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09/01 Direct Link

Amazing that I can get up in the morning and by the time I get to work I've got a structure for a whole story. Not all the details, of course, but.

All in the structure of job reviews and terminations, the career of a young demon in Hell. He fails in his work, somehow, repeatedly. Not sure what happens in the end. He gets bounced from department to department willynilly.

The germ for the thing was me worried about losing my job, and wondering how I'll react to that when it comes. It's mastery of anxiety, like Freud says.
09/02 Direct Link
RETURN OF THE RED-HAIRED GIRL

My destination being the great outdoors for a smoke, I got onto one of the elevators of the building in which I slave. Two floors down the door opened, and the Red-Haired Girl got on. I was trapped. She was going out for a cigarette, too.

And so we went outside together.

As it turned out, we'd gone to the same university at the same time (in the early 90s).

Finally we finished smoking, and I got away as quickly as possible.

This, now I can't go out that particular door to smoke anymore.

Rats!

09/03 Direct Link
"Suicide by Saab"

Because there weren't any cars coming I rode through a red light. A cop stopped me on the other side.

"Whoa there. That was a red light."

"There were no cars."

"But you have to stop."

"Okay, okay. From now on I'll stop."

"It's much safer that way. Don't want to end up like that bike courier, do we?"

I said, "That was totally different. He attacked someone."

"I suppose so."

"And tried to rip his head off."

"Perhaps."

"I'm not like that."

"No."

"How can you know what your attacker intends?"

"Beats me, sir. Beats me."

09/04 Direct Link
"And do I look like some emotionally incontinent loser?"

"Non, peut-être pas."

"Do I look like one of his fellow losers, you know, the ones who ruckussed on Bloor Street?"

"Per niente, signore."

"Can you imagine me grabbing the steering wheel of a car and forcing it to the left, into mailboxes etcetera?"

"Ik kan niet dat veronderstellen, nr."

"Can you see me so despairing I would risk my life for no fucking reason?"

"Sprache, Sprache."

"I'll stop at lights from now on."

"Aquele é o espírito."

"Do you-all cops think like I do?"

"I can't answer that question, sir."

09/05 Direct Link
[Things my cat forced me to believe]

My cat has been building a rather complicated and sophisticated machine, mainly out of soft materials. Using it, she can force other people (well, only myself, as far as I can tell) to believe whatever she wants them to believe. Rather clever for a cat, don't you think? For instance, yesterday, she made me believe that I myself had helped her build the machine. Don't ask me precisely how I contributed to the machine; I think it had something to do with a pulley.

And she only works on her machine in the middle of the night. What a cat!

09/06 Direct Link
Avid Jew-haters Naomi, John, and Jane decided to go to Iran to research its exemplary Jew-hatred. They were arrested at the airport because Naomi was a Jew, John was a homosexual, and Jane was pretty much naked.

Their trials happened without their knowledge and they were sentenced to death.

Naomi was buried up to her neck. Before being stoned she said, "How can this be?"

Before John was hung, he cried, "My psychosis can't handle this!"

And Jane, before she was shot, cried, "We must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque! This can't be Iran, it's gotta be Israel!"

09/07 Direct Link
BOOK REVIEW

I'm reading a book of articles originally published in seventeen magazine between 1960 and 1970. It's called Interviews With Movie Stars and Superstars.

The most striking aspect of the book is how sophisticated the interviews are. Compared to today's seventeen magazine and, say, Entertainment Tonight, this stuff is Kierkegaard. (Kierkegaard gets mentioned, by the way, by Shelley Berman.)

This stuff were written for seventeen-year-old girls? The interviews are melancholy and focus on the trope many failures, few successes.

Culture took a wrong turn somewhere around 1970. Everything's been infantilized since then. Adulthood's no longer desired.

I can't drive.

09/08 Direct Link
Desacralization

Step right up, step right up, parts, parts, who wants body parts, we've got arms and legs for less than an arm and a leg, Behold! our newest model, new for 2010, the TrueArm, a beautiful replacement part, everyone's a winner, legs, need a leg? new models coming soon, organs, we all want organs, we got hearts, we got livers and lungs, you name it we got it, we got stomachs, spleens, penises, intestines, bowels, we got brains, tongues, eyes, ears-

What's that? A soul? You want a new soul? Ahhh, get away from me kid, you bother me....

09/09 Direct Link
THE TARNISHED FALCON

CHAPTER ONE: LONG ROAD HOME

Once, in a small town in--

Blast! I've run out of room to complete my novel.... Once again I have discovered the truth of the saying, Failing to plan is planning to fail.... Oh dear me, won't I ever learn? Now the reader will never read the touching tale I had planned.... They'll never hear my perfect, verily mathematical, proof of why all love fades.... Why do I never plan these things out properly?... Another work of genius destroyed ... utterly destroyed.... I suppose I'll just have to start again ... tomorrow....

09/10 Direct Link
Jack and Jill went up the hill
So Jill could suck Jack's cocker
Bill showed up, Jill sucked him too
And they all came in spurtings of laughter

Hickory dickery dunt
A mouse ran up my cunt
He struck my G and he struck my U
Hickery dickery dunt

Come to bed, Tom
Come to bed, Tom
Randy or not, Tom
Come to bed, Tom

Jack Sprat could eat no twat
His wife could eat no crème
So between the two of them
They fucked the vaseline
Pat-a-cheek, pat-a-cheek, spanky man
Make me all red as fast as you can

09/11 Direct Link
Q: What is 'Suffication Disorder'?

A: Suffocation Disorder is the opposite of Abandonment Anxiety.

Q: How does it manifest itself?

A: It manifests itself in a combination of common agoraphobia, common egomania, and common silence.

Q: That's an awful lot of common things, isn't it?

A: Yes, but put them all together and it's a lethal cocktail.

Q: What if there's only two?

A: Then it's not Suffocation Disorder. Look, can I go now?

Q: How often does it have to occur for a diagnosis?

A: I don't know, five times or so!

Q: What if, Where did you go?

09/12 Direct Link
SPOTTED - Saintman in the flesh
(In Yorkville, natch!)
Noshing with a mystery woman
(Sources x her 'Daphne')
Brunch on Sunday
(Aftermass?)
Post the première of his biopic and he all garbed so mojonastically in simple tan 'n' tugs
--"Are you finding people to heal here in T.O., Saintman?"
--"I am wounded."
RUMOUR HAS IT
After the red carpet, Saintman (real name Thomas Deere of Florida) zipped to poor PARKDALE ... to be beneficial! while docudirector ZIP CONRAD took the helm to ans qs.
SAINTMAN: I can only pass through this world once.
ME: You're forgetting DVD rights!

09/13 Direct Link
We were hanging around the shop, I was in the front and Jim and Ken were in the back, when a man came in. He started bibble-babbling at me.

I said, "Huh?"

He bibble-babbled some more.

"Jim, Ken, come out here. This guy's a bibble-babbler. Bibble-babble some more."

The man bibble-babbled some more.

Ken said, "Think it's a language of some sort?"

"I really don't know."

Jim said, "Bibble-babble, bibble-babble."

"Don't make fun of him."

Ken said, "Oh wait a second. I think it's French!"

"There's a French language? They speak English in the movies."

"Nah, that's just dubbing."

"What?"

09/14 Direct Link
One night Billy decided to try something new. He decided to have sex with twelve different people in a single day.

He chose a Saturday.

He went out at 11:30 Friday night. He went to a bar, found someone, and they had sex out in the alleyway.

At 2:30 AM, he found two people who were just heading home. He went home with them.

6 AM: someone hung over almost senseless.

By noon there'd been three more people, one of whom he met at Mass.

He reached his goal at 10 PM.

Maybe I should try it in alphabetical order.

09/15 Direct Link
This one's true.

Three years ago Mary and I were in Cape Breton in a car with Mary's parents. We stopped at a dirt road intersection. There were five or six crows standing in the field beside the road.

Mary's father said, "You know, crows are the smartest birds."

"I didn't know that," I said.

"Yeah, they are. You can learn a lot from watching them. They're peobably smarter than cats, too." He rolled down the window and cried, "Caw! Caw!"

And one of the crows said, "Sir, your accent is atrocious."

The other crows looked, and nodded in agreement.

09/16 Direct Link
Publishing magnate 'Skip' Thomson bellowed his staff in.

"Boys," he cried, "We're in a crisis."

'Inky' Jones said, "What is it, chief?"

'Skip' slowly and solemnly stated, "The descriptive paragraphs have gone on strike."

"What?"

"They refuse to show up for work."

"Wh-what's that mean to our midcult list?"

"Done for."

"But-but what will all our university educated illiterate audience do? What'll they chatter about?"

"You're breaking my heart, boy."

"Without all that empty-calorie filler, what's Ragwart Meatwood's newest look like?"

"Dropped from 593 pages ... to 3."

"A-and Michael Fugazi's The Vivisectionist's Second Cousin?"

"Boys, it's ... 100 words."

09/17 Direct Link
People on the Moon

'Doc' Newton (PhD) turned, just in the nick of time, alerted by the signal 'grunt' of a moon-monster. He quickly trained his raygun on the hulking beast, and blasted it though its upper heart.

His lissome assistant, Margo 'Steel' Magillicuddy, emerged from behind a moon-rock. "Wow, 'Doc,' that was a close one!"

'Doc' sneered, "Almost too close."

Suddenly another moon-monster appeared from behind a rock, grunt, grunt, grunt.

"Stand back!"

Newton took careful aim and fired. The moon-monster was dead.

'Steel' cried, "What's with these moon-monsters? Why are they so angry?"

"It's a long story, Steel.

09/18 Direct Link


"In 2019, it was decided by the folks of the United States to start populating the moon, with people. And so there was a tremendous rush to send them off here. But no-one was prepared for the revelation that there was a whole lot of moon-life living under the surface of the moon. The tents and stuff were all set up on the moon-surface around 2028, and then, the moon-monsters started to harass the citizens. Total war was declared against the moon-monsters subsequently. In 2041. So now I'm a kind of marshall fighting against these nasty and mostly undefined things."

09/19 Direct Link
'Steel' exclaimed, "I read about all that in history class, but I never heard it put so well."

'Doc' said, "You have to know lots of history if you're going to be a moon-sheriff."

"What's your degree in, anyway?"

"Advanced Physics."

"Wow! I am impressed!"

"Other than lissome assistants, those are the only people sent out here to this moon-habitation."

"Does this moon-suit look good on me?"

"You look very attractive. If I wasn't secretly a homosexual there would be a chance that we could camp down together and have a passel of moon-children."

"Look out! There, behind you!"

"Thanks."

09/20 Direct Link
Three years--it's been three long years since I last laid eyes upon the monster--and here it is before me again--with its bloody maw, its slimy yellow matty hair--and I recalled with a twisted smile a poem of juvenilia I had composed and had published, about a cricket left alive only to later drive people stark raving mad--and I knew that in showing mercy to this MONSTER I had sealed my own doom--and now I am living in utter fear of what the morning might bring--because she and I are trapped--together--forever--forever-

09/21 Direct Link
MY EXPERIENCE

ARDEN: hallway, kitchen, dining room, den, back hallway, washroom, basement bedroom, furnace room, living room, bedroom, bedroom, bedroom, bathroom, mine.

HOWARD PARK: (hallway, kitchen, diningroom, den, back-hallway, washroom, basement-bedroom, furnace-room, living-room, bedroom, bedroom, bedroom, bathroom) porch, two living rooms, stairs, bedroom, bedroom, kitchen, sun room, bedroom, mine.

DOVERCOURT: [(hallway-kitchen-dining-room-den-back-hallway-washroom-basement-bedroom-furnace-room-living-room-bedroom-bedroom-bedroom-bathroom) porch, two-living-rooms, stairs, bedroom, bedroom, kitchen, sun-room, bedroom] attic rooms, stairs, front bedroom, bedroom, bathroom, back bedroom, stairs, front hallway, kitchen, basement, living room, mine.

HAVELOCK: {[(hallway-kitchen-dining-room-den-back-hallway-washroom-basement-bedroom-furnace-room-living-room-bedroom-bedroom-bedroom-bathroom) porch-two-living-rooms-stairs-bedroom-bedroom-kitchen-sunroom-bedroom] attic-rooms, stairs, front-bedroom, bedroom, bathroom, back-bedroom, stairs, front-hallway, kitchen, basement, living-room} front hall, living room, living room, kitchen, basement, bathroom, ours.

09/22 Direct Link
I had prepared for the long journey: three sandwiches, a bottle of pasteurized milk, a paper bag of apples, cookies wrapped in cell-o-phane. The train trip was set to last for just under twenty-three hours, cows willing. It had been three long years overseas. I looked out, into the station, but all I could see was her.

Time passed as the train went overland.

I knocked on the door. Then I knocked again. She came then, adjusting her hair. "I wasn't expecting you til tomorrow." I went straight to our bedroom, pulling her behind me. The bedroom closet door creaked.

09/23 Direct Link
VISITING THE HERMIT

I went up to our town hermitage to visit our hermit. I asked him, "How did you wind up being a hermit?"

"As I went through my life, I noticed more and more that I preferred to be alone. All social situations seemed a little too intimate no matter how many or few people were involved. I chose to accept it, and have lived thusly since then. Why do you ask?"

I said, "It's because I think I've ruined my life."

He laughed and said, "Don't pretend things are better than they are, and you'll be fine."

09/24 Direct Link
PANEL

On the left hand side there's a line that goes down to a corner and then goes over and up. Squiggles fill the space. Six nearly parallel descend from there; the two left and right join while the middle drops and splits in two, with little horizontal ovals at bottom.

On the right there's a circle and below that a bigger oval with two lines heading left; at the bottom of all that there's four lines bottomed with two horizontal ovals.

From the circle on the right there's a line, and beside it are the words It's your fault

09/25 Direct Link
Ooh, I'm so hot for books! The folks at Arden Press, who have provided the world with the only really good editions of the plays of William Shakespeare (cf. the total rubbish Oxford and Gary Wells have been pushing), are going the total text-variants-notes technique on other English pre-Cromwell plays. Means that Everyman, Renegado, Duchess of Malfi, Philaster, and Mankind will be elucidatable. I wonder what copytext is available for something like the incunable Mankind? Oh well, I'm totally crazed with desire for good editions of these playtexts. Expect a couple incomprehesible references to these major major works in 2009-2012.

09/26 Direct Link
ONCE upon a time there met a bad man and a good woman. They fell in love and decided to share their dispositions fifty-fifty; he became half-good and she became half-bad. So they stole and they beat and they adulterated their relationship and they tossed children into rivers and they murdered an old woman and they littered and they committed arson and they threw bombs and they raped men and women and they cursed God and they disobeyed one another and they murdered triplets and whole families and they bragged and they were caught and they were executed. The end.

09/27 Direct Link
I was going back into the lab late one afternoon, having enjoyed a cigar in the abysmal rain upon a carapace of the castle, and, quite unexpectly, there it was before me--the thing I'd been avoiding for nine entire days--the monster! It was shuffling off outside, grunting as it went, and pulling down upon its face ... sunglasses! I tossed a backward glance--it was near-night!--and, fortunately, the monster had passed, and our eyes had not met.... I shuddered bones on sinews and tendons, at having so narrowly escaped.... But what was to come, how to survive?

09/28 Direct Link
One of my fans complained because I don't use colours as adjectives. Feel free to chaotically sprinkle through all my works the following Crayola colours. Don't ever say I never did you a favour.

black
blue
brown
green
orange
red
violet
yellow
apricot
bittersweet
blue-green
blue-violet
brick-red
burnt-sienna
carnation-pink
cornflower
flesh
gold
gray
green-blue
green-yellow
lemon-yellow
magenta
mahogany
maize
maroon
melon
olive-green
orange-red
orange-yellow
orchid
periwinkle
pine-green
Prussian-blue
Red-orange
Red-violet
salmon
sea-green
silver
spring green
tan
thistle
turquoise-blue
violet-blue
violet-red
white
yellow-green
yellow-orange
aquamarine
blue-gray
burnt-orange
cadet-blue
copper
forest-green
goldenrod
Indian-red
lavender
mulberry
navy blue
plum
raw-sienna
raw-umber
sepia
sky-blue

09/29 Direct Link
V/O

The Catholic Church today announced that it had produced a film intended to represent the Sacrosanctum Consilium, a document created during the Second Vatican Council with the intent of encouraging participation in the liturgy of the church, through adaptation to modern life, through the promotion of Christian union, and through the strengthening of congregation. In a SHOCKING development, it was noted that Cannibal Holocaust is ALSO a film, with its scenes of rape, murder, impalement, and cruelty towards animals. Some say this is NO coincidence, given the history of Catholicism. Pope Benedict XVI could not be reached for comment.
09/30 Direct Link
We played trivia at the M-t earlier this evening. We certainly didn't do as well as we did last time - mainly because last time we won and this time we lost. K-e and A-x were on my team. We tanked on the Saturday Morning Cartoons category, getting only 5 of 15. In the Art round, we came 'round, with 14/15. We were thus even with our compañeros, S-a, G-F, and K-n. But that wasn't enough--both teams were absent the scoreboard at halftime--yet we struggled on--but neither the random round nor '90s Action Movies could save us.