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06/01 Direct Link
THE KULESHOV EFFECT I: SCENES OF A HUMOUROUS NATURE


In the Gallery of Modern Art, Hugo said to Estelle, "A five year old kid could go that."

Karin got closer to the house. She heard what sounded like laughter from inside. "I guess the party's started without me."

"Here, I got something neat to show you," said Mikey as he opened the glove box with his right hand.

"Geronimo, look out below!" cried Phyllis as she jumped off the Reservoir Rock.

The train was slowing as it entered the station. Bill laughed and said, "Wait till you meet my parents!"
06/02 Direct Link
NEWS

Welcome back. Remember those children who went off to the Holy Land to recapture Jerusalem from the Saracens early spring? High were the hopes in European circles that their charms and, well, boyish good looks would win over the hearts and minds of the Musselmen. Well, you've probably been wondering what they've been up to in the last year. Today, the Pope Innocent III himself received an envoy from the sons of Saladin upon an entourage of a hundred camels and fifty elephants. The message read, in full, "Thanks for the appetizer; when may we expect the main course?"
06/03 Direct Link
NOT WANTING TO BE ON THE VOYAGE

CHAPTER ONE


WHEN I read the famous noticesóyou know the ones: BIG FLOOD COMING! ROOM FOR ONLY TWO OF EACH KINE!óI considered, at first, applying. Then I heard from a neighbour that Hugo, that macho asshole, was a shoo-in. So I got into training instead.

I became a great swimmer.

THEN the flood came. I swam and swam and swam, for a whole bunch of days and nights, some hundred altogether. I pushed my body to its limits. Then I found ground. I'd made it! I had survived the great flood!
06/04 Direct Link
NOT WANTING TO BE ON THE VOYAGE

CHAPTER TWO


HAVING survived the flood, I decided to look for the big boat. There it was, high on a mountain. They were unloading. I saw Hugo and his wife. Hugo, I noticed, was totally out of shape after doing nothing for so very long.

SO I beat the shit out of him and stole his wife!

HE starved to death. Fuckin' sweet!

I ran into Noah later and I quipped, "It's like the last did enter first!" He said, "I like the sound of that. Can I use it?" I said, "Sure!"
06/05 Direct Link
"Calling calling this is car 93 in pursuit! '95 Buick! occupant has killed a dozen at Stimpson Mall! has taken three hostages! also suspect in four home invasions! on Chesterton South heading north just crossing Brick! FUCK he just shot a hostage! can see him ripping her head off! he's chucked the head out the window! crossing Jones! BLAM and BLAM other two dead! dumped out back! swerving to avoid! OH FUCK!"

"What?"

"He's heading for a, straight for a, FUCK!"

"Come in, car!"

"The fucker's parked, gone into a church!! Sanctuary!!"

"Shit. Well, can't touch him now. Stand down...."
06/06 Direct Link
"Well, auto manufacturing is essentially a distraction, really, considering what there is on the plate in terms of internet law, youth participation, and medicare reform."

"Well, internet law is essentially a distraction, really, considering what there is on the plate in terms of medicare reform, auto manufacture, and youth participation."

"Well, youth participation is essentially a distraction, really, considering what there is on the plate in terms of medicare reform, auto manufacturing, and internet law."

"Well, medicare reform is essentially a distraction, really, considering what there is on the plate in terms of internet law, youth participation, and auto manufacturing."
06/07 Direct Link
I thought, naturally, it was stomach cancer or some such, so I went to the doctor after two days of the same nausea, and she ran some tests and told me I was pregnant. I said how could that be? I'm sixty-three! She said she didn't know, but it was a fact. I said, I haven't slept with anyone for almost a year! She shrugged and even offered to take a picture of it.

I got bigger and bigger. People were more nice to me. If only they'd known all the details!

Kelly is three now; she's healthy and happy.
06/08 Direct Link
Back in the late seventies I saw a tent caterpillar population boom. It was up on Bala Park Island. There were millions upon millions everywhere. Unless you swept them away they'd easily cover half the dock. At night you could hear them fall off the trees and on the roof. We had it on good information from people with memories that it was a cyclical phenomenon that occurred every ten years or so. It lasted for about a week, then they were gone.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I wonder how such a thing would be taken today?

Harp glissando, picture goes all twisty....
06/09 Direct Link
Prime Minister Harper's failure to tackle climate change is taking its toll on the Muskoka region, where an unprecedented storm of tent caterpillars is threatening to destroy the area forever.

"This is what we get for our selfishness," said Duffy McStrich of the Environmental Summit. "The planet's sick, and Harper's making it sicker."

A carbon-denier who wished to remain anonymous said, "This is natural. It happens every ten years or so."

The denier is named Jack Wendy, and he lives at 265 Ascot Drive. A protest outside his house is expected to start at 10 a.m. tomorrow on the dot.
06/10 Direct Link
STRAW DOGS

ROBBINS and SARANDON in the Alleghenies writing a musical based on one of Clifford Odetsí greatest bowel movements. WORKMEN outside constructing a turbine which in one day will generate enough to move the Prius a quarter-inch.

ROBBINS typing. SARANDON enters.
-Timmy!
-Yes, Ms Sarandon!
-Those workers think Iím a slut just because Iíll strip for virtually any director!
-Men!
-I donít peel for under $10.99 plus taxes!
-Men!

WORKMEN have invaded cabin.
ROBBINS: Iím warning you! Iíll use me Grade Eleven vocabulary if you come any closer!
WORKMEN shoot ROBBINS.
WORKMEN rape SARANDON, who comes to an apotheosis.
06/11 Direct Link
The alarm clock (an iPod on "shuffle" in a dock on a radio) may go off at different times each morning, but after that, it's always the same.

Go into other room, put on yesterday's shirt, get lighter from pants, downstairs for cigarettes, down more stairs to bathroom and smoke. Shower, rubber-tip my teeth. Make sandwiches. (Bread, butter, cheese, pastrami.)

Upstairs for clean shirt, pants, socks. Floss and brush teeth.

Downstairs again for jacket, book, wallet, etc. Then I'm out the door. The bicycle or the streetcar's the next step.

THAT, in total, is where I get my ideas from.
06/12 Direct Link
I THINK DAVE BERG COVERED THIS CIRCA 1974


I went into the new SuperStore down the street today. Acres and acres.

I took my stuff up to Register 27 and said to the old guy cashiering, "Too bad they tore down all those quaint Mom-n-Pop stores for this, huh?"

He said, "I owned one of those shops."

"Wow! You must hate this place!"

"Better hours, more pay, fewer headaches. Big cash payment, too."

"But, that shop was yours and yours alone!"

"Yeah, well."

"What shop was yours?"

"Eastern Grocery. Did you ever come in?"

"Just once; everything was so expensive!"
06/13 Direct Link
Yeah, I know, so listen: you seen these stretch limos and these stretch SUVs rolling around town? Yeah? Know what I'm talking about? I mean, they're huge, they're like buses, you, you could put about nine of David Letterman's girlfriends in one of those, along with all their babysitters, know what I mean? So what it is with those things? It looks like you put some folks into one of them and they suddenly become like Jethro and Elly May, WOO-HOO! YEE-HAW! hooting and hollering, half expect when they open the door some chickens or a pig will jump out....
06/14 Direct Link
I was checking out the Roman Coliseum the other afternoon when a guy came by, and he said to me, "Nice joint."

I said, "Thanks! I didn't know my trousers were tight enough for anyone to notice."

"No, I mean, it's a big joint."

I smiled and said, "Hey, man, don't be shy. It's okay if you were checking out my genitals. A lot of straight men get nervous when homosexuals come on to them, but I'm not like that. I take it as a compliment!"

He shook his head and walked away. But I showed him! I'm no homophobe!
06/15 Direct Link
The horse's name was Carrie, and I rode her for an entire summer out near London when I was twelve. She was fast, faster than the wind's whistles. She jumped fences so cleanly I hardly noticed the motion. I learned more about life in five minutes on her than in the last five years of my adult life. She loved carrots, but she loved apples more, cores and all. She was to be bred the following summer; I think she knew that was going to happen. We'd ride like light for miles, then return to the farmhouse for good eating.
06/16 Direct Link
The number must be reaching somewheres around a thousand by now--yes, a whole thousand people have said to me, literally, "John, John, John, you've written so much--much more than anyone else who has ever lived or will live--so why haven't you written a science fiction novel yet? Okay, so here we go:

A SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL

I went down to the repair shop to see if they'd fixed my rocket ship yet. While I was there I met a woman who had exactly the same rocket ship--make, model and colour--as me! And so we were married.
06/17 Direct Link
Things I Know About Certain People


A certain person I know was given a puppy for his ninth birthday and the puppy was run over by a car next day.

A certain woman I know gets an erotic charge from eating food that's fallen on the floor.

A certain man I know has no driver's license but drives almost every day.

A certain person I know once owned an experimental car with two engines.

A certain woman I know believes wholeheartedly she will be killed with an axe.

A certain man I know counts sixteen ghosts as friends on Facebook.
06/18 Direct Link
ET IN ARCADIA EGO


Next day, Rabbit and Puppy were sick of reading school books, and so they wanted to race.

"Let us race!" called Rabbit.

"Yes!" called Puppy.

And so they raced, mad as they could, Rabbit and Puppy.

Puppy led, racing up Cocoa Hill.

Rabbit came next, racing up Cocoa Hill.

Puppy fell back as they passed Mr. John's house.

Rabbit turned and called, "I'm winning!"

Puppy called, "Look out!"

It was too late! Rabbit ran into a pole and fell down!

He was in a deep sleep!

Puppy cried, "Rabbit! Wake up! Please! Come, let us play!"
06/19 Direct Link
Heather was walking through the overgrown fields near her grandparents' farmhouse when she heard what sounded like a whimpering coming from an abandoned Volkwagen Type 2 bus surrounded by a thousand weeds and flowers.

It cried, "Help me, I'm here, abandoned but still useful; with a little work I could purr and hum along any highway! Heather, don't you remember when I carried you to the beach? It was such fun! I want to be with you again!"

However, Heather didn't hear any of this, because it was all in Volkswagen language. She continued walking. Just some bugs, she thought.
06/20 Direct Link
Reginald lay aside his quill, leaned back in his chair and smiled broadly. "Helene, come here," he called.

Helene came into the room. "Yes, Reginald?"

Reginald held up the six manuscript sheets. "I have finished my essay on the early church; Christianity will be destroyed forever!"

"Oh, how wonderful!"

"I must deliver it to the Tatler without delay! Tempus fugit et carpe diem, my dear!"

"Please fetch a leg of mutton on your return, Reginald."

"Mutton? Please, we are going up in the world, and our diet has to rise along with it. I'll buy ... lamb!"

"You're my hero!"
06/21 Direct Link
I was all ready, I'd been tumbling in Trois-Rivieres for a couple years, busking for whoever passed through (tons of business near the bus station) and so I thought I had a shot.

I went to Montreal to see if I could join the troupe. I went the the Cirque offices. It was all surrounded by cops and medical people.

I asked a cop. "What happened?"

He said, "They all killed themselves apparently. Cyanide tablets."

My dreams were crushed! Cirque du Soleil was actually a death cult!

I started my own troupe. Powerful in the Laurentians. Come see us sometime.
06/22 Direct Link
I don't get it. There's a spot, about a centimetre square, in my brain in which nothing happens. It's a dead spot (in oceanographical terms). I try to use it, but no dice.

I wonder what it's for. I wonder what's in there, this space I have no access to. There could be some good ideas in there, in that centimetre square.

It must contain stuff I allude to but don't explicitly mention. It is probably the root of my unconscious or subconscious (depending on your terminology). That little spot busts out like the Starchild. You know, like in 2001.
06/23 Direct Link
THE FIFTY-FIVE THINGS THAT REALLY REALLY PUZZLE ME

Sand.
Light.
Candy.
Compact Disc encoding.
Permeability.
Other languages.
Germination.
Photography.
Hydrogen.
Fingernails.
Alliteration.
Fabrics like silk.
People named Henry.
Cats.
Plastic.
Temperature.
Wind.
Other planets.
Smallness.
Bigness.
The French Revolution.
Glass in its liquid state.
Electricity.
Automobiles.
Fire.
Sex & violence.
Boxes.
Thunderstorms.
Magazines and books.
Living.
Sidedness.
Velocity.
Broadway musicals.
The centre of the Earth.
Other centres.
Vectors.
The Rolling Stones.
Cabling.
Venetian blinds.
Rubber.
Circles.
Wood.
Newspapers.
Very big buildings.
Archaeology.
The Internet.
Explosives.
Cameras.
Sitting and standing.
Rhythm & Blues.
Spelling rules.
Twist ties.
Coats.
Doorways.
Other people.
06/24 Direct Link
Best practical joke? Well, a long time ago there was a website called Wikipedia. It was full of articles about every thing, and folks could change the information. So this buddy of mine, Jimmy, made up a little program to reverse all the dates on historical articles, making the earliest event the latest and the latest event the earliest. So the Big Bang happened the day before, and yesterday happened, like, ten billion years ago. Everyone were born before their parents were! Great stunt. He wouldn't tell 'em how he did it, so they killed him. Wikipedia never was repaired.
06/25 Direct Link
The Death of Michael Jackson

He's gone, Michael Jackson's gone away
He's gone, Michael Jackson's gone away
Something black was calling him that no money honey could sway

The whole earth is singing and mourning the poor man
The whole earth's a-singing and mourning this poor man
And death will visit everyone someday, and death will come your way, and life's a slivered span

He ran from his shadow in the way that he played
He ran from his shadow the way that he played
'Til he ran 'round the world so fast he fine'ly crashed in' his own shade
06/26 Direct Link
Ehhh, these kids today, they don't have any imagination, not like we kids did seventy years ago, see? The things they got, they're all spelled out and prefabricated for 'em, where's the invention in that? Storebought limited stuff, thought up by some research and development joint in Los Angeles or Tokyo an' sold by the truckful by Madison Avenue. Way back when, we had to make it all up, we didn't have our heads filled with whatever The Man wanted us to believe. Nowadays you can see the glazed looks in their eyes whenever they're told to imagine. Books, feh.
06/27 Direct Link
The Terrace at Night

'Twas on a fair September night
The roller rink I went despite
The presence of the hoi and roy
In search of pleasures to enjoy;

And there she was, with custom rims,
And I heard high angelic hymns,
We skated arms acrossed around--
The Bee Gees played our fav'rite sounds.

And cotton candy stuffed us quick,
And drank some scotch til we felt sick;
Our lips did near: "Thou!" "Me!" "My!" "Thine!"
When in her mouth I puked, and she in mine!

We were in love! We weren't disgusted!
We'd met our soul mates fully trusted!
06/28 Direct Link
I was sleeping on the couch in the booth when the musicians let themselves in. Singer (as he turned out to be) said, "Hey, man, we're here for the gig."

"Right. Just set yourselves up, okay?"

The band went into the pit and set up drums, two guitars, a bass, a mic. I looked at the clock and yawned.

Guitar came into the booth. "Bass player's got an equalization idea, worked out logarithmically."

"Cool, set it up."

Guitar messed with the board, went back out.

He signalled.

I pressed record.

The record turned out great.

I'm such a fucking genius!
06/29 Direct Link
I am red haired. I am very red haired.

Thus
I bruise easily
I need more anaesthetic.
Muhammad dyed his hair red (with henna).
The jilted Menalaus had red hair.
Redheads are highly sexed.
I burn incredibly easily, and there's a higher than average chance for skin cancer.


I am left handed. Very left handed.

Thus
My lifespan is statistically shorter.
Higher proportion of high achievers.
Apparently, we're better at switching tasks. (Look, a squirrel!)
Propensities to alcoholism and depression.
More testosterone in the womb?
Using scissors hurts most.

If that's all true, then why am I so tiresomely normal?
06/30 Direct Link
THE KULESHOV EFFECT II: SCENES OF A SINISTER NATURE


In the Gallery of Modern Art, Hugo said to Estelle, "A five year old kid could go that."

Karin got closer to the house. She heard what sounded like laughter from inside. "I guess the party's started without me."

"Here, I got something neat to show you," said Mikey as he opened the glove box with his right hand.

"Geronimo, look out below!" cried Phyllis as she jumped off the Reservoir Rock.

The train was slowing as it entered the station. Bill laughed and said, "Wait till you meet my parents!"