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05/01 Direct Link
Mary and I were up at the inn, and Tony stopped by on our last night there We were all rather festive. I went down the hall to the bathroom. Mary, in her room, said, "You've got some underwear in here." After I was done in the washroom, I went back down the hall, again past Mary's room. The door was now closed. I heard their voices. I knocked. Mary opened the door. She was putting her shirt on. "Oh, great!" I cried; and at that moment I decided not to listen to reason for the rest of the night.
05/02 Direct Link
MURDERING THE RACCOONS IN MY CHIMNEY. TWO TRUE-LIFE FANTASIES

I have a one litre bottle of muriatic acid I've barely used. I climb onto the roof and pour it down freely, listening in delight to the screams of the little bastards as they burn.

One of them manages to dig a hole through the brick. Its little paw is sticking out. I take a slash at it with a big sharp knife. It recoils, then sticks its nose out the hole. I stab it full through the head and brain. Then I pump a pound of paprika into the hole.
05/03 Direct Link
CUDDLE PARTY

What they say on the invitational poster:

PLEASE COME TO OUR FIRST ANNUAL TRINITY BELLWOODS PARK CUDDLE PARTY! A CELEBRATION OF UNIVERSAL LOVE AND PEACE! IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SIXTIES, A CHANCE TO CONNECT TO OTHER PEOPLE IN A PEACEFUL AND NON-JUDGEMENTAL WAY! BRING YOUR FA-VOR-ITE PEEJAYS! BRING YOUR TEDDY BEARS AND COLORFUL PILLOWS! ALL NITE LONG, IN TRINITY BELLWOODS PARK! LOVE LOVE LOVE! LET'S BREAK ON THROUGH TO A WORLD WITHOUT WAR OR PREJUDICE! MAY FOURTH TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN! COME ONE COME ALL!

What they say when you get there:

"Ewww! You're fat! And old!!"
05/04 Direct Link
COMPUTWOFER

My co-worker is usually depressed. Not only through what he says can I tell this, but also through his posture.

Today he was a ball of fire. Had to show me a YouTube thing. This continued through the day.

I miss my old, unmedicated, co-worker!

***

The rather lithesome, modishly attractive, obviously young and decidedly female female with the fashionable spectacles, patterned skirt, BlackBerry and beeper, asked me, "Do you use Facebook?"

I said, "No, I use notebook."

"Notebook? What's Notebook?"

I pulled this notebook from my coat pocket and showed it.

"Ooh! Cool!" she purred with a hair-toss.
05/05 Direct Link
In the mood for a little game, I decided to try this pick-up-trick I seen other guys do. I went to a major intersection and looked like I was lost. A nice piece was waiting to cross. I asked her where Bathurst was. She told me, and I told her a woeful tale of loneliness. To make a long story short, to her place we went.

It was a swell romp, real swell, but it can't go on because I can never have her over to my place. You see, I did something real dumb. Like, I live on Bathurst.
05/06 Direct Link
"I'm jealous of you."

Sounds simple; but it can mean two things.

"I want you all to myself, I don't want anyone else to have anything of yours."

"I want what you have, I don't want anything anybody else has."

In the most intimate connexions, both meanings are present; but in other situations, there's one or the other meaning:

"I'll kill him for the way he looked at you. He drank your blood with his eyes. I'm jealous;"

"Look at Jimmy's chick! I'm jealous!"

In different situations, it means you want all of your own or part of someone else's.
05/07 Direct Link
"Meet me at Duffy's, pronto. Don't tell a soul."

I hung up. Don't tell a soul. He thought he had to tell me that? We're about to rob the Big Guy, and I'm going to tell anyone?

I headed out. Of course I know this is a secret. We don't even use our proper names on the phone. I call him, 'Richard,' and he calls me, 'Henry.'

Someone calls my name. It's David. We walk for a bit. He asks me, "So, where you heading?"

David's my friend. "I'm off to Duffy's to meet Mike."

So much for clandestine meetings.
05/08 Direct Link
A-, married, with children, noticed some of my origami critters lying around the circulation desk. "These were all made out of a single piece of paper?" Then came the perennial question. "How long did this one take to do?"

Then he shrugged and said, "Well, sure, you've got the time to do things like this."

A couple days later I was in his office. He had some pictures on his desk. "Is that your wife?" He nodded. "Legally married and everything?" Church wedding. "These pictures, these are your kids?"

Then I shrugged and said, "Well, sure, you've got the time."
05/09 Direct Link
FROM SWANK'S CARTOON SERIES, PORNSTAR 'VENTURES

1. Mitchell and Chuck are lounging on a couch. There's a poster for the film WET AND WILD VIII on the wall behind. They're smoking cigarettes. Mitchell is saying, "Oh man, was that an amazing bukkake on Krystal or what? Boy, she was like inches thick with the stuff! I never thought I'd see the day when it would be done in North America!"

2. Mitchell and Chuck smoke.

3. Chuck is saying, "I liked it when our dicks touched." Mitchell's eyes are bugged out and the cigarette is falling out of his mouth.
05/10 Direct Link


"What's it all about, you asking me? A big bundle of eccentricities one day decided to eccentrically explode and left. Then time past for a past-time, and then Jesus was born, or someone with that name. You ever heard of the bimetal problem? Well, it's related, but never mind. So when I was small and when everything else was really big. If we could only just shrink, almost to nobody, then psychotherapy wouldn't cost a hundred an hour. You know, do unto others as you'd have them do unto you know what I'm saying," he said, and lit another cigarette.
05/11 Direct Link
THE LOSER

It was the final test of the Oshawan braves.

We divided into two opposing groups.

Our venerable chief said, "Today is the day of sacrifice and of victory. This is the final test before your graduation. You must fight, showing teamwork and bravery, and KILL a member of the team opposite. You will see blood, much blood, but we as a nation might any day have to face the Whitbans or, even worse, the Newmarketan braves. Be merciless, be fierce, and spill blood!"

I turned to my teammate to my left and sunk my tomahawk in his heart.
05/12 Direct Link
THE SEVEN WONDERS OF HAVELOCK STREET

1. The 241 Pizza at Bloor. 241!

2. There's a Catholic high school. It's the place to vote, in all municipal, provincial, and federal elections!

3. Dufferin Grove Park. There's a soccer field, an ice rink, a playground for the kids, and even a wood oven!

4. There's a house that had a teen party I crashed last year when I was totally drunk. I recall it sheepishly.

5. The Sylvan-Havelock Apartments. 100 years young!

6. The raccoons in my chimney.

7. There's an apartment building full of lesbians down at the corner. Lesbians!
05/13 Direct Link
Stingray Johnnie and Stingray Jane
A couple crazy kids living out on the plains
Would fuss and fight by day and night
Then kiss and love in the pretty pretty morning
They always did things folks shrugged to explain
Did Stingray Johnnie and Stingray Jane

Scrap and throw and hit and kiss kiss kiss

Look, it's the morning, but no loving is heard
Seems no honeypot's getting stirred
There's a body on the floor 'cause they went too far
Last night's ruckus brought no pretty pretty morning
No pretty mornings will ever come again
'Cause Stingray Johnnie shot Stingray Jane
05/14 Direct Link
MY ESTATE

My estate, my apartment, my home, my walls, my paint, my wainscoting, my woman, my wife, my love, my rooms, my hallway, my bedroom, my livingroom, my kitchen, my bathroom, my doors, my locks, my books, my lps, my cds, my cassettes, my dvds, my bookcases, my cd cases, my tables, my chairs, my couch, my television, my vcr, my lamps, my sink, my telephone, my staircase, my basement, my cpu, my monitor, my hard drive, my wireless internet, my websites.

My guard my cat, who was so terrified of last night's fireworks that she threw up twice.
05/15 Direct Link
Now give me that old time depression
Give me that old time depression
Gimme that old time depression
And it's good enough for me

It was good for me last year
'Twas good for me last year
Good for me last year
And it's good for me today

Now give me that old time depression
Gimme that old time depression
That old time depression
'Cause it's very good for me

It was good for me in oh one
It was good for me in oh one
'Twas good for me in oh one
And it's good for me right now
05/16 Direct Link
I opened the door to the dentist's waiting room. An older woman was sitting there. I went in and sat down and opened a book. I glanced past it, and I saw there was a penny on the carpet.

A few minutes later, the woman leaned down. "A lucky penny," she said. "Do you want it?"

"No thanks."

She scooped it up. "They're good luck. Lucky penny."

Where was the dentist?

"You'd have to fight me for it now," she muttered.

I threw her the evil eye and instantly negated her luck.

The receptionist came. "Come in, Mrs. Jones."

Drat!
05/17 Direct Link
There are two teams.

Each member of Team A is competing against the other members of Team A. A Credits are randomly distributed among the A players.

Each member of Team B is competing against the other members of Team B. B Credits are randomly distributed among the B players.

Credits can be traded only with members of one's own Team.

The object of the game is to form a partnership with the wealthiest member of the opposite Team.

Partnerships can be dissolved unilaterally at any time.

The partnership with the most combined credits wins the game.

Deceit is encouraged.
05/18 Direct Link
Oh my God, what was that look? What was that weird look?

What's the meaning of this email about my vacation dates? She says, "It's fine with us." No struggle?

I'm going to be fired, I know it. Tomorrow, Friday, I'll get called into an office, I'll be told I've been terminated, I'll surrender my ID, I'll be escorted out of the building!!!

Oh, wait. Wait wait wait. I've been scheduled to work holday Monday, at seven in the morning. Well, they can't be planning on firing me if they've scheduled me for holiday Monday, now can they?

La-la-la, connect-the-dots....
05/19 Direct Link
"Hey, I got somethin' you could use."

"What?"

"Well, didja know that on the ninth Bush put into effect an executive order [NATIONAL SECURITY PRESIDENTIAL DIRECTIVE-51 - ed.] pretty much giving himself dictatorial powers?"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, in the event of a so-called national emergency, he can do pretty much whatever the fuck he wants!"

"What's your source?"

"I read about it online, and I heard this radio thing last night. The mainstream media ain't covering it!"

"Yeah, no-one's brave enough."

"Gotta go online to find the truth!"

God, I love where I work! You couldn't make this stuff up!
05/20 Direct Link
I was lying on the couch yesterday afternoon. A breeze was blowing in through the window. I remembered being a child, on a spring afternoon, lying in bed, feeling a similar breeze.

Then I realized my uncle was going to die; not especially soon or anything, but sometime. I imagined seeing him dead. I imagined missing him.

Who would die first? Me or Mary? If it turned out to be her, Iíd have to somehow get her body back to Nova Scotia. Thatís a huge responsibility.

And to think: I donít even have the energy to find my bike pump.
05/21 Direct Link
WHY PEOPLE ALWAYS SEEM STUPIDER THAN YESTERDAY

An individual's wisdom grows with age.

Meanwhile, in society, those who have attained the greatest amount of wisdom--the eldest--die, and they are replaced by the people with the least wisdom: babies.

Picture a graph comparing the individual's wisdom with the average amount of wisdom of society. The individual starts at zero, and slowly rises along the x-axis. Society's wisdom starts near the middle, and stays mostly static. The growth of individual wisdom is much greater than the growth of societal wisdom.

The individual gets wiser more quickly than society does.

QED.
05/22 Direct Link
"Hi, could I speak to Mr or Mrs MacDonell?"

"Neither are home."

"Then could I speak to the man or lady of the house?"

"Alright, what is it?"

"I'm calling to offer you a great discount on three months of the Toronto Star."

"You might as well stop there. My wife and I are committing mutual suicide tomorrow."

"It's a great deal-"

"We'd just cancel it tomorrow. We've given away the cat. We've given up the apartment. The new tenants will find our rotting corpses on Friday. There was no other way."

"Well...

"Um...

"How about just the Saturday edition?"
05/23 Direct Link
A NOVEL

And Mary once asked me why contemporary novels always had the words, "A Novel," written on the cover

and there are tons of women running around with the name Juliet, but almost no men with the name Romeo

and we're taking my parents out to meet her parents at the end of July, but we're not sure if that will work

because the black train is coming, and our business ain't right

and the New York Times Book Review always has somewhere in the subtitle of their novel reviews the word 'novel....'

And that train may come tonight.
05/24 Direct Link
I'm hearing now Changes by Phil Ochs. Years ago one morning I was sitting with Cheryl Lancastle in the kitchen at 974 Dovercourt and I was playing the LP of Phil Ochs, the double record. Then as we're listening to it, to Changes, Cheryl starts to cry. I was in love with her, but I only kissed her once. (I loved her, but she had a boyfriend, blahblahblah.) She cried there with me in the kitchen, both distraught. She went away. Linda came downstairs and asked, concerned (love you, Linda!), why did she cry? and I said, I don't know.
05/25 Direct Link
Seeing tonight once again Some Like It Hot, I was reminded of this story:

My father's mother lived in Montreal in the '20s. In the busy lobby of a downtown hotel she was waiting for the man who would become my grandfather. Then, she said, everyone left, and she was alone in the lobby. A group of men came in and went straight to the elevator and up. My soon-to-be grandfather came in shortly afterwards. "Do you know who that was?" he asked. "No," said the woman who was to become my grandmother. Her fiancť said, "That was Al Capone."
05/26 Direct Link
HANDGUN IN WEST END BAR FRACAS

Late kast night, a handgun walked into a bar on Roncesvalles Avenue and asked the bartender for a Colt 45.

The bartender, Phineas Powd, replied by stating they didn't serve Colt 45s.

At that point, waitresses say, the handgun picked up the customer next to him and threw him at the bartender. The handgun subsequently fled.

During a press conference, Mayor David Miller said, "Frankly, I think it's a disgrace. There are far too many people walking around freely on the street, every last one of them a potential projectile. Action must be taken."
05/27 Direct Link
Now that I am coming to the grey twilight of my life, now that I can recognize, yes, I am man, I am mortal, I carry the curse of all flesh deep within what remains of my mind and body and soul and heart, and then I won't be here; the end is coming quite soon.

And, in the interests of future generations, I have decided to leave a detailed record of my life; that's right, an autobiography. I only hope I have time to complete it to the satisfaction of all.

I was born in 1965 in a sno
05/28 Direct Link
SYMPATHY

There's someone I know, she's very confident and capable, she's perhaps too interested in real estate but I know that's a sickness of the times, and overall she's quite okay. But I have absolutely nothing to ever say to her, and I think it's because I have no sympathy for her. If only I found some flaw with her, some problem, then I could treat her decently. If she'd had some miscarriages or abortions I could take an interest, but how can I ask a question like that? Maybe I could tell her all about this flaw of mine....
05/29 Direct Link
He said,

"I don't know what got into me. During a little office booze-up, far from the office, at the Duke of Cavendish, I started talking to her. I turned it on, I was charming. She responded, she was charmed. Wickedly, I had no intentions whatsoever, and I left abruptly.

"From then on, I was embarrassed to talk to her.

"About two years later, she married one of our mutual co-workers.

"Tonight, there's another event, and I've not been invited. A kind of a belated wedding reception.

"It's taking place where they first met one another.

"The Duke of Cavendish."
05/30 Direct Link
Because my wife and I are organizing an upcoming trip involving my parents, we have been communicating regularly via email. This communication has naturally devolved into communications entirely unrelated to the task at hand. Indeed, at times I have sent her notes such as, "Sounds lovely!!!" or, "Whatchoo uptoo 2nite?" And, aside from flight times and so on, I've gotten notes like, "Yum!" and "Oh baby!" In fact, a great deal of the correspondence sounds distinctly like the cavortings of two secret lovers passing cryptic notes in high school math.

I'm telling you, there's something distinctly distasteful in all this.
05/31 Direct Link
WHY MY ART IS BETTER THAN DAVID LYNCH'S

ME:

Mary and I were up at the inn, and Tony stopped by on our last night there We were all rather festive. I went down the hall to the bathroom. Mary, in her room, said, "You've got some underwear in here."

LYNCH:

Mary and I were up at the inn, and Tony stopped by on our last night there We were all rather festive. I went down the hall to the bathroom. (Shot of Laura Dern with a confused look.) Mary, in her room, said, "You've got some underwear in here."