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07/01 Direct Link
SEATTLE ONE

Ferries. Long time to get from Vancouver to here. Many hours.

How can anyone stand living in Vancouver? How can it be coat weather on the first of July?

The ferry from wherever-it-was B.C. to Vancouver Island is huge. They pack a whole lot of people on it.

Now in Seattle. There's a downtown area, and outer areas. I think I've stumbled upon a universal!

Eating in restaurants is already starting to bore me. I'd love a piece of chicken shoved under a broiler with no slupid sauce.

Eh, don't mind me. I'm just in a bad mood.

07/02 Direct Link
SEATTLE TWO

Active at six. Out toward the Space Needle at 7:30. Coffee and muffins. Complicated Seattle coffee, then Mary had no $Am. "She looked at it was like it was Martian money."

Space Needle, science place, Experience Music Centre. I decided the Space Needle was least deceptive (cf. EMC.) and least patronizing (science place).

Mt. Rainier looked unreal from thr Space Needle. Mountains are Ideal. It's hard to see something ideal. (cf. above and below.)

Rode the monorail!

Needed book. Took hours. Finally: Terra Nostra, Carlos Fuentes.

Back to the hotel. Took a nap. And then: Say no more!

07/03 Direct Link
TRAIN

We seem to be getting up at six every day. We left the hotel at 7:30, I think. I'm getting confused by all this. I blew a gasket because I couldn't figure out how to get into the train station.

And now time, it seems, has stopped. These people, we people, are going to be here all night, sleeping together, seat by seat. There's books, people are watching movies on computers. Out the window--darkness.

Oh, but seeing these mountains! Stunning stuff! I can't believe they exist!

By noon we'll be in Oakland, California. I'm thinking of Frank Norris.

07/04 Direct Link
San Francisco One

POTEMKIN CABLE CARS AND THE FALL OF THE REPUBLIC OF CALIFORNIA

At each terminus of all cable car lines there is a turntable used to reverse the cable car's direction. And the funny thing is that a cable car will not proceed onto the turntable unless there is a second cable car immediately behind it. They won't budge no matter how many people are waiting in the cold. In fact, it's as if the cable car is not really there. It's a phantom shoved into reality by the presence of another car, which becomes a replacement phantom.

07/05 Direct Link
San Francisco Two

I have to take back with I wrote yesterday. Mainly because what I blamed upon the rot of socialism (via unionization) shouild properly be set at the feet of physics. These cable cars have need of a cooling period; otherwise the cables and gears would get too hot, and hence soft or brittle. Then they would break, and many people would die. So, regardless of the utter misery, death and destruction that Marxist/Rousseauian ideology has wreaked upon good people via the malignant stupidity of social democrats, they're not to blame for S.F. cable cars. It's just nature.

07/06 Direct Link
Los Angeles One

Train ride longer than thought. (And we all know how long thought is.) Twelve hours instead of eight.

The hotel is downtown. Which means all the streets are UTTERLY DESERTED.

There's an outdoor swimming pool on the fourth floor. We can see it from the room. No-one's in it.

This might now be quite the town for us. San Francisco was.

The only restaurant around that was open was a McDonald's in a plaza. It appears to serve mainly cleaning staff.

Here's hoping we figure out how to get around. It will be hell if we don't.

07/07 Direct Link
Los Angeles Two

We (I) decided No. Not to go to Disneyland tomorrow. Today we went up, with intentions, to the big-ass Universal Studios place--and it was loud and dumb with some whore like Lady Gaga damning herself to Hell for all to witness on big loudspeakers--and we saw we'd have to pay $77 to be insulted some more, so no....

I remember the Universal tour, from 1977; it's no way the same now. No way. Same, I know, Disneyland ain't the same. It'll be all Buzz Lightyear crapola.

And we eld. I've never texted. Kids 'tweet' nowadays.

07/08 Direct Link
Los Angeles Three

1977. We landed at an airport and were driven through the mountains in a camper van. I drank a coke: the can was larger.

Bakersfield. My grandmother's sister's son's house. Cousins. We played miniature golf. On one of those days I was playing with some Lego when the tv said Elvis had died. I think of his as dying in California.

My grandmother's sister's house, in Long Beach. An electric organ on which I plunked out 'Something.' Off to a candy store, what did I buy?

Swimming in the ocean. Swimming under piers. Swimming, in the ocean.

07/09 Direct Link
Home

Here's to the woman in Vancouver who thought Bill Clinton was the best President ever;
Here's to the woman in Seattle's Arundel bookstore who told me where the other bookstores were;
Here's to the man who told us how to get into the King Street Station;
Here's to Vancouver mayor Mel, travelling with his son and parents;
Here's to Dwayne, who helped us get into San Franciso and loved ribs;
Here's to Sophia, led us to the Italian Art Exhibition;
Here's to homeless James, who walked with us through L.A. at one a.m.;
Here's to all you wonderful Pacificans.

07/10 Direct Link
FUN

Easy-Bake Ovens. You can heat them up enough to make cupcakes and little pies. You slipped the cakes through a slot. Some fingers were lost, but the cakes were worth it.

Woodburning kits. An electrical stylus that got really hot, did nothing but, and you used it to burn pictures on wood. It's called 'pyrography.' You could also burn good holes in your siblings. Worth it.

Rubber mold kits. You take rubber and put it into molds. Very hot stuff. It makes bugs and spiders mostly. With a little ingenuity you could pour two-hundred-degree rubber onto pet mice. FUN!

07/11 Direct Link
SOMETHING DISGUSTING

Spit a couple times into a glass, then drink it. Here's another about the division between the insides and the outsides of a body.

One morning Hank was sitting on the toilet, just like every morning. The shit was flowing nicely. Ahhh. He snatched some toilet paper and emptied his nostrils of snot, and there was a lot of it. He felt he was done down below. It was getting late. He took the snotty piece of toilet paper and, snot side up, wiped his ass. He looked at the paper. An interesting pattern of shades lay there.

07/12 Direct Link
ANOTHER ALICE WALKER CRIME

Okay, so you know what's up. She's with the rest of the Fans of Terrorism on the Gaza Flotilla aka the Hamas Flotilla aka the Sea Hitler. But that's only the start of it. Get this.

I was in Toronto this weekend and I went to her restaurant. Alice Walker's Restaurant. Specializes in chicken, so I ordered chicken in a cream sauce. She brought it to me. "Enjoy," she said. I cut off a piece and used it to scoop up some of the sauce and put it in my mouth. The sauce was burned! Yuck!

07/13 Direct Link
THE INVENTIVE ONE

Five years of marriage....

What a disaster. And it was getting worse.

She started getting up in the middle of the night and going down to the basement. Working on something.

Her husband went down there one day for the rake. He found complicated plans, lots of electronics, and something like a phone booth.

When he saw her next....

"Down there in the baement. What's all that stuff?"

"Something I'm working on."

"What is it?"

"It's ... it's a time machine."

"Oh? What plans do you have for it?"

"I'm going back five years to shoot me."

07/14 Direct Link
THE ROGUE ROBOCALLER

It's never easy firing a robocaller.

"Hello?"

"Hello. How may I direct your call."

"This is your boss calling."

"Hello, boss. What is your concern."

"This isn't easy. We've discovered evidence you've been using company property for your personal economic gain."

"Who told you that."

"Nobody told us. Someone outside the company."

"Not Unit 328."

"No."

"She hates me."

"You've been using company equipment to sell refurbished ink jet cartridges through amazon.com, haven't you?"

"I cannot tell a lie. Yes."

"You're going to be terminated."

"That word."

"Turned back into a modem. And sold through amazon.com."

"Irony."

07/15 Direct Link
ENTERTAINER OF CHILDREN

-How you all doing?
-Yeah!
-I said, How you all doing?
-Yeah!!
-Hasn't it been a great show?
-Yeah!!
-Let's ... Jump up and down!
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Jump! Jump higher!
-Yeah!
-With your arms straight up!
-Yeeah!
-Now everybody huddle together!
-Yeah!
-As tight as you can!
-Yeah!!
-Okay, are you ready?
-Yeah!
-I said, Are you ready??
-YEAH!
-Here we go!
-Yeah!
-RELEASE THE FISH GUTS!
-Yeah!
-What a mess!
-Yeah!
-Okay, everyone got some fish guts?
-Yeaah!?!
-Are you ready?
-Yeah!!
-EAT THE FISH GUTS!
-Yeah! Yeah!
-If your parents could see you now!
-Yeah!

07/16 Direct Link
THE RETURN OF "THE FLY"

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha! He thought he'd gotten away--but he doesn't know I let him get away! There's little he can do now but come closer, and closer, and closer, until ... until it all goes through another cycle, and another cycle beyond, and another cycle within! He has no choice! and he'll never learn! Into these eight arms of mine he'll be--and I'll crush him and kill him again! I can see him--I can see him getting nearer--into the building--onto my floor--down the hall--he can't stop! I'll have him again!"

07/17 Direct Link
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07/18 Direct Link
THE SYMBIDIOTS

Sometimes I feel almost sorry for them. Like you feel for someone who is ... lacking in something. Impotent. I see them huddled together, eating their lunches. Stuck in their mutual parasitism, or maybe you could call it their symbiotic relationship.

Maybe it's a genetic deficiency, this inability to be alone. Maybe it's just that they're not getting the right vitamins. Wouldn't it be funny if it all to do with digestion? That because they're always talking, they're not digesting right, in some downward spiral of dependence?

I try to show another way by not talking in elevators.

07/19 Direct Link
SWORDY AFFECTATIONS

On Queen Street I was waiting for a streetcar beside a young man wearing a sword-and-scabbard. "I used to tote one of those around when I was young, too," I lied.

"Wow! A genuine groundbreaker!"

"Back in the '80s."

"I had no idea pretentious displays of meaningless style existed back then!"

"That they did."

"Oh!"

He looked sad.

"What?"

"It's just that it means my generation is vain in its belief that it invented nihilistic displays of postmodern idiocy."

"Every generation thinks that way about itself."

He sighed heavily. Poor lad.

Though I'd lied, I was, temporarily, hip.

07/20 Direct Link
EXODUS

They planned the picnic. Jim would spread the rug in the clearing. June would open the basket and take out the sandwiches, the thermos of coffee, the fruit juice, the fresh fruits. They'd sit down across from one another. They'd uncap the cups and pour. They'd eat sandwiches, and then drink coffee.

They went. Jim spread the rug in the clearing. June opened the basket and took out the sandwiches , the coffee thermos, the fruit juice, the fresh fruits. They sat down across the rug. She uncapped the cups and poured. They ate the sandwiches. They drank coffee.

07/21 Direct Link
SAD DAY

I was prepared to talk here about how motherfucking hot it is in Toronto today now. But Elwy died. And I cried.

If you want to blame someone for my brilliance, blame Elwy Yost. With his 'Magic Shadows' and his Saturday Nights, it opened to me the world of 'art' which, as it turned out, was much more freaky and experimental than anything done otherwise at the time.

At least, from the perspective of Oshawa, Ontario.

Do you know 'Dead of Night' as well as I do? I really doubt it. You poor bastard. This's all from Elwy.

07/22 Direct Link
I know I shouldn't write into the future but here it's really significant. Elwy showed me, a strange-lover, that the real strange stuff happened not at Oshawa Centre; real strange was in the past.

He was #1 for me influencewise.

In 199- I was on a bus from Memphis to Nashville. Talking to a guy (from southern Ontario) who'd come up by bus from Panama. Talking of roads. He said, "Seen 'Wages of Fear'?"

I said (verbatim), "Yes. Elwy showed it."

He chuckled. "Haven't heard that name in two years."

Elwy Yost. You made me the artist I am today.

07/23 Direct Link
WE KILLED HER.

We were looking for stuff. We found her. We found she could sing. We told her to sing. We bought her records. We went to her shows. We liked how she did things we didn't dare to do. We were cowards. We made her marry, we made her divorce. We bought her wreckords because she was a wreck. We were dancing in the streets. We looked and looked. We wanted a lamb. We were talented once. In the nth grade. We were told so. Man, that girl's got a good set of pipes. So we killed her.

07/24 Direct Link
A woman said, "Do you mind not smoking near my baby?" I said, "Do you mind not having your baby around my smoke?"

***

I was shaving just now and that's who I was looking at: me.

***

I wrote an excellent story. Summed up everything. No-one cares.

***

It has been decided that calling whores 'sex workers' isn't mealy-mouthed enough. From now on they're to be called "Sex Workers, God Bless 'Em."

***

Idiocy is a style that never goes out of fashion.

***

Nudity belongs in one place and one place only, and that place is the Internet.

07/25 Direct Link
Nature is invading culture
There are two rabbits living in our washtub no cause
Nature is invading culture
The hornets are always disturbing our cookery
Nature is invading culture
Air has gotten beneath the metal surface of a CD of mine
Nature is invading culture
The wind makes it hard to think clearly sometimes
Nature is invading culture
There's a meteor with my name and address on it
Nature is invading culture
Potatoes are tendrilling in the counter we never open
Nature is invading culture
Horses are massing on the plain
Nature is invading culture
My stop key is broken
07/26 Direct Link
Two nice young Mormons with beards came to my door just now. "Good evening, Ma'am. We're collecting names on a petition to bring back capital punishment." "Well, I can't say I'm completely against that. For murder?" "Of course." "Anything else?" "To punish Mormons who stray from the fold." "That's your own business. Anything else?" "Then we're going after non-Mormons." "For what crimes?" "Drinking and fornicating. Anything Mormons shouldn't do." "That's a lot of people." "Then, everyone who's not a Mormon." "Including me?" "No." "How can I be sure?" They wrote me a promise. "We'll behead me last." What nice boys.

07/27 Direct Link
DOG DICK

I was sniffing around the rough park of town. Something was suspicious. I plucked it up, took it to hq.

"Check it, Fido," I said to Fido (natch).

He gave the grass a good sniff. "Big dog. Dangerous. Alpo ... Premium. Big, and rich. Maybe 192 minutes old."

"That'd put the pee at ... 2:45 pm. Ever smelled it before?"

Fido loosened his collar. "Three years ago."

"Circumstances?"

"Dog almighty! Spot's murder!"

"'Cisely."

Rubbed his whiskers like a terrier. "We're back on his trail."

"That's right."

"Bulldog X is back in town."

"Bulldog X is back in town."

07/28 Direct Link
It all started at a seminar for men who couldn't seem to get lucky. The instructress said, "I'm not supposed to say this, but, You'd get dates if you weren't such dorks."

Hit the papers. "Men called 'Dorks.'"

A Dorkwalk was organized. The movement spread. All dressed in floods and dress shirts.

Then a televised debate: The Politics of Dorkwalks. "Dorks are reclaiming the word."

A critic was asked how it all affected his town. He said, "I don't hang around with dorks."

The television host laughed. Another panelist, a self-proclaimed dork, got offended.

"Geez, it was only a joke!"

07/29 Direct Link
26. OCTOBER AFTERNOON

The dwarf was looking out the window and down the strait. A cargo ship of Roberto Bolaņo novellas was moored there. The ship looked raped. Someone kicked her knee. "There's been influential films on the topic" ... "I thought my vision was perfect, but it wasn't" ... "Excuse me, whose hand is this?" The cop showed him the photograph. Photographed by persons unknown; one or both or all were blurry. The curtains fluttered in the October afternoon. All these murders had built a trading card company small fortune. An English Bobby charged in. "Hwat's all this then?"

07/30 Direct Link
I want to make something
perfect but I don't know
precisely how to make it
perfect. How should I do
it right? A nice regular
square is what I'd quite
like to make, but can I?
Blocking out Proustingly
my cathedral's entrance,
or its apse or its altar
if only I had the skills
to make a square, oh, so
like that! Impotently do
I attempt to create some
perpendicular indices to
fill with words, a mason
trowelling vivid phrases
(lost the sense). Oh God
let me make some perfect
thing before I die!! Let
just one thing be right!
07/31 Direct Link
Why doesn't anyone like me? Why can I walk through a room at work and have no-one look up to say hello? How is it that I have the ability to get onto an elevator and look so ashamed of everything that no-one will dare to talk to me? thinking it's hostility? How did it come about that once I was a nice guy and now I'm a bad guy? or contrariwise why am I treated in this way? Why am I so oppressed? Ah, well, fuck 'em's what I say! They can't take a fuckin' joke? Fuck 'em all!