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"I was on a trip; I was with my wife and my girlfriend and someone else indistinct. We had two rooms, of course. I had a hankering for the girlfriend on the fourth day or so; but where was she? I checked the first room; she wasn't there. So I went to the other room, which was in another wing. And would you believe it? my wife and girlfriend were in bed together! My wife said, 'We were only kissing eyelids!' I crept off painfully...."
"Funny you have so little imagination you have to crib dream scenarios from Roman Polanski."
"So anyway there were the four of us, in Switzerland, at CERN's Large Hadron Accelerator. A couple of their scientists were giving a lecture. (One was my old next-door neighbour.) So I asked them if they were worried about creating a giant-mass black hole and destroying the universe. They scientists looked at me very seriously and said something like, 'That's precisely the point.'"
"Holy hell! They admitted it?"
"Yeah! 'We hope to destroy the universe some time in the next ten years. So get your act together. Your days are numbered.'"
"I don't think I've ever been threatened like that."
"Threatened by a dream..."
"Or threatened in a dream..."
"Do you think there's much of a difference?.."
"Did you defend yourself?.."
"From scientists? How could I do that?.."
"You could bust their stuff, you could order them to stop, there's a million ways..."
"I did nothing of the sort. It sounded sensible to me..."
"Sensible to want to destroy the universe?.."
"No; sensible to have a goal in life..."
"And destroy everything?.."
"Who am I to judge?.."
"Don't give me that crap. If you see these scientists again, make them stop..."
"I'll order them to stop. Or bust their stuff..."
"How much more of this is there?"
"I think we're about a tenth of the way through. I can go on all night--because it last all night. All night long was the dream. It started at 11:30 and didn't wind up til 7:30."
"I hope it all wasn't so action-packed."
"No, there was a little nap in the middle of it. I'll get to that."
"You took a nap in this long dream?"
"I had a chance. And there was a couch available. Only for a couple hours."
"When you took this nap--did you dream during it?"
"Sometimes you dream and sometimes you don't. You know that."
"I admit it, yes."
"My parents have a house in Switzerland."
"So that's where me and my wife went."
"Wait: since when have your parents had a house in Switzerland?"
"Since last night."
"Oh, no, not one of these."
"'Everything was the same, only smaller. And there was an enormous basement, three rooms by three.'"
"No, it wasn't like that at all. It was attached to CERN. It was super-modern."
"But you had all the furniture there."
"Then how'd you know it was your parent's house?"
"It's just something you just know."
"Were your parents there?"
"Some kind of substitute then."
"No, it was just me and my wife. Nobody else. The TV was on, though."
"Of course! The TV was on! And what was on TV?"
"Some band playing. I didn't recognize it."
"What was the instrumentation?"
"What instruments were they playing?"
"Oh! Well, there were some drums. Some guitars, I guess. Oh, and a pretty girl was playing the piano."
"Don't they always? Aren't you always knocked out by female piano players?"
"There's no-one else in this room. Is there?"
"It's just us. Wait: Yes, it's just us."
"I'm glad we've established that."
"And now we're here, and we both want to leave, but we don't want to leave together. So we're waiting for the other to leave first. And so we're stuck here, in this tiny space, for an indefinite amount of time. You're going to deny it."
"I'm not going to deny it. I'm waiting to hear more."
"Act two. Me and you are at work. It's quitting time. We don't want to leave together. So we're waiting."
"But I get bored and leave first."
"You leave first."
"I leave first. Can we get back to the dream?"
"Okay. My wife and me, we're in my parent's house in Switzerland, watching a musical performance on the television. And I'm kind of dozing; but then I wake up sharply."
"It's because I remember something I've forgotten to do."
"I have to write a math exam; it's scheduled for two-thirty that day."
"Oh my God."
"And you haven't studied for it."
"Why do you think that?"
had the dream."
"That very dream?"
had that dream."
"That doesn't seem mathematically possible."
"Okay: there are variations."
"So it's unique enough. I found the exam room, which was a study hall. There was still an hour til the test. I opened up a notebook and wrote a bit. Nothing significant, just a hundred words or so. Then I thought I'd do some studying but I didn't have any useful books on me. A woman sitting there reminded me of the campus bookstore so I went outside--I still had a good amount of time--ran into Victoria--"
"Someone I used to know. I can't remember her last name right now. So off we went."
"I suppose you walked there."
"We walked, and we talked. She didn't have any exams to write; she was surprised
did. We parted ways some way along and I went into the bookstore. Couldn't see any math book I wanted so in my panic I asked a man in a little white shop-apron. He took me to the math books and he recommended one. I had sixty dollars on my and the book was forty. Then there was another man, a customer. He recommended a different book: that one was thirty. Then I remembered I had a gift certificate."
"You had a gift certificate."
"Yeah. I had a gift certificate for sixty dollars."
"And who praytell gave that to you?"
"Oh golly, I'm not sure. Maybe it was that Victoria ... or was it the guy in the white shop-apron?"
"I've never heard of a shopclerk giving away gift certificates."
"Fine, then it was either Victoria or someone else."
"That narrows it down, he said sarcastically."
"Anyway ... I had the gift certificate and I bought the books with it and I went back to the classroom and I studied the books and took the test in that classroom."
"How did you do?"
"I think I did pretty good."
"What mark did you get?"
"I never found out."
"No-one ever told you?"
"Nope. Your guess is as good as mine. I
I got a B."
"That's good enough for me."
"I went home again."
"Your parents' home."
"Yeah. The TV was still on. There was a teleplay on, and I felt like I was experiencing it."
"Oh never mind. What was the teleplay about?"
"Well, it was about an art critic of some sort, somewhere back in the late '60s. He was getting famouser and famouser.
"He's married and has a daughter. It seems the daughter is central to it all.
"They also have a dog. The dog is important.
"They go to a cottage on a lake."
"I think you've told me this one already."
"No: there was no kid and no dog in that one."
"They're at one point of a bay; there's a shallows running all the way over to the other point. There's a cottage over there.
"They spend a pleasant day. Everyone's happy. But at about six-thirty--"
"You noted the time?"
"I'm guessing by the light's nature."
"At about six-thirty the dog swims off to the other tip of the bay. Across the shallow part."
"Sounds like symbolism."
"The little girl sees--she's got good eyes, her father's ruined his studying art, and her mother never liked the dog anyway--the dog wagging its tail; it's with someone, some man, and his voice carries across the still shallow water--"
"Hey, you know what really bugs me about that movie
"Do you know what really bugs me about that movie
"No. I do not. What really bugs you about that movie
"At the end, the rescue guy is yelling, 'Is there anyone there? Is there anyone there?' and there's an echo. And I ask you:
What is the sound echoing against? They're in open water! There's
to echo against!
"I don't remember that scene."
"I guess that means reality doesn't matter as much to you as it does to me."
"Be that as it may: the guy in the other cottage, across the water, is rubbing the dog's snout with both hands, and he's saying, 'Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy?'
"The father yells across, That's our dog.'
"The man in the other cottage looked up but didn't wave. He went into his cottage, his hands together curiously. The father yelled the dog's name but the dog was suddenly afraid of water, sure enough. The man in the other cottage came out again, wiping his hands on a cloth. He yelled out, 'I'll bring him right over.'
"Fifteen minutes later the stranger showed up with the dog. He introduced himself. Said his name was Jack."
"And then what?"
"I don't want to tell you the rest."
"I want to save it; I think I'll use it later."
"You can't do that. You have to tell me the rest."
"You'll hear the rest ... some time later. In a week, maybe two.
"I don't believe you know the ending."
"If I don't, who does?"
"I think this is the point when you fell asleep in your dream."
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
"You're being very annoying."
"Okay, to make you happy: Yes, this is the point at which I fell asleep."
"Do you really mean that?"
"Sure. I really mean that."
"Okay, so: you fall asleep."
"And I don't dream. Mostly."
"There was the tiniest dream....
"It was something, not sure, but something, and here's half-guesses, it was about alligators in the dark and there was a bit about meeting Sigmund Freud and I also met some people when I was a kid again, and I had to rush here and there to get this and that for one and another, and I was on a cliff's edge and at the bottom of the sea below it and there was music and there was a dance going on and you were there twice but not three times and I got dizzy and then I woke up."
"That was the second longest dream-within-a-dream I've ever heard in my life."
"You stole that joke."
"I admit it.
I stole a joke
"So I woke up. In my own apartment this time."
"The apartment we're in right now?"
"Where were you napping?"
A point across the room to a couch was the answer.
"Right there, huh?"
"Yeah, right there. But I wasn't alone."
"No. A whole bunch of the people I used to live with were here."
"Like it was both places at once."
"Both places at once."
"That happens all the time because without space and..."
"Yeah-yeah-yeah, so we were all together and we were figuring out hour to build bombs and explosives and weapons."
"To blow things up, I guess."
"Well yes of course, but who or what were you going to blow up?"
"I don't know."
"You didn't think to ask?"
"The matter didn't come into it. We were just building bombs and explosives."
"Were you successful?"
"Not at the time, no. We tried blowing some up, but they didn't blow."
"Still: were you terrorists?"
"I guess we were."
"What were you planning on fighting against?"
"I guess.... I guess my enemies."
"So did you terrorize your enemies?"
"Listen: we were on our way to do just that, all five of us piled into a big station wagon with all our bombs and guns in the back seat--the wagon belonged to the father of a kid in knew in Kindergarten--and the radio was playing noodles by Eddie Van Halen, but we decided to rob a bank first. (In fact, we forgot all about my enemies.) And voilą, there was a bank right there. One of the girls planted some bombs in the vestibule and we got out of the way.
"And we blew a huge hole in the front of the bank!"
"Wait a sec, wait a sec, you said you didn't blow anything up."
"I didn't think we were going to. I thought it wasn't going to go as far as actually blowing something up."
"But, why did you say you didn't blow anything up?"
"I was using the third-person subjective sense."
"I am conveying to you some inner knowledge through my third person narrative."
"But you're talking in the first person."
"No, not really. It wasn't actually
. Did you think I really made some bombs?"
"But, this is a dream you're describing. It's like a fiction. You have to obey the rules of narrative."
"Don't give me such a hard time. Do you want me to go on or not?
"Do you want me to go on or not?
"Oh knock it off. So we went into the bank. No-one seemed to have noticed we'd blown up the whole front of the place. Janet fell down dead. Did you ever meet Janet?"
"Don't think I did."
"Well. So no-one wanted to give us their money no matter how we threatened.
"We hauled together all our stuff and went out to the car ... but we couldn't find it. Before we knew it we were in jail."
"Yes, nicked. The jail was my old high school, converted in interesting ways. It was where I'd taken the test earlier, I noticed. I thought of going to get the test results, but things were happening so fast I didn't find the time."
"I know I did well. Am I being consistent here?"
"I think so."
"So we were booked, all of us, one at a time."
"Serious time, bank robbery."
"So I thought. Then the cops pointed in a certain direction and we went into the gym and into the back where the showers were. We took off our clothes and showered. I was trying to not look at Janice's and but I couldn't help it. We were given bunk assignments: I was sleeping with Laurie and Leslie."
"Oh yeah! My was hard as a rock. We lay down together, me in the middle. Their were pressing against my chest. Very cozy."
"Laurie said, 'My itches.'
"Leslie said, 'My itches too!'
"I put my hands on their."
"I did. Laurie reached down and started playing with my. Then Leslie slipped under the and took my in her. Then Laurie climbed on top of me and put my in her while Leslie my and Laurie's."
"I've dreamed about stuff like that, too."
"Laurie got with Leslie so her was on and Leslie's was in her. I got up and my into all the time stand it grabbed her crying out."
"Stop! I can't take any more!"
"And her with cried behind together."
"I didn't need to hear this!"
"Then we rested. And we giggled a lot."
"Wow. Can I use your washroom?"
"Oh, we're so close to the end."
"Sure, but: there's a tension in me. Has to be released."
"Hold it in. Just a few more minutes."
"Well, even though it's against doctor's orders ... okay."
"Good. Where was I? Right, we were giggling away, then the girls fell asleep. I didn't. Then God appeared to me."
"Yes. It wasn't a vision. It was God in the flesh. And he told me the universe was on the verge of Apocalype. And he said I could prevent it. And he told me what he required."
"What did he tell you?"
"And he told me I had to utterly dismember Laurie and Leslie."
"And that's just what I said. 'Wow!' And I tried bargaining, but there was no way out of it."
"So what did you do?"
"I went into the kitchen--the one that's just over there--and I got out three of the sharpest knives. And then I went to the sleeping pair. And I took Laurie's arm in hand, and through. She didn't. There a lot of blood at first. Then I her other arm. Then I her leg, and her arm."
"Yeah. If it had been me doing that I would have been plenty disgusted. Finally I her head. Then it was Leslie's turn. I her head first, then her two arms, and finally her legs. There they were: in twelve parts. I turned to God ... but he'd left the room. I went to find them. He was in the kitchen making a sandwich. I told him what I'd done and he said, 'Good, good.' I asked if he was proud of me and he said, 'It was just something you had to do.' His reaction disappointed me.
"'Hey!' I said.
"He turned. He said. 'I see you haven't done it. Such a liar.'
"'Go look! In the other room!'
"'I told you to cut your hair.'
"'You told me to dismember those girls!'
"'You misunderstood me.'"
"All he wanted was for you to get a haircut?"
"Yes. It had all been a misunderstanding."
"You must have felt foolish."
"So, did you get your hair cut?"
"I didn't have time. I was on my way to a barbershop on Christie Street. I was almost there, almost averting the Apocalypse....
"And I woke up."
"No you didn't."
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