The Boss wasn't at her workstation yet. I knew this because her computers weren't switched on. I powered mine up.

9:06. I checked my email. She was late, and I was on time. I noticed I was grinning in amazement.

9:11. Okay, this is getting a bit silly. If the Boss can't be bothered to show up on time, why should I?

9:18. How dare she! How dare she?

9:22. She comes in. "Sorry I'm so late."

And I said, "Oh, are you late? I just got here myself."

Why do I always lie like this?
06/25 Direct Link
HEY KIDS! LET'S START A SENTENCE WITH A CONJUNCTION!

After all the naps (although we well and good tried not to do so so often), because of the abundance of dreams (but not all recalled), even though we wrote them for money if anyone would give us some (nor did we poo-poo the chances for "favours" or "rainchecks"), so that we knew we were in correspondence when our dreams overlapped while we were scribbling away, we created a dictionary of all our dreams for use in determining their correlations (yet we were never sure if his "duck" matched her "duck").
06/26 Direct Link
Try as I might, I just can't keep all these women I meet at work differentiated! (It's a large place, you see, with something of a thousand employees.) And it's not that they all look or sound alike or anything; they're all quite distinct in their appearances and voices. There's Alison, there's Jacqueline, there's the two Alices, there's Liz, there's Silvia, and there's Sheila, and there's the other Jacqueline, and then there's Lee, and none of them look like any other of them. But it's... it's just that they all look at me with the same oogly moogly googly eyes!
06/27 Direct Link
Senator Edward Kennedy - June 29, 2007

In challenging times, the issue of civil rights, abolishing discrimination against women, the discrimination that was out there with regards to the disabled, the battle against slavery, we have seen how the United States eventually has moved forward on these issues, and we will do so on this immigration reform, make no mistake about it.... What’s that? It was the Republicans who eradicated slavery? Well, where did we Democrats stand? Ah, we were in favour of it. Ah. Ah. Ladies and gentlemen, please strike from the, ah, record, ah, my remark about slavery.
06/28 Direct Link
CELIBACY: DAY ONE

I was out with the gang from work tonight and Bob got onto the topic of libido. "It's exactly analogous to the instinct of hunger."

I said, "Wait, not quite. I mean, you can die if you don't have food. You don't die if you don't have sex."

"Sure, but it's something you can't, can't, resist."

"Of course you can! I bet you I can be celibate for a year. If I fail, I've give you a dollar for every day between now and my failure. If I succeed, you give me $365."

"...It's a deal."

"Deal!"
06/29 Direct Link
CELIBACY: DAY TWO

Mary and I met at a restaurant. She'd had the day off, and she'd gone to Hamilton for the day, on a lark.

She'd gotten hungry and saw a place called Maxim's. There was something odd about it, so she went next door instead.

"Maxim's? That sounds like a strip club!"

She shrugged.

I went outside for a cigarette.

A cute girl on a bike swerved around me, hit a bench, and fell off. I helped her up and put her chain back on. She said, "Do you want some action?"

I demurred.

Man, this is hard!!!
06/30 Direct Link
APPENDIX STOLEN JOKE: "Eat your pussy? Tipper, I went to Harvard."

I hear there's a bar in Alberta called "Cowboys." Apparently it offers all its female waitstaff free breast implants. Doncha think it should be called "Cowgirls" instead?

"Women, you know, very much improve around 30. They're losing their looks, and their childish vanities, too."

I can't stand the way men look at girls. I've seen it.

In my parents' kitchen she comes to me naked. I take her in my arms....
In my parent's kitchen???

"Darling, I adore your writings!" said Mrs Demontmartre to me. "They're so marvellously penetrable!"