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01/01 Direct Link
The time for departing is here once again
And here you are off and I'm less o' one friend
I'm walking off quick and won't ever be back
With mem'ries of you stuffed in my tack

So long it's been good to know you (x3)
My dusty old dust will still be my home
And you got to be drifting along

If there come a time your path I cross again
No matter the where, no matter the when
Don't be surprised if I don't talk to you
Don't take it amiss, it's just somethin' I do

So long etc.
01/02 Direct Link
"What's that, you need directions? Where to? That's too vague, what's the exact address? This city, I guess? Ontario, yeah? Okay, here's what you do: go up this street, and turn left at the first intersection. Go straight ahead, soon you'll be 500 metres from where you turn right. Then you'll be 200 metres away from where you turn right. Then you'll have to turn right in fifty metres. After you've turned, go straight for 500 400 300 200 100 50 metres, and there's the driveway of the house you want to get to. No problem, have a nice day."
01/03 Direct Link
Kaeretz smelled what smelled like airplane glue or something like it when he got on the streetcar. The smell stayed as he walked down the middle of the car, and sitting there near the door was an ordinary looking guy turning his head back and forth at a steady rate. Kaeretz sat down. The streetcar driver passed and Kaeretz head him say, "You sniffin' glue? No-one sniffs glue on my streetcar. Out!"

Kaeretz looked out the window and saw the guy loping calmly along. Save for the inside-out sweatshirt, he looked completely normal. That's me in ten years, Kaeretz thought.
01/04 Direct Link
There was once this couple I knew, they were the happiest couple anyone ever saw. They complemented each other like two jigsaw puzzles pieces--one outie, one innie--so much so that it got harder and harder to think of them as individuals. Everyone knew they'd stay together forever. There was some kind of magic there.

One morning he awoke, she was shoving him and calling his name. She said, "I can't move my legs." With difficulty he looked down at her legs. She said, "Give them a pinch." He said, "I can't." "Why not?" "I can't move my arms."
01/05 Direct Link
PORNSTAR FUNNIES

PANEL ONE
Producer Jerome's office. Jerome sitting. Speech balloon: "Mark, come into my office."

PANEL TWO
Mark in office. "Yeah, boss?"
Jerome: "This is the third time this week you've been late." Mark: "It's my alarm clock."
Jerome: "Your alarm clock?"

PANEL THREE
Mark: "It makes wrong noises. It used to go DEE-BEE-DEE-BEE-DEE-BEE! Monday it went FWANG-FWANG-FWANG! and I couldn't understand it. Yesterday it went DRUMB-DRUMB-DRUMB-DRUMB! Same thing. Today: GIBBLE-GIBBLE-GIBBLE!"
Jerome: "Fix it."
Mark: "Yes, boss."

PANEL FOUR
Jerome alone. Thought balloon: "I'd fire him in a heartbeat if I knew another guy could suck his own cock...."
01/06 Direct Link
-Pat, hey!
-Hello, Matt.
-Long time no see!
-We had lunch together yesterday.
-Well, it's all good. Just saw Avatar!
-Last night my parents were killed in a house fire.
-Oh. The 3D is amazing!
-The cats survived, though. Poor orphans.
-Mm. You ever see this Sam Worthington guy in anything?
-Who? What?
-The star of Avatar!
-Oh, uh, no. I've been busy working out funeral arrangements.
-You really should see it. It's quite an experience!
-My sister's calling all the relatives.
-Yeah? What about?
-Matt, you're not listening. My parents died last night.
-Oh. Oh! Well, it's all good.
01/07 Direct Link
WARNING: The following motion picture was made prior to the authoritative study published in Pediatrics, February 2010 (125:2) concerning violence and children. Be warned that if one runs off a cliff whilst pursuing a roadrunner one does not have to look down and realize one is in midair before falling; furthermore note that one would not have time to hold up a small sign reading HELP! or MOTHER! before plunging to one's death; and no matter if, upon impact, one creates a self-shaped hole in the canyon floor, one will not be able to rise to continue the futile pursuit.
01/08 Direct Link
"Doc, I have to tell you about something that happened Friday night. June and Mike and me were on our way to Scranton and we stopped at a motel in Utica. By sheer coincidence, we met Melissa there. I've told you about Melissa before. So we decided to pick up some local folks, and we found them in a nearby roadhouse. We made the offer, it was just for kicks, and took them to the motel. Two guys and a girl; no-one for me, because, well, Melissa was the only one I really wanted to do. How to explain it?
01/09 Direct Link
"If we'd picked up just a guy and a girl, for June and Mike respectively, while I had Melissa, that would have thrown off the meaningless of the act. It would have confused sex and love, you see? To the detriment of both.
"So, all together in June and Mike's room, I planned out the rest of the trip as the lights went low and my friends and Melissa had sex with the locals. This went on for about an hour. Then the locals put on their clothes and left. I went to my room. And Melissa went to hers.

01/10 Direct Link
"In my room I realized what a fool I'd been. Why had I chumped out of doing Melissa? Did she think I didn't care about her? I wanted her so badly! So I got on the phone and called the desk to get her room's phone number. The desk was rather busy for some reason and they put me on hold. After waiting ten minutes I hung up and tried again. No-one answered!
"I'm telling you, doc, it was a complete nightmare! Oh, didn't I tell you it was a dream? It was a dream! Yes: it was that authentic!"
01/11 Direct Link
I knew it, I knew it, and now I have proof the cockroaches have been talking about me. They've been communicating to some of the ants near the refrigerator and the ants have told the other ants and now all the ants know, because it's well known that's what ants do. Not FIVE MINUTES AGO the ants were pushing around the dirt on the floor and they made a letter on the floor, they made an I, which is the first letter of my middle name. Everyone thinks there's something wrong with me, but now I have my absolute proof.

01/12 Direct Link
I thought back this morning as I read the newspaper and I remembered when I had a paper route. (I have to piece it together from fact and not memory.) I believe it or not, for three years I delivered newspapers, collected money, paid the boss (he had a beard) for the papers every two weeks, had a collection book with plastic covers and two big rings holding it all together, and I seemed to have a whole lot of money all around. I delivered after school, and on Saturday and Sunday mornings, the Toronto Star. Now look at me.

01/13 Direct Link
REPORT ON INHABITANT

#593684924 eyes open
#593684925 yawn
#593684926 up on front legs
#593684927 up on back legs
#593684928 arch; yawn
#593684929 front legs extended
#593684930 back legs extended
#593684931 left back leg stretched
#593684932 right back leg stretched
#593684933 jumping off bed front first
#593684934 step by step to door
#593684935 smelling door
#593684936 nosing door
#593684937 push open door
#593684938 left, right, left, right
#593684939 left paw on top step
#593684940 right paw next step
#593684941 and left back on top
#593684942 and so on down
#593684943 twitching (cold floor?)
#593684944 smelling table leg
#593684945 meow meow (why?)

01/14 Direct Link
There are so many ways in which women and cats are so much alike. For example, a guy really has to be careful not to pee on their tails.

***

Some radical critics are complaining that Avatar reinforces rigid heteronormative gender roles. Does it make any difference when you point out that Neytiri is, in fact, male?

***

I thought her legs were made of solid silver; but, undressing her, I discovered she was merely wearing silver pants. Disillusioned again!

***

Q: How many moments of real presence or insight are granted to a man while he lives? A: Seventeen.
01/15 Direct Link
behind a crowded elevator's door or in another's bed or maybe in the street outside an empty pizza joint or in a launderette or crossing streets or cutting wood at four p.m. or thinking this is it or in a hospital or home or in a final bloody battle with the FBI or maybe in a corridor forgot or in a movie theatre, with Cagney on the screen, or working through a crossword clue or with my family or maybe only Mary dear or suddenly without a chance to register what's happening or trucked off by the Lord in person
01/16 Direct Link
The patient said, "Then I got into this dog-kicking kick; that went on for months. It wasn't I was angry at dogs, it was just that ... I wanted to kick them. And kick them I did. Every one that crossed my path, I kicked. I didn't adjust my kick-strength on account of the size of the dog, I kicked them all the same, poodles, dalmatians, pitbulls, beagles, I kicked them all with the same strength. Rarely would I get bitten. In fact, I had more troubles with the owners. But, through it all, I still couldn't get a date."
01/17 Direct Link
MOVIE REVIEW

"In the Mood for Love" - Wong Kar Wai, Christopher Doyle, Mark Lee, Maggie Cheung, Tony Leung

Recent film "In the Mood for Love" is the story of a man and woman who, along with their respective spouses, move into neighbouring flats in Hong Kong in 1962. They discover their spouses are having an affair with one another and plot their spouses' deaths in gruesomely appropriate ways involving lady's purses and neckties. Excellent musical score from Mike Galasso. Cheung and Leung top-notch as usual. Though too bloody for younger viewers, big B.O. expected from art-houses and slasher festivals.
01/18 Direct Link
CURRENT REPORTS

WEATHER REPORT - dark outside. maybe a moon. maybe three below.

NOTEBOOK REPORT - blue/turquoise.

SPORTS REPORT - maybe some cricket in Australia.

BEER CAN ASHTRAY REPORT - it's getting full.

MUSIC REPORT - Muswell Hillbilly.

O/S REPORT - Dell machine.

TROUSER REPORT - blue carpenter's pants.

TORCHLIGHT REPORT - seven star gems.

FOOD REPORT - sandwiches tomorrow.

FINANCIAL REPORT - $162.52 and nine ttc tokens.

LIGHTER REPORT - blue, with warning sticker still on.

HAIR CARE REPORT - three inches or so.

GARBAGE REPORT - at the curb.

BOOK REPORT - American Fantastic Tales, 8/10.

END REPORTS
01/19 Direct Link
Here's someone I'll never talk to again: my neighbour Hans. He invited me in for coffee. I took off my shoes, as a matter of course. We had coffee. Then I went to leave and I picked up my shoes and he said, "They're my shoes now."

"What? These are my shoes."

"Not anymore. You left them on my mat. My mat, my shoes."

It was then that I noticed there were a dozen pairs of shoes in the foyer.

He continued, "You honour property rights, don't you?"

Bastard had me. I went home in my socks. He's no friend!
01/20 Direct Link
"John woke up one morning to find nothing around him. That is to say, no bedroom, no bed, no floor, no ground, no sky, no moon, no sun. He was just in a place.

"A note floated in front of his vision. It read, Sorry, John. I had to borrow your space for a while. I'll bring it right back. Just go to sleep again. Signed, God.

"So John went back to sleep. Everything's okay....

"Some time later he awoke. His space had returned. Everything was back to normal.

"He was supposed to forget what had happened--but he didn't."
01/21 Direct Link
MY TYPICAL DAY, IN SEQUENTIAL MODIFIED BOOLEAN

AWAKE AND SMOKE AND (SHOWER AND [SHAVE OR NOT SHAVE] AND [WASH-HAIR OR NOT WASH-HAIR] OR NOT) AND (BREAKFAST OR NOT BREAKFAST) AND COFFEE AND ([LEAVE AND WORK {OR THIS OR THAT OR T'OTHER}] OR NOT LEAVE) AND LUNCH (OR SANDWICHES OR PIZZA OR BURGER OR MACARONI) AND SMOKE AND (IF WORK THEN COFFEE AND WORK [OR THIS OR THAT OR T'OTHER]) AND DINNER (OR FISH OR CHICKEN OR PASTA) AND TALK AND SMOKE AND (COMPUTER OR MOVIE OR TELEVISION OR (COMPUTER AND TELEVISION) AND SMOKE AND SLEEP AND (DREAM OR NOT DREAM)
01/22 Direct Link
MY TYPICAL DAY, IN SEQUENTIAL MODIFIED BOOLEAN

AWAKE AND SMOKE AND (SHOWER AND [SHAVE OR NOT SHAVE] AND [WASH-HAIR OR NOT WASH-HAIR] OR NOT) AND (BREAKFAST OR NOT BREAKFAST) AND COFFEE AND ([LEAVE AND WORK {OR THIS OR THAT OR T'OTHER}] OR NOT LEAVE) AND LUNCH (OR SANDWICHES OR PIZZA OR BURGER OR MACARONI) AND SMOKE AND (IF WORK THEN COFFEE AND WORK [OR THIS OR THAT OR T'OTHER]) AND DINNER (OR FISH OR CHICKEN OR PASTA) AND TALK AND SMOKE AND (COMPUTER OR MOVIE OR TELEVISION OR (COMPUTER AND TELEVISION) AND SMOKE AND SLEEP AND (DREAM OR NOT DREAM)
01/23 Direct Link
Rosy-fingered dawn spread over Brown's Funtastic Circuscarnival, and Discord sliced through it.

Foopsie woke her husband. "Papa Clown, aie! Li'l PooPoo says he's running away!"

Papa Clown grunted, "Where to?"

"He says he's running off ... to join a bank!"

"Aie!"

Emergency meeting.

"I'm sick of this boring circus life!" cried PooPoo. "I want excitement! I want to be a derivatives trader!"

"Son, be serious for a moment. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Why would you want such uncertainty, anxiety and responsibility?"

PooPoo packed his stuff. His mother pleaded. Poopoo left the family fold, and became famous.
01/24 Direct Link
It has come to my attention that due to the strictures imposed on these my artworks I use almost no adjectives. Therefore please liberally sprinkle the following ones randomly amongst the preceding 300,000 words or so.

Colourful, virtual, insignificant, actual, precisely, blue, green, red, orange, vermillion, verdigris, crayola, stinking, absolute, glassy, plasticky, rubbery, pliable, contrived, rigid, blank, constipated, sticky, smelly, wooden, metallic, squeaky, crunchy, floating, paperish, slow, fast, mid-tempo, loud, quiet, multifaceted, organized, ringing, compact, loose, hard, soft, scattered, dull, happy, insulting, deadly, German, first, close-set, five, ugly, white, sorrowful, ripe, shrieking, mad, dancing, long, boiling, brilliant, charred, empty, full.
01/25 Direct Link
I thought I was having a heart attack sitting there at cash and then Bill said, "Can I go out for a smoke?" and I gasped, "Sure, of course," and I gripped the counter as he got his coat. He said, "You feeling okay?" and I said, "Sure, just go," and when he was gone I grabbed my arm which was hurting like hell and then I puked all over the register and I knew I was dying. I had last words to say--but Bill was out smoking--and I had no-one to say them to.

-pour 'la skeltonque'
01/26 Direct Link
A gang of creeps chose noon Sunday to descend upon my mansion, attempting to murder me and my cat. As I remember, I was slicing up some raw veal for Piddles when I heard something that sounded like a single sharp Knock! at the door. I stopped, knifeblade safely down against the cutting board, and awaited illumination as to the noise's source (assuming uncertainly that I wasn't hearing the Knock! of brain cells influxed with cocaine bidding the cruel world goodbye). The next noise was the door opening--I never lock the door--and in came the gang of creeps.
01/27 Direct Link
She was just sitting there, reading convincingly. I almost believed she was actually reading, which, admittedly, she may have been doing. Her eyes--I watched--were moving rapidly left-to-right and then--even more rapidly--they darted to the beginning of the next line. She was convincing in this rhythm, for I knew that other people--myself included--read that way, one line at a time. (Though the mind tricks itself through practice to ignore the breaks in the line, at least as far as prose is concerned. Poetry, on the other hand, can stress the line.) And she was crying.
01/28 Direct Link
Suicide Prevention Day typo raises nation's IQ


A serious error in a press release from the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention has resulted in the suicidal deaths of one fifth of the population.

Announcing electronically National Suicide Prevention Day, the author, Dr. Lewis Smedgely, inadvertently left out the word 'prevention,' and thus all our citizenry passionately and zealously obedient to any and all governmental dictates killed themselves upon noting it was calendrically 'National Suicide Day.'

In an emergency address, President Robert Gates mentioned the Adultery Bible, and the press gallery for the first time ever understood a literary reference.
01/29 Direct Link
Bob and Job were heading away from the poolhall, joshing and joking and elbowing and nudging wittily. Just then they were passed on both left and right two guys, and one said,

"That's not what I wanna be. I wanna be recovering."

Bob or Job heard this statement clearly, but he didn't let on that he had. He looked at the two guys. They were walking really fast. They didn't look like heroin junkies but Bob or Job knew they were in fact were. Yet from behind they were almost ... stylish. The one who wanted to recover looked nice.
01/30 Direct Link
-Bob, gimme some face here.
-Yes, Mr. President.
-Explain something to me.
-Certainly.
-Why'd everyone so pissed off? I mean, the deficit's bigger than ever.
-Well, that's a problem.
-What?
-It's a problem.
-I thought it was a good thing.
-No. It's like borrowing money.
-What? I thought it meant we had more money.
-Entirely the opposite, sir.
-Damn! Guess I was making a mistake skipping all that remedial math.
-It's all good.
-Anything to be done about it?
-I guess stop spending money.
-Let me be clear.
-Hmm?
-Oh, I'm sorry. Thought I was talking to a child there.
01/31 Direct Link
Rory went off with his couple-friends Dan and Lisa to Dan's familial cottage for the first time. Rory was, of course, partnerless--he just wasn't a very attractive guy, for some reason.

Dan's parents were friendly folks. Rory shook Dan's father's hand. Dan's father had a strong, masculine grip.

Dan and Lisa went off to get changd into swimsuits.

Dan's father eyed Rory up and down and said, "So, Rory, do you have a ... a partner?"

Rory heard what he was asking. "No," he said.
Then, quickly: "I fuck Lisa pretty regularly, though."
Then, sotto voce: "Don't tell Dan."