REPORT A PROBLEM
My most precious possession was a Fabergé egg. It was a hand-me-down, but precious nonetheless. It was called the Thirteen Monograms. There was nothing I treasured more than that egg.
One day I decided to break it. I wanted a Fabergé egg that was all broken into pieces. I wanted to experience the melancholy of a broken egg.
So I knocked it out of its stand, and it rolled off the table. It hit the ground, and broke. But there were no pieces. It had turned into nothing, absolutely nothing, nothing to feel sad about.
I'd made a terrible mistake.
I told her I was irresponsible.
I told her I was selfish.
I told her I was unworthy.
I told her I was guilty.
I told her I was stupid.
I told her I was crazy.
I told her I was a drunk.
I told her I was vindictive.
I told her I was brain-damaged.
I told her I was an egoist.
I told her I was contrary.
I told her I was grudging.
I told her I was vengeful
Now she's mad that I'm an irresponsible, selfish, unworthy, guilty, stupid, crazy, drunken, vindictive, brain-damaged, egotistical, contrary, grudging, vengeful man!
Jim's parents divorced when he was seven. He lived with his mother and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend enjoyed beating Jim a lot.
Horrible acne. Crooked teeth.
A woman took an interest in him, and they got married. She was 'not faithful,' to say the least.
Jim just couldn't get a break.
He was chronically unemployed for decades, but drinking and drugs took the edge off his misery.
When he was fifty, after learning about his cancer, walking along the street, his hands stuffed in his pockets, he told a beggar to Fuck off! Fuck off!
And she said,
STINKY HIPPIE: Eat the rich!
ME: Eat the Poor!
STINKY HIPPIE: HUH?
ME: Consider the greater choice of food. Think of all you could have! You could eat Chinese, you could have Spanish rice, you could eat Creole gumbo, and French fries, and African crockpot, and Indian corn, and Yorkshire pudding, and Oriental flavoured soups, and Belgian beef stew, and Mexican shredded pork in Peruvian aji sauce, and Dutch fritters, and black bean soup, and Danishes topped with Russian creme fruit topping. But if you only diet on the rich, pretty much all you'll ever have is ... American cheese!
Ahead of me stood a couple. They were arguing. I could see his face, and my God, he looked to be from, like, one million BC. He hadn't much of a forehead, and his nose was upturned, and his skin was kind of ... greyish. As I said, they were arguing, but more precisely he was yelling at her about something she had done or said or both. I thought, Who would put up with such shit from a guy like that? I passed them and looked back and I saw the woman. Yup, you guessed it:
I've been progressively cutting down the amount I prepare to create these little sheds, the amount I take down in my little notebook to foliate into these follies. In November, I was down to four or five fine words. In December, I cut them down further, to four syllables. Now, in February, I've cut even more, and I'm down to a single letter or symbol to represent what I intend to create. Remember how I ripped off Kafa's top parable? That's what I'm doing here. Writing these frauds and tomfooleries keeps me from sending inappropriate emails to inappropriate people.
My darling, I'm sorry about all your pain
And I know I was mostly a creep
I know there was something not right with my brain
And I'm sorry I died in my sleep
It's peaceful out here with the angel and lyre
I'll never up beat you again
And never will I once more burn you with fire
Or pilfer your bags of cocaine
one, you see....
I'm pushing the daisies, I'm feeding the worms
I saw at my graveside you weep
Mourning the fact you'd been robbed of revenge
I died, nature-caused, in my sleep
WE ARE JOHN'S BIG TOES
We are John's big toes, and we are angry at him this evening. You see, there was a big snowstorm last night, and he didn't protect us properly from the cold and the frost. We are now steadily throbbing, and we think there might have been some cellular damage. Does he really think so badly of us? Thicker socks could have prevented this, but we guess
he just doesn't care
So hurt are we that not only have we learned the English language but we've also gotten together and learned how to type. And post.
In the store, all the electric toothbrushes looked the same. The shoplady said, "Take this one. It's guaranteed for fifteen years."
I thought, Where will I be in fifteen years? Will I be sharing this device with a woman, utilizing two of its four detachable heads? And what about the other two detachable heads? Is this a prophesy, in the form of detachable heads?
Instead, the three of us--my wife, my son, and I--have pretty much moved on to the Waterpik system. The electric toothbrush is pretty much the boy's. He likes to stick it up his ass.
A cold night that brought tears and flushed skin and made her smell extra nice, and the innertube was sped as if by the girly shrieks down the Inniskillin Conservation Area hill, until it became too much! too much! and the riders started falling off. Some held on, herself included, and she stood up, and her hat was all frosty, and flakes sparkled her lashes. Her shiny blue coat held her breasts like no coat at all, and she spoke through mist, "Let's go again. And again. I never want to stop."
Meanwhile I was sitting in the car, shivering.
TRICKS LEARNED NEW EVERY DAY
Is that the alarm, or is it just a dream?
How to tell the time to get up.
Which key closes what.
That person's name. You knew it last week, but you don't know it now.
How to tell the time for lunch.
This door goes that way.
Have I forgotten anything?
Which way is quicker? What subway, what streetcar?
How long has it been since I got really drunk? Saturday? Sunday?
How to reconstruct a teenage dream as you fall asleep even though you know she can't look like that anymore, no way.
11:52 - 11:55
Frank argued something interesting some time ago. It was all about the sense we have that life is so routine and unsurprising. I had to admit, I knew the feeling. Then he asked me if I could honestly say that I had not been surprised by anything in the last 24 hours. And there, I had to admit it, I'd been surprised several times that day, in some cases quite definitely, life-changingly, surprised!
Not that that changes anything.
A lot of people would like to live their lives over. Fuck, I'd settle for the last four minutes!
This is an outline for the improvement of Albania.
We have two plans of attack, and they point in divergent directions. We should implement one of the two before we attempt to implement the other one. Otherwise, we'll get all confused about what we are doing.
The first plan of attack has twelve steps, whereas the second has only one. You may think that the one-step plan should be implemented first; however, we don't know how long it will take. It could take longer, no-one knows.
Let's go to a vote. Who's for plan one? Who's for plan two?
CHAPTER THE FIRST
Whiteness and blackness, however, and the other colours, are not winged, having reference (necessarily) to a winged creature, and is irritable when vexed; he is not even spoken of as bad-tempered.
But in the case of affirmation and negation, whether the subject/object does not exist, the object may nevertheless be considered as quite other than in the sense of being correlatives. They can be explained by the other: they should be present in that of which they are predicated; it remains unaltered, but it is at one time true, at another time false, or contrary to themselves.
"I don't care what you think, we're putting in the policy. The statistics are clear about it, don't you know how to interpret statistics?
"And we've got it all backed up with actuarial fatality statistics. What do I mean? I mean that even if there's no death, life expectancy is noticably lessened. You got it? Even if no lives are saved, life-hours are, because of injury!
am the Principal!
"It is decreed! From now on, no students are allowed to go down the central staircase unless they are wearing proper CSA-approved head protection! End of argument!"
Somethin' I notice 'bout the blues, me an' Woody an' Picks on bass, is whatcha might call blues eco
ics. Curious fack: When we be blowin' in front of a crowd of dirt-po' cats, dat's when we gots ta feah for our asses de most. 'Cause if you don't cut it, dey ain' gonna take it, and you's likely to get slicked, an' bad. But when we's playin' a gig for some upscale corp'rate blowout, when allems be paying $150 a plate, we play shit, and dose fuckahs don't care! If dat don't make de blues, I don't know what do.
"You know, they have just enough intelligence to see it."
"Oh, this trick is just too good."
"If I'd understood back then what you'd meant by saying, 'Let me control the polarity,' I'd never have doubted you."
"They're almost ready to murder one another! It's beautiful! They're blaming one another for it!"
"In a sense, you've proved that they're intelligent--"
"But not intelligent enough."
"The balance of it is made up of pride. Ordinary pride."
"And it will only get worse as time does by."
"They'll revert back to a medieval period of slavery."
Oh, blue insect girl, oh, blue insect girl,
What plot do your tears water now?
When you look in the sky's mirror so sea blue
Can you see you in the azure field?
"I have been standing in this corner
Sucking my thumb to blue as the board
For thirty years now. I hold my breath;
I see though my heart my face turning blue."
Blue insect girl crying in the grass,
Don't pretend you know the rainbow;
Don't make me tell you all about
Those other six without whom you'd be
A shade too light to see your self.
[ ], [ ],
How do you do, what did you do?
When do you think you knew you were through?
[ ], [ ],
Thought you'd pull through, [ ],
But Devil was due to carry off you.
To me you know you never said who
Made you so blue, your life away threw,
Were you so blue, [ ]?
If only we knew, we might've saved you,
To us you threw a big Screw You,
[ ], I'm in pain too,
Your corpse's on view, [ ],
You bastard you, you bastard you,
You bastard, you bastard you.
candida Oglala Sioux In Holy Commuelsewhere. Yong—all these are no u may know tnion throu tes, st based sou gh the mists of that in the U he autumn mornidian camp, conited States pt only fragments, nsisting of tipis but characteristic f th of Boston, Mas eople in s sachusetts, so we feature infoate parties and gras and wag ome cities ha sroots active some char vists are har ons, sitsrmation on ma in front of a g d at work gro ny New Engl ragments, of tacteris overnmwing our pa entrty. Take he Englishtic feat and Blues
"Okay, you've admitted it, you're a serial killer."
"More of a serial
, I should say."
"Shaddap, lemme handle this. We've pinned you to seventy-eight killings. The first was your mother; you ate your own mother's brains, around the beginning of April 2005. The last one was, unfortunately for you, a cop, who you vivisected on 5 December 2006. Big fucking mistake, that one.
"Steady through all that period you killed, except for March and the first half of April 2006. So why did you not kill during that period, killer? Why'd'ya stop?"
The serial killer said, "It was Lent."
For about a year I have been looking for the perfect keychain to replace the one I am using now.
The one I have was once the perfect keychain because it had a little flashlight on it. But the switch stopped working, so now it's just a flat blue UFO-shaped appendix. Plus some keys get caught on the clasp and end up perpendicular to the rest and it's really hard to get them all parallel again.
But all the flashlight keychains I see are either too large, or they're the wrong colour, or they flash, or the ring's too big.
SETTINGS FOR DIAMONDS
I make settings for diamonds. Imaginary and invisible diamonds exclusively.
I've made brooches, rings and necklaces. Every setting starts the same. I imagine a diamond. A perfect diamond.
Starting from a small balance on one of the corners, I melt the hot pewter up and around the edges of where the diamond would be. Then, I fold little arms over the thickest cross-section of the gem. This is key, because otherwise the imaginary diamond would easily fall out.
Sometimes I set imaginary rubies around the diamond.
I don't know what I'd do faced with a real one.
The guy who delivers the newspaper doesn't know why the papers are piling up so. He's got a job to do!
And at the video store a clerk clears off the reserves that haven't been picked up after a week on hold.
And his regular waitress waits, supposing that maybe he was the kind of guy who'd go off on a vacation without telling his regular waitress.
And the telephones aren't ringing as often as they expect to be ringing.
And Christ looks back--the man who was following him isn't there anymore.
Maybe he'll come back later
, Christ thinks.
The second box is inscribed “Maria,” in Hebrew. Maria is the Latin version of “Miriam.”
Then the Ghost of Christas Future took to a cemetery and pointed out to me a headstone.
"Ian Skaife," I read. "Who's that?"
"It is you," said the Ghost.
"But my name's John."
"Ian is the Scottish translation. Same thing."
"No it isn't."
"According to the Gospel of Cameron and Jacobovici, they are. And who are you to differ?"
"Yes. It's you in that tomb."
"If the people who interred Miryam's bones can get her name wrong-"
Oh my God, what have I done?
As I left work, leaving Mike behind to work for another half hour, I called out to him, "So long, sucker!"
What have I done?
I didn't mean it as an insult! I wasn't referring to
That's it, I'm done for. Word'll get around, that I'm homophobic. There'll be a whisper campaign!
This is the sort of thing that causes suicide!
And the irony is I was just quoting a line from
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
! And it was spoken by Jodie Foster!
Jodie Foster, for Christ's sake!!!
(I've snuck out of the house. Mary doesn't know I'm here. [Mexico might, but she's just a cat.] I'm out here on the other side of the block, seeking out the inspiration necessary to write something interesting. All I need is a single word, an image.... Japanese schoolgirls. Hmmm. Maybe I'll save that for a longer story. I'm smoking as I search. Smoking. I don't mention much about smoking.... There's got to be something.... Look at that tree. Tree, tree, tree.... something about trees. A bird balanced on a branch. Doesn't even know we're wondering how she can do it.)
CHAPTER THE SECOND
For it happens sometimes that when proposing to discuss the category of
, we have included in it the degree to which we possess it; e.g., one man is said to be better at something than another; men are called "healthy" by virtue of their inborn qualities.
That things, also, are said to be such and such by virtue of these traits is obvious; thus, there is nothing that is the contrary of the supposition, insofar as they relate to the terrestrial and two-footed.
And a quality (such as whiteness) is by no means the sole quality.
The Tip Jar